Thought for Week #29 and #30 of 2013!

Wow!  Can you believe that August is at the end of the week?  Where does the time go.  At the end of this week I will be 19 weeks pregnant.  It really doesn't seem possible that I am halfway though the first and easiest part of my pregnancy.  With saying that, I have realized that I truly am slacking on my blogging experience.  I can only imagine what it will be like once these babies have arrived.  Here is what's new in the Zellmer World!

Week #29 -   During the past week - We did the great reveal!  And as most of you know the babies are BOYS!  I jokingly told Brennon that if we were going to try again to have a girl - we were going to adopt, as I didn't think I could ride this roller coaster again.  Although, I have also said that we will never again decide how many children we will have, but take as many children as God blesses us with.  (Watch out Duggers - Here come the Zellmer's) - AHH really, I am to old for that.  :)

I was pumped that I was able to see so many family members during that weekend for the great reveal.  It really do appreciate all the support from my family and it helps to see everyone when I am  no longer able to travel long distances.  I had a great time!

I continue to have weekly appointments with Dr Drake.  I will have to tell you that I have had some stressful moments during this last week.  I was supposed to go to the doctor on Thursday.  AND, by Wednesday, I couldn't handle it anymore.  (WARNING - TMI AHEAD)  Skip over this paragraph if you need too.  The UTI medicine wasn't working and Wednesday morning, I had projectile vomit all over the bathroom.  Ceiling, Walls, Bathtub, Floor and Toilet... there was no way I could control the amount of vomit that was exiting my body.  Here I was 5 minutes before I was to leave to work, on the bathroom floor, crying and cleaning up puke.  While Brennon stood in the doorway holding a garbage bag while I tossed towels in.  Following that, I was miserable.  I actually wondered if I was having complications with the cerclage - I couldn't even sit correctly - A follow up phone call to the doctor's office and they said I could come right up.  I was convinced the whole way to Des Moines that I would receive bad news.  So much for a positive attitude! An ultrasound reported that my cervical length was 3.6 - WOOHOO - Not the 4.6 I had hopped for, but I had only lost a cm.  So the babies were good, the cervix was good - what the heck was wrong.  Yep, I was told that I didn't have a UTI.  HMMMM - This all means to me that I should be feeling healthy - Right?  Well - after an exam, they found that the lovely fishing wire cerclage had buried into my flesh on the inside.  She went into to trim it and I promise I came off the table, and Brennon just stared at me.  Instant relief.  I do remember the rest of the week just feeling off, I am pretty sure I had anxiety most of the weekend.

And here we are at Monday #30 - Last week was pretty unenventful!  I went to the doctor with a cervix length of 4.7 - I was so confused, I lost a cm last week, but gained again this week.  I was told that some ultrasound techs go from tip to tip and let the computer measure, and she actually measures along the curve of the cervix.  That is what varies the length.  Overall, my cervix hasn't changed since my surgery.  I find this interesting, so I just had to share.  I did find out that I am measuring at 24 weeks.

I find that the symptom train showed back up.   I am exhausted. I feel like I am in my first trimester all over again and all I want to do is sleep.  My lower back hurts, my stomach throws my balance off, vertigo showed back up, and I am perfectly happy that my babies are healthy.  I do remember praying for healthy family and reminding God that I would be sick every day of this pregnancy just to have a healthy full-term baby!  

Lately, I find that every breath is a prayer.  I wake every morning to thank God for my babies and then to pray that they are healthy and that my body continues to be strong enough to carry them.  I ask God to take care of them and allow me the chance to be a good mother.  To teach them all of the important things in life.  I remember a quote I kept after Carter was born - It went "Dear God, I wanted to hold my little one in my arms and tell him about You.  Since I can't, will You hold my little one and tell him about me?"  That quote still make me cry.  I know that God is in control, why do we as humans find it so hard to relinquish control?  I had someone tell me Friday that worrying is also a sin.  I now have tried to remind myself of that as well, and to enjoy my pregnancy.  For I am truly blessed.

So I will continue to have faith - because as I remind myself daily - I have no control over this pregnancy.  I can only do my part, which leaves me on modified bed rest and eating as healthy as I can. I am not God, and I can't see the future, therefore I must continue to pray and trust.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Our precious boys and my body's ability to carry them.  

Have a great week!  Melissa

Thought for Week #26, #27 and #28 of 2013 :)

I guess I am behind again. I have so much to write about, but not enough patience to sit down and write.  Because of this, here I am writing for 3 weeks.   Even though I am late on my weekly blog, I realized today that I really needed to write.  I need a little relaxation and time to put things into perspective and I guess this will be my way to do it.  

Today, I am frustrated.  I hate it when what I have to give isn't enough.  I really do feel like I am pulled in so many directions.  I have so many things on my plate right now and no matter what I do - it doesn't seem to be good enough.  Why can't it be easier?  I wish I could skip ahead a few weeks (or even a few months) just so I can know that everything will work out.  How can I tell others to trust in God, to have faith, and yet I question every decision.  I pray and pray and still I am not sure that my prayers will be answered.  Honestly,  I prayed for the safety of Carter and I lost him - what's to keep me from loosing these children too?  I am 16 weeks pregnant this week, measuring 18 or 19 weeks AND I am scared.  The closer that I get to August, the more panicky I get.  I don't know how to help others understand what I am feeling.  I am not meaning to be bitchy.  I am trying really hard to act like myself, like nothing is bothering me and yet everyday I wake up wondering if today will be the day that I say goodbye.   I say my prayers every morning with the intention of leaving all of my fears with God - but somehow, I come home from work, to lie in bed for the rest of the evening, worrying and wondering what the next day will bring.

