Thought for Week #12 of 2013

This week went by fast!  I can't believe that we are another Monday already!  This is the last Monday of March, and with that being said - I am up extremely early this morning.  If I am grumpy today, it is because I was awake before 5 am.  Since the house is quiet, and the coffee is strong, now would be a great time to put away Candy Crush Saga and work on my blog - "Ok Monday - Let's do this."

I had another productive week last week.  And when I mean productive, I mean I am pretty sure I beat 10 levels in Candy Crush this last week.  How can a dumb game irritate me so much.. and how hard is it to crush those stupid candies.  Right now I am stuck on level 88 and it is driving me batty. This is why Spring needs to make an appearance soon.  I need to be active and enjoying the nice weather -  not sitting on the couch so much playing a game.  At least I haven't been dreaming about crushing candy at night.  If that happens - I am done.

Speaking of Spring - I need some more vitamin D.  One of my doctor's told me that I should be taking 2000 mcg of Vitamin D in the winter and 600 mcg in the Summer.  That's all great and all but nothing compares to the sun.  This weekend I had a huge urge to go to the tanning bed and then straight to the YMCA.  Now, I know that tanning isn't great and I probably shouldn't do it, but I need something to get me out of this funk and to kick those winter time blues to the curb.  First stop - tanning bed... Second stop - exercise machine - I will see you this week at the Y :)  Maybe.

On a random thought the Budweiser Clysdale commerical gets me every time.  The love between owner and horse, the disappointment when the owner goes to leave....and then the horse runs to him. My heart feels full of love and seriously I feel all mushy - for goodness sake it is a beer commercial.  Beer commercials shouldn't make you feel mushy inside. I love it.  One of my favorites!  

Speaking of  LOVE -  Brennon and I spent quite a bit of time together this weekend.  We both decided that it would be great to sit on the couch, relax and just veg out.  Well, that started out great, until about 9:30 am on Saturday, when I decided I couldn't sit still any longer.  Once the dishes were in the dishwasher and the floors swept, I was searching for something to do.  My mind kept wondering to the pallet in the basement.  What could I do with it?  Brennon was pumped to carry the pallet upstairs to the dining room so I could inspect it and then down the stairs again to remove the pallet boards so I could make a sign for the living room - or at least attempt to make a sign for the living room.  Well, a little brown paint, painter's tape and a pallet, allowed me to make a rustic sign for my living room.  Upon hanging it on the wall, I realized I really didn't like the color of the wall - It just needed to be darker.  So to the basment I went to find the paint we had used.  We brought it upstairs and I started painting only to realize that the new can of paint didn't match the old can of paint.  Well - isn't that wonderful?  Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice... So some of the wall was painted and some was not .... STORY OF MY LIFE!  Well - let me tell you, the painting stopped - and I vegged on the couch with some Pinterest and Baseball Spring Training - Maybe the Cubs will have a winning season?  We watched some baseball and watched it snow outside - REALLY....more snow?  Brennon and I had a great weekend together.  And we did get the wall painted on Sunday - It was a GOOD Weekend!

FRIENDS - I think I spent most of this past week on the internet searching for the best hotel for the best price.  I even thought I was making the deal of the life time on the phone with Embassy Suites - only to realize that I was actually booked at the Hampton.  Now, I have to decide if Happy Hour is worth the extra $100.  I am super pumped we are booking our summer getaway with Larry and Summer and my pal Evan.  Also, excited that we will be heading to Chicago to see the mummies and dance with the dinosaurs!  I can't wait to meet Sue!  And to visit the big ships at the Navy Pier.  I am so excited - Evan's birthday can't come quick enough!

FAMILY -  Happy Birthday Samuel!  I am not sure where the time goes, but you turned 13 years old on Friday.  I remember cuddeling with you when you born, and kidding with Emalie that her little brother was goofy looking - You have grown up to be a very handsome young man and Brennon and I love you very much!!  I am still not sure who gets sick on their birthday and can't enjoy home made ice cream with me.  But - Brennon did get you the best birthday present.  To bad I ate the entire 5 lb bag since you were sick..... the entire 5 lb bag of gummy bears :)  HA HA 

FAITH -  God didn't bring me this far, to leave me here. My dreams are important and every day is a new beginning.  Joyce Meyers said on Facebook this weekend, "There is timing in for all things in our lives - and there is safety in being in God's perfect timing."

