Everything Has A Season - A Purpose Under Heaven

"Melissa, on this day, God wants you to know that there is a right time for everything you do."

There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the Earth:  A right time for birth and another for death, a right time to plant and another to reap, a right time to kill and another to heal, a right time to destroy and another to construct, a right time to cry and another to laugh, a right time to lament and another to cheer, a right time to love and another to abstain, a right time to embrace, and another to part, a right time to search and another to count your losses, a right time to hold on and another to let go, a right time to rip out and another to mend, a right time to shut up and another to speak up, a right time to love and another to hate, a right time to rage war and another to make peace.   Ecclesiastes 3: 2-8

Everyday, I read my message from God on Facebook, and today, I felt the need to share it.  "If you  try to live counter to your personal rhythms, you will expand more time and energy to get things done. Body and soul suffer when you force yourself to wrestle against your own rhythms.  Listen to your own rhythms and follow them."

Good Advice - I think I should remember that - especially tonight.  Tonight, I feel defeated.  I can not stop crying.  I have so many emotions that I can't control.  Most days, I am just fine.  I feel good.  I rejoice in God's Love and I find that I have strength to make it through the day.  This afternoon, as I was reading my email, I remembered my desire to be a parent, a parent to a child here on earth.  Out of nowhere, I had a feeling of overwhelming need, a need for my family.  I honestly felt scared, and still feel scared.  I have struggled for so long with infertility, that I wonder if I will be able to get pregnant again, of if all it will ever be, is just a dream.  Then -  I thought about my grief.  My grief over the child that I had, that I can no longer touch, and hold. I will never be able to kiss him to sleep, or wipe away his tears.  I will not see his precious smile or hear his sweet voice.  I am sad to realize, that in my lifetime on Earth, I have been denied those simple things that so many parents take for granted.  It is in those moments that I can't imagine having another child, because I want Carter.  I always said, that Brennon and I would be happy with just one child, even when I had always desired a house full of children, but with all of the difficulties and expensive treatments, I was completely happy with just one child.  How pumped I was when I found out I was pregnant... that I said, I was so thankful that I would never have to have timed intercourse again.  My family would be complete.   

Now, we find ourselves praying to God that this not be the end for our family, that we be allowed to be a parent to a child on Earth.  Not a replacement child, but a sibling for Carter.  We will always love and honor our child in Heaven - but continue to pray to God, that He will bless us with our deepest desires.

And I must remember, everything has a purpose under God.  Even if we have a hard time understanding what that purpose is.  My continued struggle is with control.  Somedays,  I get so worked up in what my plan for my life is, that I forget what God's plan for me is.  There is a time for everything under God, and if it is not happening, it is not time.  I remember in those few weeks after Carter was born, I had a friend and co-worker email me about these very feelings.  She reminded me that there were times in her life where there was test after test of her faith, and that she just felt she couldn't take much more, she mentioned that at those times, her cup felt very empty, she just couldn't handle anymore. She said a friend suggested, it is in those moments that her cup was in the best position to be filled up. She also suggested that my cup needed emptied, to make room for what God wants. I remember this often.  Many times, like tonight when I am feeling defeated and questioning God's plan.  I revert back to my email and read it again.  It is just so hard to deal with the idea that we may never have a child to share life with on Earth.

As I read, what I have wrote, I feel relief.  I feel peace and a strength that I didn't possess an hour ago.  I must continue to share.  I was so stressed out about my upcoming doctor appointment, and my health, and our future, that I forgot to keep the faith, and allow my faith to be stronger then my fear.  I do trust in God - He has never failed me.  Thank you for allowing me to share my story, so that I could remember what is truly important.  FAITH - HOPE - LOVE - I am thankful that I possess all three.

Please realize that what I wrote above are my raw emotions.  Many of things that I blog about are very hard to share.  I have put our feelings out there for everyone to read, and not only our feelings, but our deepest desires.  I do this, because I continue to feel as though I am supposed to share my life and my journey.  The good and the bad, the blessings and the struggles.  This is a part of my story.  I hope that my blog will  encourage and inspire others to follow their dreams, to never give up, and to realize that even though life tests us at times, with strong family, strong friends, and strong faith, anything is possible.

