The Twins are Here!

Baby B - Kaleb McCloud Zellmer - 12:43 pm 

Welcome to Our Wonderful World!

Jase Anderson Zellmer and 
Kaleb McCloud Zellmer

Baby A - Jase Anderson Zellmer - 12:29 pm

Happy Birthday!
September 3, 2013



BABY A  - Jase's Story

Jase Anderson Zellmer was born on 9/3/13 at 12:29 pm.  From the very moment we had entered the hospital the week before, the ultrasound showed that he was breech and entering my birth canal.  The doctor's told Brennon and I that he would not be able to switch the head down position for birth.  Because I was not 24 weeks yet, I was told that the doctors would not do a C-Section. They did tell me that when Jase was born, due to his size  - my body may not have dilated fully therefore, breech, his head would be stuck in the cervix and he would suffocate.  I continued to be told that this was the likely outcome.  On the day of birth, the doctor came in to my room around 10 am.  I knew that I was again beginning labor.  He asked me why we weren't doing a c-section for me and I responded that no one had given me that option as I was not yet 24 weeks.  He asked me about my NICU plan and I told him that although, I did not want my baby to suffer, I did want them to try and do what was possible for him to be intubated.  The first step would for them to have beating hearts.  The second step to overcome would be for them to be able to get the tiny breathing tube past his vocal cords and to his lungs and the third step would be for his lungs to be mature enough to support the vital organs.  The doctor told us that if NICU believed that there was a chance for viability he would be in support of the c-section. I told him I wanted to talk to NICU, have another ultrasound and then Brennon and I would make further decisions.  We met with the NICU doctor first, who although said that there was a slim chance babies would make it they would do everything possible at the parents request at 23 weeks.  There I had my answer.  Next for the ultrasound.  The tech was busy taking pictures of our babies.  Baby B now head down.  She checked on Jase.  Jase who was breech.   I heard her say - Baby A presenting vertex.  PRESENTING VERTEX - did I hear her say that correctly?  That is baby presenting head down.  The doctor looked at the tech and said are you talking about baby A?  The answer was no, Jase was no longer breech in my cervix.  The medically impossible had happened.  I remember crying and squeezing Brennon's hand thanking God once again for his miracle.    I wish you could have seen the relief as everyone gasped and the look on the doctor's face when the announcement was made.  The perinotologist and OB talked about the plan when the perinotologist asked at 12:15p,  "What are we doing here?  This girl is in labor!" I was rushed to OR where I took one glance around the room in anxious preparation.  The entire time praying that God has brought me to this point, that no matter what happened, he would bring me through.  I was praying that I would be able to deliver my boys with no complications.  The room seemed packed.  Not only was their my team of doctors and nurses and anesthesiologist, but also a team for each baby.  I remember preparing to push and I remember pushing.  I remember the sound of Jase being born but no cry.  I saw the hand off and we waited.  I remember the minutes seemed like hours, as I wondered if they were able to intubate Jase.  Our plan was deliver Jase and to cut the cord and wait, attempting to keep Kaleb in the womb - hours or even days, allowing him to grow more.

BABY B  - Kaleb's Story
This is where Kaleb's story of birth begins.  A few minutes after Jase was born, I heard the words, "Baby B's heartbeat is dropping.  We have to deliver the baby." My heart dropped and I began to pray for Kaleb.  The baby that I already loved so much.  I remember looking up at Brennon and seeing the  my fear mirrored in his eyes.  I remember praying out loud and asking God, "Why is this happening to us God?"  The doctor broke my water and I prepared to push.  As we began the process, I picked up bits and pieces of the the doctor's talking.  "He is coming out sideways.  I am going to have to push him back in."  I felt the OB try to turn the baby and then I began to push.  Where I was told to stop and the doctor attempted to turn Kaleb for the second time.  I remember the pain being pretty intense when trying to turn Kaleb.  After attempting to turn Kaleb a third time, it was decided that a emergency c-section was needed.  I remember the doctor yelling to get Brennon out of the OR.  I remember the doctor yelling, "Put her out now."  I remember the mask being put over my face and myself turning to the nurse on my right, and promptly saying, "I think the IV in my vein just blew."  While I was asleep, Kaleb was born via c-section at 12:43 pm on September 3, 2013.

I remember waking up in recovery.  I remember looking around the room wondering where I was.  I asked for a drink of water and I saw a familiar face.  It was the same nurse that I had had in recovery when I had my cerclage placed.  I remember looking at her - to afraid to ask about my babies, and scared to death of the answer that she would give me.  I knew it would be okay when I saw her smile.  She wouldn't be smiling if I was waking up to bad news.  I heard the words I was waiting for, "Congratulations, your babies are in the NICU."  Not baby but babies… both of my children had been intubated, they had beating hearts, and by the grace of God - My babies were alive.  I was taken upstairs, where I saw a very tired Brennon with a very happy look on his face. After 8 days of hospital bed rest,  I was able to take a shower and brush my hair.  The most exciting part of the day… I was able to go and see my boys.

I can't begin to tell you the emotions that I felt when I saw my tiny babies, hooked to a ventilator, eyes still closed and hooked to machines.  I remember thanking God for these tiny miracles and that for once I was able to look at my babies alive and breathing.  Kaleb so bruised from his entrance into this world.  Both babies so small but so perfect. Jase weighed 1 lb 2.7 oz and Kaleb weighed 1 lb 3.6 oz - I can't help but stare.  My babies are beautiful.  Brennon and I looked at each other - Our lives will never be the same again.  This is just another step in our journey….

OUR STORY IS TO BE CONTINUED!

Week #32, #33, #34 of 2013

Here is a short update on my life….. It really is hard to type when I am lying down.  Let me explain -

Week #32 -   I went to the doctor on August 13th.  Bad News Tuesday - They told me that in just 2 weeks my cervix was funneling.  See, I  should have begged harder to be seen last week! Thankfully the stitch was holding, but baby A was head down and his head was against the cerclage.  I was sent home on strict bed rest.  I am so scared.  I can do this - I will do whatever it takes to keep the babies inside.  It has been really hard to blog while on bed rest - let me say there was nothing interesting going on… Some Criminal Minds, What Not to Wear and my NOOK.

Week #33 - This week I am 21 weeks pregnant:  August 21, 2013 - Today is Carter's birthday.  My family has stopped by and brought pizza and cake.  IT really is hard to eat lying down, but I am doing it.  I have limited my time up to going to the bathroom and 5 minute showers every other day.  How I miss my Carter baby and I feel extremely uncomfortable this week.  I wish I didn't live so far away from the hospital!  Very thankful that I go to the doctor on Monday.  One year ago today, Carter was born at 21 weeks 4 days - Today the twins gestation is 21 weeks 4 days.  Happy Birthday Carter - WE LOVE YOU.  Watch over your brothers for me please!  WOW it is hard to type like this!

Week #34 - Today, August 26th, I have a lot of anxiety.  I am now 22 to weeks pregnant and scared senseless.  Every feeling, every symptom I question and I although google can sometimes be helpful, now it just makes me anxious as I worry about preterm labor.  I am in the hospital - on hospital bed rest.  After my appointment, it was noted that my cervix was contracting and funneling past the stitch and sent directly to the hospital.  It turns out all of those uncomfortable feelings that I felt on Carter's birthday were contractions and I have been having them ever since.  I am measuring 34 weeks pregnant.  UGH - I guess I won't be blogging much - just praying!  Two weeks until viability - I CAN DO THIS - I WILL DO THIS!

Until Next Time Friends - Thank you for your continual prayers and support!

Thought for Week #31 of 2013

I think I should start the week off with my thought for the week.... "Thank God for what He has done. Thank God that He can turn any situation around. Create a new vision of victory."  Thank you Joel Osteen for my thought for the week.  Once again very appropriate when I am feeling down and worried.  I don't know why I worry so much - I AM NOT IN CONTROL!  I can only do my part to keep these babies safe and trust in God that He will take care of us all.  We continue to pray that He allows Brennon and I to be the parents that we are excited to be.