This past week, I continued to struggle with patience.  I want things to happen in my time, and God continues to remind me that all things happen in His perfect timing.  I found myself questioning things in my life, that honestly are out of my control, and again I have to let go.  As I write my blog weekly, I am sensing a theme here.  I recognize it, so why is so hard to relinquish control?  I have to remind myself that there is always going to be doubt.  It is when doubt enters my mind that I have to remember that God knows and is working with me.  I have to replace the doubt with faith.

I am here and I am ready for my dreams to come true.  A part of living is dreaming, and a part of dreaming is praying that your dreams come true.  I know my heart's desires.  I believe that this is my time.  I have to keep the fath, and every time something bad happens, I have to remember that it is not my time yet, to remember hope and patience and to allow God to guide my footsteps the way I should go.  Never let your fear decide your fate.  Even though, it happens in God's time, doesn't mean that I don't have a responsibility to do my part.   To announce my dreams and to work towards them.

Brennon and I were watching "The Bible" last night on the History Channel.  Afterwards, Brennon and I were just cuddling and talking,  we both decided that we wouldn't be where we were without faith.  As we had watched Jesus see his destiny, and to beg to God to spare him.  He said, "If it is Your Will - Then it is also mine."    The power in those words.  I cry as I write them.  I immediately thought back to being in the hospital room in August - begging and pleading with God for my child to make it.  I remember my water breaking and knowing this was it.  I remember praying to God that I didn't want my child to suffer and if this was His will - to  please not let my child suffer.  It is now I see, God gave His son - so that mine could be with Him.   I may not understand, I may not like that my child is not here, but that one moment taught me so much.  It not only changed me, but it changed my life, my outlook on life, and my priorities in life.  I am no longer so consumed with the little things in life that don't matter.  Yes - it is snowing in March - yes, an annoyance, but not something to get worked up about.  Yes, money can be tight, and I might have to transfer money from my savings account - again instead of being worried - I need to be thankful that I have a savings account.  I look at the world around us, and for a moment thought,  if we would stop getting so worked up about the little things, and just go with the flow, we would have more time for the big things in life and realize that we have everything we need.

I am strong and I am loved.  I can help others because of my journey and I will be blessed.  God didn't bring me this far to leave me, and I know that if I continue to trust in Him, relinquish my control, continue to ask for forgiveness and thank God for everything and believe in His word - I will hold my child again someday.  What a precious thought.  Not today - but someday.  I have so much to be thankful for and Carter, your short and precious life has taught Daddy and Mommy many, many things.  And our goal had been to teach you... Well done son!

My Thought for the Week - is simple.... "Your encouragement may be the only good thing someone receives this week."  No one is placed in our lives by accident.  So the next time you are burdened with an inconvenience, an annoyance, place it on your heart to give instead of receive - Encourage those around you and be reminded that you are a blessing to someone.  Good words for me to remember this week....

Enjoy your last week of March!  And may peace, love and happiness surround you. - Melissa

Bacon Jalapeño Popper Quiche

This is one of my new favorite recipes - If you like Jalapeño Poppers and Enjoy a great Quiche - This recipe is a must try.  

1 Pie Crust (Pillsbury Pie Crusts Work Best)

4 Fresh Jalapeños - 3 Diced & Deseeded, 1 Sliced

1 Package of Cream Cheese, softened

1 Pound of Bacon - More or Less to Taste - 

1 Bag of Shredded Cheese (I used Colby Jack)

8 Eggs

1/2 Cup Milk

1/2 Cup Real Butter
Paprika

DIRECTIONS - 

1.  Cook 1 pound of Bacon.  I baked my bacon in the oven at 350 degrees for 30 minutes or until desired crispyness.  I patted away extra grease and set aside.

This is 7 slices of bacon - Next time we will use more!

2.  Allow pie crust to warm to room temperature.  Soften Cream Cheese.  Unroll pie crust and place crust in pie pan.  Spread Cream Cheese on crust.  Slice 1 Jalapeño and set aside for later - Dice remaining 3 Jalapeños (removing most of the seeds)  and sprinkle on top of cream cheese.  Sprinkle shredded cheese lightly on top.  Sprinkle with coarse black pepper.

3.  Layer bacon over the cream cheese and diced jalapeños.  When making it again, I will double the layer of bacon.  Can you ever have to much bacon?

4.  Melt butter in microwave. Add milk and eggs and whisk well! 

5.   Pour Egg Mixture over the bacon.  Sprinkle with Paprika - 

6.  Top with Shredded Cheese and put sliced jalapeños on top.  Bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes, lower the temperature to 350 degrees for 30 minutes - 35 minutes until eggs are cooked completely.

