Moments to Memories....

I had one of those moments.  The heart-wrenching, memory-filled, want to cry but don't have the tears kind of moment.  The moment when your breath catches in the back of your throat and it physically hurts to swallow.  Today, I had one of those moments - one of those days where I was physically and emotionally hit with memories.  It amazes me how a moment can change the way you think about your whole day.

I woke up this morning at 3:15 am - no reason really, other then I was wide awake.  I felt sad but I couldn't quite place my pain.  I picked up my iPad, tried to read a few pages of my book, checked out a few silly games, and then attempted to fall back to sleep.  Just as I was falling asleep - I heard the  monitor and Jase was screaming.  Not his normal I am awake cry, but the "get your butt in here, I am scared cry".  I picked him up and to the rocking chair we went.  We rocked, we sang and he would fall back to sleep until I tried to lay him down.... and then he screamed again.  This continued until 5:45 am.  At this point, I realized I wasn't sleeping in the chair, I was extremely uncomfortable and I had to wake reinforcements.  I handed Jase to Brennon, made him a bottle and found my way back to the bedroom and shut the door.  And I slept.  I slept better then I had in days. 

7:45 am - I woke up to Jase standing at the bed, screeching at the cat and Brennon stating he was going to put fuel in my car before going to work - In other words, he was telling me to it's time to get up. And Jase and I played.  Together, we pushed trains across the floor, spent time looking at animals in his favorite books, playing the drums, read more books, and honestly just relaxed on the living room floor. What a wonderful morning.  I realized in that moment again how blessed I truly am.   And what was even better, Jase was ready to nap.  As I gave him a bottle and pulled him on to my lap, he touched my face and I kissed his hand.  I sang "you are my sunshine"  and I couldn't finish the song.  I was wretched into memories.  Memories of rocking Carter in the funeral home while singing that song.  Memories of watching the doctors perform CPR on Kaleb, and the shake of the doctors's head as he handed me my lifeless baby.  Singing that exact song while giving my Kaleb his first and only bath.  Singing to Jase in the NICU before Brennon and I left each night.  Telling Brennon just one more minute so that Jase and I could pray together, gazing into the incubator one more time, praying for the chance to be able to do this ritual again the next day.  Praying that God would keep my little boy safe and hoping He would not choose that day to take my baby from me.  Promising myself every day, that all of my boys could feel my love no matter how far away we were.

And then I felt guilty - for handing Jase over to Daddy when all he really wanted was his mom to not put him down.  I know he settled into to Daddy's lap quickly after I went to bed, but still, I felt bad when I realized that I needed those snuggles as much as Jase did.  So, as I rocked him at nap time.  I told him stories of his brothers.  There isn't many stories to tell -  Time was just to short.  So, I have made up memories that we share.  Of how life would be if all three of my boys were running through my home and how tired I truly would be. The sound of their laughter and at times, as I sit in silence, I can almost hear it. And as I glanced at the calendar on the computer, I realized that today is the 19th.  My body knew before my mind did.  17 months ago today, we said goodbye to Kaleb.  In two days, it will be 30 months since we said goodbye to Carter.  Isn't it amazing how the date on a calendar, a time on the clock, the sweet words of a song can take you back in a moment and you didn't even realize it?

An Old Picture - But a Favorite Picture

Grief is such a funny thing.  It never goes away.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.  I wish I could stand on the mountain and tell that to everyone that is grieving.  Time does not heal but it does soften.  My moments, these true heart-wrenching moments happen less and less. The raw and rough emotions have been softened and most times I remember with a smile.  My memories, that at one point, tore me apart, kept me in bed, and made it difficult to function happen less often.   I can now talk about my boys, my memories, and my love with out the extreme pain.  But today, when those heart-wrenching moments happen, I have to remember to ride my emotions like the ocean.  I ride each wave of emotion, experiencing the heartache, remembering the love.  Afraid that if I don't ride the waves, it will drag me down and I will drown.

                         So today, I remember my Kaleb, my Carter and today I cherish my Jase.

I have heard many people tell me during a rough time, to always tell the ones around you that you love them, that you cherish them, that you should spend time with them instead of spending money on them. This needs to happen every day - not just when something bad happens. Please don't take life and its moments for granted.  I never expected to be who I am today.  I never imagined that I would be a baby loss mama.  I can't tell you how many times I wished for things to be different.  I wish I didn't know grief so intimately.  And as I write that, I know I have been guilty of not always making the right choice when it comes to spending time over spending money - but let me tell you every lesson in my life has led me to this moment.  Where if in doubt, I will always choose Jase.  I will choose family over work, time over money, deeds over words and love over anger.

 I will pray - I will believe, and I will LOVE.  

We are so extremely blessed with 3 little boys who have taught us more about life then I can put into words.  A huge shout out to my husband, who when I asked for reinforcements, got up, took a very tired baby from my arms and let me go to sleep and didn't complain once.  I love you Brennon Grant Zellmer - Always and Forever.  Thanks for being the one that shares this journey with me - you are strong in so many ways and a wonderful husband and father.  

We are blessed.  

Thanks for always choosing us.

And as I finished my blog, I stopped and I prayed.  I thanked God for helping me to heal while I write these words.  For giving me purpose and for never leaving us.  To God be the glory.  May he continue to hold us in His arms.  I promised when I found out that I was pregnant that I would always tell my children about His love. A quote that I heard once, but can't really remember. "Dear God, I can't hold Carter and Kaleb in my lap to tell them about You - Will You can hold them on your lap and tell them about me.  Please God help me to raise my child in the ways that he should go.  Give me the wisdom and the courage to always do what is right for him.  That he will one day have a wife, a family, and that he always turn to You for guidance - May my 23 week baby continue to overcome all odds, to become the child and one day man that he is supposed to be.

 In Jesus Name we Pray - Amen

As I wrote these words, the mailman delivered our mail and I received a package from my Aunt Sherry.  She sent us a Molly Bears Calendar.  How I wish I shared pictures of Jase with my Carter Bear and Kaleb Bear - Next year for sure.  As I lifted the front cover, I had tears again.  Happy tears, sad tears, they were all mixed together.  I love that she makes bears in memory of our boys and her babies.  I am glad that I received it in the mail today - I needed it today and  I LOVE YOU!!

Thanks for reading my words, my emotions, my feelings -

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18

Until Next Time.....  Melissa

(I added some cute pictures - just because!)