Finding My Zen ...

I'm supposed to find my zen....

Yesterday was my follow - up with Dr Drake. 

 I am not going to lie, every time I go to the office (any doctor office), I feel like I am going to get bad news.  Bad news about me, bad news about the baby, it doesn't really matter who the bad news is about, I automatically assume the worse.

My blood pressure goes up, my anxiety goes up... my positive attitude gets left at the door and the worry takes over.

Yesterday, the tech did an ultrasound to check my cervix and then an ultrasound to check my uterus and the baby.  There were no measurements today, but the baby's HR was still strong at 150 bpm.  We tried to get a good picture of the baby, but s/he refused, face down towards my spine with it's feet and legs tightly together.  Our last pregnancy, we found out the boys'  gender at 13 weeks 4 days - not this time.  Baby said heck no, be patient a little longer.  We did however see that our baby has two legs, two arms, the stomach, bladder and two kidneys.  We saw the strong heart beat and we know that the baby is good!

See that little tiny heart?

WE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS LITTLE ONE!

13 Weeks 5 Days

Heart Rate - 150 bpm

Cervical Length - Good

The ultrasound tech took many pictures of my cervix and uterus.  During my ultrasound last week,  at 12 weeks, I was asked if I had ever been diagnosed  with fibroids and then was asked if I was nervous - she could tell because my uterus was contracting on the ultrasound. Yesterday, they checked again for the possibility of fibroids.

A short 10 minutes later and I was meeting with Dr Drake.  I updated her on my week, no more bleeding, no more intense back ache, cramps were gone, and I had upheld my promise to stay down as much as possible.

She said she had reviewed my ultrasounds and everything looked good.  My cervical length was good, and what she originally thought were fibroids in my uterus was my uterus contracting. My uterus contracted when they hit my cervix with the ultrasound wand, and then pressing down on my uterus during my abdominal ultrasound.  She didn't seem to worried about it..... but do you know what that does to someone with anxiety.  AHHHHH!

And Dr Drake said, "You need to find your zen"  We want a full term pregnancy.  We want you to be healthy, and happy and enjoy this pregnancy.. Own it!  Find your comfort place, but please not with food... I am pretty sure those were her exact words. Followed with, I want to deliver a full-term baby, not one early because of diabetes or high blood pressure.  

With those words, I KNOW that have to find my comfort zone - my happy place.  I really do have to let go of the anxiety.  What is the famous quote?  "Worry does not take away tomorrow's problems, It takes away today's peace."

And lets be honest - Sometimes easier said then done.

I had been doing so well with my positive affirmations of faith, with my trust and with my prayer, but then I had the cerclage surgery and everything changed.  I had those same feelings of worry, during the procedure, having the same concerns, the worry that the procedure would fail... The bed rest afterwards, was just another remind of the "what ifs".  Ugh, the back pain from being in bed all day and all night, the sleeplessness because you can't get comfortable and really, you didn't do anything  to be tired for.  Bed rest is hard.  It is one of the hardest things I do - but I do it for my baby.  Everyone things it would be great to have time off work, to lounge in pi's, and to watch television all day.  It is not like that.  

Brennon reminded me this morning that I was okay and the baby was okay.  I started crying and told him, "I just wish I was normal.  I wish I could have a normal pregnancy.  I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I didn't have so many reasons to worry."  I never expected to be pregnant again, and knowing that, I have to believe that this pregnancy will be healthy and full term.  I am thrust out of my comfort zone and reminded that I have to trust.  Trust in God - Trust in my doctors - Trust in myself.  Sometimes I get frustrated when I hear other moms wish their baby would come before 40 weeks, and I just pray that I can make it that long... and  then Brennon reminds me, we appreciate pregnancy, this baby and this process more, because of the hardships.

I know this.  I don't have to be told.  I'm really not going crazy.  I'm just an emotional mom.  An emotional mom who doesn't have easy pregnancies.  I am the mom who knows the grief of baby loss, who knows that there are no guarantees.  I am the mom who speaks to God while alone in my house, while driving in the car,  silently in the shower, and I ask for him to hear my prayers, to remember the desires of my heart, to heal me.... and I know that His will, is what will be done. 

And I will continue to search for my zen... my happy place.

It has helped to write this blog, to process my feelings, to pray to God. And, for the millionth time in the last few weeks, I turn this pregnancy over to God for His protection.

1.  I am blessed.

2.   I am healed.

3. God is protecting this baby, this pregnancy and me.

Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant and officially in the second trimester.  I know that much of my fear is the second trimester, but for now I will continue with my current restrictions to keep our baby safe.  Next Friday, I get to see Dr Lehman for my prenatal appointment and she always does so much in relieving my anxiety, and providing me with much needed hope.  In two weeks, I can start progesterone shots (come on insurance - work with me here please).  Our hope is that the progesterone will help battle preterm labor, keep my uterus calm, and my cervix long -  and keep this baby inside for 23 more weeks!

