Week #32, #33, #34 of 2013

Here is a short update on my life….. It really is hard to type when I am lying down.  Let me explain -

Week #32 -   I went to the doctor on August 13th.  Bad News Tuesday - They told me that in just 2 weeks my cervix was funneling.  See, I  should have begged harder to be seen last week! Thankfully the stitch was holding, but baby A was head down and his head was against the cerclage.  I was sent home on strict bed rest.  I am so scared.  I can do this - I will do whatever it takes to keep the babies inside.  It has been really hard to blog while on bed rest - let me say there was nothing interesting going on… Some Criminal Minds, What Not to Wear and my NOOK.

Week #33 - This week I am 21 weeks pregnant:  August 21, 2013 - Today is Carter's birthday.  My family has stopped by and brought pizza and cake.  IT really is hard to eat lying down, but I am doing it.  I have limited my time up to going to the bathroom and 5 minute showers every other day.  How I miss my Carter baby and I feel extremely uncomfortable this week.  I wish I didn't live so far away from the hospital!  Very thankful that I go to the doctor on Monday.  One year ago today, Carter was born at 21 weeks 4 days - Today the twins gestation is 21 weeks 4 days.  Happy Birthday Carter - WE LOVE YOU.  Watch over your brothers for me please!  WOW it is hard to type like this!

Week #34 - Today, August 26th, I have a lot of anxiety.  I am now 22 to weeks pregnant and scared senseless.  Every feeling, every symptom I question and I although google can sometimes be helpful, now it just makes me anxious as I worry about preterm labor.  I am in the hospital - on hospital bed rest.  After my appointment, it was noted that my cervix was contracting and funneling past the stitch and sent directly to the hospital.  It turns out all of those uncomfortable feelings that I felt on Carter's birthday were contractions and I have been having them ever since.  I am measuring 34 weeks pregnant.  UGH - I guess I won't be blogging much - just praying!  Two weeks until viability - I CAN DO THIS - I WILL DO THIS!

Until Next Time Friends - Thank you for your continual prayers and support!

Thought for Week #31 of 2013

I think I should start the week off with my thought for the week.... "Thank God for what He has done. Thank God that He can turn any situation around. Create a new vision of victory."  Thank you Joel Osteen for my thought for the week.  Once again very appropriate when I am feeling down and worried.  I don't know why I worry so much - I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  I can only do my part to keep these babies safe and trust in God that He will take care of us all.  We continue to pray that He allows Brennon and I to be the parents that we are excited to be.

I am again reminded again this week how high risk my pregnancy really is.  I am 19 weeks and will be 20 weeks pregnant on Saturday.  I am currently measuring 26 weeks with my boys.  I went to the doctor last week, and my cervix continues to be holding with the help of my cerclage.  My doctor did report that I have a week off and don't have to go back to the doctor until August 13th.  After a panic moment, I begged (yep, in this pregnancy, I have started to beg) to be seen.  The doctor honestly told me, she couldn't justify seeing me this week, as my cervix is doing well.  Thankfully, she did tell me that if I need reassured, to call and she would either talk to me or see me.  That does help.  I know that each weekly appointment is expensive for my checkbook, and that she is really busy helping mom's with more complications then me, but I really do enjoy my weekly appointments - and the piece of mind that it gives me.  SO, in the meantime, I will continue to pray.  I know that God has a plan for us and I continue to choose faith over worry.  My next appointment will be the anatomy scan for the twins.  I am excited for my long ultrasound and to see in detail my baby boys!  My boys are becoming more active.  I first felt them move around 17 weeks, but as they position myself on my bladder and in my spine, I haven't felt them as much in the last couple weeks.  I know in the weeks ahead I will be feeling their soccer kicks more and more.  Baby A is head down and on my right and Baby B is head down and on my left.  They continue to be active in my belly - although, Baby A continues to show off more then his brother does.  I am excited for their birth in 16 weeks or so, when I can truly begin to learn their personalities.

I was talking to Brennon yesterday about how isolated I feel.  Being isolated in my home really does affect my personality.  I never realized how hard this would be.  Not so hard physically but emotionally.  It is extremely difficult to choose to be home and laying down -  when I would love to be up and enjoying the summer weather and activities, like my family and friends do.  I have to do what is best for my boys and believe me I will always sacrifice for them.  When I am off work, I am laying down.  I do allow myself small activities outside of the home on the weekends - but I can't shop, I can't go for a walk.  I  am allowed a few moments in a restuarant for a bite to eat or to go to to the office  to keep up with my work.  I promise you, I am not depressed - I am just bored.  I am thankful for the family that comes and visits me but I really do miss my life.  I guess I really should be thankful that I am not on strict bedrest where I can only get up to use the restroom or even worse hospital bed rest where my activities are really restricted. It is times like this where I really wish that I was normal, with a normal pregnancy.... but then that would be boring right?  I have lots of time to be busy when these babies are born.  I do wish I was independently wealthy - that way I could put myself on modified bed rest and  have some peace of mind.

