Thought for Week #8 of 2013 :)

Today is a new Monday - the last Monday of February.  Today is the 8th Monday of 2013 - and here is another very Zellmer update...... How many times can I say Monday?  Monday, Monday Monday - :)

This past week went by quickly.  Monday and Tuesday were busy days at work, Wednesday brought a trip to Council Bluffs, and Thursday and Friday were snowy days.  I enjoy snow days.  I don't really like the snow once it is here, but I enjoy the inclement weather.... the anticipation of a huge storm. The dream of sitting in my pajamas, watching it snow out the window, curled up with a good book.  BUT, it is always just a dream, as I always find something better that I think I have to do!  And it is supposed to snow again this week.  ( I am secretly disappointed that we may not get very much snow with this current forecast, and secretly excited  because we really have had enough snow :) Oh well -  It is time to move forward and embrace a new week, while reflecting on the past week. .. Here is my week -  

This week it is time to own up or shut up.  I am so tired of stating that I am fat.... that my clothes don't fit and that I am inching up towards the weight I was when Carter was born. (Or maybe, I have passed that weight - I refuse to step on the scale.)   I am not sure how it happened - Oh wait, yes I am - I love to cook.... and I LOVE TO EAT.  Add in the fact that some of the side effects of medication is increased appetite.  Yep - I am getting fat.  So now, is the time to do something about it, or just quit complaining about it.  Yesterday, I made Brennon go on a walk with me.  I loved walking last spring and summer with Brennon.  The brisk walk was just what I needed.  I feel like I have cabin fever.  SO - now I have to find the will power and go for it.  To lose 20 pounds and start to feel good again.    My goal for this week is to make my goals visible.  Time to own up.  I am going to take a picture - and it is going on the fridge and on my blog.  Time to be accountable for what I want in life.  And if I want to be healthy, this is a huge step to overall health.  Hey Summer - I don't think I should eat out this week for lunch. :)  OHH - this may be hard.  Oh look - girl scout cookies..... This is going to be very hard!

LOVE - Brennon I didn't do much this weekend.  Actually, we were kinda crabby with each other.  Not because either one of us really wanted to be, but it was a mixture of things.  We both realized without saying it that we were suffering from cabin fever.  Both of us wanted to do something, but we didn't have the energy to choose something to do.  Not only are we suffering from cabin fever, but  I was reminded that Brennon and I grieve differently.  With this past week, we both were faced with the fact that if Carter was born on his due date, we would be adjusting to our new life with an 8 week old.   Yet, we were faced with the realization that we have survived for 1/2 a year without our baby here with us.  Since we grieve differently, we also support each other differently.  Which definitely makes sense, but something I didn't take the time to consider.  I still thank God every day for blessing me with such a wonderful husband.  I couldn't imagine having anyone else beside me during these last few months.

Carter Bear

FAMILY -   If you are friends with me on Facebook, you already know, we recieved our Carter Bear on February 21st.....Carter's 6 month birthday.  My Carter Bear is so precious, just like my sweet Carter.  It made Brennon and I smile, that we could not specifically ask for  a certain bear, but just the choice between a decorated bear or unembellished bear.  We kinda worried that our bear would not be as cute as our Carter.... How could a stranger know our son's perfect personality like we do. In the mail, we received a perfect pale yellow bear.  We were always buying yellow for Carter, and I loved the little giraffe themed items that were at the store.   How shocked we were to realize that our Carter Bear was the perfect color, the perfect personality for our baby. Just another sign, that Carter is near us...  Thanks Carter Baby for validating that you are still here with us.

 For more information regarding the Molly Bears organization, please visit their website  - www.mollybears.com.  It is truly a wonderful organization.  They create weighted teddy bears the exact size of your angel baby, so that grieving families have something to hold.  They run completely on donations, and I am pleased to be able to donate.  I am considering doing a fundraiser for them in the near future.  Just a small way to give back, as we are very pleased with our Carter Bear.  It amazes me, how such a small item can bring such joy to our lives... and in a small way brings us peace.  It is very hard to explain, but I am pumped that I will be able to pick up my teddy bear, hug it, and cuddle it close to me when I am missing my sweet baby.

FAITH - It is time to stop worrying about the people in my life.  God knows how to move the wrong people out of my life and the right people in.  I struggle with the changes in my life, and I continue to struggle with the hurt that I feel in my heart.  I am working very hard to let the hurt and anger go.  I am also working towards accepting the things that I can not change.  To love others the way that God loves me, and to realize that those people who have walked out of my life, may be because God was moving me in a better direction... to make me the person I am meant to be.