7.  The finished quiche - Warm from the oven.  Serve with Salsa or Sour Cream - Serves 4-6 people

I love this recipe -  I can't believe I am sharing ...... I hope you enjoy it as much as we did!  Melissa

Pretty Pumped for Homemade Ice Cream!

Evan is my Homemade Ice Cream Helper!

Homemade Vanilla Ice Cream - YES PLEASE!  We made this last night and it was wonderful.  A huge thank you to my Aunt Sandra who mixed and matched recipes to make this perfect ice cream!  Now that I have it perfected, it is time to experiment with flavors - BRING ON SUMMER WEATHER!

Items Needed:

- Ice Cream Maker

- Bag of Ice

- Ice Cream Salt (In the Culligan Man's Home - Rock Salt :)

Ingredients For Vanilla Ice Cream:

 - 6 Eggs

 - 2 tsp Vanilla (I love Mexican Vanilla...brought home from Puerto Vallarta)

 - 3 cups Sugar

 - 2 cups Heavy Whipping Cream

 - 1 quart of Half and Half

 - Whole Milk 

In a large bowl, whisk 6 eggs.  Add 2 tsp vanilla - more or less to taste.  Mix in 3 cups of sugar and blend well.  Add in 2 cups of heavy whipping cream, and 4 cups of half and half.  Whisk together.....

Pour into Ice Cream Freezer.  Add mixer/blade (what cha ma call it) to freezer and add whole milk to the line.  Make sure there is at least 3 inches at the top so the ice cream has room to expand, otherwise it will not freeze well.  Surround with ice and salt and turn your ice cream machine on! Attach the motor, plug in and wait... for creamy, yummy vanilla ice cream!

Thought for Week #11 of 2013 :)

What to talk about this week?  Yesterday was the 11th Monday of 2013.  I know, I know - I am slipping.  Today is Tuesday!  I almost thought that I would skip a week because  I really didn't have much to ramble about, but don't worry, even though I missed my Monday deadline, I still got it done.  Yesterday was just so busy!

I am sharing a picture of my cat this week.  I have decided that I very well could become a crazy cat lady except I dislike cats.  My cat is CrAzY - and I am pretty sure I made her that way.  I continue to teach her tricks just so I can tell people that I have a crazy cat.  (opps - not sure I meant to share that.)  So far, I have taught her how to fetch, and how to beg for treats.  If I tell her to "lay down" she does.  But, I am beginning to believe that my cat thinks she is a dog.  This amazes me because she hates dogs, and pretty much she dislikes all people that own dogs. She will hiss, attack and hide any time a dog visits our home.  I am pretty positive that she was not  near a dog during her first few weeks of life. So not sure where she picked up the mannerisms of a dog.  Anyway, back to my story.  My cat growls at the mailman.  One of these days, I will come home to the screen busted out of the living room windows.  You should see the way she pounces at the mailman from the back of the chair.  I have had to replace the roman blinds many times!  Today, she was watching shadows perched on the rocking chair.  So steady, she rocked back and forth.  My question being, how in the world can that 18 pound fat cat be so balanced.  I have put her on a diet but I just don't believe it is working....It just makes her grumpy.  (Just like me - diets make me grumpy too!) Oh the joys of owning a cat... Now, to blog about my last week.

This week was consumed with the GREAT Bathroom Disaster of 2013.  Oh if only the walls could talk, they would be laughing at the shenanigans that have happened at the Zellmer household this past week.  Each night after work, I have watched my husband go into the bathroom and try to make the drywall perfect, the texture perfect and the tile perfect.  It is time to win the lottery, because I can't afford another home project with my husband that involves dry wall.  We have to win so I won't feel the need to be cheap, and can hire the work done.  I have promised Brennon that the next home project that we need to do, will be hired done.  I love my husband to much for the amount of emotion it causes Brennon and I.  But the bathroom is done!  Besides a few finishing touches,  it is done.  I would like to take out the window and use ceramic tile to complete the tub area, but that will have to wait until summer.  It is just to cold right now.... and with the holes that popped up every time we took down tile in the bathroom, I am afraid of what is behind the tub.... The entire wall might just fall in?  I am not superstitious - but maybe I should knock on wood!

