"Melissa, on this day, God wants you to know that there is a right time for everything you do."
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the Earth: A right time for birth and another for death, a right time to plant and another to reap, a right time to kill and another to heal, a right time to destroy and another to construct, a right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to love and another to abstain, a right time to embrace, and another to part, a right time to search and another to count your losses, a right time to hold on and another to let go, a right time to rip out and another to mend, a right time to shut up and another to speak up, a right time to love and another to hate, a right time to rage war and another to make peace. Ecclesiastes 3: 2-8
Everyday, I read my message from God on Facebook, and today, I felt the need to share it. "If you try to live counter to your personal rhythms, you will expand more time and energy to get things done. Body and soul suffer when you force yourself to wrestle against your own rhythms. Listen to your own rhythms and follow them."
Good Advice - I think I should remember that - especially tonight. Tonight, I feel defeated. I can not stop crying. I have so many emotions that I can't control. Most days, I am just fine. I feel good. I rejoice in God's Love and I find that I have strength to make it through the day. This afternoon, as I was reading my email, I remembered my desire to be a parent, a parent to a child here on earth. Out of nowhere, I had a feeling of overwhelming need, a need for my family. I honestly felt scared, and still feel scared. I have struggled for so long with infertility, that I wonder if I will be able to get pregnant again, of if all it will ever be, is just a dream. Then - I thought about my grief. My grief over the child that I had, that I can no longer touch, and hold. I will never be able to kiss him to sleep, or wipe away his tears. I will not see his precious smile or hear his sweet voice. I am sad to realize, that in my lifetime on Earth, I have been denied those simple things that so many parents take for granted. It is in those moments that I can't imagine having another child, because I want Carter. I always said, that Brennon and I would be happy with just one child, even when I had always desired a house full of children, but with all of the difficulties and expensive treatments, I was completely happy with just one child. How pumped I was when I found out I was pregnant... that I said, I was so thankful that I would never have to have timed intercourse again. My family would be complete.
There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the Earth: A right time for birth and another for death, a right time to plant and another to reap, a right time to kill and another to heal, a right time to destroy and another to construct, a right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to love and another to abstain, a right time to embrace, and another to part, a right time to search and another to count your losses, a right time to hold on and another to let go, a right time to rip out and another to mend, a right time to shut up and another to speak up, a right time to love and another to hate, a right time to rage war and another to make peace. Ecclesiastes 3: 2-8Everyday, I read my message from God on Facebook, and today, I felt the need to share it. "If you try to live counter to your personal rhythms, you will expand more time and energy to get things done. Body and soul suffer when you force yourself to wrestle against your own rhythms. Listen to your own rhythms and follow them."
Good Advice - I think I should remember that - especially tonight. Tonight, I feel defeated. I can not stop crying. I have so many emotions that I can't control. Most days, I am just fine. I feel good. I rejoice in God's Love and I find that I have strength to make it through the day. This afternoon, as I was reading my email, I remembered my desire to be a parent, a parent to a child here on earth. Out of nowhere, I had a feeling of overwhelming need, a need for my family. I honestly felt scared, and still feel scared. I have struggled for so long with infertility, that I wonder if I will be able to get pregnant again, of if all it will ever be, is just a dream. Then - I thought about my grief. My grief over the child that I had, that I can no longer touch, and hold. I will never be able to kiss him to sleep, or wipe away his tears. I will not see his precious smile or hear his sweet voice. I am sad to realize, that in my lifetime on Earth, I have been denied those simple things that so many parents take for granted. It is in those moments that I can't imagine having another child, because I want Carter. I always said, that Brennon and I would be happy with just one child, even when I had always desired a house full of children, but with all of the difficulties and expensive treatments, I was completely happy with just one child. How pumped I was when I found out I was pregnant... that I said, I was so thankful that I would never have to have timed intercourse again. My family would be complete.
Now, we find ourselves praying to God that this not be the end for our family, that we be allowed to be a parent to a child on Earth. Not a replacement child, but a sibling for Carter. We will always love and honor our child in Heaven - but continue to pray to God, that He will bless us with our deepest desires.
And I must remember, everything has a purpose under God. Even if we have a hard time understanding what that purpose is. My continued struggle is with control. Somedays, I get so worked up in what my plan for my life is, that I forget what God's plan for me is. There is a time for everything under God, and if it is not happening, it is not time. I remember in those few weeks after Carter was born, I had a friend and co-worker email me about these very feelings. She reminded me that there were times in her life where there was test after test of her faith, and that she just felt she couldn't take much more, she mentioned that at those times, her cup felt very empty, she just couldn't handle anymore. She said a friend suggested, it is in those moments that her cup was in the best position to be filled up. She also suggested that my cup needed emptied, to make room for what God wants. I remember this often. Many times, like tonight when I am feeling defeated and questioning God's plan. I revert back to my email and read it again. It is just so hard to deal with the idea that we may never have a child to share life with on Earth.
As I read, what I have wrote, I feel relief. I feel peace and a strength that I didn't possess an hour ago. I must continue to share. I was so stressed out about my upcoming doctor appointment, and my health, and our future, that I forgot to keep the faith, and allow my faith to be stronger then my fear. I do trust in God - He has never failed me. Thank you for allowing me to share my story, so that I could remember what is truly important. FAITH - HOPE - LOVE - I am thankful that I possess all three.
Please realize that what I wrote above are my raw emotions. Many of things that I blog about are very hard to share. I have put our feelings out there for everyone to read, and not only our feelings, but our deepest desires. I do this, because I continue to feel as though I am supposed to share my life and my journey. The good and the bad, the blessings and the struggles. This is a part of my story. I hope that my blog will encourage and inspire others to follow their dreams, to never give up, and to realize that even though life tests us at times, with strong family, strong friends, and strong faith, anything is possible.
Please do not take life and those in it for granted. I have said it before and I will say it again - LIFE IS TO SHORT! Always, remember to say what you truly feel. Share your feelings with those you care about and do not allow your fear to hold you back. For the only things in life that you regret, are the things that you did not say, and things you were to scared to try. Do not allow others to hold you back, do not allow others to make you feel inferior, or say that you are not good enough. God loves us for our imperfections. We are perfectly made by Him. For nothing in God's world happens by mistake. Follow your heart and Trust in God! I love you!
Please realize that what I wrote above are my raw emotions. Many of things that I blog about are very hard to share. I have put our feelings out there for everyone to read, and not only our feelings, but our deepest desires. I do this, because I continue to feel as though I am supposed to share my life and my journey. The good and the bad, the blessings and the struggles. This is a part of my story. I hope that my blog will encourage and inspire others to follow their dreams, to never give up, and to realize that even though life tests us at times, with strong family, strong friends, and strong faith, anything is possible.
Please do not take life and those in it for granted. I have said it before and I will say it again - LIFE IS TO SHORT! Always, remember to say what you truly feel. Share your feelings with those you care about and do not allow your fear to hold you back. For the only things in life that you regret, are the things that you did not say, and things you were to scared to try. Do not allow others to hold you back, do not allow others to make you feel inferior, or say that you are not good enough. God loves us for our imperfections. We are perfectly made by Him. For nothing in God's world happens by mistake. Follow your heart and Trust in God! I love you!
God Bless - Melissa
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