I was told this week, that God will never leave you empty... that if He asks you to say goodbye or walk away, He is preparing you for something greater.  How do I feel about that - I have had so many changes in a short amount of time.  I had to say goodbye to Carter, but how can there be something greater then having my Carter here?  I continue to think about how much my life has changed in the past year.  I honestly can't say that my life has changed for the worse.. or really for the better.... It has just changed.  I am sad that my baby is not here, but I also know that I am strong enough to say goodbye and cherish my baby, honoring him every day, as though he was physically with us.  He continues to be apart of our every day... and I couldn't imagine it any other way!

When my heart is overwhelmed - lead me to the rock that is higher then I am.  Psalm 61:2

Today Melissa, God wants you to know, "in order to move forward you must open yourself to new experiences."  Yes - I am reading my message from God again, and once again, the message spoke to me.  It went on to say, "There is no failing, only results.  Be courageous and push yourself to new heights.  Besides, what is going to happen if you make a bad decision?  You learn from it.  The more results you make, the faster you will reach your destination."  This has me thinking about life. Our life story is written every day by the choices we make.  Choices, become decisions, and decisions become answers.  Often times, we pray that we make the right decision in regards to our choices.  With those answers, we are blessed with miracles.  A miracle is a miracle - don't forget to notice them, no matter how small or how big.. there are blessings all around us.

My thought for the week is to tell God that I am ready to move forward.  When I feel overwhelmed, when I question my life, my choices and my decisions - I will seek God's guidance and move forward.  I may not be able to see the way, but a part of trusting in God, is to tell him that I am ready and to embrace new experiences.  It is time to be courageous and push myself forward.  So here I am, letting go, surrendering my life again to God, and to move in the direction He will lead me.  I pray boldly - Please God, I AM READY -

It is time to move forward.  Will you walk with me! - Melissa :)

Thought for Week #7 of 2013

Lucky Week #7... It is time to roll the dice.

"Whatever you do - hold on to hope!  What a wonderful thought.  That even in our darkest moment, we can have faith, that this is not the end of our story, and that change will bring us to a new beginning.  I love that.  Especially when there are days in our lives, where we feel overwhelmed, full of anxiety, or sad.  Hope is a wonderful thing.  One of may favorite scriptures is Romans 5:3. I know that I have shared it before, but it really fits into my thought for the week.  "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5  - HOPE - Without hope, we would not be able to see an end to our grief.

On that note, have you ever realized that people thrive on other people's emotions. Usually the emotions of anger, hurt and sadness.   I truly believe,  humans are curious about other people's struggles and grief.  I noticed as I write my weekly blog that I am close to 2000 views, broke down over 7 weeks.  What I have noticed that on weeks where I comment about being defeated, overwelmed and full of grief, I have a lot of blog activity.  On the weeks, that I talk about having a good week, my blog numbers are half.  Does this upset me?  No, of course not, I write for my own healing, but I find it funny.....  when we hear that someone is experiencing illness, divorce or death, we are drawn to it. We want to know their heart ache... Does that make sense?  I find that I can't put the words what I am trying to say... but I am going to put this to the test.  Are you reading this, because I posted on Facebook, that I am angry, overwhelmed and done with it, or are you one of my weekly blog readers?

Just so you know, I did have a few sad days this week, but I am not overwhelmed, defeated and full of grief.  I am actually full of hope.  I continue to believe that we are placed on this Earth, to ultimately do good.  And, I want to do good.  I do find that many times, when I have difficult moments, it is usually feelings of hurt.. hurt that someone took advantage of me, didn't validate my feelings, or  didn't make what I found important a priority.  Not because, they meant to hurt my feelings, but because they were busy living there own life, experiencing there own joys and struggles.  Someone once said, "Sometimes we expect more out of others, because we would be willing to do that much for them."  That really gives me something to think about.  Are we willing to do more?  Or, as  Albert F. Schlieder said, "We tend to judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our intentions."   I do believe that we all have some of the best intentions.  If we are going to judge by behavior, we have to be willing to judge ourselves by the same, instead of always settling for good intentions. Something to really ponder.

Oh well - onto the story of my week....

LOVE - Note to my husband.. We have been married for almost 6 years and together for 8... Presents should ALWAYS be about presentation and anticipation.  What do you want for Valentine's day  is always going to end up with the response - "nothing".  Anticipation of the what if, or the what will I recieve is one of the best feelings. -  Now let me explain Presentation and Anticipation - Imagine the anticipation of going out to eat for a birthday celebration.  Now imagine a large steak, a baked potato, a salad with a warm bun.  Is your mouth watering yet?  (Mine Is)  The anticipation is 1/2 of the fun.  Now imagine that steak was served on the lid of a garbage can.  Pretty sure that is not presentation.  All of a sudden, that steak doesn't seem so appetizing.  My husband, gets so excited about the gift, he forgets to wrap it, and gives it to me 3 days before my birthday.  I shouldn't complain - but that is not anticipation and presentation.  And he will tell any man he sees, that anticipation and presentation is what every woman wants.  To feel like they were remembered, cherished and important.  But, my wonderful husband forgets every holiday.