Speaking of choosing faith over worry - Carter's birthday is in 2 short weeks.  The closer we get to his birthday the more worried I become.  I become anxious with each day.  On Carter's birthday, these babies will be the same age as he was when he was born.  It makes me question every decision I make, and second guess every activity I attend.  This week I had some changes in my symptoms, that of course I worried about.   I find myself panicking over every pregnancy system that is different then before, and sometimes I freak out over symptoms that a normal pregnant women would never question.   I find that prayer has been my only refuge.  I pray for a healthy pregnancy.  When I think back to where I was a year ago, I can't believe that I survived that intense grief!  BUT, I did survive and my faith is stronger because of the love that Carter taught me.  I knew when Brennon and I decided that we would try again that there would be moments of happiness, moments of tears, moments of joy and moments of worry.  We had to transfer all of those feelings into trust in our God, the creator of life. And it is to Him I pray that he allows these boys a long, happy life with 2 parents who would do anything to keep them safe.

Alright - so enough rambling about my feelings!  Brennon and I will do WHATEVER it takes to keep these babies safe!  So, this is my update for the week.  Not exciting I know! I am hoping to have a fun Zellmer update next week.

 Please continue to keep us in your prayers.   As for Brennon and I - We will choose faith over worry (and continue to pray, when worrying seems easier).  We will have a great week!

Love, Melissa

Thought for Week #29 and #30 of 2013!

Wow!  Can you believe that August is at the end of the week?  Where does the time go.  At the end of this week I will be 19 weeks pregnant.  It really doesn't seem possible that I am halfway though the first and easiest part of my pregnancy.  With saying that, I have realized that I truly am slacking on my blogging experience.  I can only imagine what it will be like once these babies have arrived.  Here is what's new in the Zellmer World!

Week #29 -   During the past week - We did the great reveal!  And as most of you know the babies are BOYS!  I jokingly told Brennon that if we were going to try again to have a girl - we were going to adopt, as I didn't think I could ride this roller coaster again.  Although, I have also said that we will never again decide how many children we will have, but take as many children as God blesses us with.  (Watch out Duggers - Here come the Zellmer's) - AHH really, I am to old for that.  :)

I was pumped that I was able to see so many family members during that weekend for the great reveal.  It really do appreciate all the support from my family and it helps to see everyone when I am  no longer able to travel long distances.  I had a great time!

I continue to have weekly appointments with Dr Drake.  I will have to tell you that I have had some stressful moments during this last week.  I was supposed to go to the doctor on Thursday.  AND, by Wednesday, I couldn't handle it anymore.  (WARNING - TMI AHEAD)  Skip over this paragraph if you need too.  The UTI medicine wasn't working and Wednesday morning, I had projectile vomit all over the bathroom.  Ceiling, Walls, Bathtub, Floor and Toilet... there was no way I could control the amount of vomit that was exiting my body.  Here I was 5 minutes before I was to leave to work, on the bathroom floor, crying and cleaning up puke.  While Brennon stood in the doorway holding a garbage bag while I tossed towels in.  Following that, I was miserable.  I actually wondered if I was having complications with the cerclage - I couldn't even sit correctly - A follow up phone call to the doctor's office and they said I could come right up.  I was convinced the whole way to Des Moines that I would receive bad news.  So much for a positive attitude! An ultrasound reported that my cervical length was 3.6 - WOOHOO - Not the 4.6 I had hopped for, but I had only lost a cm.  So the babies were good, the cervix was good - what the heck was wrong.  Yep, I was told that I didn't have a UTI.  HMMMM - This all means to me that I should be feeling healthy - Right?  Well - after an exam, they found that the lovely fishing wire cerclage had buried into my flesh on the inside.  She went into to trim it and I promise I came off the table, and Brennon just stared at me.  Instant relief.  I do remember the rest of the week just feeling off, I am pretty sure I had anxiety most of the weekend.

