World Prematurity Day 2015

Tonight, on World Prematurity Day, we are thankful for the preemies that won the fight against prematurity.  Jase, born at 23 weeks had less then a 15% chance of survival.  When he was born he couldn't cry and depended on life-saving machines to breathe for him.  I cried a lot.  I was scared.  I had every emotion and yet didn't understand half of what I was feeling.

We were told the risk of disabilities, the chance for survival and the unknowns for the future.  As a family, we chose to fight.  I am so thankful that we did.  I know that there are still many unknowns for the future, but tonight, I am thankful for the gift of life that is our little boy.

We also remember the preemies that lost their fight to prematurity.  Whose little bodies and souls wanted to stay, but were tired and couldn't continue to fight.  I am thankful that I am the mother of 3 preemies.  Our hope and prayer is that no parent has to say goodbye due to prematurity and that every child wins.

I am blessed.

Oven Baked Meatball Subs

INGREDIENTS:

6 Sub Rolls (cut with 1 side intact)
24 Golf Ball Size Meatballs - Check out my meatball recipe (or use your favorite recipe, frozen or pre-made meatball).
1 Jar Pasta Sauce
Mozzarella Cheese
Parsley to Garnish

DIRECTIONS:

1. Spray Baking Sheet with Cooking Spray.
2. Preheat Oven to 400 degrees.
3. Place meatballs in large pot, cover with pasta sauce and cook on low-medium heat until cooked thoroughly. Gently turn meatballs in sauce.  
4. IF using my homemade meatball recipe prior to making subs, they are already warm, just put in pan and pour sauce over them. 
5. Place 4 meatballs into pre-cut sub roll.
6. Cover with a little more pasta sauce from your pan.
7. Sprinkle liberally with cheese.
8. Sprinkle with parsley to garnish.
9. Bake 15 minutes or until cheese is melted, hot, and bubbly. (I broil mine on High 2-3 minutes to brown the cheese a little.

Serve with your favorite toppings! 

We love pepper rings, jalopenos, tomatoes or parmesan cheese - plain is GREAT too!

ENJOY!

MEATBALL RECIPE!!

Our family loves meatballs....

So I set out on a mission to make the best meatball.  I think I succeeded! 

MEATBALL RECIPE- Approximately 24 golf ball size meatballs

INGREDIENTS:

1 lb Hamburger - (or 1/2 lb hamburger and 1/2 lb italian sausage)

1 cup of Italian Panko or Bread Crumbs (may need to add a little more to ensure a good consistency)

2 Eggs, beaten with 1/4 cup of Milk

1/2 cup of Shredded Parmesan (or use grated parmesan it you choose)

1 T of minced Garlic

1 small finely diced Onion  (or you could use dried onions)

2 tbsp Parsley

1/2 tsp Thyme

1/2 tsp Oregano

A Double Batch of Meatballs!

1 tsp of Salt and Pepper (more or less to taste)

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat Oven to 350 degrees.
2. Mix ingredients together with hands.
3. Grease baking sheet.  I use a mini muffin tin, as it makes the perfect size meatball without the mess!
4. Form into golf ball size meatballs.
5. Bake for 20 minutes - carefully turning after 10 minutes.  

I usually double the recipe and freeze 24 meatballs to thaw as needed. Perfect for meatball subs, spaghetti and meatballs, or a quick hors d'oeuvres.

Enjoy!

CHICKEN MARSALA

INGREDIENTS:

4 Boneless Chicken Breasts

1 Container of Whole White Mushrooms Sliced (2-3 cups)

4 Scallions Diced (Green Onions)

1 Stick Butter Melted

1/2 Cup of Chicken Broth

1/2 Cup of Marsala Wine  (Marsala Cooking Wine in the Seasoning Aisle is Non-Alcoholic)

1/4 Cup of Flour

1/2 Cup of Shredded Parmesan Cheese

1/2 Cup of Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Garlic, Parsley and Salt and Pepper to Taste

Linguini Noodles 

PLEASE NOTE this recipe is not weight-watcher friendly... but it sure is good!

DIRECTIONS:

1.  Preheat oven to 400 degrees.

2.  In a skillet, melt 4 tablespoons butter with garlic (to taste) on low-medium heat.

3.  Pound out chicken breasts so that they are flat, tender and approximately 1/4 inch thick.

4.  Dredge chicken breast in flour, season with salt and pepper to taste.  (I don't use salt.)

5.  In hot garlic butter - cook chicken 4-5 minutes on each side or until a golden brown.    

Place chicken in a 9X13 casserole dish.

6.  In skillet, add mushrooms and lightly sauté for 3-4 minute.  Add another 3 tbs butter (if needed) to properly sauté. Pour mushrooms over chicken breasts.

7.  Stir chicken broth and marsala wine into the pan drippings and then pour over mushrooms and chicken.  Add scallions.

5. Bake at 400 degrees for 10 minutes.

6.  While baking, boil water and add linguini noodles. Cook per directions on box.

7.  After 10 minutes, remove chicken from oven.  Mix parmesan and mozzarella cheese together and put on top chicken.  Sprinkle with parsley.  Bake for 5-10 more minutes until cheese is melted.

