The Face That I Wear is Grief

I keep making promises saying that "I'm Back".. but yet I don't quite have the emotions to act on it (or maybe the time).  I have always used my blog as a sense of healing for me.  I started it a few months after Carter was born when the grief was unbearable and the time passed to slow.  Now, over a year later, I wear many faces and for now, the face I wear is grief.  How is that possible?  I have a beautiful baby and a wonderful marriage and a supportive and amazing husband.  How is it that the one emotion that overcomes me is grief?  Maybe I should investigate my heart…

Well, lets see - There is the obvious… 

I grieve for my children. I grieve because I have said goodbye to two babies in 13 short months.  I grieve that I can't hold them or see them and that Jase will never know his brothers.  This is an easy one.  I know that I grieve for them… but more then that, I grieve for me.  How selfish right?  But it is true.  There are days when I feel like my life has been ripped out from underneath my feet.  Nothing seems to be easy and sometimes, I find myself in the bathroom with my head in my hands silently yelling at God.  I have heard all of the stories before, the teacher is always quiet during a test….  God gives His biggest battles to His strongest soldiers.  There are many of those sayings that I have used over and over again to make things seem okay.  But lately, I yell to God.  I yell at Him to help me.  To tell me that He hasn't left us and that these feelings, these motions that I go through each and every day is for a reason.  Because, no matter how many times, I look to the Heavens, I have to believe that there is a reason. There has to be a reason why I have felt so much heart ache. I can't wait to stand before Him one day and ask… but even in that, I know that in all of His greatness, I may never understand the purpose of His plan.

So, in order to Let Go - I have to first examine the feelings that I feel - How Dr Suess of Me… I remember being told that I would have twins.  I remember looking at the ultrasound tech and reporting to her over and over again - "I can't have twins… my body can't handle one baby without help.. how can it handle two?"  I remember being reassured that with a cerclage, with monitoring and with help I could deliver two healthy baby boys.  So I decided to trust.  I remember going to work and feeling torn between providing for my family and for staying home in bed where I felt most comfortable.  I remember many days with my feet up in a chair, or lying flat in bed, crying because I was scared, and I remember saying, "I refuse to say goodbye to another child." I remember family members and friends telling me that everything would be okay… that it happened for other people, and even though I had a fear deep down inside that something bad would happen, I decided to trust. I remember thinking to myself that God wouldn't give me twins to take one or both of them away, so I decided to trust.  To declare that it was my time for God's blessings.  I remember on Carter's birthday, feeling weird sensations that I would later find out were contractions, but not knowing so,  because I had never had one with Carter.  I remember the week on bed rest, when I knew that I wouldn't make it to the third trimester and hoping and praying that I would at least make it to 24 weeks, because in everyone's mind - viability was not until 24 weeks and my children only had minimal chance of survival if any at all at 23 weeks.  I pause to think about the moment when they told me that Jase was breech and would die during delivery.  How do you prepare to say goodbye to a child without having hope that a miracle would happen?  I was told to prepare myself and that our goal was to keep Kaleb inside. Therefore, spending each moment in agony as we tried to keep babies inside of me for just a few more days. I grieved during those days too, knowing that it might be my last few days with both of my boys.   I remember the late nights in my room, to uncomfortable to sleep, but pleading with God, to bless me with 2 beautiful children, to pass over my room with grief and hardship.  Praying that if I was blessed with a miracle that I would share my story with others. I remember overwhelming peace and the feelings of everything would be okay. I remember the happiness that I felt when they told me Jase was no longer breech and that there was no medical explanation for it, and I wondered what was God's plan?    I remember being taken to the OR for delivery and not knowing whether my babies would live once they were delivered. I remember the fear on my husbands face, and for a moment I grieved for him, because I did not want to see the grief and hurt that I had seen on his face for so many months prior.  I remember delivering Jase and then hearing that Kaleb's heart rate had dropped and I would have an emergency c-section. I remember the panic I felt when I woke up in the recovery room, not knowing the outcome of my babies delivery.

