Thought for Week #5 of 2013

It is a new week, another Monday......  5 weeks into the new year.  February 4, 2013 - Only 42 days until Spring.  Yahooo :)  Saturday was Groundhog's Day. Polk County Paula in Des Moines stated.... NO SHADOW - Expect an Early Spring!  And so did Punxsutawney Phil - So it must be correct right?  Who puts their trust in a groundhog? Either way,  I am ready for spring and to enjoy the outdoors again.  I can't wait to start our daily walks again, and to see new growth all around us.  The great thing about February - only 28 days!  Not that I should be wishing my days away - I'm not, I am just ready for some warm sun.  I have to remind myself that Life is a Journey - We need to remember to live each day as though it is our last.  Enjoy the small moments as much as the big moments.  Say "I love you" - and be the friend you want others to be for you.  Even when life is tough, and you wonder why?  It is important to carry on living life.  We are only blessed with one.  So Hello February - Hello Life... Let me enjoy each moment, each day, and each month as we Carry On in Life... Making Moments and Making Memories.... "This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

LOVE - Today Brennon and I went to Des Moines -  I love it when he takes the day off to spend it with me at doctor's appointments.  He has come to realize that when he is there, my anxiety is lower, resulting in my blood pressure being lower.  Just sitting in the waiting room, he calms me.  We had a great day -  enjoyed lunch at Famous Dave's and he surprised me with charms from Pandora.  My bracelet is so beautiful, and I love that the charms represent part of my life.  Overall - it was a wonderful day.  I enjoyed the little moments that we shared.

Do you know what else I cherish? Saturday mornings... I love Saturday mornings.  Most people I talk to utilize Saturdays to sleep in.  Not me.  I find the earlier I wake up - the more productive I am.  I find that Saturday mornings, before Brennon wakes up, is my time.  I am able to talk to God, talk to Carter, and find my peace for the end of the week.  To reflect on my feelings, my actions, and my responsibilities.  Many times it is Saturday morning, where I find my thought for the next week, and ideas for my blog. Just me and the fat cat, lounging on the chaise lounge, a cup of coffee, and most times a box of kleenex.

FAMILY -  I received a package today from my Aunt Sherry - And I love it.  She has sent me a card, which meant a lot to me, but I wasn't expecting the package with this cute little sign in it.  I just need to say thank you.  I appreciate the hand written letter, in  a time that we rely so much on email and Facebook.  One of the reasons that I blog, is because of the healing power writing has for me, but also so family and friends that don't have facebook can keep up with my continued journey with life.  Sherry is a blog follower, and I always like to know what she thinks about what I post.  So, thanks Sherry - next step - we will get you Facebook!

FRIENDS - I am the Red Power Ranger - well Brennon is - but I tend to be the one thinking of the right thing to say  and search the internet for the right thing to text, while being my alter ego.  You are probably reading this right now thinking that I have lost my mind.  Well, my friend and neighbor Evan, really likes the red power ranger, and has been having a rough few days at school.  So, he believes that the Red Ranger sends him text messages, reminding him to be good.  Maybe, because Brennon's phone number has been replaced as Red Ranger in his mom's phone.  GO GO POWER RANGERS....

Jill's Shredded Beef -
Makes My Mouth Water :)

I had my hair cut and colored on Friday - a nice dark color.  Summer and I headed to Clearfield for a little color and wax!  It was nice to relax after a stressful week at work.  And it is always nice for a little change.... Thanks Angie! We completed the evening by going out to eat with Summer and Larry.  The Windrow was busy, but I sure enjoyed the Big Juanita...

Saturday, we went to the Elks and saw our friends Dave and Jill Neeley.  We haven't seen them for awhile, and I was blessed to be able to visit for a while and eat her delicious cooking.  That was the best shredded beef sandwich I have ever had! I wonder if she would allow me to blog her recipe?

