I Always Get Up...

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Hello Thursday....

Just so you know, this week has been a rough week.  Sometimes, I wonder if you are tired of hearing about my rough weeks?  

There are days when I am just tired - I have so many emotions, memories, and feelings running through my brain.  I know there are days, we all want to pull the blanket over our heads, just so we don't have to face the day.  We all have moments in life when being an adult is just to much to think about.  

This is how I started my Thursday... At 12:24 am to be exact.  

Because my brain wanted to think and my body just wanted to sleep.  Guess which one won?  What started as a simple memory of how I felt for a moment yesterday, turned into a memory 4 years ago, of my grief-stricken fog of living without Carter.  A memory 3 years ago, of sitting in a dark hospital room grieving for Kaleb while doing my best to stand up and fight for Jase.  I remember 3 years ago, the ups and downs of the NICU, wondering if the next day would be the day we said goodbye to Jase.  Why does my mind have to replay those memories? The psychologist in me would say that I need to replay them to understand, to process and to heal.  The crazy grief-struck me, want to bury them deep in my subconscious, to repress and ignore.  Where I just want to scream... Life isn't fair.

4 years later - I have been living in a constant state of survival.  I could deny this, but I am pretty sure it's still true, and it feels good to say it out loud.   Grief doesn't go away one day, it is the constant reminder of love lost.  It makes you question the very inner part of your soul.  It makes you question yourself, it tries to control you, your emotions, your feelings... your Thursdays.

Grief is the price we pay for love.

AND there comes a day when you realize that bad things happen.  I know this.  I tell myself this.  Most of the time, bad things happen to good people.  Grief is a passage, not a place to stay.... or so they say.  Today is another day of letting go of what I can not change - Of riding the waves of grief, knowing that if I don't ride the waves, I will drown.  

And then,  I realized today as I was getting out of bed,  I am so much stronger because of those emotions, memories and feelings. These experiences, of love and loss have made me who I am today.  I  know that some people can't handle my strength and that is okay.... but I will not stop standing up for myself.  I will not let anyone walk all over me, my family or my beliefs.  I am not perfect, and I will say I am sorry when I make a mistake, but I will not apologize for my feelings.  If there is one thing this life has taught me, it is to ALWAYS GET UP.

I get  knocked down, but I get up again, your never going to keep me down. 

(feel free to sing along)

Thank you Thursday...

for reminding me that love never fails.

A rough week is not a rough life.

Life is AMAZING -  Life is to short to live in a constant state of survival.  So today, I grant myself permission to just be happy.  Today, I will let go of what I can not change, toxic people, negative thinking and the "what ifs" in life.  Today, I will spend the day with Jesus in my heart, joy in my steps, and people I care about.  

I have been dealt a life with a lot of loss, but I have been blessed in

life with TREMENDOUS amount of love.

Thank you Jesus for the tremendous love in my life.

Thanks again Thursday, for letting me vent, 

for letting me get out all of those hurts in my heart,

and for reminding me that I am strong, I am blessed, and I am loved.

Hey Thursday - Let's Do This!