8.  Drain noodles, toss with 1tbs garlic butter.

9 Add a serving of noodles to your plate, top with chicken breast, mushrooms and sauce.

10. Serve and Enjoy!

Be prepared to have a nap after eating this meal... and then run on the treadmill!  This is one of our favorite meals.  I have tried to make it healthier but the real butter gives it a taste I can't duplicate. Jase loved the garlic noodles and the chicken.  He even ate a few mushrooms.  It is also great with mashed potatoes instead of noodles.

ENJOY!

I AM THAT MOM - Part 2

Well, I just noticed it has been awhile since I updated with Jase.

We had an amazing day today.  The weather was beautiful and we were in Des Moines for PT, so we went to the Blank Park Zoo.  It was a perfect day for some sun, some animals and some Mama/Son time.  Jase had a great time today.  He pet the live corn snake, he laughed at the monkeys, he squealed at the sea otters and he tried to touch every child that was his age or younger, flirting and smiling at them.  It was an amazing day.  Jase had a wonderful lunch, he drank out of his new water bottle and straw and he took a much needed nap on the way home.  

As much fun as we had today, I have to admit I am struggling.  Jase is 20 months old - adjusted to 16 months old.  We have been participating in PT since Jase was 35 weeks old.  And sometimes, I just feel like we are spinning the wheel.  We travel every week to PT in Des Moines and Jase cries through PT every single week.  He is doing so many amazing things.  He continues to work on strengthening his core muscles, he is speed crawling everywhere, pulling himself up and cruising around everything, but when it comes to letting go - HE WON'T!  Someone mentioned to me the other day that most babies walk between the 9-14 month time frame.  Now, at 20 months actual / 16 months adjusted, he is to smart for his own good and realizes that if he lets go - he will fall.  He doesn't want to fall so he is stuck doing the skills of holding on to something, begging to be picked up or just dropping to his knees to crawl.  Because of Jase's prematurity, skill wise he is judged based on his adjusted age, and then because of his extreme prematurity it is normal for those skills to take even longer.  I was even told that for every month premature, it will take that long for some babies to catch up to their peers.  Since Jase was 4 months premature, he can't be compared to other toddlers his age until he starts school.  I also need to remind myself that a few years ago, medical technology would not have allowed a 23 week baby to survive out of the womb.  I know all of those things, but I am struggling.  I feel like I am not working with him enough, playing with him enough, pushing him enough.  All of those feelings that the mom of a micro-preemie feels at some point if not all points of her child's development.

I know all of those things so why am I struggling?  I guess it is frustrating.  Everyone sees a normal child.  He doesn't look like a micro-preemie - when playing with other kids he doesn't act like a micro-preemie, but yet when people who don't know our story, or who don't understand our story, looks at him, they wonder why he isn't walking.  And then I explain, Jase is a 23 weeker.  It isn't abnormal for them to walk up until they are 2 years of age actual.  I explain that most babies are born with the core strength, due to doing somersaults, and twisting and turning in the womb.  Jase didn't get that, as he laid in a incubator for all of that time he was supposed to be maturing in Mama's belly.  Then he was working on breathing - because honestly you have to breath to survive and that is more important then the other skills that can come later.

And now I feel like I am justifying.  We have been focusing so hard on eating correctly, drinking from a sippy cup, and most recently giving up the bottle that those other skills have taken a back burner.  And now, I am going crazy because I neglected those skills.  I met another mom at the zoo today and striking up the conversation with the mom left me feeling sad.   (You know, because I feel like I should talk to all strangers.) She saw a child so much taller then her child, a child eating his snack so much better then her child, but when we got out of the stroller to feed the animals,  she saw a child that had to be held instead of walking around the petting zoo.  As she asked me how old he is, and I responded 20 months and then had a 5 minute conversation about should have been birthdays and extreme prematurity - and she looked at me with wide eyes and said "don't worry he will get it," as her 16 month old walked around the stroller.  I smiled and said yep - every child does things differently. And that is when it hit me, how dos she know that he will get it?  Is this the root of all my frustration - a crying PT session and a stranger at the zoo?

I've always been pretty open with my feelings, with my needs and my wants. I guess this mom just needs a few prayers.  Prayers for strength, for understanding and maybe some progress during PT so I don't feel like I am wasting my time driving to Des Moines every Wednesday.   Prayers for Jase that he makes progress, that God gives him healing and strength to let go and walk and that he can continue to meet milestones!  Because you know that next they will be telling me that he isn't talking enough and we will have a speech evaluation on top of everything.  Sometimes I just want to cry.  Sometimes, I just want to know why I couldn't have the full-term healthy babies - 

                         Patience Mama - Patience.

God is always trying to instill patience in me.  Today was no different - Well, tomorrow is a new day, with new emotions, new struggles and new strengths.  Here is to hoping we meet more milestones tomorrow!  Thanks for reading my writing, rambling mess -  Today was a good day.