And here we are at Monday #30 - Last week was pretty unenventful!  I went to the doctor with a cervix length of 4.7 - I was so confused, I lost a cm last week, but gained again this week.  I was told that some ultrasound techs go from tip to tip and let the computer measure, and she actually measures along the curve of the cervix.  That is what varies the length.  Overall, my cervix hasn't changed since my surgery.  I find this interesting, so I just had to share.  I did find out that I am measuring at 24 weeks.

I find that the symptom train showed back up.   I am exhausted. I feel like I am in my first trimester all over again and all I want to do is sleep.  My lower back hurts, my stomach throws my balance off, vertigo showed back up, and I am perfectly happy that my babies are healthy.  I do remember praying for healthy family and reminding God that I would be sick every day of this pregnancy just to have a healthy full-term baby!  

Lately, I find that every breath is a prayer.  I wake every morning to thank God for my babies and then to pray that they are healthy and that my body continues to be strong enough to carry them.  I ask God to take care of them and allow me the chance to be a good mother.  To teach them all of the important things in life.  I remember a quote I kept after Carter was born - It went "Dear God, I wanted to hold my little one in my arms and tell him about You.  Since I can't, will You hold my little one and tell him about me?"  That quote still make me cry.  I know that God is in control, why do we as humans find it so hard to relinquish control?  I had someone tell me Friday that worrying is also a sin.  I now have tried to remind myself of that as well, and to enjoy my pregnancy.  For I am truly blessed.

So I will continue to have faith - because as I remind myself daily - I have no control over this pregnancy.  I can only do my part, which leaves me on modified bed rest and eating as healthy as I can. I am not God, and I can't see the future, therefore I must continue to pray and trust.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Our precious boys and my body's ability to carry them.  

Have a great week!  Melissa

Thought for Week #26, #27 and #28 of 2013 :)

I guess I am behind again. I have so much to write about, but not enough patience to sit down and write.  Because of this, here I am writing for 3 weeks.   Even though I am late on my weekly blog, I realized today that I really needed to write.  I need a little relaxation and time to put things into perspective and I guess this will be my way to do it.  

Today, I am frustrated.  I hate it when what I have to give isn't enough.  I really do feel like I am pulled in so many directions.  I have so many things on my plate right now and no matter what I do - it doesn't seem to be good enough.  Why can't it be easier?  I wish I could skip ahead a few weeks (or even a few months) just so I can know that everything will work out.  How can I tell others to trust in God, to have faith, and yet I question every decision.  I pray and pray and still I am not sure that my prayers will be answered.  Honestly,  I prayed for the safety of Carter and I lost him - what's to keep me from loosing these children too?  I am 16 weeks pregnant this week, measuring 18 or 19 weeks AND I am scared.  The closer that I get to August, the more panicky I get.  I don't know how to help others understand what I am feeling.  I am not meaning to be bitchy.  I am trying really hard to act like myself, like nothing is bothering me and yet everyday I wake up wondering if today will be the day that I say goodbye.   I say my prayers every morning with the intention of leaving all of my fears with God - but somehow, I come home from work, to lie in bed for the rest of the evening, worrying and wondering what the next day will bring.

Even as I write that, I feel guilty - Once again I find myself questioning God's plan and what is ahead for us.  I knew in January when I chose my New Year's Resolution, to trust in God and his plan for my life, that there would be difficult moments where I would question Him.  Deep down, I know that He won't leave me, and no matter what is ahead, He will provide for us.  Joel Osteen posted a message on facebook this weekend that I really liked.  It said, "The truth is, somebody in this world would gladly trade places with you.  Take time to thank God for your family, your friends, your health and the opportunities that He has provided you."  I really do like that - it really does make me realize that although times are tough right now - I have a lot to be thankful for!

And, with tears running down my face, I promise that I will continue to be a fighter, to take care of myself, my husband and my babies, while juggling my daily duties.  I will continue to make each day count.  If you see me in the days ahead, with a frown on my face. Please remind me of all the the good in my life, to put my struggles behind me - and to remember that  am not in control.  I have to let go and let God!  (See all my weekly thoughts for the last 28 weeks are coming into play!)

It worked - writing about it, thinking about and praying about it has helped.  I am ready to talk about my last 3 weeks in review.  What a crazy 3 weeks it has been :)  Here is my life in review....