Sunday was the Super Bowl - When I was younger, I always liked Joe Montana, so I had to root for the 49's  - I think it is pretty good logic.  As I sat down to watch the game, I was excited and hopeful for a good game. The first half of the game was slow, the commercials weren't as great as last year, and I wasn't even excited for the Half-Time Show - The most excitement was when half the stadium lights went out. The game did pick up from there.  I am glad that the 49's showed up in the 2nd half -  It amazes me that we pay these players more for one game, then we pay our Service Men and Women that defend our country and risk their lives for our freedom.  It really just makes the game less desirable. I was so bored with the game, I crocheted my beer a koozie. (Who would have ever thought that I would crochet - seriously :) Crocheting was just another one of those things I taught myself how to do, to keep busy during the last few months.  This beer koozie is the third thing I have ever crocheted.  I am pretty proud of it.  Anyway - this game made me realize why I don't enjoy pro-football - Give me a game of college football any day.  I am much more competitive and excited when the Hawkeyes are playing.  GO IOWA :)

FAITH -  I had a rough week last week.  I felt sadness.  I felt defeated.  Even though, I wanted to trust in God, I continued to question my life and decisions in my life that were out of my control. I wanted to rush things in my time, and when it didn't happen.. I was angry.  I had prayed and prayed for God to answer one simple prayer this past week, and He did not. It reminded me that I have had to endure  a lot of unanswered prayers.  First, many years of praying to get pregnant went unanswered, then when I got pregnant,  my prayer for Carter to survive went unanswered.  My prayer last week that I thought was equally important, again went unanswered.  This resulted in overwhelming feelings of sadness and anger this week.  I felt loss again, and it brought back all of those overwhelming feelings of grief that I had experienced last August and the days to follow.  Remembering these intense feelings, I still remember giving birth to Carter as though it was yesterday, and what should have been the happiest day of our lives, was replaced with pain and sorrow.  I gave birth -  I went to the funeral home.  Isn't that what you do when you give birth? NO, you are supposed to give birth, and take your child home.  Carter never got to come home with us.  I remember wanting to be near him, and not wanting to leave the funeral home.  I was thankful for our funeral home, that allowed me to take over, to help with every ounce of planning my child's memorial service and his only birthday party on Earth... I questioned when the right time to have his memorial service.  Should I do it that week, or the following week, when family had planned to come home for Labor Day Weekend - I remember thinking... The right time?  There is not a right time to say goodbye to my child, I just said hello.  I remember wanting to just curl up with him in the rocking chair.  I wanted to be near him.  Not only his spirit but my baby's body, the baby I gave birth to.  Some people may think this odd, but not me.  I had just said hello on Tuesday.  That meant I had 2 days, to be near my baby.    I am so thankful that I can still feel Carter close to me.  I can feel the love in my heart.  How I wish I could cuddle with my little boy today.  I would kiss him to sleep, cherish his cries, and cuddle him forever.  Please God, tell my Carter how much Daddy and I love him.  How much we miss him.  Please tell him about his us, and how much we love being his parents.  I am thankful You allowed me to carry such a precious baby boy.

I hadn't listened to this song for awhile, but found it again on YouTube this past weekend.  It is one of my favorites.  Todd and Angie Smith lost a child in 2008.  Todd is the lead singer for Selah.  His wife, Angie wrote a book.  I have bought it for my nook,  but have not read it yet, scared of the emotions, and feelings that I will feel while reading it.  I Will Carry You - The Sacred Dance of Joy and Grief by Angie Smith.  It is such a beautiful song, I am sure it is a beautiful book.  I shared it below.