So, this year on February 14th,  I really didn't want my husband to buy me anything.  But, he asked at 7 am .... "what do you want for Valentine's Day -  Because I don't know what to give you."  We go through this at every holiday.  That is not anticipation and presentation.  Am I wrong to say, that most women do not want to be asked what to buy for them.  I wouldn't mind if my husband got me a random, silly present on August 13th - just as long as he thought about me enough to buy me a gift... not because it is my birthday, valentines' day or christmas, but because he wanted to.  Now, to those of you that know me... am I that hard to shop for?  Anyway, enough of this rant - I can't be upset, last week, I did get beautiful charms for my pandora bracelet while in Des Moines... and Brennon paid.  I just have to giggle.... don't ask me what I want.  What I am thankful for is the gift he gives me every day, and that is the three words he says often, "I love you."

FAMILY - This past weekend, I made loaded baked potato soup.  It was awesome.  We were able to share our meal with Brennon's parents.  I enjoyed cooking lunch for them and sitting down and talking.   Have I mentioned that I love Sunday Dinners... I guess because I like to eat? The problem is I have a constant battle with food.  The love for cooking and eating, but not wanting to get fat.  If I continue to eat baked potato soup, I will continue to get fat... heavy whipping cream, cheese, bacon.  BUT - who can resist?

FAITH - Do you ever wonder how you are going to make it through one more hour, one more day, one more week?  I feel so tired of feeling sad....I am so tired of feeling like my life is on hold in my grief.  Do you know that I still feel angry that there are people in my life that pretend that Carter didn't exist, or maybe that he did exist, but they don't talk about him.  I still sit here on the couch and I look at Carter's picture and I still cry.  I wish I could hold him like I can hold the picture, and then I feel thankful that I have a picture to hold.  I am angry that my life feels so empty without my sweet boy.  Did you know that we were anxiously waiting to find out if Carter was a boy or a girl so that we could decorate the nursery?  Did you know that we had moved our laudry room to the basement in preperation for our child's new room... painted the room, and bought gender nuetral clothes?  Did you know that I have 5 boxes of diapers in my baby's closet?  Did you realize that I have a stack of book's waiting to be read, a crib and rocking chair picked out?  Did you know that I was checked into labor and delivery, that I had dreams of walking out of the hospital with my baby in my arms?  Do you know that I walked out of the hospital with a heart shaped box, filled with a the clothes my baby was dressed in, a few picture and his footprints?  My baby was alive.  He was born.... it will be six months on Thursday since he was born, and I still grieve.  My heart breaks, my arms long to hold him, and I can not forget that I gave birth, to a beautiful baby boy.

Somedays, I feel like I have nothing left but my faith. I remember the days following Carter's birth, when I stated many times... I wish I could stay home and pray all day long.  If I am praying, I am at peace.  I have strength.  Even in my most defeated moments, I felt the love of God inside me.  Even though, I have had a hard time trusting in God's plan, I know that there are good things to come to our family.   I have to believe that there is a purpose, that everything happens for a reason.  I tell myself that a lot, but I sometimes get tired of hearing it and tired of saying it.  Knowing that there is a purpose does not mean it makes my grief easier.  But, now I find that I have hope.... maybe even more hope then I have fear.  I pray for the other mothers and fathers who have lost their baby or babies....  I pray for their peace, for strength to manage another moment, another day, another week.  Because of my journey with Carter, I have been blessed to meet another mom, who said goodbye to her baby girl at 20 weeks.  As we message back and forth, I can feel her grief, and it reminds me of my own raw emotions 6 months ago, and it reminded me that there are days, like this past Saturday, that I can still feel those intense, overwhelming feelings... and that it is okay.  I need to feel those feelings -  It is part of the healing process.  I am so thankful.  I pray that now that we are connected - that our precious children are together in Heaven, laughing, playing and talking about how they have the very best moms.  

My message from God this week, reminded me that "even the desert has beauty."  I never thought about it that way, but the message, went on to say, "good times and bad times are a part of living.  It is difficult to appreciate joy until you have tasted sadness.  Laughter is sweeter if you have experienced tears.  There may be times when you feel like you're stuck in a dry and desolate place, but an encouraging call or hug from a friend my be an oasis; beauty in the desert.  Though it may not be easy, to try to remember that the trials are going to help you fully experience joy on the horizon."

