Thought for Week #9 of 2013....

It is just another Manic Monday.  Only 16 more days until spring.  The end of winter is near!

Week #9 - and it is March!  I am so pumped.  I love March.  It has to be my favorite month of the year. And it is definitely NOT because it is my Birthday, St Patrick's Day and the First Day of Spring.  How could it not be my favorite month?  Since I turned 30, I really disliked getting older.  I was pretty happy with blaming all of my goofy and silly decisions on my 20's... and I can't do that anymore!  I feel like I had to grow up and be responsible.... And who wants to do that?   Wait, I am closer to 35 then 30... OHHH - That surely can't be right?!   BUT, truthfully, I really disliked getting older.  Now, growing older doesn't bother me as much.  I try to remind myself that growing older is a gift denied to many.  So, I will enjoy my birthdays and be thankful for another day on Earth to share my CrAzY life with others.

How do you manage another Manic Monday?  I had a pretty crazy week this past week, but I still enjoy my life.  I stepped on the scale this morning.  It stated that I weighed 294 pounds.  Well isn't that great?  Can you hear the sarcasm in my voice? I stepped off the scale and stepped on it again.  The same big fat number.  Now, honestly, there is no way I could gain a hundred pounds in a week.  This is insane.  In looking down at the scale, I am not sure what was worse, the thought that I actually weighed 294 pounds or the fact that my fat butt actually broke the scale.  Honestly, the scale was cracked right down the middle. I  am still sticking to the fact that Brennon broke it and he just wants me to think that I did.  Thankfully - that is not my true weight!  Anyway - I haven't ate a girl scout (cookie - darn it, I was typing to fast) all week.  Although, I think it would have tasted pretty great in my homemade ice cream yesterday...  Yes - I ate homemade ice cream.  And I drank wine, and while I am at it, I am pretty sure, I gorged myself on Pizza Hut the night before.  BUT - I didn't have any girl scout cookies.  I don't feel any fatter, so I will just tell myself that I weigh the same as I did last week.  My goal for this week is to buy a new scale!  Oh - I forgot - I did go to the YMCA this morning.  My membership was used... but I kinda forgot to work out. I took Mike some Scentsy bulbs, and well, I felt as though I accomplished something, just by walking in the door!  Way to go Melissa - This may be the reason why I don't feel fatter this week! :)

The High School Gang

LOVE - Brennon and I didn't have much time to spend together this weekend.  Friday night, we went out with friends to the Windrow for happy hour.  (I had the Big Juanita - and I loved it) I had a great time with Travis and Emily and Larry and Summer, and to those who ended up joining us! It is always exciting with Travis around!  Thankfully, I didn't have to have one of those jagger bombs he kept ordering!!   I spent Saturday with my high school friends at Corina's baby shower, and then enjoyed a glass of wine at the Windrow afterwards.  We laughed the entire time. It continues to amaze me that we can go a long time with out talking, but the minute we are back together, we can pick up right where we left off.   I really do love those girls.  Saturday night, I was to lazy to go grocery shopping, so we ordered pizza and lounged on the couch.  Sunday, we spent to much money at the grocery store, and then had family at our house.  I am not sure there was a dull moment all weekend.  I am reminded again how much my husband does to make my life easier.  He helped by cleaning the entire house this weekend, he did all the laundry while I was gone, and he helped cook lunch on Sunday.  What would I ever do without him... and besides all of those things, he truly loves me.  When he says, "I love you", I know that they are from the heart, and not just words that he has spoken.  Thank you again B, for being the one I share my life with.

Emalie Liked The Ice Cream TOO!

