Welcome to January 1, 2013. A new day in a new year. A time to review the last year, make resolutions, and embrace every opportunity of the New Year. I started out this morning, thinking that I would blog about the blessings to be embraced in 2013. But the words just wouldn't come..I couldn't help but to review the last year and ponder what will be ahead in 2013 for the Zellmer Family. During the last year, Brennon and I have experienced every emotion possible and we have survived. I have to share - Here are our 2012 Highlights month by month....
January rang in the New Year with Snow - Upon arriving home from our vacation in Mexico, Iowa greeted us with snow. We had a wonderful time, but glad to be home, to begin our routine in the new year. A big surprise after landing in Kansas City with 60 degree weather the night before. January must have been pretty uneventful, because I really don't remember it!
February brought a decision to be healthy. Healthy in mind, body and spirit. After a doctor's appointment in the middle of February, that diagnosed me with pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. I decided now was the time to be healthy. I went to the doctor and shared our desire to have a family. Knowing that I had a diagnosis of PCOS, our doctor didn't hesitate to make a referral to a fertility specialist.
We met with a fertility specialist at Mid Iowa Fertility in Des Moines on March 6th. Brennon and I drove to our appointment with a mix of nervousness and anticipation. Not knowing what to expect we met our doctor and was prescribed medicine to assist with the PCOS that I suffer from. A follow up appointment would be scheduled for the end of the month. Our follow up appointment confirmed that I had PCOS and was given instructions to take the medication and to monitor ;) We left hoping for the best. During this month, I turned 32. What a great birthday present, the thought that we might be able to have a baby to complete our family. I had always dreamed of having a large family, but knowing the difficulties of getting pregnant, decided that one child would be just fine.
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| April 21, 2012 |
How I loved April of this year. With Easter, brought family to my house, a large noisy group, whom I love. We had our first fire in the fire pit that night, and I had my first positive ovulation test. Because of the PCOS, I had never had this happen before. With a little magic, Uncle Ken moved out of our basement and Baby Z moved in that weekend... The next weekend on April 14th, a tornado hit part of Creston, including the dorms, the community college, and many houses and apartment buildings. It was a busy week at work, as we volunteered in the community, assisted individuals we work with to move into new apartments, and just continued to be amazed by the sense of community that overwhelmed our town. Followed by a work meeting in Council Bluffs at the end of the week. I remember telling my friend Summer, that this wasn't the month and that I truly believed that we hadn't conceived. How surprised I was, when I had a positive pregnancy test on April 21, 2012. This was one of the emotions that I remember the most. I remember thanking God many times that day and in the days to come. Our prayers had been answered. I couldn't believe that we were parents. Brennon and I both became parents in a moment - a moment I will never forget! I prayed that God would keep our miracle baby safe. Bloodwork at our doctor's office confirmed and doubled and although scared that something would happen, were excited to start the new chapter in our lives.
In May we celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary (April 28th) with Larry and Summer Murdock, who were celebrating their 7 year wedding anniversary (April 30th) on May 5th - With a trip to Malvern to our favorite restuarant - the Classic Cafe. I didn't mind being the DD - I loved being pregnant. We had our very first ultrasound the day after Mother's Day and we heard Baby's heartbeat for the very first time. I was so nervous, but I remember sitting in the room for our ultrasound and looking at my husband's face. I fell in love with him all over again. If it was possible to love Brennon more it was in that moment. We left the doctor's office, Brennon called his mom, and I couldn't stop looking at the very first picture our child, the beginning of our family, and the hopes and dreams for the future. We couldn't wait to tell people, but I convinced Brennon that we should wait.
June was another crazy months of love, happiness and hope. I had started spotting at the beginning of the month, bringing a scary day or two, where I spent the day praying to God that he would continue to keep our baby safe. The next week, we had our 10 week ultrasound, and saw our baby, healthy and strong with an equally strong heartbeat. Brennon was convinced that we would have a girl. After that ultrasound, I gave in and allowed Brennon to tell people at 12 weeks. We sent out the cutest pregnancy announcements - At least I thought they were the cutest. We also celebrated our nephew Bradie's first birthday. I was excited to realize that Bradie would be our child's first friend. And to think that our baby would be crawling at Bradie's second birthday.