Until Next Time - MELISSA

I Am That Mom... PART 1

Did you hear the good news?  Jase attended his pulmonologist appointment with Dr Abosaida last Friday -  This mom and dad are super happy! Jase is doing so amazing - not only did we not have a single cold during the winter months - We GRADUATED from the Blank pediatric pulmonary clinic on Friday. No further appointments scheduled unless needed. No more O2 tanks cluttering our closets just in case (because we live so far from the hospital - no more medications and only nebs if needed for allergies .... Oh Happy Day. 

But then, it seems, I spoke to soon - On Saturday, allergies, sinus crud or a virus hit our home.  Last week, Brennon had some severe allergies, so he went to the doctor for an allergy shot.  On Friday, Jase seemed nasally but the pulmonologist had talked about how bad allergies were right now.  Knowing that Jase has a tendency for allergies, we really didn't think much of it.  Then, when he threw up snot in the car seat (YUCK!) coming home from a family dinner, I just knew his allergies were bad.  Then came the nasal congestion.  He didn't sleep well, but played great all day Sunday and even Monday. He wasn't horribly hungry and we didn't push it because we knew that he had sinus drainage down his throat. We did push the fluids to help move the sinus drainage down his throat.  We gave benadryl and it helped greatly. I was upset that Jase didn't feel well, but I wasn't to worried, his lungs sounded good and the congestion seemed to be directly behind his nose.  And then his nose started to run.  I was so thankful the congestion was breaking up and I started giving a few neb treatments to help him breathe.   Little did I know he would develop a cough on Monday night. :( So we went to the doctor on Tuesday. To be honest, I wanted to wait, but when Brennon said, "I think we should go" - I listened.   He coughed all the way to the doctors office in Waukee.  How horrible did I feel when I realized we had air coming in to the car from outside all the way to Des Moines.  The pollen count is at a 10 right now - what was I thinking?  As soon as we were in the pediatrician's office.  All coughing stopped.  He seemed to be breathing well and he was trying to play with the toys.  (HA HA - like I would allow that! Germ City on those toys!)  

We met with the doctor, explained the symptoms... the nasal congestion, the sinus drainage down his throat, the wet cough that sounds like he is trying to puke up snot (sorry for that), the active way he plays, and his eating habits -  although less - were still good, and his lack of sleep.  Then the exam - LUNGS SOUNDED AWESOME.  Let me tell you the relief to hear that.  No Fever!!!  Ears looked great and nose was congested.  Yep, we knew that one!  And oh no - his throat was red.  My first thought was because the sinus drainage was running down this throat.  So now the diagnosis.  Jase was diagnosed with his very first cold virus.  :(  I was so confused.  Wasn't the cold supposed to make a baby clingy, tired and lethargic?  This didn't sound like my kid.  He was chasing the cat, crawling on furniture and getting into everything he wasn't supposed too.  

Whatever this is, I sure don't want it going to his lungs so we are treating it aggressively like a cold.  Lots of fluids, steamy saunas, saline and bulb syringes, vicks and vaporizers, neb treatments and cuddles.  That is when he will let me cuddle because he was constantly on the go.

These are pictures from yesterday - He looks so sick!

I was so sad.  I wanted so badly for my kid to not get sick.  Not yet - Not now - and at least not before he turned two.  Now, I realize that every child gets sick, but not every child is a 23 - weeker.  Not every child has chronic lung disease and receiving synagis to prevent RSV.  Not everyone has to balance their life between what is best for Jase and our family and the fear of getting sick.  My NICU psychosis returned and I felt guilty.  I felt guilty for going to the Olive Garden for lunch Friday afternoon and for going to our family dinner during cold and flu season.  I wondered what other preemie moms would think that I wasn't home bound all season - I worried that we would be hospitalized because of this illness and if doctors or nurses would judge that I hadn't kept my child healthy.  Yes - this is NICU psychosis and it happens long after you leave the NICU.

NICU Psychosis - It is always there, waiting to resurface, waiting to smack me in the face and wrench at my heart.  It has been 14 months since we left the NICU and my psychosis is still there.  I have just learned to manage it better.  I still do the dip and dodge if someone is coughing.  I still remind the stranger in the bathroom to wash their hands.  (Yes, I do that!).  I encourage moms to leave their child rear-facing until they are two - knowing that my child will not be forward facing until he is older, bigger, safer.  BUT -  I let others touch my kids without immediately reaching for the hand sanitizer. I  also allow my child play dates and trips to a restaurant during a non-busy time.  I have to balance my child's life and socialization with the risk of not getting sick.