FAMILY - I have decided that all of my family activities involve food. I love to cook, and I love to eat. I especially love to cook for large groups.  Not that I don't enjoy cooking for Brennon, but it is nice sometimes to give others a break by cooking.  Sunday, I had a family dinner.  James and Emalie (maybe James more then Emalie) requested Gumbo, so I made a huge pot of Louisiana Gumbo.  And Sandra completed the meal by making homemade ice cream.  I had a great time just visiting with my family and spending the afternoon with them.  I am really thankful that I live so close to my family members.  Next week, I want to do a hot dog bar.  I am thinking about researching different hot dogs.. maybe a Chicago style dog or a New York style dog... See, here I go talking about food again.  This is the reason I can't loose weight.  HINT - HINT SANDRA - If my birthday dinner is at your house, this is what I want... and more homemade ice cream!  :) I love my family.

FRIENDS -  Friends, I have written this section, deleted this section, rewritten this section, and then deleted it again. And, here I am writing it again.  As those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know, I had a BLUNT FRIDAY moment.  You may be asking what is Blunt Friday?  Well, it used to be Blunt Thursday.  A day, that my friend/past co-worker invented, a couple of years ago, so that we could have one day, where we could bluntly tell it like it is.  Well, last week, I had an extra day to bottle things up, and exploded with Blunt Friday.  Now, before I go further, I know that it is very hard to take back a word once it is spoken, and I try very hard to think before I speak.  I try not to be the "mean girl" and that is why I try really hard to put others before myself.  I try to be considerate of other people's feelings and sometimes I expect to much from others, because I would do so much more for them.  Because of that, I truly feel at times as though I am being taken advantage of.  I really don't feel angry these days, I feel more hurt then anything else.  Sometimes, the hurt and frustration becomes overwhelming and I explode.  It just so happened that is what I did on Friday.  I exploded.  I know that Carter's death was not my fault.  As I was reminded, his time on Earth was done.  God has chosen him.    Our children are only lent to us.  When they leave is not our choice.  What I was frustrated about was my friends.  Some, who I had not spoken to since November, some since September, and a few since Carter's funeral.  I truly needed them and they were not there.  I had explained my feelings, and Brennon's feelings many times, and had heard rumors that they didn't consider us friends anymore, because we didn't do things with them like we had done before.  I was so irritated, I exploded, and I said some things... and although the words spoken were my true feelings, maybe I was just a little to blunt.  I just wanted to scream... quit making this about you.  This didn't happen to you.  Your life didn't fall apart, your child didn't die, and your friends didn't leave you.  This isn't about how you feel.  This happened to Brennon and I... and we are doing everything we can to make it through each day.  The fact that you weren't there with us, doesn't make us a bad friend.  We couldn't just go out and watch the Iowa game and drink a few beers like we had done in the past, we couldn't pretend that everything was great and we were happy, when we were not.  You made it about you, what you were feeling, how it affected you.  There were days, that I didn't have the energy to decide what to eat for lunch, let alone have the energy to coordinate a get together with my friends.  So, I let it all come out in the open, every frustration, every hurt and every feeling.  I just wanted my friends to "get it" and they just didn't.  So, I said it very bluntly.... and then I felt guilty.

So, the next step is to begin again.  To forgive and to move forward.  I forgive them, and I think they forgive me.  We will take the next step together.  To embrace each new day, and to be honest about our feelings and our future.  You may be asking... Why are you writing this? Because, I believe that it is not spoken enough.  I believe that there are others that have probably encountered the same situation, maybe not with the loss of a child, but maybe the loss of a spouse, through death or divorce, maybe it is a sibling, or a close friend.  So, I am sharing my experience.... Here are some handy dandy tips.

When a friend doesn't call you or invite you - it doesn't mean that they don't want to see you.  It means that they may need you to make the first step.  Some times, it feels like all I am doing is surviving and I don't have the strength to hold together all of my relationships when I am working so hard on just holding myself together.  Bring a meal, bring a soda, or just bring yourself.  That makes all the difference.  No one wants to feel alone, and sometimes, we are not asking for sympathy, or advice.  We are just asking for support.  Just be there and keep them company! 