I am again reminded again this week how high risk my pregnancy really is.  I am 19 weeks and will be 20 weeks pregnant on Saturday.  I am currently measuring 26 weeks with my boys.  I went to the doctor last week, and my cervix continues to be holding with the help of my cerclage.  My doctor did report that I have a week off and don't have to go back to the doctor until August 13th.  After a panic moment, I begged (yep, in this pregnancy, I have started to beg) to be seen.  The doctor honestly told me, she couldn't justify seeing me this week, as my cervix is doing well.  Thankfully, she did tell me that if I need reassured, to call and she would either talk to me or see me.  That does help.  I know that each weekly appointment is expensive for my checkbook, and that she is really busy helping mom's with more complications then me, but I really do enjoy my weekly appointments - and the piece of mind that it gives me.  SO, in the meantime, I will continue to pray.  I know that God has a plan for us and I continue to choose faith over worry.  My next appointment will be the anatomy scan for the twins.  I am excited for my long ultrasound and to see in detail my baby boys!  My boys are becoming more active.  I first felt them move around 17 weeks, but as they position myself on my bladder and in my spine, I haven't felt them as much in the last couple weeks.  I know in the weeks ahead I will be feeling their soccer kicks more and more.  Baby A is head down and on my right and Baby B is head down and on my left.  They continue to be active in my belly - although, Baby A continues to show off more then his brother does.  I am excited for their birth in 16 weeks or so, when I can truly begin to learn their personalities.

I was talking to Brennon yesterday about how isolated I feel.  Being isolated in my home really does affect my personality.  I never realized how hard this would be.  Not so hard physically but emotionally.  It is extremely difficult to choose to be home and laying down -  when I would love to be up and enjoying the summer weather and activities, like my family and friends do.  I have to do what is best for my boys and believe me I will always sacrifice for them.  When I am off work, I am laying down.  I do allow myself small activities outside of the home on the weekends - but I can't shop, I can't go for a walk.  I  am allowed a few moments in a restuarant for a bite to eat or to go to to the office  to keep up with my work.  I promise you, I am not depressed - I am just bored.  I am thankful for the family that comes and visits me but I really do miss my life.  I guess I really should be thankful that I am not on strict bedrest where I can only get up to use the restroom or even worse hospital bed rest where my activities are really restricted. It is times like this where I really wish that I was normal, with a normal pregnancy.... but then that would be boring right?  I have lots of time to be busy when these babies are born.  I do wish I was independently wealthy - that way I could put myself on modified bed rest and  have some peace of mind.

Speaking of choosing faith over worry - Carter's birthday is in 2 short weeks.  The closer we get to his birthday the more worried I become.  I become anxious with each day.  On Carter's birthday, these babies will be the same age as he was when he was born.  It makes me question every decision I make, and second guess every activity I attend.  This week I had some changes in my symptoms, that of course I worried about.   I find myself panicking over every pregnancy system that is different then before, and sometimes I freak out over symptoms that a normal pregnant women would never question.   I find that prayer has been my only refuge.  I pray for a healthy pregnancy.  When I think back to where I was a year ago, I can't believe that I survived that intense grief!  BUT, I did survive and my faith is stronger because of the love that Carter taught me.  I knew when Brennon and I decided that we would try again that there would be moments of happiness, moments of tears, moments of joy and moments of worry.  We had to transfer all of those feelings into trust in our God, the creator of life. And it is to Him I pray that he allows these boys a long, happy life with 2 parents who would do anything to keep them safe.

Alright - so enough rambling about my feelings!  Brennon and I will do WHATEVER it takes to keep these babies safe!  So, this is my update for the week.  Not exciting I know! I am hoping to have a fun Zellmer update next week.

 Please continue to keep us in your prayers.   As for Brennon and I - We will choose faith over worry (and continue to pray, when worrying seems easier).  We will have a great week!

Love, Melissa

Thought for Week #29 and #30 of 2013!

Wow!  Can you believe that August is at the end of the week?  Where does the time go.  At the end of this week I will be 19 weeks pregnant.  It really doesn't seem possible that I am halfway though the first and easiest part of my pregnancy.  With saying that, I have realized that I truly am slacking on my blogging experience.  I can only imagine what it will be like once these babies have arrived.  Here is what's new in the Zellmer World!

Week #29 -   During the past week - We did the great reveal!  And as most of you know the babies are BOYS!  I jokingly told Brennon that if we were going to try again to have a girl - we were going to adopt, as I didn't think I could ride this roller coaster again.  Although, I have also said that we will never again decide how many children we will have, but take as many children as God blesses us with.  (Watch out Duggers - Here come the Zellmer's) - AHH really, I am to old for that.  :)

I was pumped that I was able to see so many family members during that weekend for the great reveal.  It really do appreciate all the support from my family and it helps to see everyone when I am  no longer able to travel long distances.  I had a great time!

I continue to have weekly appointments with Dr Drake.  I will have to tell you that I have had some stressful moments during this last week.  I was supposed to go to the doctor on Thursday.  AND, by Wednesday, I couldn't handle it anymore.  (WARNING - TMI AHEAD)  Skip over this paragraph if you need too.  The UTI medicine wasn't working and Wednesday morning, I had projectile vomit all over the bathroom.  Ceiling, Walls, Bathtub, Floor and Toilet... there was no way I could control the amount of vomit that was exiting my body.  Here I was 5 minutes before I was to leave to work, on the bathroom floor, crying and cleaning up puke.  While Brennon stood in the doorway holding a garbage bag while I tossed towels in.  Following that, I was miserable.  I actually wondered if I was having complications with the cerclage - I couldn't even sit correctly - A follow up phone call to the doctor's office and they said I could come right up.  I was convinced the whole way to Des Moines that I would receive bad news.  So much for a positive attitude! An ultrasound reported that my cervical length was 3.6 - WOOHOO - Not the 4.6 I had hopped for, but I had only lost a cm.  So the babies were good, the cervix was good - what the heck was wrong.  Yep, I was told that I didn't have a UTI.  HMMMM - This all means to me that I should be feeling healthy - Right?  Well - after an exam, they found that the lovely fishing wire cerclage had buried into my flesh on the inside.  She went into to trim it and I promise I came off the table, and Brennon just stared at me.  Instant relief.  I do remember the rest of the week just feeling off, I am pretty sure I had anxiety most of the weekend.

And here we are at Monday #30 - Last week was pretty unenventful!  I went to the doctor with a cervix length of 4.7 - I was so confused, I lost a cm last week, but gained again this week.  I was told that some ultrasound techs go from tip to tip and let the computer measure, and she actually measures along the curve of the cervix.  That is what varies the length.  Overall, my cervix hasn't changed since my surgery.  I find this interesting, so I just had to share.  I did find out that I am measuring at 24 weeks.

I find that the symptom train showed back up.   I am exhausted. I feel like I am in my first trimester all over again and all I want to do is sleep.  My lower back hurts, my stomach throws my balance off, vertigo showed back up, and I am perfectly happy that my babies are healthy.  I do remember praying for healthy family and reminding God that I would be sick every day of this pregnancy just to have a healthy full-term baby!  

Lately, I find that every breath is a prayer.  I wake every morning to thank God for my babies and then to pray that they are healthy and that my body continues to be strong enough to carry them.  I ask God to take care of them and allow me the chance to be a good mother.  To teach them all of the important things in life.  I remember a quote I kept after Carter was born - It went "Dear God, I wanted to hold my little one in my arms and tell him about You.  Since I can't, will You hold my little one and tell him about me?"  That quote still make me cry.  I know that God is in control, why do we as humans find it so hard to relinquish control?  I had someone tell me Friday that worrying is also a sin.  I now have tried to remind myself of that as well, and to enjoy my pregnancy.  For I am truly blessed.