July was a very busy month at work. We had changes happening on my team, and I really don't remember much about this month, but I do remember my growing belly. I was so excited that Baby Z was growing and I loved going to doctor's appointments to hear our baby's heartbeat. I felt my baby move for the very first time!! I begged and begged for a mid-pregnancy ultrasound, so that we could find out if we were having a boy or a girl. But my doctor wanted to wait, so trusting and praying we started buying things for Baby Z - A box of diapers, a cute Iowa Hawkeye Onsie, and a few items we would need when we brought our baby home. Brennon still convinced that it was a girl, was very good at convincing everyone around us - He even had me convinced, when originally I thought we were having a boy. We started discussing names, our girl name was easy, it was a boy's name we struggled with. For a girl, Emma Rose, and for a boy, the only name we were close to agreeing on was Carter. Brennon just didn't like the names I had picked out. But I knew I wanted his middle name to be McCloud, for my maiden name. We both really liked Bradyn McCloud Zellmer, but it was just to close to our nephew, Bradie's name. July was also the month that Brennon started remodeling our home, including the drywall disaster of 2012, the laundry room now being in the basement and new flooring for the baby's room! Thankfully, I am married to a very patient man, who loves me and his child!
August brought a growing belly. I loved feeling my baby move, and couldn't wait for the day that Brennon could feel our baby kick. It seemed that every time Brennon came close, baby got very quiet. Baby Z loved his daddy's voice, and it always put baby right to sleep. It made my heart happy to see the love between Daddy and his baby! My baby bump is growing and it was the first time my Aunt Kitty said, "I think you are having a boy." Ha- Ha I said, "Brennon is convinced we are having a girl. August 19th, we celebrated my Grandma's 82nd Birthday at my house. Boy was a I tired. I went to work the next morning just not feeling well, but convinced I had just overworked myself the day before. Summer and I spent the morning driving around looking for new office buildings. I went home exhausted. After laying on the couch and a quick dinner, off to bed I went. Here is where the true emotions and faith in God began. I sat up at 8 pm, a pain in my stomach, and went to the bathroom to lots of blood. In a panic, my husband got me new clothes and off to the Emergency Room we went. After what seemed like forever, I was taken to OB and my doctor and parents arrived. After an ultrasound confirming that my baby was okay and still had a very strong heartbeat, I was prepped for Life Flight and a trip to Iowa Methodist in Des Moines. Every thought was a prayer, every blink of the eye was a wish for our baby and my family. It would be okay right? God wouldn't give us our miracle baby and not keep him safe would He? I was settled into my room and an ultrasound was ordered. In the last few minutes of August 20, 2012 - I saw my baby. He was kicking and waving and he was announcing "Hey Mommy - Look - I AM A BOY" My husband arrived at my side, and I cried both tears of happiness that my baby was okay and tears of sadness, because I was so scared of what the new day would bring. For my doctor told me, this wasn't a day by day situation, or an hour by hour situation, but a minute by minute situation, as I was already dilated and my bag of water had dropped.
