I think I should start the week off with my thought for the week.... "Thank God for what He has done. Thank God that He can turn any situation around. Create a new vision of victory." Thank you Joel Osteen for my thought for the week. Once again very appropriate when I am feeling down and worried. I don't know why I worry so much - I AM NOT IN CONTROL! I can only do my part to keep these babies safe and trust in God that He will take care of us all. We continue to pray that He allows Brennon and I to be the parents that we are excited to be.
I am again reminded again this week how high risk my pregnancy really is. I am 19 weeks and will be 20 weeks pregnant on Saturday. I am currently measuring 26 weeks with my boys. I went to the doctor last week, and my cervix continues to be holding with the help of my cerclage. My doctor did report that I have a week off and don't have to go back to the doctor until August 13th. After a panic moment, I begged (yep, in this pregnancy, I have started to beg) to be seen. The doctor honestly told me, she couldn't justify seeing me this week, as my cervix is doing well. Thankfully, she did tell me that if I need reassured, to call and she would either talk to me or see me. That does help. I know that each weekly appointment is expensive for my checkbook, and that she is really busy helping mom's with more complications then me, but I really do enjoy my weekly appointments - and the piece of mind that it gives me. SO, in the meantime, I will continue to pray. I know that God has a plan for us and I continue to choose faith over worry. My next appointment will be the anatomy scan for the twins. I am excited for my long ultrasound and to see in detail my baby boys! My boys are becoming more active. I first felt them move around 17 weeks, but as they position myself on my bladder and in my spine, I haven't felt them as much in the last couple weeks. I know in the weeks ahead I will be feeling their soccer kicks more and more. Baby A is head down and on my right and Baby B is head down and on my left. They continue to be active in my belly - although, Baby A continues to show off more then his brother does. I am excited for their birth in 16 weeks or so, when I can truly begin to learn their personalities.
I was talking to Brennon yesterday about how isolated I feel. Being isolated in my home really does affect my personality. I never realized how hard this would be. Not so hard physically but emotionally. It is extremely difficult to choose to be home and laying down - when I would love to be up and enjoying the summer weather and activities, like my family and friends do. I have to do what is best for my boys and believe me I will always sacrifice for them. When I am off work, I am laying down. I do allow myself small activities outside of the home on the weekends - but I can't shop, I can't go for a walk. I am allowed a few moments in a restuarant for a bite to eat or to go to to the office to keep up with my work. I promise you, I am not depressed - I am just bored. I am thankful for the family that comes and visits me but I really do miss my life. I guess I really should be thankful that I am not on strict bedrest where I can only get up to use the restroom or even worse hospital bed rest where my activities are really restricted. It is times like this where I really wish that I was normal, with a normal pregnancy.... but then that would be boring right? I have lots of time to be busy when these babies are born. I do wish I was independently wealthy - that way I could put myself on modified bed rest and have some peace of mind.
Speaking of choosing faith over worry - Carter's birthday is in 2 short weeks. The closer we get to his birthday the more worried I become. I become anxious with each day. On Carter's birthday, these babies will be the same age as he was when he was born. It makes me question every decision I make, and second guess every activity I attend. This week I had some changes in my symptoms, that of course I worried about. I find myself panicking over every pregnancy system that is different then before, and sometimes I freak out over symptoms that a normal pregnant women would never question. I find that prayer has been my only refuge. I pray for a healthy pregnancy. When I think back to where I was a year ago, I can't believe that I survived that intense grief! BUT, I did survive and my faith is stronger because of the love that Carter taught me. I knew when Brennon and I decided that we would try again that there would be moments of happiness, moments of tears, moments of joy and moments of worry. We had to transfer all of those feelings into trust in our God, the creator of life. And it is to Him I pray that he allows these boys a long, happy life with 2 parents who would do anything to keep them safe.
Alright - so enough rambling about my feelings! Brennon and I will do WHATEVER it takes to keep these babies safe! So, this is my update for the week. Not exciting I know! I am hoping to have a fun Zellmer update next week.
Please continue to keep us in your prayers. As for Brennon and I - We will choose faith over worry (and continue to pray, when worrying seems easier). We will have a great week!
Love, Melissa