LOVE - FRIENDS - FAMILY - We are really out of groceries. I believe we have some margarita mix, ketchup and maybe a piece of cheese.   Usually we go grocery shopping on the weekends. There was no need to this weekend, because we didn't eat unless we were eating out.  OPPS! Not good for the weight loss!  Which, I finally stepped on the scale.  I think I gained weight.  Anyway, the Big Juanita, Happy Hour and Friends at the Windrow Friday night.  Hanging out on the couch with Summer, and Casey's Pizza while watching Brennon finish the bathroom on Saturday and then the Windrow again Saturday night with B's mom and dad.   I was reminded again how much we love and appreciate them.  They helped us with the bathroom and are willing to do whatever to help us out.  I was also able to spend time with my family this weekend too.  DOUBLE BLESSED!   This Sunday, my mom had family dinner, and we were able to consume lots of corned beef and cabbage.  It was awesome, although I have to apologize to anyone that had to ride with Brennon in the truck today for work!  Emalie and I made Irish soda bread, and I am quite thankful I didn't make homemade ice cream because I was stuffed.  

FAITH - What happens when my daily message from God is the same one I received weeks ago?  Was this just a mistake?  Or do you think it was a sign, and I just needed reminded again.  Sometimes, I need a good thump on my head to see things that are right in front of me.  This message again makes me think that I should be doing something, but I am not sure what?  My message again reminded me that my talent is God's gift to me - What I do with it is my gift to God.  I just wish I knew what I was to being doing.  Each of us is blessed with many gifts and talents..... Am I supposed to be doing something different, something more?  While I ponder that, I am still holding on tight to my New Year's Resolution... Have you given up on yours?  I continue to pray each day that I continue to trust in God.  And when I become discouraged, I remind myself that I am not in control.  I have to let go and let God.  I will trust in the Lord with all my heart.  Which will be my thought for next week.  When I become overwhelmed, happy, sad, scared, excited or feeling mediocre, I will take a deep breath and trust that I am right where I need to be, every moment of my life has led me to where I am and the road that I am headed on.  Thanks for being a part of my life - Have a great week!  Until next Monday - Melissa

Better Than Sex Cake

Devil's Food Cake Mix  PLUS Ingredients to Make Cake
1 - 14 oz Can Of Carnation Milk
6 T of Caramel - More or Less... I use more :)
1 small jar of Hot Fudge Sundae Topping
1 container of Cool Whip
1 Package of Heath Topping


1.  Bake Cake according to box.  I substituted milk instead of water and added an extra egg, and 1/4 teaspoon of real butter.  My cake tasted like homemade cake!

2.  When it is hot out of the oven, take a fork and poke thousands of holes all over the cake.

3.  Mix together the can of Carnation Milk and Caramel in a small sauce pan on medium heat.  Pour over the cake.  It will soak into the cake (Like Magic)

4.  Heat Hot Fudge in the Microwave.  Once the milk mixture is soaked into the cake, spread hot fudge sauce evenly over the cake.

5.  Cover and Put in Fridge (Overnight would be best.)

6.  Allow Cool Whip to Thaw... Spread the container of Cool Whip like frosting.  Sprinkle  Heath Topping over Cake.

7.  SERVE and Enjoy!

Thought for Week #10 of 2013

I have so much to share this week.  Today - the 10th Monday of 2013 and I am 33 years old....  I remember 10 years ago, thinking about where my life would be at 33 and I would never imagine I would be the person I am today.  Isn't that amazing?  In 2003, I was sure that I would be married to my first husband and have at least 3 children.... HEE HEE.  Not at all where I am today! In the last ten years, I got married, gained 2 awesome brothers, and got divorced.  I never thought I was strong enough to endure the pain of divorce, but shortly after, I  met Brennon. It was then I realized... everything happens for a reason. I knew immediately, he was the  man that I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with.  We got married and I was blessed with another wonderful family and then we were blessed with our sweet Carter.... Brennon and I have been together for  8 years now, and I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world.  Ten years ago, I worked at the YMCA and truly believed that I would work there forever, to make it my career... but opportunities became available and I moved on to Human Services, working with both children and adults.  I changed my friends....  I changed my underwear.  I met some new friends and I  kept some great friends.    I welcomed new members to my family and said goodbye to some cherished loved ones.  There has been many changes in 10 years, and yet it is hard to believe that I am 33 years old...I still feel 23!  I can honestly say that everything happens for a reason.  Every joy, every heartache has brought me to where I am today and the person I am meant to be.

