The baby is asleep. The last load of laundry is in the washer. The dishwasher is unloaded and the mountain of toys are picked up. The only thing left is to clean are the craft items off the dining room table and I am not doing that when there is the chance to wake the precious mess maker.
The house is quiet. I couldn't stand another daytime drama. So, the television is off. Brennon brought me a container of oreos for National Eat an Oreo Day and a fountain soda. So much for me not drinking soda. So for now, I will sit in a peaceful house with only the deep breathing of a baby, the snores of the cat, the slurping of my soda and the peaceful click of the keys on my computer.
I was watching Jase play this morning and I know that I have said it before, but I must say it again. I am completely amazed by his strength, his courage and his character. And amazing to me, that we can see it at such a young age. I am amazed that as parents, Brennon and I have helped to contribute to the sweet, lovable little boy that he is growing to be. It makes every decision in my life worth it. After Carter died, I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again - or having another baby - the fear was overwhelming that we would possibly say goodbye to another child. And then we were pregnant with twins, and I felt as though God was telling me to "Trust in Him" that he was blessing our home. When the boys were born at 23 weeks, I was devastated. I had did my very best to do everything right and once again the control was taken right from my hands. When Kaleb died, I knew that there was no way I could handle the pain again. But, you know what - it totally dawned on me that I could. Jase is a blessing. Having my three boys, makes all the grief and pain worth it. You wouldn't know grief if you didn't know love. Every moment of pain and grief has been worth it when I look at Jase and when I think of Carter and Kaleb. The strength and courage that we are teaching Jase is a gift from God. He didn't just give those traits to Jase, but he allowed Brennon and I to grow as human beings, and as a couple, to utilize those same traits. I never knew I was that strong, or that I was courageous, or that I could trust that much. But as I watched Jase fight in the NICU for his life, or as we came home and I watched Jase fight to overcome all odds, I know that we were given this life because we are strong enough to live it. Not by ourselves, but with the people put in our lives, the strangers that we meet, and God hearing and answering our prayers.
See, I have this love now. This love for three little boys that I never imagined possible. Love for my sons, an overwhelming kind of love, a love that forgives, a love that nourishes, a love that hurts when Jase hurts, a love that is not so different then the love that God has for us. I am so glad that God has a plan for me, for us, for you and for Jase. See, I was just reminded that God has had a plan all along. This has me thinking .... God allows things to happen, but not with out Him knowing. He has a plan for Jase too. And as his parents, we are lucky enough to be a part of that plan too. These last three years of love and grief, and tears and joys - all a part of the journey that has led up to today and tomorrow and next week. God has taken these last three years and developed us and he will continue to develop us, to shape us into the people he needs us to be. We live in a dark world, but we can be the light if we allow God in our lives. Oh Jase, I know that there will be people as you grow that will try to dampen your light or try to put your light out. Don't be afraid to let your light shine - no matter what is placed in your path. I am just so thankful that I was allowed to create another warrior in Christ.
What if I had allowed my fear to dictate my choices? If, I had allowed my fear to be stronger then my faith after Carter was born, I would never have known Kaleb and Jase. How truly empty my life would be now. It makes me question, what fear am I holding on to right now? I have goals, dreams, desires and a path for the future. A path full of dreams, that I know that God placed in my heart. Am I allowing my light to be dampened by fear of the future because of the past? Am I following the path that God has chosen for me, or am I on the sideline because of fear. Is God waiting on me to take a step in the right direction? Just as I nudge Jase to make the right choices, is God nudging me right now. I have so much to pray about. I do know that I can't let fear dictate my future. I absolutely do not want my fear to dictate Jase's future. He is so little and he is already watching what Daddy and I do, mimicking and following in our footsteps. My only prayer is that we continue to be the role models that he needs. So we will continue to pray, and to LISTEN. Many times, I get so caught up in my prayers that I forget to listen to God's answers. Maybe that is why I get nudged a little harder at times?
Ummm - Ok, so when I sat down to write, this was not what I had planned. I had planned to write about something not so serious, something funny. What happened? Well, these words came out and I had to write them down. If nothing more then a reminder to reread them when life seems crazy or fear starts to overcome my future. I hope that I haven't bored you with my words. I hope that maybe it has inspired you to let go of some fear in your life. Is there something holding you back right now from your dreams? I encourage you to take a deep breath and ask God to remove the fear. I feel like a load has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe again. Let my light shine. Remove people from my life that bring me down. Their negativity has no room in my life. I will stop allowing others fear to dictate my future. I will stop allowing my fear to dictate my future. Have Faith, Have Hope and Love Others - be a blessing.
God, forgive me for not remembering Your words. Forgive me for the hurt that I may have caused others, for the anger that I was holding on to, and for the distrust that I was feeling. All of those things are harboring fear and it is time to say goodbye to my fear. If nothing happens in Your world by mistake and I have pledged to live a life that would please You - what is left in this world to fear. Faith is fear that has said it's prayers. Thank you God for this reminder today. Thanks for reminding me that my dreams and desires can be brought to action... and always remind me that Your plan will be better then mine. Even when it is hard to imagine that your plan, without two of my boys, could be greater then what I had planned, I will trust. For, I know that their lives, no matter how short, were for a purpose. I know that I carry them in my heart daily. I also know that you are with me, and because of You, I will see them again one day. Thank you for this life and the people I share it with. This I pray in Jesus Name - Amen
And as I write those last words, I hear the precious mess maker, saying mama mama mama. It is time for some snuggles and love, some playing and growing. It is time for some much needed Mama - Son time. I am so blessed to be his Mama.