Even as I write that, I feel guilty - Once again I find myself questioning God's plan and what is ahead for us.  I knew in January when I chose my New Year's Resolution, to trust in God and his plan for my life, that there would be difficult moments where I would question Him.  Deep down, I know that He won't leave me, and no matter what is ahead, He will provide for us.  Joel Osteen posted a message on facebook this weekend that I really liked.  It said, "The truth is, somebody in this world would gladly trade places with you.  Take time to thank God for your family, your friends, your health and the opportunities that He has provided you."  I really do like that - it really does make me realize that although times are tough right now - I have a lot to be thankful for!

And, with tears running down my face, I promise that I will continue to be a fighter, to take care of myself, my husband and my babies, while juggling my daily duties.  I will continue to make each day count.  If you see me in the days ahead, with a frown on my face. Please remind me of all the the good in my life, to put my struggles behind me - and to remember that  am not in control.  I have to let go and let God!  (See all my weekly thoughts for the last 28 weeks are coming into play!)

It worked - writing about it, thinking about and praying about it has helped.  I am ready to talk about my last 3 weeks in review.  What a crazy 3 weeks it has been :)  Here is my life in review....

Week #26 - I had surgery.  I will tell you that this experience was not at all what I expected.  I wasn't nervous for the procedure, I trusted and still trust my high risk doctor, but it really wasn't how I thought it would be.  I had to be at Iowa Methodist at 5 am, where I was registered and taken to pre-op.  I will tell you, I looked great in the gown and booties.  I really do think it should be my new look.  OB came down to get the babies heart tones, I met with the anisteologist, and had last minute instructions from Dr Drake.  I am not sure what I expected, but was rolled down to the operating room at 7am.  I had a spinal - which I really thought would hurt, but honestly it hurt less then the IV.  I felt a warm sensation and my legs went numb.  I remember hitting them and laughing at the sound, but not being able to feel anything.  At 7:15 am, Dr Drake scrubbed in, and I laid back to 7 people running around the operating room while I watched and wondered what was happening under that big blue sheet.  And at 7:30 am, they showed me what the surgical stitch looked like... Just a thin fishing wire looking thing holding these babies inside of me.  7:35, I was rolled into recovery - where they thought I would regain feeling in an hour or two.... HMMM - That didn't work.   They had a difficult time finding heart tones for the babies, so Dr Drake ordered a portable ultrasound to check on the babies.  I asked about gender and she told me, although would not confirm until the next ultrasound on July 3rd. At 11 am they finally allowed Brennon to come hang out.  And I was able to tell him the unconfirmed gender of our babies.  I kinda felt bad, with both Carter and these babies, he showed up to late for the big reveal.  I realized I was able to see all parts of a recovery room for a very long time.  I was FINALLY able to leave Methodist at 2:30 pm :)  I was able to come home to bed rest.... for the rest of the week and part of the following week, I was on bed rest.  I really don't have much else to say about this week, except, I really am not sure how people handle day time television.  I did however watch the George Zimmerman trial and wondered where the prosecution had built their case.  I am so thankful for the friends and family that visited, brought food, and just helped me adjust to staying in bed, when I am so used to being on the go.

Week #27 - Bed Rest, Ultrasound and the 4th of July!  During the beginning of this week, I was still on bed rest, but I was able to take showers that lasted more then a few minutes.  I continued to watch the George ZImmerman trial ( Yippeee - and if you didn't get that - there was some sarcasm at the fact that it was the only thing on.)  Brennon continued to be a rockstar, taking over the duties of our house, Summer and Holly were great helping me at work, and I continued to lay flat.  July 3rd, we had a follow up for my surgery.  An ultrasound of my cervix showed a good length of 4.6 cm and an ultrasound of the babies confirmed their gender.  Brennon and I both decided to keep it a secret for a little while - so we could share the excitement together. I was released back to work with limited restrictions.  I was able to attend the parade on Thursday, grab a bite to eat and then off to bed I went.  I also was able to make a trip to Wal-Mart and snuck in some purchases for our babies.

Week #28 - This week was miserable!  The symptom train from surgery started to show up.  Feeling miserable I finally called the doctor on Thursday... A trip to GRMC to have a urine analysis confirmed a UTI (sorry - TMI) They faxed the results to Des Moines and I was able to take medication starting Friday night.  Thankfully they allowed me to do it at the lab here versus driving to Des Moines to urinate :) My belly is stretching, I swear I can feel the cerclage and my UTI is out of control.  Here it is the following Wednesday and I am still not feeling much relief.  Thankfully I have an upcoming appointment on Thursday 18th - we can finally figure out what is up.  For the rest of the week, I have planned a gender reveal party, found the cribs we want for the babies, and ordered the bedding.  We are moving forward.

This brings me to my thought for this week.   I Will Continue to Trust in God.  I am so thankful for all that I have been blessed with.  God please forgive me for doubting and questioning you.  This week, both Brennon and I are nervous about our upcoming doctor appointment and ultrasound.  Praying for very little changes to my cervix, no complications and healthy babies.  If you have a moment, Brennon and I would sure appreciate extra prayers.  We appreciate every one!

Have a good week!  Melissa