So I will continue to have faith - because as I remind myself daily - I have no control over this pregnancy.  I can only do my part, which leaves me on modified bed rest and eating as healthy as I can. I am not God, and I can't see the future, therefore I must continue to pray and trust.  Please continue to keep us in your prayers.  Our precious boys and my body's ability to carry them.  

Have a great week!  Melissa

Thought for Week #26, #27 and #28 of 2013 :)

I guess I am behind again. I have so much to write about, but not enough patience to sit down and write.  Because of this, here I am writing for 3 weeks.   Even though I am late on my weekly blog, I realized today that I really needed to write.  I need a little relaxation and time to put things into perspective and I guess this will be my way to do it.  

Today, I am frustrated.  I hate it when what I have to give isn't enough.  I really do feel like I am pulled in so many directions.  I have so many things on my plate right now and no matter what I do - it doesn't seem to be good enough.  Why can't it be easier?  I wish I could skip ahead a few weeks (or even a few months) just so I can know that everything will work out.  How can I tell others to trust in God, to have faith, and yet I question every decision.  I pray and pray and still I am not sure that my prayers will be answered.  Honestly,  I prayed for the safety of Carter and I lost him - what's to keep me from loosing these children too?  I am 16 weeks pregnant this week, measuring 18 or 19 weeks AND I am scared.  The closer that I get to August, the more panicky I get.  I don't know how to help others understand what I am feeling.  I am not meaning to be bitchy.  I am trying really hard to act like myself, like nothing is bothering me and yet everyday I wake up wondering if today will be the day that I say goodbye.   I say my prayers every morning with the intention of leaving all of my fears with God - but somehow, I come home from work, to lie in bed for the rest of the evening, worrying and wondering what the next day will bring.

Even as I write that, I feel guilty - Once again I find myself questioning God's plan and what is ahead for us.  I knew in January when I chose my New Year's Resolution, to trust in God and his plan for my life, that there would be difficult moments where I would question Him.  Deep down, I know that He won't leave me, and no matter what is ahead, He will provide for us.  Joel Osteen posted a message on facebook this weekend that I really liked.  It said, "The truth is, somebody in this world would gladly trade places with you.  Take time to thank God for your family, your friends, your health and the opportunities that He has provided you."  I really do like that - it really does make me realize that although times are tough right now - I have a lot to be thankful for!

And, with tears running down my face, I promise that I will continue to be a fighter, to take care of myself, my husband and my babies, while juggling my daily duties.  I will continue to make each day count.  If you see me in the days ahead, with a frown on my face. Please remind me of all the the good in my life, to put my struggles behind me - and to remember that  am not in control.  I have to let go and let God!  (See all my weekly thoughts for the last 28 weeks are coming into play!)

It worked - writing about it, thinking about and praying about it has helped.  I am ready to talk about my last 3 weeks in review.  What a crazy 3 weeks it has been :)  Here is my life in review....

Week #26 - I had surgery.  I will tell you that this experience was not at all what I expected.  I wasn't nervous for the procedure, I trusted and still trust my high risk doctor, but it really wasn't how I thought it would be.  I had to be at Iowa Methodist at 5 am, where I was registered and taken to pre-op.  I will tell you, I looked great in the gown and booties.  I really do think it should be my new look.  OB came down to get the babies heart tones, I met with the anisteologist, and had last minute instructions from Dr Drake.  I am not sure what I expected, but was rolled down to the operating room at 7am.  I had a spinal - which I really thought would hurt, but honestly it hurt less then the IV.  I felt a warm sensation and my legs went numb.  I remember hitting them and laughing at the sound, but not being able to feel anything.  At 7:15 am, Dr Drake scrubbed in, and I laid back to 7 people running around the operating room while I watched and wondered what was happening under that big blue sheet.  And at 7:30 am, they showed me what the surgical stitch looked like... Just a thin fishing wire looking thing holding these babies inside of me.  7:35, I was rolled into recovery - where they thought I would regain feeling in an hour or two.... HMMM - That didn't work.   They had a difficult time finding heart tones for the babies, so Dr Drake ordered a portable ultrasound to check on the babies.  I asked about gender and she told me, although would not confirm until the next ultrasound on July 3rd. At 11 am they finally allowed Brennon to come hang out.  And I was able to tell him the unconfirmed gender of our babies.  I kinda felt bad, with both Carter and these babies, he showed up to late for the big reveal.  I realized I was able to see all parts of a recovery room for a very long time.  I was FINALLY able to leave Methodist at 2:30 pm :)  I was able to come home to bed rest.... for the rest of the week and part of the following week, I was on bed rest.  I really don't have much else to say about this week, except, I really am not sure how people handle day time television.  I did however watch the George Zimmerman trial and wondered where the prosecution had built their case.  I am so thankful for the friends and family that visited, brought food, and just helped me adjust to staying in bed, when I am so used to being on the go.

Week #27 - Bed Rest, Ultrasound and the 4th of July!  During the beginning of this week, I was still on bed rest, but I was able to take showers that lasted more then a few minutes.  I continued to watch the George ZImmerman trial ( Yippeee - and if you didn't get that - there was some sarcasm at the fact that it was the only thing on.)  Brennon continued to be a rockstar, taking over the duties of our house, Summer and Holly were great helping me at work, and I continued to lay flat.  July 3rd, we had a follow up for my surgery.  An ultrasound of my cervix showed a good length of 4.6 cm and an ultrasound of the babies confirmed their gender.  Brennon and I both decided to keep it a secret for a little while - so we could share the excitement together. I was released back to work with limited restrictions.  I was able to attend the parade on Thursday, grab a bite to eat and then off to bed I went.  I also was able to make a trip to Wal-Mart and snuck in some purchases for our babies.

Week #28 - This week was miserable!  The symptom train from surgery started to show up.  Feeling miserable I finally called the doctor on Thursday... A trip to GRMC to have a urine analysis confirmed a UTI (sorry - TMI) They faxed the results to Des Moines and I was able to take medication starting Friday night.  Thankfully they allowed me to do it at the lab here versus driving to Des Moines to urinate :) My belly is stretching, I swear I can feel the cerclage and my UTI is out of control.  Here it is the following Wednesday and I am still not feeling much relief.  Thankfully I have an upcoming appointment on Thursday 18th - we can finally figure out what is up.  For the rest of the week, I have planned a gender reveal party, found the cribs we want for the babies, and ordered the bedding.  We are moving forward.

This brings me to my thought for this week.   I Will Continue to Trust in God.  I am so thankful for all that I have been blessed with.  God please forgive me for doubting and questioning you.  This week, both Brennon and I are nervous about our upcoming doctor appointment and ultrasound.  Praying for very little changes to my cervix, no complications and healthy babies.  If you have a moment, Brennon and I would sure appreciate extra prayers.  We appreciate every one!

Have a good week!  Melissa

Thought for Week #24 and Week #25 of 2013!

Here I go again - Writing for 2 weeks at a time because I am always exhausted... or maybe just lazy?  I will stick with exhausted - it sounds better then saying that I may or may not be lazy.

We have had a busy day... week.... life!  We seem to be busy, but yet, I feel like we really haven't done much.  Brennon has been busy with projects around the house, and I have been busy staying as stress-free as possible.  :)  These babies haven't been born yet and they already have us wrapped around their tiny fingers with their tiny fingernails - just beginning to grow this week.

Our babies did meet the 12 week mark last Saturday - Week #24.  I can only imagine how much they are growing.  As last week came to an end, I was reminded again how much these babies are making me ill.  I am pretty sure that morning sickness is supposed to be gone at the end of the first trimester - and here it is just showing up.  I have had horrible vertigo this week.  It makes me extremely nervous to drive out of town. Sorry Brennon, I guess you will continue to be my chauffeur.  