This is my happy place, investigating my true feelings, the calm of writing,  reading what wrote, and realizing what I already knew in my heart.  My happy place is knowing that God will provide.  Even in my darkest moments of grief, He didn't leave me, and He provided for me.

Thanks for continuing on this journey with me.

Thank you for the thoughts, the prayers, the friendship.

I share my thoughts, my journey mostly because it really does help me to find my happy place, 

but also helps reaffirm to myself how blessed I truly am.

There really is something powerful about a spoken blessing.

Melissa

Keep Calm and Stay in Bed.

Yesterday was my cerclage surgery.

I am so thankful this procedure is available, to help me provide a long and successful pregnancy for this baby.

I checked in at 10:45 am, and how lucky was I that they were ahead of schedule.

Prep was easy - some blood work, a quick iv with fluids, heart tones for the baby, and I was ready for a spinal.

12 pm - I was rolled into the operating room.

The crazy thing about this procedure - being wide awake.
Sit on the edge of bed, curve your spine as much as possible and hug the pillow.... Oh, and stay calm - very calm for the spinal procedure.

You then lay there, legs up,  wrapped in a blue curtain, and listen to the doctor and her OR nurse complete the procedure.  You talk to the OR nurse by your head and joke with the anesthesiologist.... and you pray.  You look at the overhead lights above you and you pray that this procedure will be successful.  You pray that you will do this, and your baby will be born full-term and healthy.  You remind yourself that you will endure this because of the love for your unborn child.  This child, who has also already become a huge part of your family, your future and your heart. 

I  remembered the last time I had this procedure with the twins.  The unknown and the fear that I felt lying in the room, listening to the same procedure.  I remembered while in the OR room, with my twin pregnancy, I had prayed that it would be the last time that I would have to do this surgery - and yet how thankful I am that I was able to have this surgery again.

12:38 pm - Wheeled into recovery.  Heart tones found for the baby (153 bpm).  I was so thankful for heart tones, a glass of water and graham crackers.  Last time, I was in recovery for 6 hours.  I was very grateful that it only took 3 hours to have enough movement to move my butt off the bed.  You would think that was easy.  It took me 3 hours to do it.  3 hours in recovery, where I laid, on my side of the curtain, and listened to the nurses around me ask patients to wake up from general anesthesia.  It is definitely a different experience.  I drank 8 jugs of water, with no urge to pee and tried to wiggle my toes as much as possible.  I watched my blood pressure cuff re-inflate and was hopeful to soon be in post-op so that I could at least talk to Brennon.

3:45 pm - Wheeled into post-op.  Brennon came down and brought me some trail mix.  I never liked trail mix before, but I could eat it every day now.  The salty peanuts and the sweet candy and raisins.  I use to hate raisins. Opps - I got a little off subject. :)  I checked Facebook!  Thank you so much for all of the prayers and messages yesterday.  It is greatly appreciated and it makes it so much easier when I know I have thoughts and prayers for me, my family and our baby.  Post-op was difficult.  I had feeling back in my waist, which lead to some crazy, crazy back pain, nauseous, some cramping and just not being able to be comfortable.  I finally realized  I probably shouldn't have drank another jug of water.... but let me tell you, I didn't need or want to be readmitted the next day because of a spinal headache.  I could tell that my bladder was full but I still didn't have the urge to pee or trust my legs to get me to the bathroom.

4:45 pm - Discharge instructions from my nurse before she went off duty.  The end was in sight.  I just needed to pee and walk.  5:05 pm - My bladder was ready to pee.  I graciously accepted some non-slip socks and found my way down the hall to the bathroom.  5:10 pm - I found myself back on the bed trying not to throw up.  

5:30 pm - Discharged and on my way to the lobby to the car.  It was not the most pleasant ride home, but I survived.  

I just have to say, I am so very thankful for my husband.  He is definitely one of a kind.  He took care of Jase when we got home, he tucked me into bed, and went to McDonalds to grab me a sandwich.  He put Jase to bed and let me sleep, waking up when Jase got upset at 2 am and fetching me tylenol and water at 3 am.  He is definitely one of my greatest blessings.

 I am thankful for all of my friends and family, who have watched and cared for my child during the surgery and in the days ahead while I am on bed rest.  I am thankful for everyone who has called and messaged me with positive thoughts and prayers.

I am thankful to God.  For answering a prayer I didn't know I wanted so badly.  Although, I was praying for a healthy baby through adoption, God answered my prayer with a healthy baby in my womb.  I am trusting fully, that he will care for this baby, that it is His will for a full-term, healthy baby for us to bring home.  I am trusting Him in this situation, because I can't control the outcome.  I can only control my actions in this pregnancy - a healthy diet, bed rest when needed, limited activity, following restrictions, trusting that my doctors know me and will treat me with best of their knowledge, and prayers to God.  I am at peace, because I trust.

And here I am today, heating pad on my back, tylenol, and my feet up. 

I have season 2 of Private Practice - a new book - ordering for the Elks done -

 and it is time to relax and allow this baby to grow.