Please do not take life and those in it for granted.  I have said it before and I will say it again - LIFE IS TO SHORT!  Always, remember to say what you truly feel.  Share your feelings with those you care about and do not allow your fear to hold you back.  For the only things in life that you regret, are the things that you did not say, and things you were to scared to try.  Do not allow others to hold you back, do not allow others to make you feel inferior, or say that you are not good enough.  God loves us for our imperfections.  We are perfectly made by Him.  For nothing in God's world happens by mistake.  Follow your heart and Trust in God!  I love you!

God Bless - Melissa

Thought for Week #4 of 2013

Today is the 4th Monday of 2013 -- the last Monday in January -  I feel like I publish a blog entry, and the next thing I know - It is Monday again and I am pondering what I am going to write about.  Usually, around Thursday, I begin to think about what I want to post about.  I have a really great idea, write a rough draft, and then delete it because I feel the  need to write about something else.  Here I go again. It is Monday, January 28, 2013 and I am deleting what I originally wrote... So I can share the following with you -

Never Give Up

By Charlie Remiggio

Never Give Up.

Never Lose Hope.

Always Have Faith.

It Allows You to Cope.

Trying Times Will Pass,

As They Always Do.

Just Have Patience,

Your Dreams Will Come True.

So Put On A Smile,

You'll Live Through the Pain.

Know it Will Pass,

And Strength You Will Gain.

As most of you know, my New Year's Resolution is to Trust in God - and I am so thankful, that unlike my resolutions in years past - I am sticking to this one.  I was thinking about grief and healing  and my post from last week.  I truly believe that I still experience every stage of grief, some days I can experience more then one stage at a time.  I wake up accepting that this is my life, and by the end of the day, wonder whose life I am living and drive home in shock that my baby is truly not here.  As I think about the stages of grief  and what I wrote last week, I have been thinking about moving forward. I have said many times in the last 5 months - I just want things to go back to normal.  The problem is there is no normal after the loss of a child.  For so long, I realized that although, Brennon and I were attempting to live life, what we were really doing was living death.  It seems as though life continues to go on.....But we didn't want to continue to live, especially if it meant to erase Carter from our lives, to accept the permanence of the situation, and to move on without him. It has helped that in the last 5 months, there has been signs that Carter is near us... a song on the radio, a dream where he was close enough to hug and kiss, a glimpse of what he would look like at 2 years old, a memory of his soccer skills in my growing belly. And with each sign we see, or memory we have, the more life appears good.  Now we find ourselves crawling out from underneath the covers, lifting our heads from the tear-stained pillows,  and looking towards hope and the continued connection to our Carter.  It has been easier for some to tell us to let go, and say goodbye.. but for us to move toward the future, we have to find healthy ways to keep him close to us.  For us, it is writing notes to him on the fridge, sharing out loud with him - when Daddy picks on Mommy, continuing to live the dreams we had for our growing family- like Cinnamon Roll Sunday - and just telling him daily that we love and miss him.  These steps - these signs help us to see the light, to remember that life is good and that there is HOPE.  I would never have imagined,  lying in that hospital bed 5 months ago, that I would be where I am today.  But, it truly feels good to be alive again.  We still have a long way to go, but we are moving forward - down a road, that we never thought we would travel, but we are traveling none the less.  It reminds me of our tattoos, where we walk - Carter will walk. We will carry him - He is a part of our journey.  He is a part of us.  Moving forward does not mean to forget - but to move forward with him in our hearts, and always a part of our family.  I truly believe that a major part of the healing process is the moment when you realize that hope has entered back into your life.  My goal for the coming week, is to allow hope to direct my footsteps.  To keep the faith and let go of the worries.  To stop "living death" and start "living life"!  Hope shines brightest in the darkest hours.  So when the world says "Give Up" - Hope will always whisper "Try Again".

"Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God.  More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured onto our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:2-5

www.mollybears.com

Another wonderful thing happened!  Remember last week I said - Always believe something wonderful is going to happen - Well I did and it happened. Last month, Brennon and I signed up for Molly Bears.  Molly Bear is a non-profit organization that makes teddy bears for parents who have empty arms and to provide a bear the exact weight and length of the infant who died.  It is a very busy organization... and although I wish that parents did not have to endure the loss of a baby, I am thankful for the organization.  Brennon and I were 6,158 on the list and it was taking at least 14 months to receive our teddy bear.  They run completely on donations, and were not receiving enough donations to cover the cost of the bears, the bear-makers, shipping etc.  They ran a promotion this month, and the first 30 people who donated $100 would recieve a pass to the front of the line.  I felt a little defeated on Friday, when the ability to sign up was at 8 am and I forgot about it.  I was sure that all the passes would be taken and knew that I would be waiting longer for my Carter Bear.  How excited I was on Saturday, when I saw on Facebook that there was 3 spots left.... I was able to donate and am now 28th on the list.  My Carter Bear will ship by 2/28/13!  Not only will my $100 cover the cost of my bear, it will also pay for another family to receive their bear as well.  What a wonderful blessing we were provided with!!  Who knew that something so small, would bring so much joy to my heart?!

To  learn more about Molly Bears or how to donate - check out www.mollybears.com :)

LOVE - On the subject of joy, I love my husband.  I know you, the reader, must be tired of hearing me say it, but I can't help but be thankful for Brennon.  I love spending time with him, and find that I quite enjoy our activities and projects.  Last week, tired after a physically exhausting day at work, Brennon humored me, and we made donuts at 7 pm.... and then this weekend, we worked on blinds for our dining room.  I know that he really doesn't like making them, but he knows that I do... So guess what?  He spent his Saturday at the fabric store, picking out fabrics for our latest project.  As we were finishing up, he looked at the store owner, and asked for a package of bachelor buttons.  I looked at Brennon, with what I am sure, was a dumbfounded look on my face.... I was amazed - We were standing in a fabric store and he is asking for some kind of button, that I have no idea what for... What the heck is a bachelor button?   He looks at me, and states, "Come on - You have to fix the button on at least one pair of jeans."  I just started to giggle - I would never have bought a button... even though I had broken the button off my last two pair of jeans that actually fit and have been using my belt to keep my pants together on a daily basis.  He was looking out for me again.  And Saturday night, when I could tell that he was tired of working on blinds, and that his back hurt, I fell in love with him all over.  Love truly is putting others needs and wants before your own.  Brennon is a wonderful husband and my best friend.  PS - It's been 2 days - I still haven't fixed my jeans :)

FAMILY - Sunday Dinner Time - And I enjoyed it with many family members around my table!  I am so thankful to spend time with my family.  We had a soup supper - Isn't the true meaning of a soup supper is to fill your stomach, but also your soul.  To sit down around the table with family that you love, share a meal, but also to share laughter, and love.

FRIENDS -  I love Facebook - I love the way it can connect people. Some I haven't seen for years, some I see on a daily basis and some are acquantinces, placed in our path to encourage and to help us in a time of need.  Either way, I enjoy reading other people's post, funny stories about their family and thier kids, and sometimes being able share in life's joys and  and sometimes life's struggles.  I don't write letters and I dislike talking on the phone, so facebook has been my way to connect with family and friends, and now my blog has been a form of connection with family who doesn't have Facebook.  Can I just say - my biggest pet peeve - is poor writing on Facebook.  Now I understand that due to mobile connections, it is sometimes easy to write c - instead of see or u instead of you.  But it is extremely annoying to see post after post read like this. ...Well I talked 2 my girl 2day.  after many calls n texts, she was like, y do u call 2  c what i m up 2.  i love her, n love 2 chat w/ her, but she was like damn girl - cant wait 2 c u and prayn 4 good weather b4 the drive 2 c my girls. That is y I do my best to smh n walk away.  -- Honestly who can read that - it drives me absolutely crazy.  I just want to write a comment and correct every thing about that post.  I almost want to scroll back up a few lines and fix those mistakes.  Now, most would say unfriend this person, or hide them from your status feed if it bothers you that much, but honestly, I do kinda like following the drama of their life -- I have just decided that we all have at least 1 or 2 friends on our friend list that post like that - so I have a choice - delete it or live with it.  There my rant is over.  I will live with it - but I just want to say... B4 connecting with me, please, attempt to use words and not individual letters or numbers :)  It is English - Not Bingo.