Thinking back to those painful moments, I still question today... Why did God choose this journey for me?  I almost feel guilty for writing above that I was angry regarding my unanswered prayers.  God knows my needs and wants more then I do  - I do not want to be ungrateful. I am thankful for my life.  I just question why, over and over, I question why? I know that Carter has been the reason for my renewed faith.  Because of Carter, I want to know God better.  Carter reminded me to surrender my life to God.  Not to just say I believe with my words, but to truly believe by my actions, living my life according to His will.  I also hope I am able to help others, by sharing his story. And again, as I write, I am reminded that faith in God - means faith in His timing.  Maybe my prayers were unanswered because it wasn't time yet.  It really sucks, living without Carter, but this makes me believe that there is a reason for every unanswered prayer.  If Carter had died as an early miscarriage, I would not have been able to hold him, or know if he was a boy or girl, I also wouldn't have known I had an incompetent cervix.  This means, that I could have gotten pregnant again, and possibly have to say goodbye to a second child, because of the incompetent cervix.  Now, if I get pregnant again, I know what to do to ensure that my baby is safe.  Carter saved his future siblings!  I always said we would only have one child.  Now, because of Carter, we pray that God will bless us with another child.  We have so much love to give, we would then have 2 children to make our family complete or maybe 3.  We will no longer decide how many children we will have, but we will let God decide how many children He will bless us with. I was blessed with Dr Lehmen, and will have great care in any future pregnancies.  Because of Carter, I understand love of an unborn child, of knowing what a child feels like inside of me.  I can share Carter with others, my love for him, and our story, so that others understand how to support someone who has  lost a child.  I can grieve with other mothers who have lost their baby, and help them to honor them every day.  To assist others with realizing that our child is not lost or forgotten.  That it is okay to speak his name.  For you see, I grieve for him even in silence.  Speaking his name, is not going to hurt me more, it will actually help me heal.  A reminder that he is still a part of my life.  Ignoring him, does not make him less real. None of these reasons make living without Carter easier.  I still wish he was here with us.   If only there was FaceTime in Heaven.  I will continue to trust in God and His timing, and thank God for even the unanswered prayers.  God does know what is best for me and what is best for my family.   God has a reason for not answering my prayers.  So, instead of thinking about all the things I didn't receive after praying, I will remember all the blessings I received with out asking.  I will continue to trust in God, and when I find that I am rushing my life, I will remember...

"Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord." Psalm 27:14

The funny thing is - I was so worried about my unanswered prayer last week, it caused me a lot of anxiety, sadness, frustration and anger.   Today,  I came home from Des Moines, and that very prayer was answered.  See, just another reminder, that nothing in God's world is a mistake - I just had to trust in God's timing. Thank you God - for reminding me that You hear my prayers, and answer when it is the right time..

Following my emotional week, this past Saturday morning, Brennon and I were watching some music videos and came across "Carry On" by Fun.  As I listened to the lyrics... I remember feeling lost and alone, where getting out of bed and putting my feet on the ground, took all of my energy.  Brennon looked at me and said - there is your thought for next week.    Here are a few of the lyrics -

Cause We Are
We Are Shining Stars

We Are Invincible

We Are Who We Are

On Our Darkest Day

When We're Miles Away

So We'll Come

We Will Find Our Way Home

If You're Lost and Alone

Or You're Sinking Like a Stone

Carry On

May Your Past be the Sound

Of Your Feet On the Ground

Carry On

Carry On, Carry On

I never really thought about this before.  The thought of carrying on... and how important it is.  I have had a significant loss, a loss that I never thought that I would be able to recover from.  I remember my darkest days, and the intense pain that I felt.  Without even realizing it, I carried on - I did what I needed to do to continue with my life. It is not something you think about, it is something that you do. I returned to work, even though I didn't want to, I went to family dinners, even though all I wanted to do was stay at home.  I went out to dinner, even though there were people that stared at us, or even made comments, loud enough for us to hear.  NOTHING CURES THE PAIN - but I have found things that have helped.  Patience... Patience with my grief. Understanding that I can not rush my grief. I have to allow it to take place, to ride the waves, instead of drowning in them.  Keep Moving - Even if they are tiny steps.   Starting a Journal, writing down my feelings. I have started blogging - which is a huge sense of healing for me.  I have turned towards the people I love for support instead of away from them.  Compassion has helped... Talking to and listening to other parents who have lost a child,  has really made a difference.  Thank you Beth for allowing me to reference your words in my blog, and to everyone my life that has been there for me when I needed to cry, to scream and for countless words of compassion, reminding me that the pain will not be intense forever.  If you are lost and alone, we can experience this journey together.  I will help you carry on.

This brings me to the thought of the week..... May your past be the sound of your feet on the ground - Carry On!  "You can do anything you want - if you want it badly enough.  You can be anything you want to be, do anything you set out to accomplish if you hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."  Abraham Lincoln

Enjoy the Small Moments in Life as Much as the Big Moments -
Carry On My Friends :)

 Love Melissa