And here we are - Week #13 - Today, I had my 2nd appointment with the perinotologist in Des Moines for my pre-op appointment.  I am beginning to wonder if we should just move to Des Moines for the next 6 months.  We heard both babies heartbeats on the hand-held doppler today.  I also heard a lot of gas gurgling around in my belly.  Yes - because now, not only do I have vertigo but I have NOT  had a satisfying bowel movement in 3 days. (Thanks for Sharing Right? - SORRY) The gurgling was louder then their sweet little heartbeats!   Speaking of heartbeats, and not constipation - they continue to be in the 150 - 160 beats per minute range. WOHOO - My intuition still tells me that we will be blessed with one of each - but I have been surprised before and we will be happy with 2 very healthy babies. I was hoping for more pictures today - but will gladly wait until our next appointment on July 3rd, because it means that the babies heartbeats are healthy and we didn't need a picture.  And hopefully the babies will cooperate and we will know gender in just a few short weeks!

Tomorrow night, we will head to Des Moines.  We have decided to go out to dinner and to stay in a hotel before surgery.  I am hoping for a 7 am surgery time on Wednesday, but will know more tomorrow.  I will say, as it gets closer, the more nervous I get.   I am not nervous for me - but for the safety of the twins.  I wish that we could skip right over the next few weeks, right to 28 weeks.  Today, I am measuring 15 weeks pregnant - which I am told is great for carrying twins.  I also have been following my diet and lost 3 lbs.  Before you tell me that I am not supposed to loose weight in pregnancy - I will tell you that it is alright if I do.  During this pregnancy, I am to only gain 25 lbs.  Since that is what  a woman usually gains with 1 baby - I have to gain that with 2 babies.  I actually feel so much better following the diet without extra sugar, sodium or fat.  Who knew that was the secret to loosing weight? :) HA HA 

So - Wednesday is the cerclage surgery.  They are going to place a stitch in my cervix to help support the weight of the growing babies.  I continue to state that I will do anything to assist in their safety.  This week, I have thought a lot about Carter.  Because my due date is the same, where I am with these babies, was exactly where I was last year in my pregnancy with Carter.  I found myself with tears running down my face today, as I realized the seriousness of our situation and how difficult it is to carry one child with an incompetent cervix, and we are doing everything we can to carry 2.  I miss my Carter, and even though, I have my faith, my family, amazing doctors, and friends all in our corner, there is still a part of me that has doubts - that says "What IF?"  There are times that I am overwhelmed by the emotions of everything that has happened during the last year.  Sometimes, I wonder if I am strong enough, to put my fears behind me,  to remember that my faith is my fear that has said it's prayers.  I remind myself that fear is a dead end - but with faith, our future will be great.

So here is my THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK - I continue to thank God every day for the blessings that we have been blessed with.  I do know that I would not be where I am today without that continued faith.  I saw a picture on Facebook today that said,  "God has a perfect plan for us.  He never does it all at once, but step by step, because He wants to teach us to 'Walk by Faith' and not by sight."  What a perfect thought for this week.  I will put my fear behind me, every doubt and every misfortune and I will walk by faith.

So, that is my story for the week - Des Moines tomorrow, Surgery Wednesday, Strict Bed Rest on Thursday and Friday, and hopefully will be able to start moving around again this weekend.  I will be ready to sit in the sun this weekend - so rain, please stay away!  I again want to thank you for the continued thoughts, prayers and love that you continue to bless Brennon and myself with.  Life is Amazing - Please remember to thank God for the blessings in your life.  I will walk with faith this week AND, if you are not busy,  I am always looking for someone to walk with me!  

See you next week!  Love, Melissa

Thought for Week #21 AND Weeks #22 and #23 of 2013 :)

A LITTLE LATE?  NOPE... A LOT LATE!  I suppose this means that I have to write 3 weeks in a row.  I am up early this morning.  The pregnancy train is chugging at me full force this morning.  I have already taken my medicine, made some decaf coffee, laid back down and dry heaved all over the bathroom.  Interesting day so far... 

On another note, I think I have to apologize for my horrible follow through when it comes to this blog.  I write for myself mostly.  I find it funny to believe that nothing ever changes, but when I look back over the weeks, everything changes.  I also write for my readers.  It amazes me how many views I get each week, and the emails from people I don't know, that are inspired by our story.  That being said, I really believe that I have to continue this blog experience.  BUT - Honestly, I am truly considering changing my weekly blog day to a day that is not Monday.  I am so exhausted by the time I get home at night, I can barely keep my eyes open - let alone, think about what I am going to write about it.  I guess we will see!  In the meantime - Let me   talk about my week in review -- okay my 3 weeks in review.

BABY - BABY - There's 2!

Week #9 - We had an ultrasound this week!  It continues to amaze me the growth between 7 weeks and 9 weeks.  I love seeing the babies at 7 weeks and hearing their tiny heartbeats.  And then at 9 weeks to see them moving and wiggling and their tiny arms and legs are forming.  The miracle never ceases to amaze me!  Baby A was always moving.  I find myself calling Baby A she.  So, I will -  until I find out the sex of the babies.  She was wiggling and moving.  We saw her little heartbeat at 161 per minute.  Baby B - I find myself calling Baby B he.  He was more laid back.  Not moving much at the time, but his heart beating away at 166 beats per minute.  I believe that Carter's heartbeat was 164 at this ultrasound.  Our ultrasound tech stated she was betting on a boy and a girl for us.  We promised that we would keep her up to date when we found out.

Friday, was a little scarier.  Everything was fine until I went to the bathroom and saw some discharge streaked with yellow!!!!  The emotions that I felt were indescribable.  I am sorry if this was to TMI :)  It brought me right back to the week prior to Carter being born and the signs of loosing my mucus plug.  Now, granted, I am only 10 weeks pregnant, but those feelings came back and my heart dropped. I called my doctor that just discharged me the day before - yep, he was on vacation in Hawaii.  And the no one answered the nurse line.  So I called Dr Lehman - yep, she was out until Tuesday.  Darn my luck, everytime I feel that I need to talk to my doctor, they are on vacation.  I talked to the triage nurse, who spoke to that doctor.  Take it easy.  If the discharge continues call and I could come in Monday.

Week #10 - Thankfully no more discharge!  And this is the week, that I was able to see Dr Lehman.  Don't worry - I made her check my cervix.  Even though, I know at 10 weeks, there is nothing they can do to save the babies, I needed piece of mind. I also know that if I miscarriage now it is because of the babies having a chromosomal problem not because of my body's ability to carry them.  But, I still needed piece of mind.  I am so thankful for my doctor.  She does whatever it takes to make me feel comfortable.  This included discussing the symptom train that seems to be a little worse with twins.  I love being pregnant, and I will be sick every day of this pregnancy if it means a healthy pregnancy for 2 precious babies.

And here we are at Week #11.  It continues to amaze me that this trimester is coming to and end.  I always heard moms say that the 2nd trimester was the easiest.  The first one, was a lot of hormonal changes, morning sickness and fatigue and that the 3rd trimester was filled with heartburn, uncomfortable positions and the inability to sleep.  But let me tell you, if I could skip right over the 2nd trimester and into the 3rd - I would in a heartbeat.  For me, the girl with the incompetent cervix, the 2nd trimester is the riskest time of pregnancy... the absolute scariest.  See the problem with an incompetent cervix is, there is no warning, there is no preterm labor, there are no signs.  There is only the moment that it happens. This is the trimester, that I know that my faith must be stronger then my fear.  I continue to believe that God is with me and these babies, and that my faith will carry me.  And, I continue to tell Him how scared I am.  And I continue to believe in my heart that good things await Brennon and I.