Week #26 - I had surgery.  I will tell you that this experience was not at all what I expected.  I wasn't nervous for the procedure, I trusted and still trust my high risk doctor, but it really wasn't how I thought it would be.  I had to be at Iowa Methodist at 5 am, where I was registered and taken to pre-op.  I will tell you, I looked great in the gown and booties.  I really do think it should be my new look.  OB came down to get the babies heart tones, I met with the anisteologist, and had last minute instructions from Dr Drake.  I am not sure what I expected, but was rolled down to the operating room at 7am.  I had a spinal - which I really thought would hurt, but honestly it hurt less then the IV.  I felt a warm sensation and my legs went numb.  I remember hitting them and laughing at the sound, but not being able to feel anything.  At 7:15 am, Dr Drake scrubbed in, and I laid back to 7 people running around the operating room while I watched and wondered what was happening under that big blue sheet.  And at 7:30 am, they showed me what the surgical stitch looked like... Just a thin fishing wire looking thing holding these babies inside of me.  7:35, I was rolled into recovery - where they thought I would regain feeling in an hour or two.... HMMM - That didn't work.   They had a difficult time finding heart tones for the babies, so Dr Drake ordered a portable ultrasound to check on the babies.  I asked about gender and she told me, although would not confirm until the next ultrasound on July 3rd. At 11 am they finally allowed Brennon to come hang out.  And I was able to tell him the unconfirmed gender of our babies.  I kinda felt bad, with both Carter and these babies, he showed up to late for the big reveal.  I realized I was able to see all parts of a recovery room for a very long time.  I was FINALLY able to leave Methodist at 2:30 pm :)  I was able to come home to bed rest.... for the rest of the week and part of the following week, I was on bed rest.  I really don't have much else to say about this week, except, I really am not sure how people handle day time television.  I did however watch the George Zimmerman trial and wondered where the prosecution had built their case.  I am so thankful for the friends and family that visited, brought food, and just helped me adjust to staying in bed, when I am so used to being on the go.

Week #27 - Bed Rest, Ultrasound and the 4th of July!  During the beginning of this week, I was still on bed rest, but I was able to take showers that lasted more then a few minutes.  I continued to watch the George ZImmerman trial ( Yippeee - and if you didn't get that - there was some sarcasm at the fact that it was the only thing on.)  Brennon continued to be a rockstar, taking over the duties of our house, Summer and Holly were great helping me at work, and I continued to lay flat.  July 3rd, we had a follow up for my surgery.  An ultrasound of my cervix showed a good length of 4.6 cm and an ultrasound of the babies confirmed their gender.  Brennon and I both decided to keep it a secret for a little while - so we could share the excitement together. I was released back to work with limited restrictions.  I was able to attend the parade on Thursday, grab a bite to eat and then off to bed I went.  I also was able to make a trip to Wal-Mart and snuck in some purchases for our babies.

Week #28 - This week was miserable!  The symptom train from surgery started to show up.  Feeling miserable I finally called the doctor on Thursday... A trip to GRMC to have a urine analysis confirmed a UTI (sorry - TMI) They faxed the results to Des Moines and I was able to take medication starting Friday night.  Thankfully they allowed me to do it at the lab here versus driving to Des Moines to urinate :) My belly is stretching, I swear I can feel the cerclage and my UTI is out of control.  Here it is the following Wednesday and I am still not feeling much relief.  Thankfully I have an upcoming appointment on Thursday 18th - we can finally figure out what is up.  For the rest of the week, I have planned a gender reveal party, found the cribs we want for the babies, and ordered the bedding.  We are moving forward.

This brings me to my thought for this week.   I Will Continue to Trust in God.  I am so thankful for all that I have been blessed with.  God please forgive me for doubting and questioning you.  This week, both Brennon and I are nervous about our upcoming doctor appointment and ultrasound.  Praying for very little changes to my cervix, no complications and healthy babies.  If you have a moment, Brennon and I would sure appreciate extra prayers.  We appreciate every one!

Have a good week!  Melissa

Thought for Week #24 and Week #25 of 2013!

Here I go again - Writing for 2 weeks at a time because I am always exhausted... or maybe just lazy?  I will stick with exhausted - it sounds better then saying that I may or may not be lazy.

We have had a busy day... week.... life!  We seem to be busy, but yet, I feel like we really haven't done much.  Brennon has been busy with projects around the house, and I have been busy staying as stress-free as possible.  :)  These babies haven't been born yet and they already have us wrapped around their tiny fingers with their tiny fingernails - just beginning to grow this week.

Our babies did meet the 12 week mark last Saturday - Week #24.  I can only imagine how much they are growing.  As last week came to an end, I was reminded again how much these babies are making me ill.  I am pretty sure that morning sickness is supposed to be gone at the end of the first trimester - and here it is just showing up.  I have had horrible vertigo this week.  It makes me extremely nervous to drive out of town. Sorry Brennon, I guess you will continue to be my chauffeur.  