The next few days were a blur.  Every day was something new, some awful news of infection, or to much oxygen and not enough saturation,  not knowing what to do for my children or medical terms I didn't understand.   I kept looking to God for answers, and I continued to pray.  All I did was trust and pray.  My faith and my God carried me through.   The NICU journey is not an easy one - especially for parents with critically ill babies, or a baby with very little chance for survival.  I remember after Kaleb died, wondering when Jase would be next.  I grieved, but I grieved differently.  I grieved because I did in fact have to say goodbye to another baby and I grieved because from that moment on I lived in fear that  I would also say goodbye to Jase.  I know that faith is fear that has said it's prayers.  I know that I should let go and let God.  I knew all of those things…but it is easier said then done when you are faced with overcoming great obstacles every day… when you sit down and wonder, even on your strongest day, how to keep moving forward.  But you do, because in all reality, what choice do you have? Prayer is what kept me moving forward, even the fear of the unknown was a little easier after I prayed about it. I remember rushing home the day before Jase was discharged, to get my home ready, in complete panic and shock that I was bringing a baby home to my house.  Let me say it again...To my house, for the first time in my life, I did not have to hand my baby over to the funeral home employee.  I was going to put Jase in his car seat and take him home…. and I grieved.  I grieved for last 4 1/2 months that I spent in the hospital fighting for my baby.  Saying goodbye to doctors, who had fought just as hard to keep Jase here with me.  It was hard to say goodbye to nurses who through sweat and tears, laughter and friendship, worked hard every day to give Jase every opportunity for life. Not every opportunity in life but every opportunity for life.  I remember praying multiple times a day - but the hardest words to come out of my mouth were, "Your will be done", because honestly, I was scared of God's will.  I remember the day that I was able to finally mouth the words quietly in room 212 - Your will be done.  I remember the weight lifted from my shoulders and the tears flowed down my cheeks as I called Brennon who was at work to tell him that Jase and I missed him.  And I put my head in my hands and I thanked God for carrying me through.

And that is where I realized what I grieved.  I grieved the full-term pregnancy I never got to experience and all of the traditions that comes with it… preparing a nursery, packing a bag for the hospital, having  baby shower, watching my husband's face as our babies were born into this world (maybe even cutting the cord - do they still do that?)and even holding my baby right after birth.  I grieved… and I grieve.  I easily become angry when I hear other pregnant moms complain about their pregnacy, there swollen belly, and the disgusting glucose test that I never got to experience.  I grieved when I heard other pregnant moms wish for their babies to come early, when all of my prayers were for a full term 40 week pregnancy resulting in healthy babies.

I love spending every moment with Jase and I love all of those things a mother does.. but I grieve.  I grieve the dream of being a stay home mom.  The dream of play dates, and walking the track at the YMCA. Of taking my child to the coffee shop and going for stroller rides, and that if I need to go to Wal-Mart, we run out for groceries, so that I can cook an amazing Sunday dinner for my family.  Because the reality is, I don't get to do those things because we are in isolation during cold and flu season and I am now afraid of germs.  I am afraid of bringing home a virus or the flu which because of my child's premature lungs could be life threatening.  I crave human contact, having an adult conversation with a friend, or a healthy visitor to tell me what is happening in the world.  (Because we all know you shouldn't watch the news.) I now worry about keeping track of how much my child is eating and if he is gaining weight.  I feed him to have him projectile vomit while glancing at him and then the monitor to make sure his breathing is not affected by his reflux.  I hold him upright after eating, before working on physical therapy and praying that the next bottle he takes won't be another fight and another fear of an oral aversion… And, lets face it, I didn't even realize there was such a thing as an oral aversion prior to having Jase. We now have visitors to our house 2-3 times a week and doctor's appointments in Des Moines on most of the other days. I grieve because I want Jase to be a normal baby ... And most days, I grieve because Jase believes this to be normal… So I hug him and kiss him and pray with him many times during the day, so that even when being poked and prodded he will always know what love feels like. 

I grieve my job.  I grieve the human interaction and the satisfaction of bringing home a paycheck.  I grieve because the choice was taken away from me.  Jase can't go to daycare and finding a home provider that understands all of his cares is to expensive.  I grieve because we are now living off of one paycheck when it was my paycheck that paid the majority of the bills.  I grieve because we are so poor.