To reflect on the last ten years, it reminds me that you should never take life for granted, to love the life you live, and to live the life you love.  Carter, you remind mommy to start each day like it is my birthday!  Brennon was grumpy yesterday and I said, "don't be grumpy you will ruin my birthday."  He said during a stressful remodel moment, "we will never have good birthdays again because Carter isn't here."  We both had a moment of tears and hugs, and yet, I know that God would not want us to stop living and enjoying life, just because Carter is with Him.  But, we do miss you Carter Baby.... A LOT :)

TODAY - I really did have a great birthday yesterday - but let me share that today, I am extremely exhausted!  I am not sure if it is the weather, the great bathroom floor disaster of 2013 or daylight savings time..  I found myself sitting at my desk today, and fighting the urge to lay my head down on the desk for a little snooze.  I felt like I was in "The Nap" episode of Seinfeld when George set up a nap time retreat under his desk.  (If only my desk was big enough...and if you haven't seen that episode, GOOGLE it!)  I was so pumped that this morning Channel 8 said 40's and 50's at the end of the week.  It can not come soon enough.  I can't wait to walk outside.  I will be so happy, I may even run... Oh wait, scratch that, I am not going to run.  I keep thinking about that Seinfeld episode and I just keep laughing..  WOW, I am just full of rambling thoughts today.

Oh well, here is my last week in review....

LOVE -  True love is when you can remodel an area of your home and not yell at each other.  Let me start out by saying I really didn't mean to break the bathroom - it just happened.  Now, let me also say, that I am a strong believer in "Everything Happens For a Reason" - and truly, if I hadn't broke the bathroom floor we wouldn't have found the need to replace it, which means that it would have gotten worse and we would of had to spend way more money. I just wanted to peek under the linoleum. Truly - I didn't mean for it to happen this weekend.  BUT - maybe there was a reason we were supposed to do it this weekend!

Prior to me breaking the floor, we had talked about buying a new bathroom, complete with a new bathtub, vanity, sink, and all the necessities. After I broke the flooring and found rotten floor boards, I realized the remodel was happening sooner rather then later.  But, then that darn snow word showed up, and we were nervous to take a trip to Des Moines.  SO, I settled for a new floor and toilet.  It's all good... Iowa Methodist can wait another couple of weeks for their payment!  And I really didn't need a birthday present!  Just to add to the story a little - In addition to the new toilet and floor tiles, I did buy a new medicine cabinet, vanity and sink too, along with new ceramic tiles for the shower and mud, texture and paint.  Add that to the 1/2 of beef we purchased this week, the locker fees, and the deep freeze to hold all of this meat.... it was a pretty expensive week!  Really - what was I thinking?  Except that when it is all done, I will have a pretty cool bathroom... and for those of you who have been to my house know that  my bathroom was a much needed update.  (I still kinda blame this on Brennon - he was roaming around the house on Saturday looking for a project... and, well I gave him one :)  There was a few moments where I had to stay out of the way, and Brennon had to walk to the garage and take a deep breath, but we are still happily married.  Today is Day #3 of the bathroom remodel, and I will be happy when I can wash my hands in the bathroom again!

FAMILY -  Have I mentioned that I love my family.  And because my birthday was this weekend, I was able to go out to eat on Friday night to the Windrow, Saturday night to A&G, and honestly if we weren't working on the bathroom, I would have went out to eat on Sunday. (PS - This is exactly why I am chubby!)  What an amazing birthday weekend with family!

I had hoped to have family over for Sunday dinner - I did find a Chicago Style Italian Beef recipe online yesterday and it turned out awesome.  I began with a meat rub of italian seasoning, cayenne pepper, red chili peppers, and paprika.  It makes my mouth water.  I even roasted the onions, red peppers and pepperoncinis in the oven with olive oil and seasonings.  Add a toasted bun and provolone cheese and my taste buds were happy! I was sad that it started to snow and we couldn't have a family dinner.   But I did enjoy my wonderful sandwich, Candy Crush, and the Nascar Race.  Pretty pumped that Matt Kenseth won the race.  It was his birthday yesterday also, and I know that he won just for our birthdays. :)  GO #20... (PS - I never ever thought I would root for the #20 car as it was previously Tony Stewart's number, and I really didn't like Tony Stewart.)  I sure was busy sitting around while Brennon worked on the bathroom.  WOW, here I am with my rambling thoughts again.