And I am tired.  Working until 2 am on Friday night and then having Jase not feel good since Saturday has left me exhausted!  Last night was night 5 of no sleep - if I didn't do something quick, I was going to get sick and then I would be no good to my family, my job or myself.  So, after being wrenched awake at midnight because I couldn't hear Jase breathing, I got up.  I gave Jase a treatment and put him quietly on the living room floor.  And, I went searching.  I was out of mind with exhaustion.  I was to tired to think "hmmm, maybe what I am looking for isn't needed".  All I knew was I needed sleep!  I dug under mountains of folded clothes in Jase's closet and I found the machine that monitors Jase's heart rate and oxygen saturation.  Attached was a used pulse sox.  After attempting to attach it to Jase's foot without waking him - I realized it wasn't going to work.  So out to the garage to search the trunk of the car for a new one.  Yep, rational thinking right there.  At this point whatever I needed to keep my sanity with out worry.  I finally found it in the hall closet with the oxygen ready to go back to Unity Point.  I hooked him up,  put vicks on him, and went to my bedroom where I yelled at Brennon to cover his eyes.  I unplugged the cool mist vaporizer and attempted to carry it without spilling to Jase's room.  After rearranging everything, I carried a very sleeping baby to his bedroom and laid him in the crib.  I then excitedly ran to my bedroom, turned on the monitor and laid my head on my pillow.  WOW, I realized that I might actually sleep worry-free for the rest of the night.  And my eyes popped open and I proceeded to lay awake and watch my sleeping child.  Praying that God would heal him during the night - giving him peaceful and healing sleep.  Wide awake thinking to myself that the entire ordeal just lasted until almost 2 hours.    And finally I fell asleep to Jase saturating between 95-100 ....

Until the beeping woke me an hour later.  Because wouldn't you know albuterol makes a child extremely spazzy! As he is thrashing in his crib, I have to go and shut the damn machine off.  He obviously didn't need it.   How is that he can sleep through the dishwasher, the vacuum and the washing machine all going at the same time, but me tip-toeing through his room and he is wide awake.  So to the rocking chair I went.  3 am - SERIOUSLY.  And 30 minutes later, here comes Brennon - my knight and shining armor asking me if I wanted him to take over.  Are you kidding me... music to my ears.  YES!  I crawled under the covers, said a few more prayers and fell asleep.  

Sweet, uninterrupted sleep... until 6 am!  

Today - we continue on - continuing on.  Today, Jase has been fussy and TIRED!  I guess, if you think about it, if Brennon and I aren't sleeping - he really isn't either.  At least not the good quality sleep that he needs.  He has been a milk drinking machine today, then it messes with the congestion and he gags on snot.  I have been doing albuterol less today in hopes that he will get more peaceful sleep and because we know the congestion is in his sinuses not his lungs.  And I pray.  I pray that Jase continues to make improvements, that his sinuses continue to drain and that it does not go deeper to his lungs.  Hoping a little more food, another dose of benadryl and some good sleep will be just what he needs to kick this.

That's when I realize - I AM THAT MOM!  I am the mom who worries. The mom who searches the house high and low for the pulse sox and monitor.  I am the mom who hooks him up to the monitor when everything rational says he doesn't need it.  I am the NICU Mama - the Baby Loss Mama - and the Mama who said she would never be that Mom. Wow, how situations and life events change us!  I was the one who was always okay with my child eating dirt (he has by the way.. and cat food too), that didn't care about the messy house, dust, and shoes in the house.  The mom who laughed at first time moms who worried about every sniffle, every spit up and who didn't let their kid be a kid in fear that they would make a mess or get sick.  I am all of those things - I choose playing with Jase over a house full of dust, I ignore shoes on the carpet every once in awhile, and I will still take Jase places when the benefit outweighs the risk. I will also always worry about a sniffle and if he is getting sick and what kind of cough is that? I analyze the spit up, vomit and poop.  Yep, I AM THAT MOM!  Jase will not be little forever.  Children grow up and I want to make sure that my NICU/Preemie Psychosis that makes me THAT MOM - doesn't affect Jase and his development.  I will raise a child who is strong, who has values and morals, who loves not hates, who sees the best in others, especially when the world around him sees the bad.  We do kisses and I love yous.  We do hugs and messes and everything fun.  Because I AM THAT MOM too.

And I will kick these feelings of guilt to the curb.  Children get sick.  Brennon and I have done everything to ensure that Jase stays well.  Brennon has to go to work and at times I have to go out.  We can wash our hands and take off our shoes in the house. We can dip and dodge when around people who are coughing but ultimately we take a chance that a bug or virus will make it into our home.  Brennon was sick last week and and went to the doctor for an allergy shot - It probably was a cold.  Jase puts everything in his mouth. If he didn't, we would be worried about that.  So I will not worry about tomorrow, but today continue to aggressively treat the symptoms and to pray.  I am just so thankful that we had synagis.  Without it, if this is a virus, we may not be able to manage it at home.  

For now, he is sleeping peacefully, breathing well, and drinking lots of milk to break up the congestion.   Please help me pray for Jase tonight - For health, for sleep, for healing of his cold or allergies (and maybe sleep for mom and dad).     

LOVE, Melissa

PS - While you are praying - if you have time throw in a few prayers for my Aunt Cyndi.  Due to complications from diabetes, from blood clots, and poor circulation, 2015 has not been good for her.    She is back in the hospital at Iowa Methodist.  I am pretty sure this is her 5th trip there since Valentines Day - I think I have lost count?  Please play for healing and love not only for her physical health but also for her mental health as all of the hospital, ER and rehab trips are sure to take its toll.  Thank you and much love to all of our prayer friends!