After seeing this mess, can you believe that the house is clean?
The house is quiet. I couldn't stand another daytime drama. So, the television is off. Brennon brought me a container of oreos for National Eat an Oreo Day and a fountain soda. So much for me not drinking soda. So for now, I will sit in a peaceful house with only the deep breathing of a baby, the snores of the cat, the slurping of my soda and the peaceful click of the keys on my computer.
I was watching Jase play this morning and I know that I have said it before, but I must say it again. I am completely amazed by his strength, his courage and his character. And amazing to me, that we can see it at such a young age. I am amazed that as parents, Brennon and I have helped to contribute to the sweet, lovable little boy that he is growing to be. It makes every decision in my life worth it. After Carter died, I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again - or having another baby - the fear was overwhelming that we would possibly say goodbye to another child. And then we were pregnant with twins, and I felt as though God was telling me to "Trust in Him" that he was blessing our home. When the boys were born at 23 weeks, I was devastated. I had did my very best to do everything right and once again the control was taken right from my hands. When Kaleb died, I knew that there was no way I could handle the pain again. But, you know what - it totally dawned on me that I could. Jase is a blessing. Having my three boys, makes all the grief and pain worth it. You wouldn't know grief if you didn't know love. Every moment of pain and grief has been worth it when I look at Jase and when I think of Carter and Kaleb. The strength and courage that we are teaching Jase is a gift from God. He didn't just give those traits to Jase, but he allowed Brennon and I to grow as human beings, and as a couple, to utilize those same traits. I never knew I was that strong, or that I was courageous, or that I could trust that much. But as I watched Jase fight in the NICU for his life, or as we came home and I watched Jase fight to overcome all odds, I know that we were given this life because we are strong enough to live it. Not by ourselves, but with the people put in our lives, the strangers that we meet, and God hearing and answering our prayers.
See, I have this love now. This love for three little boys that I never imagined possible. Love for my sons, an overwhelming kind of love, a love that forgives, a love that nourishes, a love that hurts when Jase hurts, a love that is not so different then the love that God has for us. I am so glad that God has a plan for me, for us, for you and for Jase. See, I was just reminded that God has had a plan all along. This has me thinking .... God allows things to happen, but not with out Him knowing. He has a plan for Jase too. And as his parents, we are lucky enough to be a part of that plan too. These last three years of love and grief, and tears and joys - all a part of the journey that has led up to today and tomorrow and next week. God has taken these last three years and developed us and he will continue to develop us, to shape us into the people he needs us to be. We live in a dark world, but we can be the light if we allow God in our lives. Oh Jase, I know that there will be people as you grow that will try to dampen your light or try to put your light out. Don't be afraid to let your light shine - no matter what is placed in your path. I am just so thankful that I was allowed to create another warrior in Christ.
What if I had allowed my fear to dictate my choices? If, I had allowed my fear to be stronger then my faith after Carter was born, I would never have known Kaleb and Jase. How truly empty my life would be now. It makes me question, what fear am I holding on to right now? I have goals, dreams, desires and a path for the future. A path full of dreams, that I know that God placed in my heart. Am I allowing my light to be dampened by fear of the future because of the past? Am I following the path that God has chosen for me, or am I on the sideline because of fear. Is God waiting on me to take a step in the right direction? Just as I nudge Jase to make the right choices, is God nudging me right now. I have so much to pray about. I do know that I can't let fear dictate my future. I absolutely do not want my fear to dictate Jase's future. He is so little and he is already watching what Daddy and I do, mimicking and following in our footsteps. My only prayer is that we continue to be the role models that he needs. So we will continue to pray, and to LISTEN. Many times, I get so caught up in my prayers that I forget to listen to God's answers. Maybe that is why I get nudged a little harder at times?
Ummm - Ok, so when I sat down to write, this was not what I had planned. I had planned to write about something not so serious, something funny. What happened? Well, these words came out and I had to write them down. If nothing more then a reminder to reread them when life seems crazy or fear starts to overcome my future. I hope that I haven't bored you with my words. I hope that maybe it has inspired you to let go of some fear in your life. Is there something holding you back right now from your dreams? I encourage you to take a deep breath and ask God to remove the fear. I feel like a load has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe again. Let my light shine. Remove people from my life that bring me down. Their negativity has no room in my life. I will stop allowing others fear to dictate my future. I will stop allowing my fear to dictate my future. Have Faith, Have Hope and Love Others - be a blessing.
God, forgive me for not remembering Your words. Forgive me for the hurt that I may have caused others, for the anger that I was holding on to, and for the distrust that I was feeling. All of those things are harboring fear and it is time to say goodbye to my fear. If nothing happens in Your world by mistake and I have pledged to live a life that would please You - what is left in this world to fear. Faith is fear that has said it's prayers. Thank you God for this reminder today. Thanks for reminding me that my dreams and desires can be brought to action... and always remind me that Your plan will be better then mine. Even when it is hard to imagine that your plan, without two of my boys, could be greater then what I had planned, I will trust. For, I know that their lives, no matter how short, were for a purpose. I know that I carry them in my heart daily. I also know that you are with me, and because of You, I will see them again one day. Thank you for this life and the people I share it with. This I pray in Jesus Name - Amen
And as I write those last words, I hear the precious mess maker, saying mama mama mama. It is time for some snuggles and love, some playing and growing. It is time for some much needed Mama - Son time. I am so blessed to be his Mama.
Until next time - Melissa
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| The #1 Reason why Faith is Better then Fear - Our Family Picture September 2014 |