This brings me to my thought for the week....love and grief is a journey.  Without love, there would be no grief.  Good days follow the bad, hope replaces the fear, and laughter can follow the tears.  With grief - comes hope.  Samuel Smiles said, "Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts the shadow of our burdens behind us."  Remember that our time on Earth, is said to be like a blink of an eye in Heaven.  Tell your friends and family that you love and care about them.... as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  Be there for one another.   Believe in the life you are living, and never loose hope.

Have a great week!  Melissa

Loaded Baked Potato Soup

I have been playing around with recipes again... I needed something for Sunday dinner, and decided to make baked potato soup.  I have decided that whatever I did, I did right.  It may be my new favorite soup! Once again, I took a bunch of recipes and made it my own -  I am sharing it with you.

Ingredients:  

8 Medium Potatoes, backed, peeled and diced

1/4 cup Real Butter

1 Onion diced

1 lb Bacon, diced and crumbled

1/4 cup All Purpose Flour

3 cans of Chicken Broth

1 cup of Sour Cream

2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream

3 cups of Shredded Cheese - I use Colby Jack

Garnish: (Any or All Can Be Used as Garnish)

Green Onions 

Chives
Crumbled Bacon

Sour Cream

Cheddar Cheese

Please read directions carefully, not all of the ingrediants are added at the same time.  For example, two cups of chicken broth is used in step 6 -  the last cup is not added until the end of step 7. The same for the whipping cream.  You use one cup in step 5 and one cup in step 6! :)

Directions: 

1.  Bake Potatoes in Oven - 350 degrees for approximately an hour or until done.  Remove from oven and allow to cool.  Once cool, remove the potato skin and cut potatoes to desired size.  ( Next time, I am going to peel, wrap in tin foil with butter, and bake - removing the skin afterwards was kind of a pain)

 - While potatoes are baking, dice onions, bacon, green onions, and chives for recipe and garnish......

2.  In a large soup pan, pour a tiny bit of heavy whipping cream in pan.  Just enough to cover the bottom of the pan.  Add diced potatoes.  Melt 1/4 cup of butter in microwave.  Pour over potatoes, sprinkle with pepper, and put in the refrigerator.

3.  Dice and cook bacon until crispy.  Remove 1/2 cup of the bacon to use as garnish later.  Add diced onion to the bacon grease.  Cook until tender.  Drain Well.

4.  Add bacon and onions to the diced potatoes.

5.  Stir together 1 cup of heavy whipping cream with 1/4 cup flour.  Whisk well to make sure there are no lumps.  

6.  In a saucepan, mix together 2 cups of chicken broth, 1 cup of sour cream, and one cup of heavy whipping cream.  Stir until well mixed. Bring to a boil, stirring consistently.  Pour cream/flour mixture slowly into the sauce, stirring constantly until it has thickened and bubbly.  Add sauce to the potatoes. Mix together carefully, as not to mash the potatoes.

7.  Add 2 or 3 cups of cheese, stirring until melted.  This will thicken the soup more.  So begin by adding 1/2 cup of chicken broth to the soup, stirring carefully.  Continue to add chicken broth, until cheese is melted and consistency is desired.  May add 1/4 cup of heavy whipping cream as well, to thin out the cheese. (Do not use more then 1 cup chicken broth :)

8 Continue to simmer for 10 minutes.  Garnish with bacon, chives, green onions, cheese and sour cream if you like.  Serves 6-8.  

To brag (just a little bit) it was a really great soup!  My recipe turned out great.  If you try it... let me know what you think!

Enjoy!

PRINT RECIPE

Thought For Week #6 of 2013 :)

Week #6 of 2013

This has actually been a pretty weird week....  I really don't have much to blog about and I really struggled this week with what I should write about, and what my thought for the week should be.  But I guess, it is the 6th Monday of 2013, so I have to ramble about something...Here is my week in a nutshell...

TODAY - I was whiney again...Really, is this going to happen every 6 weeks?  I was so tired, and grumpy, and just one of those days, where I wish I had stayed in bed.  Although I will say - a little pay it forward and a good dinner with Brennon has helped turn my day around. How I love him -- although this morning, Brennon was picking on me, and that may have been the reason why I was so whiney?!  I did my first pay it forward gift of 2013... A pair of warm cozy socks and a note that says "You Rock My Socks".  I loved sneaking around to drop off my gifts.  I am enjoying this way to much.  This weekend, I found myself at Wal-Mart, searching each isle for the perfect gift for my pay it forward 2013 year.  I am hoping that even though my gifts are small, they still bring a smile to each recipient.  I know that it brought me a smile!  I hope that I will continue to to do this, not only in 2013, but in the years to come!