FRIENDS -  I have to share - I said last week, that I was letting go of past anger and hurt, and I did.  I feel like a different person.  It was crazy how upset I was and how much better I felt after letting it go.  This past week, was a week with friends.  I continue to be so thankful for Summer and Larry and for the friendship they provide.  It is funny, that we were talking this week, that this experience has changed us and even changed our friendship.  We are closer now because of the moments of weakness I had, and the strength she provided.  I was also pretty pumped to spend my Saturday morning with Evan.  What a sweet little boy.  I just love that kid.  He reminds me of the simple things in life and I truly enjoy playing with him. I also went to dinner with Kelly and Callie on Wednesday night.  It was nice to go out and have a few drinks. Jason and Sadie stopped by yesterday... and Grace and Abby made me the sweetest birthday cards and even brought me cake.  Another reason why it was a great birthday.

WEDDING PLANS WITH THE FUTURE HOGANS -  This week, Carter received mail from his "favorite aunt and uncle" -  Emalie and James.  It seriously brought a smile and a tear at the same time. That Hogan boy and that future Hogan girl - are just to thoughtful!  It was so nice of them to include Carter in their special day.

FAITH -  Today, I pray that God continues to bless us.  I am reminded again, that we take for granted all the things that someone else is praying for. I think about the prayers that Brennon and I say each day, and I think about the people who take those simple prayers for granted.  And yet, I take for granted the home that I live in.  I am worried about my bathroom remodel, and yet there 2.6 billion people in the world who don't have a toilet. Another 100 million people in the world live without shelter.  Those statistics really put in to perspective what I worry about.  How about freedom.  You and I take our freedom for granted, and yet, we have active duty soldiers in a hundred and fifty different countries defending our freedom for us.  I really do think that as the human race, we have become so materialistic that the small blessings that we have day to day are taken for granted.

This brings me to my THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK..... "Believe in yourself, and love the life you live."  My goal for the next week is to enjoy my life.  I believe that I am on this Earth for a reason, and until my time on Earth is done, I want to be a blessing, to treat people right, and to love the life I live.  No more wishing away my days waiting for better days, and to remember the small things that I take for granted, others are praying for.  For I believe in myself, and God believes in me... and I know that He isn't done blessing me yet.  "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28  May I continue to be of assistance to God, assistance to others, and assistance to myself.

"May the Lord Bless You and Protect You." Many blessings to you for the next week.  Love - Melissa

Thought for Week #9 of 2013....

It is just another Manic Monday.  Only 16 more days until spring.  The end of winter is near!

Week #9 - and it is March!  I am so pumped.  I love March.  It has to be my favorite month of the year. And it is definitely NOT because it is my Birthday, St Patrick's Day and the First Day of Spring.  How could it not be my favorite month?  Since I turned 30, I really disliked getting older.  I was pretty happy with blaming all of my goofy and silly decisions on my 20's... and I can't do that anymore!  I feel like I had to grow up and be responsible.... And who wants to do that?   Wait, I am closer to 35 then 30... OHHH - That surely can't be right?!   BUT, truthfully, I really disliked getting older.  Now, growing older doesn't bother me as much.  I try to remind myself that growing older is a gift denied to many.  So, I will enjoy my birthdays and be thankful for another day on Earth to share my CrAzY life with others.

How do you manage another Manic Monday?  I had a pretty crazy week this past week, but I still enjoy my life.  I stepped on the scale this morning.  It stated that I weighed 294 pounds.  Well isn't that great?  Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? I stepped off the scale and stepped on it again.  The same big fat number.  Now, honestly, there is no way I could gain a hundred pounds in a week.  This is insane.  In looking down at the scale, I am not sure what was worse, the thought that I actually weighed 294 pounds or the fact that my fat butt actually broke the scale.  Honestly, the scale was cracked right down the middle. I  am still sticking to the fact that Brennon broke it and he just wants me to think that I did.  Thankfully - that is not my true weight!  Anyway - I haven't ate a girl scout (cookie - darn it, I was typing to fast) all week.  Although, I think it would have tasted pretty great in my homemade ice cream yesterday...  Yes - I ate homemade ice cream.  And I drank wine, and while I am at it, I am pretty sure, I gorged myself on Pizza Hut the night before.  BUT - I didn't have any girl scout cookies.  I don't feel any fatter, so I will just tell myself that I weigh the same as I did last week.  My goal for this week is to buy a new scale!  Oh - I forgot - I did go to the YMCA this morning.  My membership was used... but I kinda forgot to work out. I took Mike some Scentsy bulbs, and well, I felt as though I accomplished something, just by walking in the door!  Way to go Melissa - This may be the reason why I don't feel fatter this week! :)