Faith Over Fear Please!

IT IS NOON!

The baby is asleep.  The last load of laundry is in the washer.  The dishwasher is unloaded and the mountain of toys are picked up.  The only thing left is to clean are the craft items off the dining room table and I am not doing that when there is the chance to wake the precious mess maker.

After seeing this mess, can you believe that the house is clean?

The house is quiet.  I couldn't stand another daytime drama.  So, the television is off.  Brennon brought me a container of oreos for National Eat an Oreo Day and a fountain soda.  So much for me not drinking soda.  So for now, I will sit in a peaceful house with only the deep breathing of a baby, the snores of the cat, the slurping of my soda and the peaceful click of the keys on my computer.



I was watching Jase play this morning and I know that I have said it before, but I must say it again.  I am completely amazed by his strength, his courage and his character.  And amazing to me, that we can see it at such a young age.  I am amazed that as parents, Brennon and I have helped to contribute to the sweet, lovable little boy that he is growing to be.  It makes every decision in my life worth it.  After Carter died, I couldn't imagine getting pregnant again - or having another baby - the fear was overwhelming that we would possibly say goodbye to another child.  And then we were pregnant with twins, and I felt as though God was telling me to "Trust in Him" that he was blessing our home.  When the boys were born at 23 weeks, I was devastated.  I had did my very best to do everything right and once again the control was taken right from my hands.  When Kaleb died, I knew that there was no way I could handle the pain again.  But, you know what - it totally dawned on me that I could.    Jase is a blessing. Having my three boys, makes all the grief and pain worth it.  You wouldn't know grief if you didn't know love.  Every moment of pain and grief has been worth it when I look at Jase and when I think of Carter and Kaleb. The strength and courage that we are teaching Jase is a gift from God.  He didn't just give those traits to Jase, but he allowed Brennon and I to grow as human beings, and as a couple, to utilize those same traits.  I never knew I was that strong, or that I was courageous, or that I could trust that much.  But as I watched Jase fight in the NICU for his life, or as we came home and I watched Jase fight to overcome all odds, I know that we were given this life because we are strong enough to live it.  Not by ourselves, but with the people put in our lives, the strangers that we meet, and God hearing and answering our prayers.

See, I have this love now.  This love for three little boys that I never imagined possible.  Love for my sons, an overwhelming kind of love, a love that forgives, a love that nourishes, a love that hurts when Jase hurts, a love that is not so different then the love that God has for us.  I am so glad that God has a plan for me, for us, for you and for Jase.  See, I was just reminded  that God has had a plan all along.  This has me thinking .... God allows things to happen, but not with out Him knowing.  He has a plan for Jase too.  And as his parents, we are lucky enough to be a part of that plan too.  These last three years of love and grief, and tears and joys - all a part of the journey that has led up to today and tomorrow and next week.  God has taken these last three years and developed us and he will continue to develop us, to shape us into the people he needs us to be.  We live in a dark world, but we can be the light if we allow God in our lives.  Oh Jase, I know that there will be people as you grow that will try to dampen your light or try to put your light out.  Don't be afraid to let your light shine - no matter what is placed in your path.  I am just so thankful that I was allowed to create another warrior in Christ.

What if I had allowed my fear to dictate my choices?  If, I had allowed my fear to be stronger then my faith after Carter was born, I would never have known Kaleb and Jase.  How truly empty my life would be now.  It makes me question, what fear am I holding on to right now? I have goals,  dreams, desires and a path for the future.  A path full of dreams, that I know that God placed in my heart.  Am I allowing my light to be dampened by fear of the future because of the past? Am I following the path that God has chosen for me, or am I on the sideline because of fear.  Is God waiting on me to take a step in the right direction? Just as I nudge Jase to make the right choices, is God nudging me right now.  I have so much to pray about.  I do know that I can't let fear dictate my future.  I absolutely do not want my fear to dictate Jase's future.  He is so little and he is already watching what Daddy and I do, mimicking and following in our footsteps.  My only prayer is that we continue to be the role models that he needs.  So we will continue to pray, and to LISTEN.  Many times, I get so caught up in my prayers that I forget to listen to God's answers.  Maybe that is why I get nudged a little harder at times?

Ummm - Ok, so when I sat down to write, this was not what I had planned.  I had planned to write about something not so serious, something funny.  What happened?  Well, these words came out and I had to write them down.  If nothing more then a reminder to reread them when life seems crazy or fear starts to overcome my future.  I hope that I haven't bored you with my words.  I hope that maybe it has inspired you to let go of some fear in your life.  Is there something holding you back right now from your dreams?  I encourage you to take a deep breath and ask God to remove the fear.  I feel like a load has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe again.  Let my light shine.  Remove people from my life that bring me down. Their negativity has no room in my life.  I will stop allowing others fear to dictate my future. I will stop allowing my fear to dictate my future.  Have Faith, Have Hope and Love Others - be a blessing.