FAITH - I have another doctor's appointment in Des Moines on February 4th -  only one Monday away -  Please keep Brennon and I in your prayers, as we have had to make very hard decisions.  We pray that God blesses us with the answers we need, and provides our doctors with the assistance they need to best treat me, and that this is a very short journey for us - Let me rephrase that - By short - I mean cheap :)  Speaking of cheap....

Do you ever wonder what life lessons you were placed on Earth to learn?  I always joke that God is trying to teach me patience... but why is it taking so long?  Friday, I was up early, checking out Pinterest for a little inspiration - trying to decide what my thought for this next week was going to be...  I thought to myself, I wonder if one of my life lessons is to live life and be poor.  Now as I read that sentence - I am not sure that it makes sense - so let me explain myself.  Many years ago, before I knew that I struggled with infertility, I spoke about waiting to have children until I could afford them.  Then, after I got divorced, I struggled to pay my bills.  I worried about money when Brennon and I got married and we wanted to begin our marriage debt free.  As soon as we were debt free, we began fertility treatments - taking away most of our savings.  Then as we built our savings back up, Carter was born early - and now we are back in medical debt.  (I joke - invested in some bad stock at Iowa Methodist)  HMMMM - I see a pattern here.  Is it me?  How is it that Brennon and I have good jobs and make a decent wage - that we feel so defeated at times?!  I would love to be independently wealthy but since that is not going to happen, I have to decide what is truly important in my life.... Sometimes, I worry so much about making sure that we are always debt free, not overspending, and always responsible - that I wonder if I am supposed to be learning that although money is nice, it is not everything, and that if I trust in God, I have everything I need.  For it seems, that those weeks where I pay all the bills, and have only a few dollars left over for groceries, that a friend will invite us over for dinner, or my mom brings over some canned veggies.  It always works out.  We are so lucky... we do not have credit card debt... we have doctor, dentist and hospital interest free debt - isn't that something to be thankful for?  Our cars are almost paid off, and the only other loan we will have is our house.  Why am I so worried about money, when it seems that we are doing just fine...  As I read this paragraph, I have to laugh - why am I worrying so much?  God continues to provide for us, even when I don't slow down long enough to notice it....

This brings me to the thought for the week ahead - Keep the Faith - Slow Down and Enjoy Life - Let Go of Little Worries - God will Provide.  I heard once that my ability to relax is directly proportional to my ability to trust life.  And trusting in life - means trusting in the Creator of Life.  So my goal for the week ahead, is to Let Go and Let God.  He has my faith, my hope and my love.  Through Him - all things are possible and I look forward to the week ahead - so that I can relax and continue to allow my life, and my purpose to to rest in God's Hand.  "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done."  Phillipians 4:6

Praying for you today, that God will provide for your every need for every day!
God Bless - Love, Melissa

Cheeseburger Chowder

I love to make soup on a cold winter day and I love cheese soup.  I went out to eat one day and cheeseburger soup was on the menu, so I ordered it... I went home thinking - I can make this... Here is my recipe.

Cheeseburger Chowder

1 Large Can of Chicken Broth
1 Bag of Hashbrowns
2 lbs Hamburger - Browned and Drained
1 small onion diced
1 lb of Velvetta
1 bag of Shredded Cheese - I use Colby Jack

1.  In a large pan - Bring Chicken Broth to a boil.  Add Bag of Hasbrowns and cook until soft. Decrease heat to a simmer.  

2.  In a skillet - brown hamburger and diced onions.  Drain Very Well.  Add Hamburger and Onions to the Broth.  

3.  Dice Velvetta.  Add to the broth mixture and stir until melted.  Add a bag of shredded cheese to the mixture, stir until melted.  Add more or less shredded cheese to obtain your desired consistency.