SO today, I am off work- and I am heading to Des Moines to meet with the perinatologist!  The high risk doctor, that will give me an ultrasound and a plan for the safety of my family.  I am excited for an ultrasound, and I am nervous for the plan.  But I will do what it takes to keep everyone safe.  The plan will involve surgery and a cerclage placed on my cervix to provide more support with the weight of these growing babies.....  I have been ready for this plan since I found out I was pregnant!

WHAT ELSE IS GOING ON?  My life is actually kinda boring right now - AND, I am completely okay with that.  Here is my weeks in review.

LOVE - My moodiness has got to be difficult to love.  I know this, and I am absolutely positive that Brennon knows this.  During the last few weeks, I have been taking it easy - which is not really that easy.  I haven't wanted to put extra strain or stress on my body, so my routine has pretty much been work, couch, bed.  Brennon has been a rockstar.  I know that he wants me to relax as much as possible, so he has taken over all of the household chores (except paying the bills - we're not there yet - :)  He does the laundry, cooks supper, cleans, mows, does yard work and is currently building a deck.  I appreciate him so much and I love what he is doing, but I think I miss it.  I miss the teamwork that we had doing things together.  I do have to say, Brennon is the best husband.  And even when I am moody, and forget to show my appreciation.... I know that I have it made!

FAMILY -   I have been able to see lots of family during the last few weeks.  On Memorial Day weekend, we spent our time with family.  I even went to Fairfield and picked up a sweet little puppy for my aunt and uncle... and everyone made their way to Iowa for the weekend.  It was great...exhausting but great.  Lots of food, lots of family and lots of love.

FRIENDS - We have also had some good times with friends.  We were able to have breakfast with Mike and Callie - we were able to see the Emily Turner and we were able to spend time with Evan while Larry and Summer were on vacation.  How much fun it would be to go to Jamaica?!  Although, I have decided that we may not be taking any vacations besides possibly the Henry Doorly Zoo during the next few years.... another thing, I am completely fine with.  Oh and before I forget  - Happy Birthday Kelly Busch!  I haven't seen you much lately, and we haven't talked - but I thought about you yesterday and hope you had a wonderful day!

FAITH - My motto during the last few weeks... "Let my faith be stronger then my fear."  This really has helped me during the last few weeks.  Every time I have become discouraged, every time I have had a crazy symptom, or wondered about the future.... I am reminded that my God does not leave me.  What a wonderful thought for the week!  My Thought for the Week - "Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God who goes with you.  He will not leave you or forsake you."  Deuteronomy 31:6

I suppose that I should get up, off the computer and drag my pukey butt into the shower so we can leave for Des Moines.  I am only so excited about the traffic on I235 and the vertigo that is in full force this morning.  I can only imagine... Sorry B!  Anyway, praying for a great appointment - I will update you all later!  Have a wonderful and an absolutely blessed week!

I love you all - Melissa

Thought for Week #20....of 2013!

My Thought for This Week.... Carter is going to be a big brother!  

I have babies on the brain.  Which may be why I didn't post a blog last week!  I came home last week on Monday the 13th from a doctor's appointment in Des Moines - with the shocking, yet exciting news that we were having twins!

So here we go - all those weeks that I haven't posted anything....or very little.  Let me catch you up so far, beginning just 4 weeks ago!

Week 4 -  Although, I probably could have taken a pregnancy test at the beginning of the week - I thought that I would wait until my missed period.  I have a love/hate relationship with the pregnancy test.... as I love them when they are positive and dislike the rejection I feel when they are negative.  So, I waited - although there were no symptoms but random cramping - I had a few signs.... 2 days past my missed period and during the middle of the week was a positive pregnancy test on April 24, 2012.   I remember screaming to Brennon that it was positive, after having spent multiple minutes self- talking to myself about how to deal with it if it was negative.  Brennon ran into the living room and we stared at it.  I am pretty sure I didn't hug him - I just paced, and paced, and paced.  I was beyond excited, beyond happy, and beyond scared.  My first prayer was whispered to the heavens.. Please God keep this child safe and allow us to raise this precious miracle.  We drove to Des Moines 2 days later on Friday for a blood test - 521 and then again on Sunday April 28th (our Anniversary) to see our levels double to 1192.  WOO-HOO - we had a rockstar in my belly!

Week 5 -  Two words come to mind this week, vertigo and sinus infection.  Okay - so technically 3 words.  I was sick, sick and sick.  I believe that I tried everything from neti pots, to cough drops to onion sandwiches... 

This week, I couldn't help thinking about Carter.  He is our big boy - no longer the baby of our family.  He is a big brother.  

Week 6 - Saturday, the first day of week 6 AND I was still sick.  I remember after Carter was born, bargaining with God.  I remember praying for healthy baby and that I would take morning sickness everyday if it meant a healthy pregnancy.  I did not expect the head cold/chest congestion, phelgm puking, pea green diarrhea and the fact that I am anti - medication during pregnancy.  I will take morning sickness every day, but not this.  Although, I remember that God doesn't bargain... it really makes me laugh at His sense of humor when answering my prayers.

Let me tell you - - I sure hope those cough drops or vicks vapor rub didn't hurt my baby.  Not even wanting to admit my dreams that night were coughing attacks leading to a miscarriage.  I know crazy - and probably sharing to much... but I suppose all normal worries for a mom and a dad who have already said goodbye to our firstborn.

Anxiously awaiting our baby's first photo session scheduled for week #7 -  praying for strong heartbeat and a beautiful little blueberry.  

 #7 - I thought I had seen everything..... Really what more can shock me.  Let me tell you that I received the shock of a life time on Monday, May 13th and an awesome Mother's Day gift.  I was given the opportunity to see my babies.  Yes, you see I said it correctly we are having babies.  TWO BABIES!  This would explain the vertigo!  Both babies measuring 7 weeks and 1 day.  Baby #1 heartbeat was 123 and Baby #2 was 122.  Will we have a baby boy and a baby girl?

We are shocked and beyond excited.  I think I said 15 times in the ultrasound room.... "but I have an incompetent cervix."  I had a hard time keeping one baby inside and I have two babies to keep safe.  The thought was overwhelming.  I am not sure who felt more faint Brennon or myself.  I just remember repeating that phrase over and over.  The nurse smiled and said, "Well incompetent cervix or not - it doesn't change you have 2 babies."  Although we were shocked, I was reminded in that moment that I have to trust in God.  He will provide for us, and he will protect our children according to His will. Brennon drove home from our appointment... moments of silence, moments of sentences I am not sure what was said, and few moments of laughter, a shake of the head and realizing that we were looking at a picture of 2 babies.  Brennon looked at me and said, "We must have been praying on the same days - we both got our prayers answered because we each got a baby!"

And the funny thing - there was no fertility treatments - just some luck (or a miracle).  My old left ovary only working 20% of the time released 2 eggs this month - resulting in twins.  It amazes me that the same ovary that I had surgery on to remove a baseball size cyst and is barely working would release both eggs.

Here we are with week #8 - Anxiously waiting to have another peek at our babies next week.  Hoping and praying that everything looks great and we will be referred to our perintologist.  This way, we can come up with a plan for the safety of this pregnancy.  I am getting antsy thinking about our options and what cerclage they will choose.   I continue to pray that God helps the doctors to know best how to treat me and that I will be blessed with a long, boring pregnancy.  I am pretty pumped... Only a few more weeks and we will be able to have weekly ultrasounds.

I am finally getting used to the crazy pregnancy symptoms that I have this time, that I didn't experience with Carter.  I don't have morning sickness - I have the all day pukey feeling... but thankfully I don't throw up, and it is nothing I can't handle.  AND, I am always hungry - I guess that happens when I am feeding more then one.  I feel I have to be snacking all the time, and I am running out of healthy options that sound good!  I have finally came to accept my crazy mood swings (although, I am not sure Brennon has).  I have never experienced such intense feelings or hormones rocketing through my body.  Also, I am going to have to wrap this up soon, as I am rapidly approaching my 7 pm bedtime :)

I do have to add, today is May 21, 2013 - Carter is 9 months old today in Heaven.  Happy Birthday to my big boy! Daddy and Mommy Love YOU!

