I'm supposed to find my zen....
Yesterday was my follow - up with Dr Drake.
I am not going to lie, every time I go to the office (any doctor office), I feel like I am going to get bad news. Bad news about me, bad news about the baby, it doesn't really matter who the bad news is about, I automatically assume the worse.
My blood pressure goes up, my anxiety goes up... my positive attitude gets left at the door and the worry takes over.
Yesterday, the tech did an ultrasound to check my cervix and then an ultrasound to check my uterus and the baby. There were no measurements today, but the baby's HR was still strong at 150 bpm. We tried to get a good picture of the baby, but s/he refused, face down towards my spine with it's feet and legs tightly together. Our last pregnancy, we found out the boys' gender at 13 weeks 4 days - not this time. Baby said heck no, be patient a little longer. We did however see that our baby has two legs, two arms, the stomach, bladder and two kidneys. We saw the strong heart beat and we know that the baby is good!
See that little tiny heart?
WE HAVE SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS LITTLE ONE!
13 Weeks 5 Days
Heart Rate - 150 bpm
Cervical Length - Good
The ultrasound tech took many pictures of my cervix and uterus. During my ultrasound last week, at 12 weeks, I was asked if I had ever been diagnosed with fibroids and then was asked if I was nervous - she could tell because my uterus was contracting on the ultrasound. Yesterday, they checked again for the possibility of fibroids.
A short 10 minutes later and I was meeting with Dr Drake. I updated her on my week, no more bleeding, no more intense back ache, cramps were gone, and I had upheld my promise to stay down as much as possible.
She said she had reviewed my ultrasounds and everything looked good. My cervical length was good, and what she originally thought were fibroids in my uterus was my uterus contracting. My uterus contracted when they hit my cervix with the ultrasound wand, and then pressing down on my uterus during my abdominal ultrasound. She didn't seem to worried about it..... but do you know what that does to someone with anxiety. AHHHHH!
And Dr Drake said, "You need to find your zen" We want a full term pregnancy. We want you to be healthy, and happy and enjoy this pregnancy.. Own it! Find your comfort place, but please not with food... I am pretty sure those were her exact words. Followed with, I want to deliver a full-term baby, not one early because of diabetes or high blood pressure.
With those words, I KNOW that have to find my comfort zone - my happy place. I really do have to let go of the anxiety. What is the famous quote? "Worry does not take away tomorrow's problems, It takes away today's peace."
And lets be honest - Sometimes easier said then done.
I had been doing so well with my positive affirmations of faith, with my trust and with my prayer, but then I had the cerclage surgery and everything changed. I had those same feelings of worry, during the procedure, having the same concerns, the worry that the procedure would fail... The bed rest afterwards, was just another remind of the "what ifs". Ugh, the back pain from being in bed all day and all night, the sleeplessness because you can't get comfortable and really, you didn't do anything to be tired for. Bed rest is hard. It is one of the hardest things I do - but I do it for my baby. Everyone things it would be great to have time off work, to lounge in pi's, and to watch television all day. It is not like that.
Brennon reminded me this morning that I was okay and the baby was okay. I started crying and told him, "I just wish I was normal. I wish I could have a normal pregnancy. I wish it wasn't so hard. I wish I didn't have so many reasons to worry." I never expected to be pregnant again, and knowing that, I have to believe that this pregnancy will be healthy and full term. I am thrust out of my comfort zone and reminded that I have to trust. Trust in God - Trust in my doctors - Trust in myself. Sometimes I get frustrated when I hear other moms wish their baby would come before 40 weeks, and I just pray that I can make it that long... and then Brennon reminds me, we appreciate pregnancy, this baby and this process more, because of the hardships.
I know this. I don't have to be told. I'm really not going crazy. I'm just an emotional mom. An emotional mom who doesn't have easy pregnancies. I am the mom who knows the grief of baby loss, who knows that there are no guarantees. I am the mom who speaks to God while alone in my house, while driving in the car, silently in the shower, and I ask for him to hear my prayers, to remember the desires of my heart, to heal me.... and I know that His will, is what will be done.
And I will continue to search for my zen... my happy place.
It has helped to write this blog, to process my feelings, to pray to God. And, for the millionth time in the last few weeks, I turn this pregnancy over to God for His protection.
1. I am blessed.
2. I am healed.
3. God is protecting this baby, this pregnancy and me.
Tomorrow I will be 14 weeks pregnant and officially in the second trimester. I know that much of my fear is the second trimester, but for now I will continue with my current restrictions to keep our baby safe. Next Friday, I get to see Dr Lehman for my prenatal appointment and she always does so much in relieving my anxiety, and providing me with much needed hope. In two weeks, I can start progesterone shots (come on insurance - work with me here please). Our hope is that the progesterone will help battle preterm labor, keep my uterus calm, and my cervix long - and keep this baby inside for 23 more weeks!
This is my happy place, investigating my true feelings, the calm of writing, reading what wrote, and realizing what I already knew in my heart. My happy place is knowing that God will provide. Even in my darkest moments of grief, He didn't leave me, and He provided for me.
Thanks for continuing on this journey with me.
Thank you for the thoughts, the prayers, the friendship.
I share my thoughts, my journey mostly because it really does help me to find my happy place,
but also helps reaffirm to myself how blessed I truly am.
There really is something powerful about a spoken blessing.
Melissa
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