LOVE -  Talking about love, it makes me think about Valentine's Day. Over the centuries, humans have used this holiday to express their love for each other, by flowers, candy and handwritten notes called valentines... and it is only 3 days away. Valentine's Day can be exciting and romantic, for the couple who is a new flame, or for a couple who has celebrated together for many years.  It is even a wonderful time to admire someone secretly!  But for those who are single, Valentine's Day can be boring and honestly, you are stuck watching others brag over their gifts.   I always thought Valentine's Day was kinda silly.  Just another reason to buy a gift, proclaiming your love for another person.  If you really care about one another, you should hear the words "I Love You" every day, and gifts should be because you want to - not because you feel obligated because it is Valentine's Day.  Now sharing all that,  I also wonder if the main reason behind wanting to receive a valentine, is to brag to your friends, your co-workers, or strangers all the sweet and possibly expensive gift you received for Valentine's Day.  I know I have done that once or twice.... and disappointed when I got flowers shoved in a vase that were dying because my husband didn't have money or more likely the time to spend on the quality flowers.  But really, as I write that - guys always get the horrible end of the deal on Valentine's Day.  Brennon doesn't care, so he always gets what he wants, and that is nothing.  I just kinda feel bad, that I don't spoil him at Valentine's Day.  Well anyway - that's my rant.  If you see my husband this week... remind him the 14th is Valentine's Day! :)  I promise, I am going to work harder to find the perfect valentine for him too!

FRIENDS -  What a busy weekend with friends.  Friday night, I was able to start the night off right with dinner with one of my bestest friends.  I continue to count my blessings that Corina and I work so hard to make sure we take time to connect once a month.  Is it March yet - I enjoy the time spent together.  It amazes me how clear I can see what I truly want, after a couple hours in her company!  Following my dinner, I came home to a house full of laughter.  We were able to spend the evening with Summer and Larry and Emily and Travis.  With peach margaritas, chicken enchiladas and of course a couple of Coors Lights.  It was a good time.  I appreciated that everyone took time from busy schedules to invade our home.  AND I was pumped that I was not the Zellmer that woke up with a headache, and what I would assume was a big fat hangover :)  That was Brennon!  HA HA

FAMILY -  Sunday, we had lunch at my mom's.  Corned Beef and Cabbage - and 3 glasses of wine! It tasted great.  As I was helping my mom with apps on her iPad - I again felt kinda bad that I am always on the laptop, using it for Facebook, Pinterest or my blog.  Brennon is stuck using his phone or the Nook tablet to access his apps.  On the way home, I mentioned again that I wanted to buy him an iPad for Valentine's Day, which by the way is only 3 days away.. HINT - HINT Brennon :)  Brennon seemed okay with that, until coffee this morning, he looked at me and said, "Maybe you shouldn't buy me an iPad - I can think of many things to spend that money on... and if you have the computer, that means I have the television remote.  Good point, but I still feel bad hogging the laptop. Maybe I should order  one anyway? We will see...  We will see!

FAITH -  Do you believe in signs?  Moments in life, where you realize that God is speaking to you.  I feel like I have had a lot of those moments lately.  Really, I am searching for my purpose in life.  The life that God has prepared for me.... not the life, I think I am supposed to have.  To let go of past hurts, to forgive, to be happy and to love deeply.  To cherish the important things in life, and to do my best.  To be a friend that I would want others to be for me, and to use my strengths to help other.  I really miss Carter, but I wonder if a part of saying goodbye, was to help me understand the complex journey to be who I am supposed to be, the wife I supposed to be, the mother I am supposed to be, the friend I am supposed to be, and the child of God that I am supposed to be.

This weekend, I was reading my message from God on Facebook.  It was on Saturday, and again, I was pondering what my thought for next week was going to be.  I read it, and realized that it was -  a sign from God.  Today, Melissa, God wants you to know that "you are created just right.".  It went on to say... "Each kind of bird has a uniquely-shaped beak, wings, and even feather shape so that everything about it is perfect for the lifestyle it lives.  The various wing shapes allow them to dart every bug, soar miles above a field, or fly for months over the ocean.  Just as God cares enough to give each bird exactly what it needs, so you have been given the exact talents and personality to life the life God has given you."

Sunday I checked my message from God.  Today, Melissa, God wants you to know that "your talent is God's gift to you."  It went on to say, "What you do with it is your gift back to God."

See - signs - What is the chance that I have two random messages that say the same thing?  I am perfectly made my Him.  Now the choice is up to me.  I can turn my back on my talents and gifts that God has given me, or I can move forward, to help others, to help myself, and to live the life that I can be proud of.  So in my final days, I can look back on my life, and realize, that everything that I did, the mistakes that I made, the happiness and grief that I felt, brought me exactly where I needed to be. I am so thankful that God speaks to me.  I have gotten pretty good at the talking to God part, I just need that reminder to slow down and listen.  I will work on that more in the week ahead....