August 21, 2012 - I have to seperate this day from the rest of the month, as this day, this one day in 2012 not only changed my life, but it also changed me. I would never be the same person again, nor would I look at life the same way - On this day, all I did was pray. I was laying in a bed in Iowa Methodist. I told my new doctor, I would stand on my head if it meant keeping our baby boy inside of me. And I didn't realize it, but my bed was tilted so much I was almost standing on my head. I had regular conversations with the doctor, about my situation, the outlook and she delivered the news to Brennon and I, that if my baby boy was born, he wouldn't live. He was 21 weeks and 4 days, and his lungs were not developed. I prayed to God for strength, and for His love. At 3:15 my water broke. It was agony. A part of me knew this was it, my baby was coming. I held on tight to Brennon's hand, and at 3:30 am, prayed to God that if this was His plan and meant to be, I didn't want my baby to suffer. My doctor told me that he was right there, I could push if I wanted, but he was coming either way. I pushed 3 times, and my baby boy was born at 3:46 am. He was absolutely perfect and the tears started to flow and I am not sure they stopped that day. They brought me my baby shortly after we shared the news with my mom, Brennon's mom, and his Aunt Lillee. His lungs were not developed enough to breathe, but his sweet little heart continued to beat. Our baby boy was a fighter, and his tiny heart ceased to beat at 7 am. Brennon and I just looked at our perfect baby, completely developed. His little hands, his sweet smile. I held my baby close, looked at my husband Brennon Grant Zellmer, and gave our child his name - Carter Grant Zellmer, 1 pound and 11 1/4 inches long was born at 3:46 am on 8/21/12. And yet I wasn't mad at God, I didn't scream at him... For this child I prayed, and the Lord answered our prayers. (1Samuel 1:27) I left the hospital 15 hours later with a very heavy heart, not knowing what to do next, but knowing that I was going home without my baby, and to plan a funeral for a little boy who had a very short but very precious life. I am reminded I was so lucky... For I carried my baby, for his entire life. Very sad, but yet thankful, that God chose me to be his mom.
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| Where We Walk - Carter Will Also Walk |
September was a blur. Days of grief, of sadness, of prayers spoken and written to God, pleading with him to give me strength, to hold me up and to provide me with hope. The month of September, I went back to work, when really all I wanted to do was cry. How do I continue to live, when the one person, I cherished and loved more then anyone, was gone. How do I live my life, voided of the dreams that I had already prepared for. And God said, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will hold you up with My victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)
October brought more doctor's appointments. It was determined that I have an Incompetent Cervix, still have the pre-cancerous cells, and still diagnosed with PCOS. Because of Carter I have one of the best doctors. One of my favorite days this month, was October 10th. I had a doctor's appointment in Des Moines and after the procedure, looked at my doctor with tears in my eyes. And she said to me, "Let's go to my office and talk - I will see if I can find some donuts." And for the next 45 minutes, I shared every fear, every symptom, every concern I had, and she listened. Truly listened and there were moments when we both shared tears. She gave me a hug and I realized things were going to be okay. They may not be the way I had hoped for, but they would be okay. And a week later, the results of my tests, the cells on my cervix had improved!!
November was a difficult month for me. I had so many things to be thankful for, but I wasn't feeling very thankful. Many times, I had to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that I have plenty of things to be thankful for. Many times, I had to remind myself that I had a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby boy, and a family who loved me. Even though I told myself all that, there were still moments when I said, "WHY ME?" I even said I didn't want to go to Thanksgiving with our families this year. Just another reminder that I should still be pregnant, and uncomfortable and loving every minute of it. I felt anger towards my friends who I felt had left us, when we truly felt that we needed them most. I had always felt blessed with many friends, and all of a sudden I only had a few. I was angry with family, who I felt didn't feel the same emotions as we did, who were able to go on with their lives, when I felt like I was doing everything I could to keep mine together. All I wanted to do was talk about Carter, and yet I felt as though I couldn't, because it made people uncomfortable or they just didn't know what to say to me. That is when I truly had a moment of clarity. I had to say "WHY NOT ME?" Did I really feel so special that I was immune to hurt, to pain. I have so much more then others do. My husband cherishes me, he doesn't cheat on me or hurt me, my family loves me and I love them. I am me - I am responsible for my own feelings, not someone else's. I can talk about Carter, because he is my life. He is my child, my only child. If someone doesn't want to talk about him, that is there loss, because our precious little boy has a lot to teach us. Who cares if our friends aren't there? It is not the quantity of friends that we have but the quality. And the friends that have stood beside us, they are our true friends. I am so thankful that I spent this Thanksgiving surrounded by my family. They hugged me, and loved me and gave me everything I needed this month.
