21 Weeks 3 Days -
Today is proving to be a little bit tough on my emotions.
You see, 5 years, ago, at this this gestation, I went into labor with Carter due to an incompetent cervix. I didn't have a clue what incompetent cervix was. Honestly, I thought once I got pregnant, I would have a boring pregnancy, resulting in a normal birth, and take my baby home.
I did not however, realize that there are sometimes complications in pregnancy during the 2nd trimester, like an incompetent cervix where the weight of the baby is to heavy for your cervix, resulting in silent contractions and painlessly dilating so that the baby just comes out... way to early, and without chance of survival.
I remember this date of gestation, so vividly. It was the day before Carter was born. I remember having had a few symptoms a week prior to having Carter. I had went to the doctor and it was decided it was normal pregnancy symptoms. (I saw an on-call doctor - This is another story all together, that may be left for another time...maybe. I still have a little frustration and anger about this doctor appointment.) I remember the day before I went into labor, feeling uncomfortable with back aches and feeling like the baby was really low. I remember going to work on this day, feeling uncomfortable, but shrugging it off as 2nd trimester woes, and I remember going home after work and telling Brennon I was going to bed right after dinner. At 7 pm, I remember asking Brennon if my stomach felt weird. It didn't to him, but it did to me. At 7:15 pm, I had to pee. At 7:30 pm I had to pee again. At 7:45 pm, I got up and felt what was like a rip inside of me. I went to the bathroom and there was a lot of blood. Struggling to change my clothes, I yelled at Brennon that we had to go to the hospital. Him, knowing my stress and worry the last week, said it is probably just spotting. As I screamed at him again, he knew something was wrong, rushed me to the hospital.
Sitting in the ER waiting room, drenched in my own blood, waiting.....
I tried calling my mom, and my mother in law, and then I called them both again with no answer....
and I cried. I was shaking and couldn't stop. Looking back now, I know I was completely in shock.
At 21 weeks, my doctor was called and I was rushed to delivery. My doctor came and said I was 1 cm dilated. She ordered an ultrasound and wondered if my placenta had ripped a little bit. She called the high risk doctor in Des Moines (My first official Dr Drake meeting) and it was decided I would be life-flighted to Methodist. I saw my child on ultrasound and I was prepped for life flight. I remember being in that little helicopter, staring at the night sky, and praying for my baby. I also felt my baby really drop.
As I was settled into my room in Des Moines, I met Dr Lehman. If I haven't mentioned her before, she is my OB now, and a wonderful, wonderful person and doctor. I can't imagine trusting my pregnancy with anyone else, but for now I must get back to my story. She checked and I was dilated to 7. This was not good, at this point, it was to late for any medical interventions. I didn't quite understand yet, but it meant that I would be delivering my baby.
An ultrasound was ordered, and the high risk nurse from Dr Drake came in for the ultrasound. I can't even begin to tell you the emotions that were felt, seeing a healthy baby moving and waving and announcing it was a boy, and knowing that this might be the last time I saw my baby alive. At 10:30 pm my husband, mom and Brennon's mom came in and we were able to share the news that he was a boy. What I didn't know at the time, was my baby could not be saved.
We waited. I was put into a trendenburg position* to try and pull the baby away from cervix. I don't remember much except the extreme pressure and back pain (back labor) that I was experiencing.
* Trendenburg position - the body lays with the feet higher then the body by 15-30 degrees to keep
the weight of the baby off the cervix.
21 weeks - 4 days: At 3:30 am, my water broke and they went to get the doctor. They brought in the items needed for delivery and I screamed at God. I didn't yell - I screamed at Him. Knowing that this was it and my baby was not developed enough for the NICU. I prayed, I pushed twice, I thanked God for my baby, and Carter Grant was born . I cried and I noticed 2 nurses in the corner crying with me. My life had officially changed.
I was so scared to see him. I was so scared of how underdeveloped he would be... and then I held him, this perfect looking little boy, with all of his fingers and all of his toes. In my mind, he opened his eyes. I still swear to this day, he opened his eyes, but know that at this gestation his eyes would still be fused shut. Carter's heart beat until 7:05 am.
At 8 am, I met Dr Drake. Although, crying and adamant, I was not having any more babies. She explained my diagnosis, future prevention and that at some point I would come see her because I would want another child. She talked about a cerclage* and placing it preventatively at 13-14 weeks gestation.
*Cerclage - A cervical cerclage or cervical stitch is a treatment for cervical incompetence, where the cervix starts to shorten and open to early during pregnancy. There are 3 types of cerclages.
I spent the rest of the day, surrounded by my family, holding my baby, and asking myself over and over again. "What do I do now"?
Fast forward, 1 year, I was on strict bed rest with twin boys at 21 weeks 3 days gestation, and I was having contractions. Remember the silent contractions that I felt with Carter. These were more intense, but not realizing what exactly they were, because I had never felt them before. I was blaming the pressure on a fiber one bar, because I was feeling the need to poop (push). 4 days later, despite having a preventative cerclage, the weight of the babies was to much for the cerclage and I was placed on hospital bed rest because Jase and his bag of water was starting to slip through the cerclage. Jase's butt was at the time acting as my cerclage. Thankfully, I was able to keep my babies inside for at least two weeks. I went into labor at 22 weeks and 6 days, the cerclage had broke and was removed and my contractions stopped. I was also able to talk to the NICU and begged for them to attempt to save my babies even though they were not yet what is considered viable until 24 weeks. I held the babies in until 23 weeks and 3 days when infection threatened me and the babies .. and Jase and Kaleb were born. My second experience with an incompetent cervix.