The High School Gang

LOVE - Brennon and I didn't have much time to spend together this weekend.  Friday night, we went out with friends to the Windrow for happy hour.  (I had the Big Juanita - and I loved it) I had a great time with Travis and Emily and Larry and Summer, and to those who ended up joining us! It is always exciting with Travis around!  Thankfully, I didn't have to have one of those jagger bombs he kept ordering!!   I spent Saturday with my high school friends at Corina's baby shower, and then enjoyed a glass of wine at the Windrow afterwards.  We laughed the entire time. It continues to amaze me that we can go a long time with out talking, but the minute we are back together, we can pick up right where we left off.   I really do love those girls.  Saturday night, I was to lazy to go grocery shopping, so we ordered pizza and lounged on the couch.  Sunday, we spent to much money at the grocery store, and then had family at our house.  I am not sure there was a dull moment all weekend.  I am reminded again how much my husband does to make my life easier.  He helped by cleaning the entire house this weekend, he did all the laundry while I was gone, and he helped cook lunch on Sunday.  What would I ever do without him... and besides all of those things, he truly loves me.  When he says, "I love you", I know that they are from the heart, and not just words that he has spoken.  Thank you again B, for being the one I share my life with.

Emalie Liked The Ice Cream TOO!

FAMILY - I have decided that all of my family activities involve food. I love to cook, and I love to eat. I especially love to cook for large groups.  Not that I don't enjoy cooking for Brennon, but it is nice sometimes to give others a break by cooking.  Sunday, I had a family dinner.  James and Emalie (maybe James more then Emalie) requested Gumbo, so I made a huge pot of Louisiana Gumbo.  And Sandra completed the meal by making homemade ice cream.  I had a great time just visiting with my family and spending the afternoon with them.  I am really thankful that I live so close to my family members.  Next week, I want to do a hot dog bar.  I am thinking about researching different hot dogs.. maybe a Chicago style dog or a New York style dog... See, here I go talking about food again.  This is the reason I can't loose weight.  HINT - HINT SANDRA - If my birthday dinner is at your house, this is what I want... and more homemade ice cream!  :) I love my family.

FRIENDS -  Friends, I have written this section, deleted this section, rewritten this section, and then deleted it again. And, here I am writing it again.  As those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know, I had a BLUNT FRIDAY moment.  You may be asking what is Blunt Friday?  Well, it used to be Blunt Thursday.  A day, that my friend/past co-worker invented, a couple of years ago, so that we could have one day, where we could bluntly tell it like it is.  Well, last week, I had an extra day to bottle things up, and exploded with Blunt Friday.  Now, before I go further, I know that it is very hard to take back a word once it is spoken, and I try very hard to think before I speak.  I try not to be the "mean girl" and that is why I try really hard to put others before myself.  I try to be considerate of other people's feelings and sometimes I expect to much from others, because I would do so much more for them.  Because of that, I truly feel at times as though I am being taken advantage of.  I really don't feel angry these days, I feel more hurt then anything else.  Sometimes, the hurt and frustration becomes overwhelming and I explode.  It just so happened that is what I did on Friday.  I exploded.  I know that Carter's death was not my fault.  As I was reminded, his time on Earth was done.  God has chosen him.    Our children are only lent to us.  When they leave is not our choice.  What I was frustrated about was my friends.  Some, who I had not spoken to since November, some since September, and a few since Carter's funeral.  I truly needed them and they were not there.  I had explained my feelings, and Brennon's feelings many times, and had heard rumors that they didn't consider us friends anymore, because we didn't do things with them like we had done before.  I was so irritated, I exploded, and I said some things... and although the words spoken were my true feelings, maybe I was just a little to blunt.  I just wanted to scream... quit making this about you.  This didn't happen to you.  Your life didn't fall apart, your child didn't die, and your friends didn't leave you.  This isn't about how you feel.  This happened to Brennon and I... and we are doing everything we can to make it through each day.  The fact that you weren't there with us, doesn't make us a bad friend.  We couldn't just go out and watch the Iowa game and drink a few beers like we had done in the past, we couldn't pretend that everything was great and we were happy, when we were not.  You made it about you, what you were feeling, how it affected you.  There were days, that I didn't have the energy to decide what to eat for lunch, let alone have the energy to coordinate a get together with my friends.  So, I let it all come out in the open, every frustration, every hurt and every feeling.  I just wanted my friends to "get it" and they just didn't.  So, I said it very bluntly.... and then I felt guilty.