And here we are - Week #13 - Today, I had my 2nd appointment with the perinotologist in Des Moines for my pre-op appointment.  I am beginning to wonder if we should just move to Des Moines for the next 6 months.  We heard both babies heartbeats on the hand-held doppler today.  I also heard a lot of gas gurgling around in my belly.  Yes - because now, not only do I have vertigo but I have NOT  had a satisfying bowel movement in 3 days. (Thanks for Sharing Right? - SORRY) The gurgling was louder then their sweet little heartbeats!   Speaking of heartbeats, and not constipation - they continue to be in the 150 - 160 beats per minute range. WOHOO - My intuition still tells me that we will be blessed with one of each - but I have been surprised before and we will be happy with 2 very healthy babies. I was hoping for more pictures today - but will gladly wait until our next appointment on July 3rd, because it means that the babies heartbeats are healthy and we didn't need a picture.  And hopefully the babies will cooperate and we will know gender in just a few short weeks!

Tomorrow night, we will head to Des Moines.  We have decided to go out to dinner and to stay in a hotel before surgery.  I am hoping for a 7 am surgery time on Wednesday, but will know more tomorrow.  I will say, as it gets closer, the more nervous I get.   I am not nervous for me - but for the safety of the twins.  I wish that we could skip right over the next few weeks, right to 28 weeks.  Today, I am measuring 15 weeks pregnant - which I am told is great for carrying twins.  I also have been following my diet and lost 3 lbs.  Before you tell me that I am not supposed to loose weight in pregnancy - I will tell you that it is alright if I do.  During this pregnancy, I am to only gain 25 lbs.  Since that is what  a woman usually gains with 1 baby - I have to gain that with 2 babies.  I actually feel so much better following the diet without extra sugar, sodium or fat.  Who knew that was the secret to loosing weight? :) HA HA 

So - Wednesday is the cerclage surgery.  They are going to place a stitch in my cervix to help support the weight of the growing babies.  I continue to state that I will do anything to assist in their safety.  This week, I have thought a lot about Carter.  Because my due date is the same, where I am with these babies, was exactly where I was last year in my pregnancy with Carter.  I found myself with tears running down my face today, as I realized the seriousness of our situation and how difficult it is to carry one child with an incompetent cervix, and we are doing everything we can to carry 2.  I miss my Carter, and even though, I have my faith, my family, amazing doctors, and friends all in our corner, there is still a part of me that has doubts - that says "What IF?"  There are times that I am overwhelmed by the emotions of everything that has happened during the last year.  Sometimes, I wonder if I am strong enough, to put my fears behind me,  to remember that my faith is my fear that has said it's prayers.  I remind myself that fear is a dead end - but with faith, our future will be great.

So here is my THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK - I continue to thank God every day for the blessings that we have been blessed with.  I do know that I would not be where I am today without that continued faith.  I saw a picture on Facebook today that said,  "God has a perfect plan for us.  He never does it all at once, but step by step, because He wants to teach us to 'Walk by Faith' and not by sight."  What a perfect thought for this week.  I will put my fear behind me, every doubt and every misfortune and I will walk by faith.

So, that is my story for the week - Des Moines tomorrow, Surgery Wednesday, Strict Bed Rest on Thursday and Friday, and hopefully will be able to start moving around again this weekend.  I will be ready to sit in the sun this weekend - so rain, please stay away!  I again want to thank you for the continued thoughts, prayers and love that you continue to bless Brennon and myself with.  Life is Amazing - Please remember to thank God for the blessings in your life.  I will walk with faith this week AND, if you are not busy,  I am always looking for someone to walk with me!  

See you next week!  Love, Melissa

Thought for Week #21 AND Weeks #22 and #23 of 2013 :)

A LITTLE LATE?  NOPE... A LOT LATE!  I suppose this means that I have to write 3 weeks in a row.  I am up early this morning.  The pregnancy train is chugging at me full force this morning.  I have already taken my medicine, made some decaf coffee, laid back down and dry heaved all over the bathroom.  Interesting day so far... 

On another note, I think I have to apologize for my horrible follow through when it comes to this blog.  I write for myself mostly.  I find it funny to believe that nothing ever changes, but when I look back over the weeks, everything changes.  I also write for my readers.  It amazes me how many views I get each week, and the emails from people I don't know, that are inspired by our story.  That being said, I really believe that I have to continue this blog experience.  BUT - Honestly, I am truly considering changing my weekly blog day to a day that is not Monday.  I am so exhausted by the time I get home at night, I can barely keep my eyes open - let alone, think about what I am going to write about it.  I guess we will see!  In the meantime - Let me   talk about my week in review -- okay my 3 weeks in review.