On another note....Here are some random Melissa and Brennon Pregnancy Facts

1.  We are pregnant - During Week 8 - Baby #1 and Baby #2 are each the size of a kidney bean and Carter is 9 months old.

2.  Most pregnant couples have 10-15 prenatal visits... The Zellmer Family will have  30-40....  :)

3.  We are now blessed with the best team of doctors!

4. Only 4-5 short weeks to surgery.  We are sewing these babies inside and we are going to keep them there until at least 35 weeks....
5. Full Term for Twins - 37 weeks!  I only have 29 to go!

6. Our babies' due date is December 28, 2013 (Carter's was due date was December 28, 2012).  We would love to meet our baby at Christmas - but contine to pray that there are no reason for contractions before Thanksgiving.

7. We are so excited for Baby #2  and #3- but, because we are expecting and excited for our future, it does not change that we were pregnant and gave birth to Carter.  The next few months, I am sure there will be laughter, tears, excited moments and scared moments... and many, many prayers.  But as always,  our faith will continue to be stronger then our fears.

Thanks so much for sharing this journey with me.  I look forward to blogging during the upcoming weeks, not only about our babies, but the changes that are happening in our lives.   I am so blessed that I was able to give birth to Carter.  He has helped me to realize that life is short and that faith, hope and love is what we need to carry on.  My faith in God, continues to sustain me, to carry me and to give me hope for the future and the blessings to come.  Thank you to my family, my friends, my acquaintances, to strangers and to blog readers who have said prayers for us, who have supported us and who have loved us.  I can barely type, as tears stream down my face... thinking back to one of my first posts on January 1st - when faith and hope was all we had.  I thought I was down to nothing, when in truth, He was preparing me for everything.  When Brennon and I chose to start trying again, we both had to remember that God is in control and that we don't know what the future holds... that in truth we could say goodbye to another baby.  We don't know what our future holds, and yet, knowing that, doesn't change the fact that we are blessed.  We love all three of our children.... Carter and the 2 to come!  We pray daily that God continues to be in our life, in our home, and in our family.  That He will protect our family of 5 and provide us with all we need.

Have a blessed week!  Thank you for all your support!  Love, Melissa

Thought for Week #19 of 2013

WHAT HAPPENED??

Opps!! I missed my weekly blog again!  I am pretty sure I was supposed to write this on Monday the 13th :)  Another Zellmer Update Coming Soon?!

Have a great week!  Melissa

Thought for Week #18 of 2013 :)

It is the 18th Monday of 2013 - Can you believe that it is May?   I am amazed that we are already 5 months into the new year.  I am even more amazed that it was snowing on the second day of May and the third day of May.  And today, we are blessed with 70 degree temps.  I am pretty sure the sun needs to stay around awhile.  I don't know maybe 4-5 months.  If winter is still showing it's face in May,  summer should show it's face in October?  Sure does sound good to me.

I really don't have a lot to talk about today.  This may be one of those posts where I add a little more each day.  During the last week, I have been sick.  :(  Complete with a sore throat, head and chest congestion, sneezy, runny nose, and coughing.  The only thing I have to share about that - ONION SANDWICH.... Sounds nasty right?  

Well, before I share - let me tell you the remedies that did not work.  I started to feel a sore throat on Monday and Tuesday and it was still there on Wednesday. I truly believe that Wednesday was the beginning of my little sick adventure. I wasn't horribly sick on Wednesday - my symptoms were just a little annoying.  I went to work on Thursday - for 1 hour. :)  I couldn't take it - I knew it... I was SICK.  I went to Wal-Mart for cough drops, kleenex, a vaporizer and a neti pot.  I was willing to try almost anything.  The neti pot worked okay for the first day.  Although, I will tell you - that it is almost impossible to position your head so that lovely solution doesn't run down your throat!  And then dinnertime came, all I did was eat soup..... and then I was overheated....and then I couldn't breath.  I spent the evening throwing up.   Friday, I attempted to go to work. Brennon told me to stay home... and of course I didn't listen.  I even sat in the bathroom holding my head up with my hair dryer.  (Let me say, it was not a good hair day!)  Even though I was a little late, I made it to work.  Again, I only made it an hour before I realized that I was sweating, and all of the symptoms continued to intensify.  What was I thinking - it was time to head home.  So, Friday, I decided it was vicks vapor rub day.  Under my nose and on my chest.  The problem, you ask? I couldn't smell it.  I continued to steam my nose over a teapot and watch the skin slowly peel away from underneath my nose.  Overall - I was pretty upset with my sinuses.  I am pretty sure I don't need to share more of my snotty symptoms, after every home remedy possible, I still felt horrible 2 days later.  On Sunday, my nurse friend, Marla reminded me that an onion sandwich is her best nurse advice.  So I peeled and sliced an onion.  Placed gently between 2 pieces of bread and smothered that onion with mustard.  I took one long look, and opened my mouth... AND I ate an onion sandwich.  Not the most wonderful thing in the world to eat, but it worked!  I felt almost normal - except my breath really did smell pretty awful!

After being in the house for 4 days straight - I needed out.  I loaded the dishwasher, made the bed, picked up a million kleenex that some how didn't make it in the trash, and I felt pretty good.  All of that was made possible because of an onion sandwich. I even begged Brennon to go to Casa De Oro for Cinco De Mayo and some cheese dip and chips.  It was honestly the highlight of the last week.

SO, that was my week in review.  I was hoping to tell you about time spent with family, maybe a family dinner.  I was hoping to share a new recipe, and entertain you with my great ideas for May baskets.  Is it appropriate to send May baskets on May 8th?  I was really looking forward to doing that this year.  But, I didn't do any of that.... because my week in review is best said between the couch and the bed.  I miss my friends, I miss my family, and I miss being outside.  My goal for this week, is to take advantage of all of those things I missed.  

Oh - really what I am I complaining about - I feel better today and I am not sick very often.  I don't have a thought for the week, except to be kind to one another.  (Can you tell I have been watching Ellen on my days off from work?)  Life really is to short to be anything but happy, to be anything but kind, and to always trust in God.  I know that it continues to be the best New Year's resolution I have ever had.  Each day, I wake up knowing that God will provide.  He will give me what I need, not always what I want, but what I need.  He will help me through those difficult moments.  I truly am a stronger person then I was a year ago. So, I guess my thought for today is.... Today, I am not going to ask God for anything - instead I am going to thank him for all the blessings he has bestowed upon me.

I hope you have a wonderful week!  Love, Melissa

Random Thoughts for Week #17 of 2013.....

Would it be okay if I just posted Week #17 UNDER CONSTRUCTION?

Today is the 17th Monday.  I have so much to talk about... Mostly, because my blog was under construction last week.  I just wasn't able  sit down long enough to concentrate on my thought for the week.  Come to think of it -  I am pretty sure I wasn't able to concentrate on any of my thoughts.  It was a busy week, a sick week and a happy week.  No more excuses - I just didn't write an entry last week.  So, here I am Monday morning, a little insomnia and my computer to ensure I get everything done.  Because I know as early as I was up this morning, it is looking like a nap right after work.

I really do think I need to apologize prior to you reading any farther.  I have a sincere feeling that this blog is just going to be a bunch of random thoughts.... Just remember - I warned you!

Random Thought #1 - Really, I am not even sure where to start.  Last week started with the Autism Walk in Creston.  It was a blast and we had a great turnout.  For the first annual race, we had 103 participants.  Everyone did a great job, and I was really glad that I could be a part of it.  The race, ended up with a post race drink, which honestly ended up with a few beverages, a game of cards, and a late night.  This resulted in what I can only imagine is an inner-ear infection.  Because I have had vertigo for the last 7 days.  It has been quite the experience.  I really have never had the room spin this bad, not even with the worse hangover....which I haven't been drinking alcohol... who only knows how bad the spins would be if I was. I am pretty sure that there were a couple of days where I was pretty thankful that Brennon drives me to work.

