Thought for Week #7 of 2013

Lucky Week #7... It is time to roll the dice.

"Whatever you do - hold on to hope!  What a wonderful thought.  That even in our darkest moment, we can have faith, that this is not the end of our story, and that change will bring us to a new beginning.  I love that.  Especially when there are days in our lives, where we feel overwhelmed, full of anxiety, or sad.  Hope is a wonderful thing.  One of may favorite scriptures is Romans 5:3. I know that I have shared it before, but it really fits into my thought for the week.  "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:3-5  - HOPE - Without hope, we would not be able to see an end to our grief.

On that note, have you ever realized that people thrive on other people's emotions. Usually the emotions of anger, hurt and sadness.   I truly believe,  humans are curious about other people's struggles and grief.  I noticed as I write my weekly blog that I am close to 2000 views, broke down over 7 weeks.  What I have noticed that on weeks where I comment about being defeated, overwelmed and full of grief, I have a lot of blog activity.  On the weeks, that I talk about having a good week, my blog numbers are half.  Does this upset me?  No, of course not, I write for my own healing, but I find it funny.....  when we hear that someone is experiencing illness, divorce or death, we are drawn to it. We want to know their heart ache... Does that make sense?  I find that I can't put the words what I am trying to say... but I am going to put this to the test.  Are you reading this, because I posted on Facebook, that I am angry, overwhelmed and done with it, or are you one of my weekly blog readers?

Just so you know, I did have a few sad days this week, but I am not overwhelmed, defeated and full of grief.  I am actually full of hope.  I continue to believe that we are placed on this Earth, to ultimately do good.  And, I want to do good.  I do find that many times, when I have difficult moments, it is usually feelings of hurt.. hurt that someone took advantage of me, didn't validate my feelings, or  didn't make what I found important a priority.  Not because, they meant to hurt my feelings, but because they were busy living there own life, experiencing there own joys and struggles.  Someone once said, "Sometimes we expect more out of others, because we would be willing to do that much for them."  That really gives me something to think about.  Are we willing to do more?  Or, as  Albert F. Schlieder said, "We tend to judge others by their behavior and ourselves by our intentions."   I do believe that we all have some of the best intentions.  If we are going to judge by behavior, we have to be willing to judge ourselves by the same, instead of always settling for good intentions. Something to really ponder.

Oh well - onto the story of my week....

LOVE - Note to my husband.. We have been married for almost 6 years and together for 8... Presents should ALWAYS be about presentation and anticipation.  What do you want for Valentine's day  is always going to end up with the response - "nothing".  Anticipation of the what if, or the what will I recieve is one of the best feelings. -  Now let me explain Presentation and Anticipation - Imagine the anticipation of going out to eat for a birthday celebration.  Now imagine a large steak, a baked potato, a salad with a warm bun.  Is your mouth watering yet?  (Mine Is)  The anticipation is 1/2 of the fun.  Now imagine that steak was served on the lid of a garbage can.  Pretty sure that is not presentation.  All of a sudden, that steak doesn't seem so appetizing.  My husband, gets so excited about the gift, he forgets to wrap it, and gives it to me 3 days before my birthday.  I shouldn't complain - but that is not anticipation and presentation.  And he will tell any man he sees, that anticipation and presentation is what every woman wants.  To feel like they were remembered, cherished and important.  But, my wonderful husband forgets every holiday.

So, this year on February 14th,  I really didn't want my husband to buy me anything.  But, he asked at 7 am .... "what do you want for Valentine's Day -  Because I don't know what to give you."  We go through this at every holiday.  That is not anticipation and presentation.  Am I wrong to say, that most women do not want to be asked what to buy for them.  I wouldn't mind if my husband got me a random, silly present on August 13th - just as long as he thought about me enough to buy me a gift... not because it is my birthday, valentines' day or christmas, but because he wanted to.  Now, to those of you that know me... am I that hard to shop for?  Anyway, enough of this rant - I can't be upset, last week, I did get beautiful charms for my pandora bracelet while in Des Moines... and Brennon paid.  I just have to giggle.... don't ask me what I want.  What I am thankful for is the gift he gives me every day, and that is the three words he says often, "I love you."