BABY - BABY - There's 2!

Week #9 - We had an ultrasound this week!  It continues to amaze me the growth between 7 weeks and 9 weeks.  I love seeing the babies at 7 weeks and hearing their tiny heartbeats.  And then at 9 weeks to see them moving and wiggling and their tiny arms and legs are forming.  The miracle never ceases to amaze me!  Baby A was always moving.  I find myself calling Baby A she.  So, I will -  until I find out the sex of the babies.  She was wiggling and moving.  We saw her little heartbeat at 161 per minute.  Baby B - I find myself calling Baby B he.  He was more laid back.  Not moving much at the time, but his heart beating away at 166 beats per minute.  I believe that Carter's heartbeat was 164 at this ultrasound.  Our ultrasound tech stated she was betting on a boy and a girl for us.  We promised that we would keep her up to date when we found out.

Friday, was a little scarier.  Everything was fine until I went to the bathroom and saw some discharge streaked with yellow!!!!  The emotions that I felt were indescribable.  I am sorry if this was to TMI :)  It brought me right back to the week prior to Carter being born and the signs of loosing my mucus plug.  Now, granted, I am only 10 weeks pregnant, but those feelings came back and my heart dropped. I called my doctor that just discharged me the day before - yep, he was on vacation in Hawaii.  And the no one answered the nurse line.  So I called Dr Lehman - yep, she was out until Tuesday.  Darn my luck, everytime I feel that I need to talk to my doctor, they are on vacation.  I talked to the triage nurse, who spoke to that doctor.  Take it easy.  If the discharge continues call and I could come in Monday.

Week #10 - Thankfully no more discharge!  And this is the week, that I was able to see Dr Lehman.  Don't worry - I made her check my cervix.  Even though, I know at 10 weeks, there is nothing they can do to save the babies, I needed piece of mind. I also know that if I miscarriage now it is because of the babies having a chromosomal problem not because of my body's ability to carry them.  But, I still needed piece of mind.  I am so thankful for my doctor.  She does whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable.  This included discussing the symptom train that seems to be a little worse with twins.  I love being pregnant, and I will be sick every day of this pregnancy if it means a healthy pregnancy for 2 precious babies.

And here we are at Week #11.  It continues to amaze me that this trimester is coming to and end.  I always heard moms say that the 2nd trimester was the easiest.  The first one, was a lot of hormonal changes, morning sickness and fatigue and that the 3rd trimester was filled with heartburn, uncomfortable positions and the inability to sleep.  But let me tell you, if I could skip right over the 2nd trimester and into the 3rd - I would in a heartbeat.  For me, the girl with the incompetent cervix, the 2nd trimester is the riskest time of pregnancy... the absolute scariest.  See the problem with an incompetent cervix is, there is no warning, there is no preterm labor, there are no signs.  There is only the moment that it happens. This is the trimester, that I know that my faith must be stronger then my fear.  I continue to believe that God is with me and these babies, and that my faith will carry me.  And, I continue to tell Him how scared I am.  And I continue to believe in my heart that good things await Brennon and I.

SO today, I am off work- and I am heading to Des Moines to meet with the perinatologist!  The high risk doctor, that will give me an ultrasound and a plan for the safety of my family.  I am excited for an ultrasound, and I am nervous for the plan.  But I will do what it takes to keep everyone safe.  The plan will involve surgery and a cerclage placed on my cervix to provide more support with the weight of these growing babies.....  I have been ready for this plan since I found out I was pregnant!

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?  My life is actually kinda boring right now - AND, I am completely okay with that.  Here is my weeks in review.

LOVE - My moodiness has got to be difficult to love.  I know this, and I am absolutely positive that Brennon knows this.  During the last few weeks, I have been taking it easy - which is not really that easy.  I haven't wanted to put extra strain or stress on my body, so my routine has pretty much been work, couch, bed.  Brennon has been a rockstar.  I know that he wants me to relax as much as possible, so he has taken over all of the household chores (except paying the bills - we're not there yet - :)  He does the laundry, cooks supper, cleans, mows, does yard work and is currently building a deck.  I appreciate him so much and I love what he is doing, but I think I miss it.  I miss the teamwork that we had doing things together.  I do have to say, Brennon is the best husband.  And even when I am moody, and forget to show my appreciation.... I know that I have it made!