So, the next step is to begin again.  To forgive and to move forward.  I forgive them, and I think they forgive me.  We will take the next step together.  To embrace each new day, and to be honest about our feelings and our future.  You may be asking... Why are you writing this? Because, I believe that it is not spoken enough.  I believe that there are others that have probably encountered the same situation, maybe not with the loss of a child, but maybe the loss of a spouse, through death or divorce, maybe it is a sibling, or a close friend.  So, I am sharing my experience.... Here are some handy dandy tips.

When a friend doesn't call you or invite you - it doesn't mean that they don't want to see you.  It means that they may need you to make the first step.  Some times, it feels like all I am doing is surviving and I don't have the strength to hold together all of my relationships when I am working so hard on just holding myself together.  Bring a meal, bring a soda, or just bring yourself.  That makes all the difference.  No one wants to feel alone, and sometimes, we are not asking for sympathy, or advice.  We are just asking for support.  Just be there and keep them company! 

It is okay if you don't know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.  I promise you that with the loss of Carter, half the time, I didn't know what to say or to do.  I know that it is uncomfortable, I know that it is difficult, and I know that it is easier to stay away and feel comfortable, then it is to feel awkward and unsure.  But, I promise, as the mother, who lost her baby, all I wanted was someone near me.  When I was talking to someone, or keeping busy, I wasn't alone.  And in the moments of being alone, is when the real emotions surfaced.  Where you question everything, and grieve the loss.  There were many times after Carter died, that I wanted to leave my house, to run away, and to pretend like it wasn't my life.  But it was my life, and I had to face it.  So, if you have a friend or a family member grieving, it is okay to not say anything at all, your presence is enough!

Just a reminder, that sometimes, the anxiety, stress and emotions are very difficult to deal with.  Things that used to be easy, are no longer easy.  Remember, just because you invite some one to do something and they decline, it doesn't mean they don't want to see you.  They may just be uncomfortable with the situation.  Many times after Carter was born, we were invited to parties, to get togethers or to go out to eat.  In that situation, large groups of people made me nervous.  Even in a group of 6-10 people, I would feel overwhelmed and want to go back home to the safety of my own house.  My advice, start small, hang out together in the a comfortable location, prior to just jumping back in to the large crowd.

My last little comment - I have rambled enough... but I just want you to know that it is okay to mention my child's name.  Normally, when Brennon and I go out, or we are just hanging around friends, we don't talk about Carter.  We may mention a memory or we may talk about how it should have been, but we do have other conversations besides just talking about Carter.  But, it is definitely okay to say his name, and to talk about him.  Ignoring that he existed doesn't make it easier for me.  For my child was alive and he was born and he is a part of my life.  I grieve for my child whether we say his name or not.  

So, please don't feel uncomfortable around us, and if you do, that is okay.  Be honest with us and with yourself.  But promise me you won't disappear.  A huge part of grieving is the support that you receive.  I always thought it was funny, when someone brought food after a funeral. I always thought it was so that you wouldn't have to spend time cooking for family when you are so emotionally tired.  I still think that is the reason, but now, I realize that taking food is a way to tell someone you are thinking of them when you don't know what to say. It is just another example of how to support someone. NOW - I do not want you all to show up at my house with a ton of food.  (I am already fat enough.) Just sitting on my couch with me - now that is what I like!

Okay - I have really rambled enough about this.  I just feel the need to share.  Me, whom I thought was always blessed with many friends, would never have imagined that I would have so few during what was definitely the hardest time in my life.   My message from God on Saturday is going to be my thought for the week.  Today, Melissa, we believe that God wants you to know that.... "the truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.  You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."  It continues to state that, "Look around, look closely at the people in your life right now, and ask yourself about each one:  'Are they worth suffering for?'"   Again, I have shared my true feelings - rather bluntly I am told.  So, I don't know where to go from here, but I really do have great friends.  I don't think that they ever meant to hurt me, and quite honestly, I am tired of repeating my feelings regarding how to be a friend.  SO, lets move forward.  Let go of hurt, the anger and the frustrations and take as step towards love kindness and friendship.  I have never closed the door to our friendship... and my door continues to always be open.  So visit whenever you like.  I will not turn you away.

Hey, and by the way, just because I am a different person then I was before, I am still Melissa.  And honestly, my faith in God, has allowed me to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother, and as a friend.  I am doing well.  I have great days, I have good days, and once in awhile I have a bad day... but I absolutely enjoy life.   So, remember, that although, people will hurt you, it is a part of life, and there are always those around you worth suffering for.  Those are the people you want in your life.  Look at the those in your life, and love the ones that treat you right, say goodbye to the ones that don't - and in everything you do - TRUST IN GOD!

Have a very blessed Monday  - Melissa