The vertigo is mostly gone - but it was replaced with little white pocket on my tonsils and it hurts to swallow.  I am wondering if it is because we slept with the window open last night?  I am not even sure if that is possible.... But, either way I refuse to be sick,  so I am sticking the allergy theory?!  Let me also say that I am loving this nice weather.  I was so pumped to get off work today and be able to walk outside.

Random Thought #2 -  Yesterday, was our anniversary.  Together for 8 years and married for 6, I can't imagine life without Brennon.  Every year on our anniversary, I think back to where I was prior to my marriage with Brennon.  Although, I wouldn't change the path that led me to him, I sure am happy to be where I am today.  We spent yesterday in Des Moines having breakfast, shopping and enjoying our time together.  Although, now I am feeling a little buyer's remorse... or maybe my credit card does.  I guess that I should just be thankful that I have the ability to pay it off each month.

We spent Saturday night in Malvern with Larry and Summer for our annual anniversary dinner.  Happy Anniversary tomorrow to Larry and Summer!!!  It is always a blast and the food is always great.  The apple wood smoked prime rib is still my favorite.  Saturday, I did pass up the prime rib for something different.  (SHOCKING - I KNOW) Although my chicken was excellent, the prime rib is still my favorite.  It probably is a good thing that the Classic Cafe is an hour and fifteen minutes away because I am not sure which it would affect more.... my fupa or my checkbook?

Random Thought #3 - Really, you just have to keep the faith! I went to the doctor last week.  Well, I think I have been to Des Moines 3 times in the last two weeks and most of them were because of doctor appointments.  I had a 6 month appointment and guess what - all precancerous cells are gone!  I am so thankful for all the prayers, and feel even more blessed that those crazy cells have healed.  And I don't have another doctor's appointment until May 13th!  I have to tell you, that even though it sounds like this frequent traveling to Des Moines is bothering me.  It really is not - I have been dragging Brennon a long and we have had some awesome meals together during the last couple of weeks.

Random Thought #4 - There is so much going on in our lives - and most of it involves work.  (Don't tell Brennon - but I plan on watching him work more then I plan on working!)  The list goes on and on.  We have to paint the trim, build a deck, take out the window in the bathroom, replace the tile above the bathtub, and we would really like new carpet in the living room... IT is going to be a busy summer!  IT is going to be an expensive summer!  I am sure I will be sharing more of these experiences in the next couple weeks, because as you may remember my husband is NOT a carpenter.  I am thinking I should hire it done... although I am pretty sure the labor is pretty high in the projects above.  And Brennon is free labor - if you feel like helping - give me a call!  I won't turn down the help!  AND Brennon even if you are not a great carpenter - I do appreciate how hard you work!

Random Thought #5  - If it matters you will find a way.  I strongly dislike the word try.  DO or DO NOT - There is no try. Yet, I am guilty of using it and yes,  I am sure you use it too.  If it is important to you, you will do it.   Try is a way to say, I am not sure it is important to me yet, so I will try and do it.... That is just another one of  my random thoughts......

This brings me to my Thought For the Week.....  Wednesday is May Day - a traditional spring holiday.   It is also a day to surprise your family/friends/neighbors/co-workers with small gifts on their doorsteps.  This week I would like you to find something important to you and commit to doing it.  Would you like to exercise more, accomplish more at work, visit a friend, call a loved one on the phone, drop off a random may basket, give a compliment,  or help someone else?  Please don't try this week - commit to one random act of kindness and share the love.

Have a Blessed Week - I will TRY to work harder on my blog next week!  JUST KIDDING - I will commit to giving my blog a little more attention.  Until then my friends!

Love Melissa

Thought for Week #16 of 2013

Week #16 is.....

UNDER CONSTRUCTION!

Due to an extremely busy week, I haven't been on the computer to talk about my week... I am going to try and finish it tonight. OPPS - Yep, I realized it is Wednesday :(

Melissa :)

Thought for Week #15 of 2013 :)

I want to inspire people.  I want others to look at me and say because you inspired me... my dreams came true.  

What would happen if everyone in the world worked towards inspiring someone else.  And when I mean inspiring, I mean helping someone meet their true gifts and potential.  What a wonderful world we would live in if everyone helped someone else.

Audrey Hepburn said, "As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others."

That really gives me something to think about.... There are so many ways to help others!

April is Autism Awareness Month.  During the last few weeks, I have had the pleasure of helping with the Autism Run/Walk in Creston.  It is this coming Saturday, April 20th, beginning at the YMCA.  I am so blessed to be working alongside parents who have given up everything to provide a safe and positive experience for their children and to continue to raise community awareness.  Statistics now say that 1 in 88 children are diagnosed with Autism.  As I have helped with the upcoming walk/run, I have learned many things about Autism.  I always knew the definition of Autism, the signs and symptoms,  but I never really took the time to understand all of the complex feelings, emotions, struggles and joys that comes with it.  Individuals diagnosed with Autism usually have problems with development in social interaction, language and behavior.  This makes it very difficult to communicate with others, understanding social norms, and the ability to feel like they belong.  Most are just trying to find their place in a world that doesn't understand them.  Someone said, "Autism is not the end of the world, but the beginning of a new one."  I have learned so much, and to the parents that I have had the pleasure of helping, I am amazed by your patience.  I want you to know that you have inspired me.  Your  strength, dedication, love and hope for the future has reminded me that we are each perfectly made for the lives that God has chosen for us.

Everyone has struggles, everyone has joys, hopes and dreams.  I am so thankful for the life I have been given.  Not because it has been easy, but because it has made me strong.  Hope shines brightest in our darkest moments.  This reminded me of a message from God on Facebook.  It said, God wants you to know that, "hope never leaves."  It went on to say, "Sometimes you can't see it or feel it.  Sometime hope seems far away. Often the difficulties that you face make it seem as if hope has abandoned you.  But hope never leaves.   It is always right there for you to embrace."  I have read that message many time during the last week.  I really like the meaning and will continue to hold on to hope, even during the days that I want to give up.  I will remember that hope never leaves.

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HMMM - I have sat here and pondered what to write about this week.  I have written, deleted and have started writing again. What I have realized is,  that I have a lot to say and yet, nothing I have written seems very important.  I started out talking about my week, my love, my family, my friends and I just deleted most of what I had already accomplished on this week's blog.  All the paragraphs that I had worked so hard to write didn't have enough meaning.  I could continue to talk about how much I love my husband, my family and my friends, but I really think I would be repeating myself and all that rambling doesn't seem very important tonight.

What I really can't stop thinking about  is being of assistance to others, loving our neighbors, and how important that is.  I think about the bombing in Boston today, the people injured, the lives lost, and the people in our country that do not feel safe and secure.  I think about the hate in this world, the deceit and the lies.  Why must we live in a world so full of greed, hate and anger?  It makes me sad to see the world through these eyes, and yet I think about how God sees His world.  It reminds me again, that we need Jesus in our lives, in our world.  We need to start letting love rule our hearts instead of hate.  We need to allow Him in our homes, our schools and our lives.  What a much better world we would live in if we loved others as much as we loved ourselves.

This brings me to my thought for the week.  There is nothing better then helping others - If you are looking for something worthwhile to do this week, Anne Frank said it best, "no one has ever become poor by giving."  Now is the time to pay it forward.  I believe it is time to look at my 2013 pay it forward list and do something nice for someone else.   Please take a step, help someone else, and provide to them a little love, and possibly a little inspiration.