FAMILY - This past weekend, I made loaded baked potato soup.  It was awesome.  We were able to share our meal with Brennon's parents.  I enjoyed cooking lunch for them and sitting down and talking.   Have I mentioned that I love Sunday Dinners... I guess because I like to eat? The problem is I have a constant battle with food.  The love for cooking and eating, but not wanting to get fat.  If I continue to eat baked potato soup, I will continue to get fat... heavy whipping cream, cheese, bacon.  BUT - who can resist?

FAITH - Do you ever wonder how you are going to make it through one more hour, one more day, one more week?  I feel so tired of feeling sad....I am so tired of feeling like my life is on hold in my grief.  Do you know that I still feel angry that there are people in my life that pretend that Carter didn't exist, or maybe that he did exist, but they don't talk about him.  I still sit here on the couch and I look at Carter's picture and I still cry.  I wish I could hold him like I can hold the picture, and then I feel thankful that I have a picture to hold.  I am angry that my life feels so empty without my sweet boy.  Did you know that we were anxiously waiting to find out if Carter was a boy or a girl so that we could decorate the nursery?  Did you know that we had moved our laudry room to the basement in preperation for our child's new room... painted the room, and bought gender nuetral clothes?  Did you know that I have 5 boxes of diapers in my baby's closet?  Did you realize that I have a stack of book's waiting to be read, a crib and rocking chair picked out?  Did you know that I was checked into labor and delivery, that I had dreams of walking out of the hospital with my baby in my arms?  Do you know that I walked out of the hospital with a heart shaped box, filled with a the clothes my baby was dressed in, a few picture and his footprints?  My baby was alive.  He was born.... it will be six months on Thursday since he was born, and I still grieve.  My heart breaks, my arms long to hold him, and I can not forget that I gave birth, to a beautiful baby boy.

Somedays, I feel like I have nothing left but my faith. I remember the days following Carter's birth, when I stated many times... I wish I could stay home and pray all day long.  If I am praying, I am at peace.  I have strength.  Even in my most defeated moments, I felt the love of God inside me.  Even though, I have had a hard time trusting in God's plan, I know that there are good things to come to our family.   I have to believe that there is a purpose, that everything happens for a reason.  I tell myself that a lot, but I sometimes get tired of hearing it and tired of saying it.  Knowing that there is a purpose does not mean it makes my grief easier.  But, now I find that I have hope.... maybe even more hope then I have fear.  I pray for the other mothers and fathers who have lost their baby or babies....  I pray for their peace, for strength to manage another moment, another day, another week.  Because of my journey with Carter, I have been blessed to meet another mom, who said goodbye to her baby girl at 20 weeks.  As we message back and forth, I can feel her grief, and it reminds me of my own raw emotions 6 months ago, and it reminded me that there are days, like this past Saturday, that I can still feel those intense, overwhelming feelings... and that it is okay.  I need to feel those feelings -  It is part of the healing process.  I am so thankful.  I pray that now that we are connected - that our precious children are together in Heaven, laughing, playing and talking about how they have the very best moms.  

My message from God this week, reminded me that "even the desert has beauty."  I never thought about it that way, but the message, went on to say, "good times and bad times are a part of living.  It is difficult to appreciate joy until you have tasted sadness.  Laughter is sweeter if you have experienced tears.  There may be times when you feel like you're stuck in a dry and desolate place, but an encouraging call or hug from a friend my be an oasis; beauty in the desert.  Though it may not be easy, to try to remember that the trials are going to help you fully experience joy on the horizon."

This brings me to my thought for the week....love and grief is a journey.  Without love, there would be no grief.  Good days follow the bad, hope replaces the fear, and laughter can follow the tears.  With grief - comes hope.  Samuel Smiles said, "Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts the shadow of our burdens behind us."  Remember that our time on Earth, is said to be like a blink of an eye in Heaven.  Tell your friends and family that you love and care about them.... as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.  Be there for one another.   Believe in the life you are living, and never loose hope.

Have a great week!  Melissa