FAMILY -   I have been able to see lots of family during the last few weeks.  On Memorial Day weekend, we spent our time with family.  I even went to Fairfield and picked up a sweet little puppy for my aunt and uncle... and everyone made their way to Iowa for the weekend.  It was great...exhausting but great.  Lots of food, lots of family and lots of love.

FRIENDS - We have also had some good times with friends.  We were able to have breakfast with Mike and Callie - we were able to see the Emily Turner and we were able to spend time with Evan while Larry and Summer were on vacation.  How much fun it would be to go to Jamaica?!  Although, I have decided that we may not be taking any vacations besides possibly the Henry Doorly Zoo during the next few years.... another thing, I am completely fine with.  Oh and before I forget  - Happy Birthday Kelly Busch!  I haven't seen you much lately, and we haven't talked - but I thought about you yesterday and hope you had a wonderful day!

FAITH - My motto during the last few weeks... "Let my faith be stronger then my fear."  This really has helped me during the last few weeks.  Every time I have become discouraged, every time I have had a crazy symptom, or wondered about the future.... I am reminded that my God does not leave me.  What a wonderful thought for the week!  My Thought for the Week - "Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."  Deuteronomy 31:6

I suppose that I should get up, off the computer and drag my pukey butt into the shower so we can leave for Des Moines.  I am only so excited about the traffic on I235 and the vertigo that is in full force this morning.  I can only imagine... Sorry B!  Anyway, praying for a great appointment - I will update you all later!  Have a wonderful and an absolutely blessed week!

I love you all - Melissa

Thought for Week #20....of 2013!

My Thought for This Week.... Carter is going to be a big brother!  

I have babies on the brain.  Which may be why I didn't post a blog last week!  I came home last week on Monday the 13th from a doctor's appointment in Des Moines - with the shocking, yet exciting news that we were having twins!

So here we go - all those weeks that I haven't posted anything....or very little.  Let me catch you up so far, beginning just 4 weeks ago!

Week 4 -  Although, I probably could have taken a pregnancy test at the beginning of the week - I thought that I would wait until my missed period.  I have a love/hate relationship with the pregnancy test.... as I love them when they are positive and dislike the rejection I feel when they are negative.  So, I waited - although there were no symptoms but random cramping - I had a few signs.... 2 days past my missed period and during the middle of the week was a positive pregnancy test on April 24, 2012.   I remember screaming to Brennon that it was positive, after having spent multiple minutes self- talking to myself about how to deal with it if it was negative.  Brennon ran into the living room and we stared at it.  I am pretty sure I didn't hug him - I just paced, and paced, and paced.  I was beyond excited, beyond happy, and beyond scared.  My first prayer was whispered to the heavens.. Please God keep this child safe and allow us to raise this precious miracle.  We drove to Des Moines 2 days later on Friday for a blood test - 521 and then again on Sunday April 28th (our Anniversary) to see our levels double to 1192.  WOO-HOO - we had a rockstar in my belly!

Week 5 -  Two words come to mind this week, vertigo and sinus infection.  Okay - so technically 3 words.  I was sick, sick and sick.  I believe that I tried everything from neti pots, to cough drops to onion sandwiches... 

This week, I couldn't help thinking about Carter.  He is our big boy - no longer the baby of our family.  He is a big brother.  

Week 6 - Saturday, the first day of week 6 AND I was still sick.  I remember after Carter was born, bargaining with God.  I remember praying for healthy baby and that I would take morning sickness everyday if it meant a healthy pregnancy.  I did not expect the head cold/chest congestion, phelgm puking, pea green diarrhea and the fact that I am anti - medication during pregnancy.  I will take morning sickness every day, but not this.  Although, I remember that God doesn't bargain... it really makes me laugh at His sense of humor when answering my prayers.

Let me tell you - - I sure hope those cough drops or vicks vapor rub didn't hurt my baby.  Not even wanting to admit my dreams that night were coughing attacks leading to a miscarriage.  I know crazy - and probably sharing to much... but I suppose all normal worries for a mom and a dad who have already said goodbye to our firstborn.

Anxiously awaiting our baby's first photo session scheduled for week #7 -  praying for strong heartbeat and a beautiful little blueberry.  

 #7 - I thought I had seen everything..... Really what more can shock me.  Let me tell you that I received the shock of a life time on Monday, May 13th and an awesome Mother's Day gift.  I was given the opportunity to see my babies.  Yes, you see I said it correctly we are having babies.  TWO BABIES!  This would explain the vertigo!  Both babies measuring 7 weeks and 1 day.  Baby #1 heartbeat was 123 and Baby #2 was 122.  Will we have a baby boy and a baby girl?