Have a great week - Love, Melissa

Thought for Week #14 of 2013

Monday - Monday - Here we are again.  I had such a great week!  I am happy.  I surprised myself this week by just how happy I have become.  I am happy with my life and who I spend my time with. Let's face it , I am just happy.  AND - I am wearing flip flops and capris today!  Spring finally feels like it is here.  Even though it is cloudy - I am loving the fact that it is Spring... and the forecast calls for rain not snow!  Although, I have to mention that I just saw a forecast that said parts of Iowa could get 3 inches of snow - I have decided that this is the winter that will never end......... All I have to say, the snow has got to stop!  I got a pedicure today at lunch and I am no longer allowed to wear shoes that cover my toes!

I wish someone would comment and give me some ideas for my thought for the week.  I need some inspiration.  Some weeks I feel like I write the same things over and over.

Oh well - I guess those thoughts are the ones taking up the most time in my brain.

This past week, my focus has been on exercise and loosing weight.  I had to change some medicine and BAM - I gained 15 pounds in 2 weeks.  I have watched what I have put in my mouth and exercised daily and in the last week have only lost 4 pounds.  Why is it so much easier to put it on then it is to take it off?  I have done pretty well with the elliptical - not missing a day this week.  I have been doing 30-35 minutes, and I think this week, I need to switch up my routine.  Push myself a little harder.  Let me tell you, I sweat out of control.  I have the motivation to use the elliptical two times a day, but that would result in me getting up early in the morning and exercising before work.  We will see what happens - I used to do weight watchers and was pretty successful at it - Unfortunately, with my lovely payments to Iowa Methodist, I just can't spend $40 a month at weight watchers and $36 a month for the YMCA and still comfortably make a little extra on my payments.  So, I think I am going to try the Lose It! App on my phone?  Has anyone used it and had good luck with it?  My fitness goal for the week is to track my food input.  Let's say goodbye to another 4 pounds!

WEDDING PLANS WITH THE FUTURE HOGANS - Hey Emalie! I am pretty sure we need to get together and make a list.  I have a lot of responsibility and I am almost as excited for this wedding as the two of you.. so lets do some planning. :)  We only have....1 year, 3 months, and 11 days - Yes, I have a countdown!

LOVE -  The best thing in life is who I share it with.  I have found the person that makes my heart happy.  Wasn't it in Greek Mythology that said humans were born with 4 arms and 4 legs and 2 faces.  Zeus split each human in two and each individual was destined to search this world to find their other half or their soul mate.  Although, it is mythology and we know it isn't true... isn't that a fun thought.  I know that I have honestly found my other half.  I am so thankful for my husband.  This weekend wasn't very eventful - I am pretty sure I don't really remember half of what we did.  I do know that my husband worked his butt off spring cleaning inside and out... and I enjoyed spending every moment with him.  Last night as we were getting ready for bed, he gave me a look, kissed me and said, "I had a wonderful weekend with you."  You know - I did too.  We really didn't do much - and yet, it was one of the best weekends we have had in a long time.  A reason for my happiness, perhaps?

FAMILY - I don't know if this fits under the family category, but it was one year ago today, that Carter was conceived.  I guess when you do fertility treatments that is one thing you can know for sure.  Never in my journey, did I think that I would be where I am today. And what seems to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey.  I cannot believe all of the first steps I have taken during the last year.  The things that I have accomplished, the new things I have tried, the grief that I have felt, the raw emotions that I have overcome, the love that has grown or the family that was started.

Last week, I blogged about my anger towards parents on facebook truly complaining about their children.  After I posted it, I really thought about it.  How many times, do I take for granted what others are praying for.  I have been blessed in so many ways, and so many times I reread my blogs for that simple reminder.   I have a good job, a home, a wonderful husband, and yet there are those around us who has lost their job, their home, and are struggling with their relationships.  Hasn't there been a time where I was complaining on Facebook, and didn't take into consideration, how my words and feelings could affect others. And even as I wrote those words, I didn't think about how others would read them.  I pray every day for the compassion to look past the obvious when dealing with others, because, I am unaware of the journey that God has placed on them.   Dalai Lama said perfectly, "Our prime purpose in this life is to help others.  And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."  Good words to live by.  Our words and our actions (or lack there of) speak loudly and we should do everything we can to lift others up.

FAITH -  I am going to ask a favor.  I am going to ask for prayers.  Would you take a moment to ask God to bless us?  I am a week away from another doctor's appointment and praying for an awesome appointment.  We pray that we continue to see good health for me and our family.  I have to continue by saying how thankful that I am for Dr Lehman.  I am pretty pumped to be able to see her next week and tell her about the awesome progress that I have made since I saw her last October.

I have been praying a lot today - praying that God continues to bless my friends, my acquaintances, my family, my husband, my future and even myself.  I am once again reminded in my prayers that this isn't always about me and what I want, when I want it,  but having patience in God's perfect timing.  I try really hard to pray for others more then I pray for myself - but this time, I think I need the prayers.   I might as well let the cat out of the bag.  Brennon and I have decided to start trying again for a sibling for Carter.  Although, if you are a blog reader, a facebook stalker or a close friend or family member, you probably already figured this out.  Can I impress to you how scary this is?!  Infertility Stinks - Having an Incompetent Cervix Sucks - BUT, I will not let these things define me.  I refuse to say this is how my story is going to end.  I am going to have faith that God will bless us and that we will finally be able to be good parents to a child on Earth - not just to a child in Heaven.

As I write this, I really want to delete it.  I can't believe I just shared this with you.  When we were pregnant with Carter - everything was a secret.  We didn't tell anyone that we were trying, we didn't share that we had seen a fertility specialist and honestly, we waited until we were 12 weeks along to share that I was pregnant, because we were so scared something bad would happen and we would loose our precious child during what we thought was the riskiest part of a pregnancy... and now here I am sharing that we are trying for a baby.  Strange...I am happy, but yet I have tears streaming down my face.  It is so hard to be patient.  It is so hard to trust when every emotion tells me that it is never going to happen. It is hard to wait for God's divine timing when it something that Brennon and I want so badly.  My heart and head is ready for it, but my body has not gotten the memo yet.  So, I will continue to pray - and someday, I will look back at the blog and smile - that everything happens for a reason and there is a reason that I waited....

Therefore I will look unto the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation:  my God will hear.  Micah 7:7

In saying that - I really like the song "I Will Wait" by Mumford and Sons.  Now, I don't know the purpose behind the song or the meaning that was intended for the song.  The more I listen to it, the more I hear a prayer.  Overall, it has been a stressful year for Brennon and I.  And I have struggled with patience and trust.  Everyone has hard times at one time or another.  I know that in my moments of darkness, I fall to my knees.  When it is hardest to pray, is when I seem to pray the most.  So, whatever the meaning is for this song - I believe -  I will wait for God.

I WILL WAIT - Mumford and Sons

And I came home
Like a stone
And I fell heavy into your arms
These days of darkness
Which we've known
Will blow away with this new sun.

And I'll kneel down
wait for now
I'll kneel down
know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you 
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So break my step
And relent
You forgave and I won't forget
Know what we've seen
And him with less
Now in some way
Shake the excess

But I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

So I'll be bold 
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So tame my flesh
And fix my eyes
That tethered mind free from the lies.

But I'll kneel down
Wait for now
I'll kneel down
Know my ground

Raise my hands
Paint my spirit gold
And bow my head
Keep my heart slow

Cause I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

And I will wait, I will wait for you

This will bring me to my THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK -  God gave me today, to rejoice and be glad in it.  Another reason for my happy mood... I have today and I will make the most of it.  My request for you.... Start today and take back your life.  For me, this has been my renewed goal to exercise and be healthy, to love and be loved, and to have faith that God will bless us.  Spring is a time for birth and for growth. Now is the time to look at what needs to be changed and work towards it.  If it is important to you, you will find a way... if it is not you will find an excuse.  I am on a journey and that journey is all mine.  Find your journey - If you're waiting for a sign - this is it :)

Have a great week - Love, Melissa