I grieve for the stress that all of this has put on my relationship with Brennon.  I am thankful that we have a strong relationship.  I am told that the first reason for divorce is the loss of a child.  Well, we have had two losses… and I am told the second reason is an extended NICU stay.  Both of those have been hard, but we have grown as a couple in our times of hardship.  And now, we find a new reason to be strong and that is Jase.  It is not easy being the parent of a micro-preemie, when you are dealing with oxygen tanks, saturation levels, physical therapy and cardiologist appointments.  It is hard to see Jase in pain each night, refusing to eat and the doctors say that it is no big deal - that he is still gaining weight… when everything we have been told is to have a positive eating experience for Jase.  It is hard to have multiple doctors who each have difference of opinions on what Jase needs to be successful.  But we will move forward because that is what we do.  Ultimately trying to make the decisions that are best for Jase.

Last but not least, I grieve  most for the unknown.  We have heard it all for Jase.  We have heard that he will have developmental delays, that he may have physical delays, sensory delays or social delays.  But overall, that it is unheard of for a 23 week baby/child to be a completely normal child… and yet I don't grieve for that.   I know that my precious baby is a miracle, and it reminds me of the song - "I Saw God Today." I still believe that Jase will continue to amaze us, as he already has. How many 23 week babies are meeting milestones at their adjusted age, already off oxygen during the day, and showing us the strength and will he has to overcome all obstacles.  I know that God made Jase perfectly for His purpose and that we are blessed with an amazing, strong baby. I will love him for who he is and the obstacles that he has overcome.  I pray that each of you see him as I do, and that the people of the world, although cruel at times, will be overwhelmed by his courage and his love.  For I believe, as I have for the last 6 1/2 months, that this is God's plan and although it is hard to understand, it is His will and Jase is destined for great things.

See, this is exactly why I blog.  I sat down tonight with a cold sandwich and my computer, with a lot of pain weighing me down.  As I examine my feelings, I realize that I am blessed beyond belief.  I almost feel guilty for writing the words above… but not enough to erase them.  I am human and we have feelings.  Some good feelings and some bad.  It is accepting those feelings, understanding them and using them to be a better person.  God has provided for me over and over.  He answered each and every one of my prayers - maybe not the way that I wanted them to be answered but the way that He believed was best, for His greater purpose.  Because, isn't that we are placed on Earth to do.. to love, to hurt, to help, to grieve, to do all things in accordance to God's plan.  He has encouraged me to share my faith, my life and my love.  My heart is lighter, my eyes can rest, because I have seen the beauty in what I have been given.  I have been given the opportunity to share my life.  To continue to praise God for the blessings and for the hardships that have shaped me into the person I want to be.  

I WILL STOP GRIEVING TODAY BECAUSE ..I am a good mom, even on the days where I am tired and weary.  I love all three of my children, each one who owns a piece of my heart.  I am a good wife, even when I think I'm not.  I will stop grieving for a full term pregnancy, and I will accept that it wasn't in my cards, and I am thankful because I still was able to bring my baby home.  I was able to meet people in the NICU, who taught me more about myself then I ever thought possible, who believed in Jase and believed in our family.  I am blessed that I am able to stay home with my child.. even on the days it is hard, because his smiles and his accomplishments make every moment worth it.  I will no longer grieve for my job, because I will work when the time is right, and poor is just the definition that you use.  I am rich and the things that I own will live on even after I am gone… in the life of my child.  And I will not fear the unknown, because God will provide.

So the next time I am in the bathroom with my head in my hands, I will pray this prayer….  God, I need your help.  I am struggling with this which is weighing heavy on my heart.  I know I can't figure out the solution on my own.  I pray that you will show me the way.  I am listening Lord.  Help me to remember that I am not alone and that you are with me always.  You've got me in the palm of Your hand and that is where I need to be.  This I pray in Jesus Name - Amen

So - Here it is - my official blog for the week… maybe for the month, or maybe just tomorrow. Thank you for letting me share my life with you, my love, my family and my Jase.  I wouldn't be where I am without your prayers.  So even as I wrote some of these raw emotions, I always knew deep inside, that everything will work out.  I just have to give it time and continue to trust and pray!

Love - Melissa