It is okay if you don't know what to say to someone who has lost a loved one.  I promise you that with the loss of Carter, half the time, I didn't know what to say or to do.  I know that it is uncomfortable, I know that it is difficult, and I know that it is easier to stay away and feel comfortable, then it is to feel awkward and unsure.  But, I promise, as the mother, who lost her baby, all I wanted was someone near me.  When I was talking to someone, or keeping busy, I wasn't alone.  And in the moments of being alone, is when the real emotions surfaced.  Where you question everything, and grieve the loss.  There were many times after Carter died, that I wanted to leave my house, to run away, and to pretend like it wasn't my life.  But it was my life, and I had to face it.  So, if you have a friend or a family member grieving, it is okay to not say anything at all, your presence is enough!

Just a reminder, that sometimes, the anxiety, stress and emotions are very difficult to deal with.  Things that used to be easy, are no longer easy.  Remember, just because you invite some one to do something and they decline, it doesn't mean they don't want to see you.  They may just be uncomfortable with the situation.  Many times after Carter was born, we were invited to parties, to get togethers or to go out to eat.  In that situation, large groups of people made me nervous.  Even in a group of 6-10 people, I would feel overwhelmed and want to go back home to the safety of my own house.  My advice, start small, hang out together in the a comfortable location, prior to just jumping back in to the large crowd.

My last little comment - I have rambled enough... but I just want you to know that it is okay to mention my child's name.  Normally, when Brennon and I go out, or we are just hanging around friends, we don't talk about Carter.  We may mention a memory or we may talk about how it should have been, but we do have other conversations besides just talking about Carter.  But, it is definitely okay to say his name, and to talk about him.  Ignoring that he existed doesn't make it easier for me.  For my child was alive and he was born and he is a part of my life.  I grieve for my child whether we say his name or not.  

So, please don't feel uncomfortable around us, and if you do, that is okay.  Be honest with us and with yourself.  But promise me you won't disappear.  A huge part of grieving is the support that you receive.  I always thought it was funny, when someone brought food after a funeral. I always thought it was so that you wouldn't have to spend time cooking for family when you are so emotionally tired.  I still think that is the reason, but now, I realize that taking food is a way to tell someone you are thinking of them when you don't know what to say. It is just another example of how to support someone. NOW - I do not want you all to show up at my house with a ton of food.  (I am already fat enough.) Just sitting on my couch with me - now that is what I like!

Okay - I have really rambled enough about this.  I just feel the need to share.  Me, whom I thought was always blessed with many friends, would never have imagined that I would have so few during what was definitely the hardest time in my life.   My message from God on Saturday is going to be my thought for the week.  Today, Melissa, we believe that God wants you to know that.... "the truth is, everyone is going to hurt you.  You just got to find the ones worth suffering for."  It continues to state that, "Look around, look closely at the people in your life right now, and ask yourself about each one:  'Are they worth suffering for?'"   Again, I have shared my true feelings - rather bluntly I am told.  So, I don't know where to go from here, but I really do have great friends.  I don't think that they ever meant to hurt me, and quite honestly, I am tired of repeating my feelings regarding how to be a friend.  SO, lets move forward.  Let go of hurt, the anger and the frustrations and take as step towards love kindness and friendship.  I have never closed the door to our friendship... and my door continues to always be open.  So visit whenever you like.  I will not turn you away.

Hey, and by the way, just because I am a different person then I was before, I am still Melissa.  And honestly, my faith in God, has allowed me to grow as a person, as a wife, as a mother, and as a friend.  I am doing well.  I have great days, I have good days, and once in awhile I have a bad day... but I absolutely enjoy life.   So, remember, that although, people will hurt you, it is a part of life, and there are always those around you worth suffering for.  Those are the people you want in your life.  Look at the those in your life, and love the ones that treat you right, say goodbye to the ones that don't - and in everything you do - TRUST IN GOD!

Have a very blessed Monday  - Melissa