Ultrasound Picture of Jase -
20 Weeks 3 Days
Cervical Length: Funneled to the Stitch and Put on Bed Rest
Ultrasound Picture of Kaleb
20 Weeks 3 Days
(My boys all look the same in an ultrasound.)
And it is because of that, I have a spit fire of a 3 year old, who has overcome all odds and our greatest blessing. God answered my prayer and allowed me to be the mama of a special needs little boy, who I have no doubt will be a productive member of his community and will continue to overcome all obstacles he is faced with.
I am also reminded that my cerclage was doing it's job with Jase and Kaleb - A twin pregnancy is so different then a single baby pregnancy. There are two babies, two bags of water, two placentas, extra blood flow, fluid etc. This is how I know we can make it farther then 21 or 23 weeks this time. It just doesn't stop the worry.
And here we are 21 weeks 3 days pregnant with my newest little boy, and my third experience with a cerclage. This time I have two McDonald stitches instead of just one. I know that my cerclage is holding tight, but still scared out of my mind that my cervix could change at any time. As I sit here and wonder if my back pain is caused from my growing belly or those silent contractions that seem to happen with incompetent cervix. If only I had a ultrasound scheduled for this week.
Another day - Another game of : "IS this symptom urgent OR is it a harmless pregnancy symptom?"
Let's see -
"Is it bowel or uterine cramping?
"Could that feeling be my belly be growing or is my baby about to fall out any minute?"
REALLY, Who Knows??
"Is that gush I felt, urine or is that amniotic fluid?"
"Do I have to poop or is that pressure on my cervix?"
"Was that a contraction or a gas bubble?"
And if you call the doctor or go to the hospital and every thing is fine, you are an idiot and if you second guess your body, and then wait to long to go to the hospital, you are an idiot.
There is no winning!
I JUST WANT TO MAGICALLY KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!
#thisisthestoryofmypregnantlife
-----------------------------
So back to the basics and the reason I know I need a cerclage.
Did You Know?
- Incompetent Cervix is most likely to happen between 16 and 24 weeks of pregnancy -
- Symptoms of incompetent cervix can also be normal pregnancy symptoms.
- During pregnancy, as the baby grows and gets heavier, it presses on the cervix. If the cervix is incompetent or weakened, it will lead to miscarriage or premature delivery. This happens in about 1 in every 100 pregnancies.
I just happen to be the 1 in those 100 pregnancies.
- Incompetent Cervix is often not diagnosed until you have had 1 or more 2nd trimester losses.
- If you have an incompetent cervix, you might not experience any signs or symptoms as your cervix begins to open during early pregnancy. Mild discomfort, mucus plug like discharge or spotting over the course of several days or weeks is possible. Symptoms can start as early as 14-20 weeks of pregnancy. The riskiest time for incompetent cervix is 16-24 weeks. It seems my riskiest time is 20-24 weeks.
Symptoms include:
- a sensation of pelvic pressure
- backaches
- mild abdominal cramps
- change in vaginal discharge
- light vaginal bleeding
I know four things -
1. I can't wait to be 24 weeks so that I can say this is the longest I have been pregnant, and 24 weeks is officially viability - although I pray that I will not give birth this early. The NICU stay is long, exhausting. I remember looking at my small baby and wondering what we were doing? I saw him struggle. I saw him cry with no noise because of the breathing tube. I saw the doctors trying to put miniature iv's in and look for veins smaller then a pencil line. I remember wondering at the time, if what we were doing was right. Were we selfish in the fact that we didn't want to say goodbye, so we allowed all of these life-saving measures? I know that if I was hooked to that many machines, at this time in my life, what my answer would be. Looking at Jase now, I know we made the right decision, but I also know that we were/are prepared to give Jase everything in life to succeed. It also means a lot of doctor appointments, therapy appointments, struggles and sacrifices. We have had to put our child's care first and I have yet to meet a 24 weeker that doesn't have some sort of therapy.
2. I can't wait to be 28 weeks. I am reassured that by that gestation, my baby will be to big to just fall out. At that point, I will have signs of premature labor... and then 32 weeks, and 35 weeks. Although I am praying and hoping that we will make it to my 37 week c-section.
3. I am so, so very blessed with the best family and friends. This pregnancy has been difficult in the fact that it is high risk, the emotions involved and the sacrifices we have had to make. I had big plans for this summer with Jase, and had even considered when I would go back to work... You know like not for another year or so.... I don't mind postponing my plans for the summer, but it has been difficult utilizing a one household income with two household bills. Who knew we relied so much on that part-time job. A huge shout out to family and friends who have bought us groceries, helped pay the water bill, gave Jase junk food to share with me, and watched my child on to many occasions, so that I could be on bed rest. Your help, your graciousness is greatly appreciated and I hope that I can again pay it forward one day.
4. Brennon and I are extremely thankful for our team of doctors. I am extremely pleased that I am blessed with Dr Drake and Dr Lehman as my doctors. I couldn't ask for a more informed, more educated, more caring people to be a part of my pregnancies.
Today, I am 21 weeks 3 days, and I have officially felt all the emotions I need to feel today. I know that I am not having any symptoms of an incompetent cervix. Or at least I think that what I am experiencing is normal pregnancy symptoms. I also know that I am extremely thankful to have Jase and I am extremely thankful for this surprise pregnancy. I know better then anyone that worry does not change the outcome... It is just so difficult not to worry when you love this little boy more then you could ever imagine. He is already such a huge part of our family.
Baby #4
Gestation in Picture - 20 weeks 4 days
Cervical Length - 4.6 cm
Next Ultrasound: July 11, 2017 - 22 Weeks 4 days
Until Next Time -
Thanks for letting me ramble.
Melissa
July 26, 2017 (24 Weeks 5 Days) - Although, my date of conception says 25 weeks 1 day!! (But who is counting?)