I have decided that trusting in God can be very difficult.  Especially when we have so many ideas of how our life was going to be.  I remember in those days following Carter's birth, I was so angry.  I asked often and still do - Why can't I have everything?  I have a husband, a home, a job that pays the bills and allows me to have a little left over, I have good family, friends, and I believe in God.... but I can't have my son.  Yes, he is my son in Heaven as much as he would have been on Earth, but I can't touch him, I can't cuddle him, love him, teach him.  I don't have everything, I don't have my son in my arms.  Even if Brennon and I choose to have another baby, I won't have his or her big brother physically here with us.  And now, I continue to struggle in believing that my prayers will be answered.    Even though I know that everything God asks us to do, however difficult, is because he has something great planned for us.  I want to believe that, I want to keep the faith.  But honestly, some days it is so hard.   Darn patience....I will believe, and I will trust, and I will give to others.... I have to live this life,  using my talents and strengths, trusting in God, so at the end of my life, Carter will meet me with a hug and a kiss in God's home, at Heaven's gate.  As I wrote before, I will have hope, faith and love.

"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him."  Lamenatations 3:25

I believe that one of my strengths is to help people.  I have always worked at jobs where I have helped others, and we all seek praise and encouragement.  I want to believe that most people are good people. and that we find helping others to be inspiring. One human being helping another.   I know that I feel better when helping someone.  Whether it is helping an elderly person with their groceries, or taking the time to truly listen to a child, or just a smile at a stranger. It makes me happy to help others.  This brings me to my thought for the week... to  use the strengths and talents that God has given me, and to use my life to  of assistance to others.  Will you?

Have a blessed week - Melissa

Thought for Week #5 of 2013

It is a new week, another Monday......  5 weeks into the new year.  February 4, 2013 - Only 42 days until Spring.  Yahooo :)  Saturday was Groundhog's Day. Polk County Paula in Des Moines stated.... NO SHADOW - Expect an Early Spring!  And so did Punxsutawney Phil - So it must be correct right?  Who puts their trust in a groundhog? Either way,  I am ready for spring and to enjoy the outdoors again.  I can't wait to start our daily walks again, and to see new growth all around us.  The great thing about February - only 28 days!  Not that I should be wishing my days away - I'm not, I am just ready for some warm sun.  I have to remind myself that Life is a Journey - We need to remember to live each day as though it is our last.  Enjoy the small moments as much as the big moments.  Say "I love you" - and be the friend you want others to be for you.  Even when life is tough, and you wonder why?  It is important to carry on living life.  We are only blessed with one.  So Hello February - Hello Life... Let me enjoy each moment, each day, and each month as we Carry On in Life... Making Moments and Making Memories.... "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

LOVE - Today Brennon and I went to Des Moines -  I love it when he takes the day off to spend it with me at doctor's appointments.  He has come to realize that when he is there, my anxiety is lower, resulting in my blood pressure being lower.  Just sitting in the waiting room, he calms me.  We had a great day -  enjoyed lunch at Famous Dave's and he surprised me with charms from Pandora.  My bracelet is so beautiful, and I love that the charms represent part of my life.  Overall - it was a wonderful day.  I enjoyed the little moments that we shared.

Do you know what else I cherish? Saturday mornings... I love Saturday mornings.  Most people I talk to utilize Saturdays to sleep in.  Not me.  I find the earlier I wake up - the more productive I am.  I find that Saturday mornings, before Brennon wakes up, is my time.  I am able to talk to God, talk to Carter, and find my peace for the end of the week.  To reflect on my feelings, my actions, and my responsibilities.  Many times it is Saturday morning, where I find my thought for the next week, and ideas for my blog. Just me and the fat cat, lounging on the chaise lounge, a cup of coffee, and most times a box of kleenex.

FAMILY -  I received a package today from my Aunt Sherry - And I love it.  She has sent me a card, which meant a lot to me, but I wasn't expecting the package with this cute little sign in it.  I just need to say thank you.  I appreciate the hand written letter, in  a time that we rely so much on email and Facebook.  One of the reasons that I blog, is because of the healing power writing has for me, but also so family and friends that don't have facebook can keep up with my continued journey with life.  Sherry is a blog follower, and I always like to know what she thinks about what I post.  So, thanks Sherry - next step - we will get you Facebook!

FRIENDS - I am the Red Power Ranger - well Brennon is - but I tend to be the one thinking of the right thing to say  and search the internet for the right thing to text, while being my alter ego.  You are probably reading this right now thinking that I have lost my mind.  Well, my friend and neighbor Evan, really likes the red power ranger, and has been having a rough few days at school.  So, he believes that the Red Ranger sends him text messages, reminding him to be good.  Maybe, because Brennon's phone number has been replaced as Red Ranger in his mom's phone.  GO GO POWER RANGERS....