Next week, I have another appointment with Dr Drake where she will do an ultrasound of my baby and check my cervix.  Hopefully, then I will be released to do limited activity.  I still can't stand for more then 2 hours at a time, or lift much, push or pull things - but I will be able to play with Jase, drive, visit friends and family, take Jase to PT and load the dishwasher. 

 Oh, wait, Brennon you didn't read that, I can't do any cleaning for the next 23 weeks!

This isn't the first time I have had to do this, but I am taking a few more precautions this time, knowing that my cerclage failed last time.  I will do everything in my power to keep this baby safe.  We will make every sacrifice financially to ensure that I don't work much  (ugh - I don't even want to think about paying bills).  Brennon will work a little more, I will relax a little more  (sorry Brennon).  I am pretty sure I will owe him BIG.  I should allow him the first month home with baby, off from night duty and diaper changes... Maybe?  I will make sacrifices of my own to make sure that I put the baby first by following my restrictions and staying healthy. I will trust my body and how I am feeling and I will stay faithful to God and his plan for our family.  

Thanks for following this journey with us. 

Thank you for all the love, support and prayers!

Melissa

Growing Love, Growing My Faith.

May 2, 2017 - 

Today was my appointment with Dr Drake.  She is my high-risk doctor and is with Perinatal Services at Methodist.  I met her 5 years ago, in the hospital, after Carter was born.  I was in shock, denial - I was experiencing every stage of grief, as I cuddled my first born son, for the first and only day of his life.  I cried that I couldn't take it anymore, that I couldn't, I wouldn't do it again.

And she reassured me, I would want to have children.  I would do it again, because the love and the blessings outweighed the grief and pain.

Fast-forward a year, Brennon and I still had the desire to have a child. I had just found out I was pregnant.   After seeing my OB - the first referral made was to Dr Drake.


Knowing that a multiple pregnancy is different then a singleton
      We had a lot of what if's during our twin pregnancy.  I also had a cerclage with the twins, but because of the weight of two babies on my cervix, the cerclage broke, and I gave birth at 23 weeks.  I am still so very thankful for Dr Drake, because without her, our medical team and the NICU team,
we wouldn't have Jase.

--------------------------------

A few months ago, I saw Dr Drake in the Atrium at the Methodist Hospital.
She questioned me on why I hadn't come to see her again -
My typical response, no more babies coming from my belly.
I told her that although I would love to have more babies, I was unsure that I could handle the stress, the emotions, the possibility of another loss.
I mentioned our thoughts on adoption and left the conversation with a  hug.

Thinking that we were done growing our family the traditional way, God answered a prayer I didn't know that I had spoke.

And, here we are again - 4 years later.

12 Weeks 4 Days Pregnant 

and I am in Dr Drake's office.

Measuring - 12 Weeks
Heart Rate - 159

It is now that I realize that in growing this tiny life inside of me - I am also growing my faith.
As humans,  it is hard to sit by and wait for God's answer.  It is easy to worry, to struggle, to wonder where He is leading us. I wish I knew exactly how my fears, my questions were going to play out - in a situation,  in world that I can't control.  I'm trusting God today. No matter, what happens and when it happens, I know He is with me.

I am also praying for a full-term, healthy pregnancy.
BECAUSE,
I have seen miracles and I have held them in my arms.

God wouldn't have allowed it unless He had a purpose -
Don't just go through it - GROW through it.

"Blessed is she who believes that the Lord will fulfill His promises to her." Luke 1:45

When you speak positive things - Positive things happen.

Here are my affirmations for this week.

1. God is in control of this pregnancy.
2. I AM BLESSED.
3. I AM NO LONGER HIGH RISK.
4. I AM HEALED.
5. Have I mentioned - I AM BLESSED.
6. I am looking forward to holding this full-term baby in my arms.
7. God hears my prayers and knows the desires of my heart.

Today, at my appointment, my cervix and cervical length was good.

Tomorrow, I check into Iowa Methodist Medical Center and will have a procedure to place a cerclage around my cervix.  She is doing a double stitch this time.   Following the procedure, the doctors will monitor our baby and me for a few hours, and then send me home to strict bed rest until my next appointment.

NEXT UP:
Ultrasound next week - GENDER MAYBE??
We will also start progesterone shots at 16 weeks to prevent preterm later.
As, Dr Drake's nurse said, "She is throwing the book at you."
My response - "We will do whatever it takes to keep this little one safe."

I left my appointment hopeful that this is the pregnancy where we will leave the hospital with a full term baby.    Something I haven't been able to experience, but am prayerful that this is another opportunity that God has blessed us with.

I am even looking forward to the glucose test!

We appreciate all the thoughts and prayers, tomorrow and  during the weeks ahead as we do everything we can to keep this baby safe, putting our worries in God's keep, and surrounding ourself with positive affirmations of faith.

Baby's Profile :)

173 Days Until We Meet Baby Z -
I mean it little one - STAY PUT IN THERE!


Until next time -
Melissa

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