God, forgive me for not remembering Your words.  Forgive me for the hurt that I may have caused others, for the anger that I was holding on to, and for the distrust that I was feeling.  All of those things are harboring fear and it is time to say goodbye to my fear.  If nothing happens in Your world by mistake and I have pledged to live a life that would please You - what is left in this world to fear.  Faith is fear that has said it's prayers.  Thank you God for this reminder today.  Thanks for reminding me that my dreams and desires can be brought to action... and always remind me that Your plan will be better then mine.  Even when it is hard to imagine that your plan, without two of my boys, could be greater then what I had planned, I will trust. For, I know that their lives, no matter how short, were for a purpose.  I know that I carry them in my heart daily. I also know that you are with me, and because of You, I will see them again one day. Thank you for this life and the people I share it with.  This I pray in Jesus Name - Amen

And as I write those last words, I hear the precious mess maker, saying mama mama mama.  It is time for some snuggles and love, some playing and growing.  It is time for some much needed Mama - Son time.  I am so blessed to be his Mama.

Until next time - Melissa

The #1 Reason why Faith is Better then Fear - Our Family Picture September 2014

February was Fantastic for Us!

HELLO FEBRUARY.....

Thanks for checking in on us this month AND what a busy month it was.  Sometimes, I wonder how moms that work full time do it.  I love my job every day and although the pay stinks, the reward is great.  I can't imagine doing all the things I do with Jase during the day - after work or on the weekends.  We have to much playing to do, to much learning to do, to many appointments to attend, and to much snuggling to do.  That being said, I once again proclaim that I love being a stay home mama.  It makes every sacrifice worth it - 

It has been a busy month, but a great month.  Jase has been healthy and happy all month.  He is 17 months actual  and adjusted to 13 months old.  He is happily walking around everything, walking with a push toy, and climbing up on couches and chairs with the assistance of his toys that he manipulates, to get him where he wants to go.  Jase got new shoes for valentine's day and we have also been trying out new PT tape to keep his legs aligned while crawling and walking.  His right leg is just a little stubborn and he wants to turn it out when walking.  He got his second synagis shot and I am pleased to say that we avoided RSV during its peak month this season. (Oh how excited we will be for spring!) 

Jase is wearing 18 month clothes and size 4 shoes.  He loves to eat new foods, but doesn't want to eat big amounts.  He is my little grazer - wanting to eat small amounts all day long.  He weighs just shy of 22 lbs and is very long and lean.  I believe he grows taller every day. Every one is happy with Jase's growth and I have to remind myself that we don't want a Michelan mascot for a baby.  Premature babies already struggle with obesity as they grow so we want to encourage good eating with healthy food.  Not sure if chicken strips and baked beans are healthy but Jase enjoyed every bit of his Elks Fish Fry meal in our living room. 

Jase loves books and he loves to "read" out loud.  We love to listen to him babble as he holds his book.  We also love to read to him.  How amazing that he can already point at pictures in a picture book for puppy, kitty, fish, monkey and pig.  We are so amazed at the wonderful things that our 23 weeker is doing.  We are also working on colors and shapes.  Some may say that Jase is to young, but I am a firm believer in making learning fun... and it is never to early to have fun.  Pointing at animals is an 18-24 month skill and Jase is only expected to do skills based on his adjusted age of 13 months.  Most of his skills are right on track for his adjusted age.  His comprehension and ability to learn are more advanced and his gross motor skills are a little behind.  What do you expect when a baby lived in an incubator for 17 weeks instead of his mama's belly.  Those muscles need stretched and scar tissue needs massaged.  His chronic lung disease forces him to work harder to breathe then a full-term baby. He also needs more time to catch up. A recent study shows that for every month early a premature a baby is - it takes that many years for them to catch up to their full-term peers.  So, really we can't even begin to compare him to a full-term child until he starts school. 4 months early would equal to a 4 year delay on some skills.  The great news is - his growth curve is steady and growing.  We couldn't ask for better news!

This just got real!  Do you see this little monkey?

Welcome to the world Baby Emma!  We were so excited to meet our baby cousin.  

Jase loved kissing the picture and talking to his sweet little cousin on the phone.

He wasn't so sure about her when he met her.

I told him not to be jealous - there is plenty of love to go around.

       

2.9.15 - Jase had a new play date!

Jase loved playing with Edward.  I can't wait until summer so we can have many more play dates!

My baby is growing up!

 Don't mind the crazy socks - Daddy dressed him and loves the SUPER HERO Socks.
Even when they don't match his outfit!

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

2.14.15

 Look at this mouth full of teeth!

He has all of his teeth except his two year molars.  

He is currently working on completely cutting his top two 1 year molars AND boy are they stubborn.

2.23.15 - Random Cute Pictures in my new 18 month clothes! 