We are shocked and beyond excited.  I think I said 15 times in the ultrasound room.... "but I have an incompetent cervix."  I had a hard time keeping one baby inside and I have two babies to keep safe.  The thought was overwhelming.  I am not sure who felt more faint Brennon or myself.  I just remember repeating that phrase over and over.  The nurse smiled and said, "Well incompetent cervix or not - it doesn't change you have 2 babies."  Although we were shocked, I was reminded in that moment that I have to trust in God.  He will provide for us, and he will protect our children according to His will. Brennon drove home from our appointment... moments of silence, moments of sentences I am not sure what was said, and few moments of laughter, a shake of the head and realizing that we were looking at a picture of 2 babies.  Brennon looked at me and said, "We must have been praying on the same days - we both got our prayers answered because we each got a baby!"

And the funny thing - there was no fertility treatments - just some luck (or a miracle).  My old left ovary only working 20% of the time released 2 eggs this month - resulting in twins.  It amazes me that the same ovary that I had surgery on to remove a baseball size cyst and is barely working would release both eggs.

Here we are with week #8 - Anxiously waiting to have another peek at our babies next week.  Hoping and praying that everything looks great and we will be referred to our perintologist.  This way, we can come up with a plan for the safety of this pregnancy.  I am getting antsy thinking about our options and what cerclage they will choose.   I continue to pray that God helps the doctors to know best how to treat me and that I will be blessed with a long, boring pregnancy.  I am pretty pumped... Only a few more weeks and we will be able to have weekly ultrasounds.

I am finally getting used to the crazy pregnancy symptoms that I have this time, that I didn't experience with Carter.  I don't have morning sickness - I have the all day pukey feeling... but thankfully I don't throw up, and it is nothing I can't handle.  AND, I am always hungry - I guess that happens when I am feeding more then one.  I feel I have to be snacking all the time, and I am running out of healthy options that sound good!  I have finally came to accept my crazy mood swings (although, I am not sure Brennon has).  I have never experienced such intense feelings or hormones rocketing through my body.  Also, I am going to have to wrap this up soon, as I am rapidly approaching my 7 pm bedtime :)

I do have to add, today is May 21, 2013 - Carter is 9 months old today in Heaven.  Happy Birthday to my big boy! Daddy and Mommy Love YOU!

On another note....Here are some random Melissa and Brennon Pregnancy Facts

1.  We are pregnant - During Week 8 - Baby #1 and Baby #2 are each the size of a kidney bean and Carter is 9 months old.

2.  Most pregnant couples have 10-15 prenatal visits... The Zellmer Family will have  30-40....  :)

3.  We are now blessed with the best team of doctors!

4. Only 4-5 short weeks to surgery.  We are sewing these babies inside and we are going to keep them there until at least 35 weeks....
5. Full Term for Twins - 37 weeks!  I only have 29 to go!

6. Our babies' due date is December 28, 2013 (Carter's was due date was December 28, 2012).  We would love to meet our baby at Christmas - but contine to pray that there are no reason for contractions before Thanksgiving.

7. We are so excited for Baby #2  and #3- but, because we are expecting and excited for our future, it does not change that we were pregnant and gave birth to Carter.  The next few months, I am sure there will be laughter, tears, excited moments and scared moments... and many, many prayers.  But as always,  our faith will continue to be stronger then our fears.

Thanks so much for sharing this journey with me.  I look forward to blogging during the upcoming weeks, not only about our babies, but the changes that are happening in our lives.   I am so blessed that I was able to give birth to Carter.  He has helped me to realize that life is short and that faith, hope and love is what we need to carry on.  My faith in God, continues to sustain me, to carry me and to give me hope for the future and the blessings to come.  Thank you to my family, my friends, my acquaintances, to strangers and to blog readers who have said prayers for us, who have supported us and who have loved us.  I can barely type, as tears stream down my face... thinking back to one of my first posts on January 1st - when faith and hope was all we had.  I thought I was down to nothing, when in truth, He was preparing me for everything.  When Brennon and I chose to start trying again, we both had to remember that God is in control and that we don't know what the future holds... that in truth we could say goodbye to another baby.  We don't know what our future holds, and yet, knowing that, doesn't change the fact that we are blessed.  We love all three of our children.... Carter and the 2 to come!  We pray daily that God continues to be in our life, in our home, and in our family.  That He will protect our family of 5 and provide us with all we need.

Have a blessed week!  Thank you for all your support!  Love, Melissa