Jill's Shredded Beef -
Makes My Mouth Water :)

I had my hair cut and colored on Friday - a nice dark color.  Summer and I headed to Clearfield for a little color and wax!  It was nice to relax after a stressful week at work.  And it is always nice for a little change.... Thanks Angie! We completed the evening by going out to eat with Summer and Larry.  The Windrow was busy, but I sure enjoyed the Big Juanita...

Saturday, we went to the Elks and saw our friends Dave and Jill Neeley.  We haven't seen them for awhile, and I was blessed to be able to visit for a while and eat her delicious cooking.  That was the best shredded beef sandwich I have ever had! I wonder if she would allow me to blog her recipe?

Sunday was the Super Bowl - When I was younger, I always liked Joe Montana, so I had to root for the 49's  - I think it is pretty good logic.  As I sat down to watch the game, I was excited and hopeful for a good game. The first half of the game was slow, the commercials weren't as great as last year, and I wasn't even excited for the Half-Time Show - The most excitement was when half the stadium lights went out. The game did pick up from there.  I am glad that the 49's showed up in the 2nd half -  It amazes me that we pay these players more for one game, then we pay our Service Men and Women that defend our country and risk their lives for our freedom.  It really just makes the game less desirable. I was so bored with the game, I crocheted my beer a koozie. (Who would have ever thought that I would crochet - seriously :) Crocheting was just another one of those things I taught myself how to do, to keep busy during the last few months.  This beer koozie is the third thing I have ever crocheted.  I am pretty proud of it.  Anyway - this game made me realize why I don't enjoy pro-football - Give me a game of college football any day.  I am much more competitive and excited when the Hawkeyes are playing.  GO IOWA :)

FAITH -  I had a rough week last week.  I felt sadness.  I felt defeated.  Even though, I wanted to trust in God, I continued to question my life and decisions in my life that were out of my control. I wanted to rush things in my time, and when it didn't happen.. I was angry.  I had prayed and prayed for God to answer one simple prayer this past week, and He did not. It reminded me that I have had to endure  a lot of unanswered prayers.  First, many years of praying to get pregnant went unanswered, then when I got pregnant,  my prayer for Carter to survive went unanswered.  My prayer last week that I thought was equally important, again went unanswered.  This resulted in overwhelming feelings of sadness and anger this week.  I felt loss again, and it brought back all of those overwhelming feelings of grief that I had experienced last August and the days to follow.  Remembering these intense feelings, I still remember giving birth to Carter as though it was yesterday, and what should have been the happiest day of our lives, was replaced with pain and sorrow.  I gave birth -  I went to the funeral home.  Isn't that what you do when you give birth? NO, you are supposed to give birth, and take your child home.  Carter never got to come home with us.  I remember wanting to be near him, and not wanting to leave the funeral home.  I was thankful for our funeral home, that allowed me to take over, to help with every ounce of planning my child's memorial service and his only birthday party on Earth... I questioned when the right time to have his memorial service.  Should I do it that week, or the following week, when family had planned to come home for Labor Day Weekend - I remember thinking... The right time?  There is not a right time to say goodbye to my child, I just said hello.  I remember wanting to just curl up with him in the rocking chair.  I wanted to be near him.  Not only his spirit but my baby's body, the baby I gave birth to.  Some people may think this odd, but not me.  I had just said hello on Tuesday.  That meant I had 2 days, to be near my baby.    I am so thankful that I can still feel Carter close to me.  I can feel the love in my heart.  How I wish I could cuddle with my little boy today.  I would kiss him to sleep, cherish his cries, and cuddle him forever.  Please God, tell my Carter how much Daddy and I love him.  How much we miss him.  Please tell him about his us, and how much we love being his parents.  I am thankful You allowed me to carry such a precious baby boy.

I hadn't listened to this song for awhile, but found it again on YouTube this past weekend.  It is one of my favorites.  Todd and Angie Smith lost a child in 2008.  Todd is the lead singer for Selah.  His wife, Angie wrote a book.  I have bought it for my nook,  but have not read it yet, scared of the emotions, and feelings that I will feel while reading it.  I Will Carry You - The Sacred Dance of Joy and Grief by Angie Smith.  It is such a beautiful song, I am sure it is a beautiful book.  I shared it below.