2.25.15 - Not everything in February was fantastic.  For those that don't follow us on Facebook, my Aunt Cyndi was rushed to the hospital a few days before Valentine's day.  Fearing that she had had a small heart attack they needed to do more tests after she fell. She was taken by ambulance to Des Moines.  Tests returned that she had not had a heart attack but she was still very weak from the flu as well as her high blood sugar.  It was not good news to hear that she had fell again on February 25th.  After being taken to the hospital again, it was found that she had 3 blood clots, one in her leg and one in each lung.  She was air lifted to Methodist in Des Moines and it was a very emotional day.  She is back in Creston now, recovering at the rehab part of Creston Nursing and Rehab.  Please continue to keep her in your prayers so that she can make a full and speedy recovery.  I know that her family just wants her to be healthy again and all prayers are appreciated.

Grandmas always have the best touch.  I am so thankful that my  Grandma Emma agreed to come to my house that afternoon.  Not only is Jase enjoying his afternoon nape, but I got some much needed cleaning and laundry done.  I always love her company, but after an emotional morning it was exactly what I needed.

2.27.15 - More Random Pictures from a very busy day.

LAST PICTURE OF FEBRUARY 2015 - 

I think Jase is sad to see February end.  I had to remind him that even better days are to come! 

Doesn't he realize that some of the best days of his life haven't even happened yet.

17 months/13 actual ... for a few more days!

Love, Melissa

Moments to Memories....

I had one of those moments.  The heart-wrenching, memory-filled, want to cry but don't have the tears kind of moment.  The moment when your breath catches in the back of your throat and it physically hurts to swallow.  Today, I had one of those moments - one of those days where I was physically and emotionally hit with memories.  It amazes me how a moment can change the way you think about your whole day.

I woke up this morning at 3:15 am - no reason really, other then I was wide awake.  I felt sad but I couldn't quite place my pain.  I picked up my iPad, tried to read a few pages of my book, checked out a few silly games, and then attempted to fall back to sleep.  Just as I was falling asleep - I heard the  monitor and Jase was screaming.  Not his normal I am awake cry, but the "get your butt in here, I am scared cry".  I picked him up and to the rocking chair we went.  We rocked, we sang and he would fall back to sleep until I tried to lay him down.... and then he screamed again.  This continued until 5:45 am.  At this point, I realized I wasn't sleeping in the chair, I was extremely uncomfortable and I had to wake reinforcements.  I handed Jase to Brennon, made him a bottle and found my way back to the bedroom and shut the door.  And I slept.  I slept better then I had in days. 

7:45 am - I woke up to Jase standing at the bed, screeching at the cat and Brennon stating he was going to put fuel in my car before going to work - In other words, he was telling me to it's time to get up. And Jase and I played.  Together, we pushed trains across the floor, spent time looking at animals in his favorite books, playing the drums, read more books, and honestly just relaxed on the living room floor. What a wonderful morning.  I realized in that moment again how blessed I truly am.   And what was even better, Jase was ready to nap.  As I gave him a bottle and pulled him on to my lap, he touched my face and I kissed his hand.  I sang "you are my sunshine"  and I couldn't finish the song.  I was wretched into memories.  Memories of rocking Carter in the funeral home while singing that song.  Memories of watching the doctors perform CPR on Kaleb, and the shake of the doctors's head as he handed me my lifeless baby.  Singing that exact song while giving my Kaleb his first and only bath.  Singing to Jase in the NICU before Brennon and I left each night.  Telling Brennon just one more minute so that Jase and I could pray together, gazing into the incubator one more time, praying for the chance to be able to do this ritual again the next day.  Praying that God would keep my little boy safe and hoping He would not choose that day to take my baby from me.  Promising myself every day, that all of my boys could feel my love no matter how far away we were.

And then I felt guilty - for handing Jase over to Daddy when all he really wanted was his mom to not put him down.  I know he settled into to Daddy's lap quickly after I went to bed, but still, I felt bad when I realized that I needed those snuggles as much as Jase did.  So, as I rocked him at nap time.  I told him stories of his brothers.  There isn't many stories to tell -  Time was just to short.  So, I have made up memories that we share.  Of how life would be if all three of my boys were running through my home and how tired I truly would be. The sound of their laughter and at times, as I sit in silence, I can almost hear it. And as I glanced at the calendar on the computer, I realized that today is the 19th.  My body knew before my mind did.  17 months ago today, we said goodbye to Kaleb.  In two days, it will be 30 months since we said goodbye to Carter.  Isn't it amazing how the date on a calendar, a time on the clock, the sweet words of a song can take you back in a moment and you didn't even realize it?

An Old Picture - But a Favorite Picture

Grief is such a funny thing.  It never goes away.  Time doesn't heal all wounds.  I wish I could stand on the mountain and tell that to everyone that is grieving.  Time does not heal but it does soften.  My moments, these true heart-wrenching moments happen less and less. The raw and rough emotions have been softened and most times I remember with a smile.  My memories, that at one point, tore me apart, kept me in bed, and made it difficult to function happen less often.   I can now talk about my boys, my memories, and my love with out the extreme pain.  But today, when those heart-wrenching moments happen, I have to remember to ride my emotions like the ocean.  I ride each wave of emotion, experiencing the heartache, remembering the love.  Afraid that if I don't ride the waves, it will drag me down and I will drown.