And in December we were able to celebrate so much. We were able to celebrate James and Emalie's engagement at the Knotty Pine on December 15th. Emalie, my cousin, who has always been much more of a sister to me then a cousin, is getting married. A reason for love and joy this holiday season. How blessed I was when she asked me to be her Maid of Honor. To stand beside her as she promises to love and cherish the man that she loves. She has turned into a wonderful young woman. A person whom I cherish, and who others will always look up to, as she continues to grow. She has a huge heart, and is able to give and receive love freely. I am so blessed and look forward to the upcoming year when we can plan her wedding. We were able to celebrate Brennon's 30th Birthday this year, and Christmas with his family. Both occasions, I was able to consume lots of prime rib! :) And thankful to end the year in Malvern with two of our closest friends, Larry and Summer Murdock. What a year, a year of blessings - not always easy, but definitely a blessing.
This brings me to the New Year - A prayer that 2013 will continue to bless us. I pray that Brennon and I are blessed with a stronger love between us, that we will continue to grow into the people that God has chosen us to be. God never promised days without pain, laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way. So my New Year's Resolution is not one that I have had before. I would love to loose weight, but if I don't that is okay - I would love to earn more money, but money is not one of the important things in life. I would love to be debt free, but I was before, and I will be again.....My New Year's Resolution is to Trust in God. Not just say that I Trust in God - but to truly LET GO and TRUST. To not get so wrapped up in my plans for the way I feel that my life should be, but to trust and believe in the plan that God has for me. Thank you for allowing me to share my 2012 - As I write this, there were moments of tears, moments of laughter, and moments where I couldn't see the words that I was typing, moments of remembrance, as well as moments of healing. I would not be who I am today, if I hadn't experienced everything that 2012 had to offer. It is true that I experienced every emotion possible this year, but I also know that 2013 will provide blessings for me if I continue to trust in God and His plan for me.
May you have many blessings in the Year 2013 - Love Brennon and Melissa
FAMILY - Brennon and I used to host Sunday dinners for our family every week. Usually we had at least 7 people sitting around our dining room table. I don't think we have done this since Carter was born, and I am not really sure why not. It is time to start the tradition again soon. Maybe next week I can start the week off right with some poor man prime rib, baked potatoes and bacon brussel sprouts. I can't wait, maybe that will be my recipe to post for next week!
I am looking forward to the week ahead with one of my bestest friends. This Friday, I made plans to spend the evening with Corina. The poor girl has known me since we were little and she still chooses to hang out with me.... I am so blessed with her in my life. It continues to amaze me that we can go a long time without speaking, but when we do we pick up exactly where we left off. She has been a shining star in my life during the last 6 months, especially in November, when she invited me to dinner. Thank God she drug me out of my house, and it was exactly what I needed. We visited, we talked about struggles and and blessings, faith and hope, and she even helped me to make some pretty important decisions in my life. Decisions, I wasn't sure I was ready to face. My heart felt lighter then it had in months. Because a true friend believes in you, when you forget to believe in yourself! I am so thankful that we have continued to make an effort to spend more time together. I am so blessed that I can be a part of her life as well. I continue to pray for her and her growing family, that they are blessed with continued happiness, love and health. PS Corina - Tell Kaylee I said.....Happy Birthday!
FAITH - How I miss my Carter. I am so thankful that Brennon and I are able to talk about Carter and the plans we had for our sweet boy. I remember being pregnant and thanking God for the life growing inside of me. I remember one prayer I said often, where I thanked God for this little one, and how I prayed that God would show me the way to teach my child about Him. I heard a quote today, and I am not sure who wrote it, but it really made remember the strength of my love for the little boy I held so briefly. It went, "Dear Lord, I wanted to hold my little one on my lap, and tell him about You. But since I never got the chance, will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?" I could read that line over and over and the tears will continue to flow. I continue to wonder what God has planned for me. I pray that this experience continues to strengthen me for God's purpose and the person He wants me to be. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me." Phillipians 4:13