Thinking back to those painful moments, I still question today... Why did God choose this journey for me?  I almost feel guilty for writing above that I was angry regarding my unanswered prayers.  God knows my needs and wants more then I do  - I do not want to be ungrateful. I am thankful for my life.  I just question why, over and over, I question why? I know that Carter has been the reason for my renewed faith.  Because of Carter, I want to know God better.  Carter reminded me to surrender my life to God.  Not to just say I believe with my words, but to truly believe by my actions, living my life according to His will.  I also hope I am able to help others, by sharing his story. And again, as I write, I am reminded that faith in God - means faith in His timing.  Maybe my prayers were unanswered because it wasn't time yet.  It really sucks, living without Carter, but this makes me believe that there is a reason for every unanswered prayer.  If Carter had died as an early miscarriage, I would not have been able to hold him, or know if he was a boy or girl, I also wouldn't have known I had an incompetent cervix.  This means, that I could have gotten pregnant again, and possibly have to say goodbye to a second child, because of the incompetent cervix.  Now, if I get pregnant again, I know what to do to ensure that my baby is safe.  Carter saved his future siblings!  I always said we would only have one child.  Now, because of Carter, we pray that God will bless us with another child.  We have so much love to give, we would then have 2 children to make our family complete or maybe 3.  We will no longer decide how many children we will have, but we will let God decide how many children He will bless us with. I was blessed with Dr Lehmen, and will have great care in any future pregnancies.  Because of Carter, I understand love of an unborn child, of knowing what a child feels like inside of me.  I can share Carter with others, my love for him, and our story, so that others understand how to support someone who has  lost a child.  I can grieve with other mothers who have lost their baby, and help them to honor them every day.  To assist others with realizing that our child is not lost or forgotten.  That it is okay to speak his name.  For you see, I grieve for him even in silence.  Speaking his name, is not going to hurt me more, it will actually help me heal.  A reminder that he is still a part of my life.  Ignoring him, does not make him less real. None of these reasons make living without Carter easier.  I still wish he was here with us.   If only there was FaceTime in Heaven.  I will continue to trust in God and His timing, and thank God for even the unanswered prayers.  God does know what is best for me and what is best for my family.   God has a reason for not answering my prayers.  So, instead of thinking about all the things I didn't receive after praying, I will remember all the blessings I received with out asking.  I will continue to trust in God, and when I find that I am rushing my life, I will remember...

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

The funny thing is - I was so worried about my unanswered prayer last week, it caused me a lot of anxiety, sadness, frustration and anger.   Today,  I came home from Des Moines, and that very prayer was answered.  See, just another reminder, that nothing in God's world is a mistake - I just had to trust in God's timing. Thank you God - for reminding me that You hear my prayers, and answer when it is the right time..

Following my emotional week, this past Saturday morning, Brennon and I were watching some music videos and came across "Carry On" by Fun.  As I listened to the lyrics... I remember feeling lost and alone, where getting out of bed and putting my feet on the ground, took all of my energy.  Brennon looked at me and said - there is your thought for next week.    Here are a few of the lyrics -

Cause We Are
We Are Shining Stars

We Are Invincible

We Are Who We Are

On Our Darkest Day

When We're Miles Away

So We'll Come

We Will Find Our Way Home

If You're Lost and Alone

Or You're Sinking Like a Stone

Carry On

May Your Past be the Sound

Of Your Feet On the Ground

Carry On

Carry On, Carry On

I never really thought about this before.  The thought of carrying on... and how important it is.  I have had a significant loss, a loss that I never thought that I would be able to recover from.  I remember my darkest days, and the intense pain that I felt.  Without even realizing it, I carried on - I did what I needed to do to continue with my life. It is not something you think about, it is something that you do. I returned to work, even though I didn't want to, I went to family dinners, even though all I wanted to do was stay at home.  I went out to dinner, even though there were people that stared at us, or even made comments, loud enough for us to hear.  NOTHING CURES THE PAIN - but I have found things that have helped.  Patience... Patience with my grief. Understanding that I can not rush my grief. I have to allow it to take place, to ride the waves, instead of drowning in them.  Keep Moving - Even if they are tiny steps.   Starting a Journal, writing down my feelings. I have started blogging - which is a huge sense of healing for me.  I have turned towards the people I love for support instead of away from them.  Compassion has helped... Talking to and listening to other parents who have lost a child,  has really made a difference.  Thank you Beth for allowing me to reference your words in my blog, and to everyone my life that has been there for me when I needed to cry, to scream and for countless words of compassion, reminding me that the pain will not be intense forever.  If you are lost and alone, we can experience this journey together.  I will help you carry on.

This brings me to the thought of the week..... May your past be the sound of your feet on the ground - Carry On!  "You can do anything you want - if you want it badly enough.  You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."  Abraham Lincoln

Enjoy the Small Moments in Life as Much as the Big Moments -
Carry On My Friends :)

 Love Melissa