                         So today, I remember my Kaleb, my Carter and today I cherish my Jase.

I have heard many people tell me during a rough time, to always tell the ones around you that you love them, that you cherish them, that you should spend time with them instead of spending money on them. This needs to happen every day - not just when something bad happens. Please don't take life and its moments for granted.  I never expected to be who I am today.  I never imagined that I would be a baby loss mama.  I can't tell you how many times I wished for things to be different.  I wish I didn't know grief so intimately.  And as I write that, I know I have been guilty of not always making the right choice when it comes to spending time over spending money - but let me tell you every lesson in my life has led me to this moment.  Where if in doubt, I will always choose Jase.  I will choose family over work, time over money, deeds over words and love over anger.

 I will pray - I will believe, and I will LOVE.  

We are so extremely blessed with 3 little boys who have taught us more about life then I can put into words.  A huge shout out to my husband, who when I asked for reinforcements, got up, took a very tired baby from my arms and let me go to sleep and didn't complain once.  I love you Brennon Grant Zellmer - Always and Forever.  Thanks for being the one that shares this journey with me - you are strong in so many ways and a wonderful husband and father.  

We are blessed.  

Thanks for always choosing us.

And as I finished my blog, I stopped and I prayed.  I thanked God for helping me to heal while I write these words.  For giving me purpose and for never leaving us.  To God be the glory.  May he continue to hold us in His arms.  I promised when I found out that I was pregnant that I would always tell my children about His love. A quote that I heard once, but can't really remember. "Dear God, I can't hold Carter and Kaleb in my lap to tell them about You - Will You can hold them on your lap and tell them about me.  Please God help me to raise my child in the ways that he should go.  Give me the wisdom and the courage to always do what is right for him.  That he will one day have a wife, a family, and that he always turn to You for guidance - May my 23 week baby continue to overcome all odds, to become the child and one day man that he is supposed to be.

 In Jesus Name we Pray - Amen

As I wrote these words, the mailman delivered our mail and I received a package from my Aunt Sherry.  She sent us a Molly Bears Calendar.  How I wish I shared pictures of Jase with my Carter Bear and Kaleb Bear - Next year for sure.  As I lifted the front cover, I had tears again.  Happy tears, sad tears, they were all mixed together.  I love that she makes bears in memory of our boys and her babies.  I am glad that I received it in the mail today - I needed it today and  I LOVE YOU!!

Thanks for reading my words, my emotions, my feelings -

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18

Until Next Time.....  Melissa

(I added some cute pictures - just because!)

CHICKEN CHOW MEIN :)

CLICK HERE: PRINT RECIPE

I love CHINESE FOOD - A big fan.  I always crave it on Mondays when the chinese restaurant in town is closed. That being said, my family always made our own chow mein recipe when I was a kid.  A few years ago, I begged my uncle for the recipe and have made it ever sense.  Why spend money on take out?  You can make it for cheap with ingredients that most people have sitting in the fridge or pantry.  Well, with the exception of the chow mein vegetables. That being said, I never know when the craving is going to hit, so I try to keep a few cans in my pantry.  The first time I made it for Brennon he loved it - so I am hoping that if you try it, you will love it too. 

This Recipe is Courtesy of Greg McCloud. 

He would tell you to throw all the ingredients in the pan and cook it - 

I think I should probably break down the recipe for you.

INGREDIENTS: 

- 2-3 chicken breasts
- 8-10 mushrooms sliced
- 1/2  onion diced
- 2 stalks of celery sliced thin
- 2 T soy sauce
- 1 tsp minced garlic OR garlic powder
- 1/2 tsp pepper
- 4 T oil
- 2 cans chicken broth
- 2 (14 oz) cans Chop Suey Vegetables (chow mein vegetables drained) -  
- 4 T cornstarch
- 1/4 cup water

 Remember, I am a pinch of this, dash of that cook - so add more or less to taste.

DIRECTIONS:

1. Heat oil in wok until hot.

2. Add chicken (cut in 1 inch chunks), mushrooms (sliced), onion(diced), celery (diced) all at once.

3. Add minced garlic, pepper and soy sauce.  Stir well.

4. Cook on high 5 minutes or until chicken is nice white color.  Lower temperature to medium.  
    Cook for 5-10 more minutes until veggies are tender and chicken is cooked through.

5. Add chicken broth and chow mein vegetables (drained), return heat to high and bring

    to a boil.

6. Mix corn starch and water and then stir into the chow mien.   

7. When chow mein is desired thickness remove from heat.

8. Make rice according to directions.

8. Pour chicken chow mein over rice (optional).

Bean Sprouts and Water Chestnuts

9. Serve and Enjoy!

Other options - Sometimes I add an extra can of bean sprouts, water chestnuts or bamboo shoots (drained) to the mixture.  It really  just depends how I am feeling when buying the ingredients.

Maybe I should find an egg roll recipe now...

JASER APPROVED! 

 What can I say - I made the kid beef macaroni and he refused to eat.  

He wanted sautéed mushrooms and bean sprouts. 

AND HE LOVED IT.

ENJOY :)