4.  Serve and Enjoy!


Today, I made this for lunch, and after putting the soup in my bowl, added a few sliced pickles, shredded lettuce and tomatoes to my soup.  It was actually pretty good:)

Thought for Week #3 of 2013 :)

Another busy week - the 3rd Monday of 2013 is already here.  Last week seemed to fly by...  It is hard to believe that we are two weeks away from February.  And since February is a short month, it seems that Spring may be right around the corner.  This makes me smile - I LOVE SPRING :) I can't wait to feel the warm sun on my face and for the flowers to start to bloom.  :)  Just wait, something wonderful is going to happen.

This week brought a lot of emotions and a lot of healing. I am sharing my feelings and emotions in this week's blog.  I would like to begin by saying that I am not writing this because I am angry, but to share my story, and to maybe help others understand what it is like to loose a child.  I do apologize if I repeated myself from previous blogs,  and please know that nothing I have written about below is intended to hurt anyone.  I just feel that I am supposed to share my continued journey and the intense feelings that grief brings with it.

LOVE - Today is January 21, 2013 -  5 months since Carter was born.  I woke up this morning, remembering what day it was and where I was 5 months ago today, and instantly just wanted to go back to sleep... If I had,  I would have missed the opportunity to enjoy today.  I continue to be thankful how much our precious angel has changed our lives.  I still think about the what if's or the should of beens, but then I have to remember that we don't always understand God's plan, and even if I could ask Him why, the reason may be so complex that I wouldn't understand the answer.  Another reminder to Trust God's plan and to remember that He will continue to give me strength.  He has a plan for my life, and I will continue to make the most of every day.  I am also thankful for where I am today.  I am a different person then I was 5 months ago, and continue to thank family and friends for helping me through each day, so that I can be where I am today. Before Carter was born, I carried him under my heart, today, I carry him in my heart.  I miss you Carter - and Mommy and Daddy Love YOU!  And thankfully, we both love each other as much as we love you!

During the last week, I was given a chance.  A chance to restore a friendship or walk away.  I never felt like I walked away, but to the friend visiting with me, they felt as though they had tried, and I had not reciprocated the friendship.  As we talked about our friendship and my grief, it made me realize that while others care, they maybe don't know how to talk to me.  How do you continue a friendship when a tragedy has changed someone? I found, that for most people, it is easier to continue to live life and ignore that it happened,  then it is to face their own fears regarding the loss of a child.  For the person that is experiencing the tragedy, it makes life harder.  Now, not only have I lost my child, but I also felt as I had lost good friends, who because of their own fears, forgot that I needed them more then ever.  A friendship is give and take.  Sometimes, you take more and sometimes you give more.  Friendships are rarely 50% give and 50% take.  I felt as though I had nothing to give, and in that moment, I had hoped that my friends would be able to give 75% to our relationship so that I only had to make an effort to give 25%... not just in the few days after his birth, but the very hard days and months to follow.  After Carter's funeral, I really did feel like some of my closest friends were not there for me anymore, and there was no way I could give 100% to keep my friendships together - I could barely keep myself together. Does this make me selfish?  I hope not - I believe that it is part of being a survivor.  And to the friend that reached out to me this past week... Thank you so much - I needed to know that you love and care about me, as much as I care about you.  I will always choose friendship, but please remember that I have changed - We may not have the same friendship that we had before... but, I now feel that I am in a better place and can give a little more, and maybe we will have a stronger relationship because of it.

This brings me to the subject of grief.  I know what grief is.  I studied it in school and was able to recite every stage of the grieving process.  I can tell you that every stage is experienced in a different order and at different times.  I can name each stage and tell others what should be expected during the grieving process. I always thought grief was sadness.  Sadness for the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or maybe something didn't turn out the way you expected. I remember when my grandpa died.  It was the first time I remember experiencing grief.  I was 9 years old and I didn't understand the true meaning of death.  I saw my mom and my grandma, and other family members sad and that made me sad. I was told that I wouldn't see my grandpa again for a very long time, and yet I still wasn't sure about death.  I knew that I loved my Grandpa very much, and I was scared that my mom would die and leave me, just as it felt like he had left me.   Once I grew up, I remember grieving when I got divorced, and thinking, at that time that it was the hardest thing I would ever have to experience. I experienced the death of my Uncle John and my cousin Clint.  Both leaving this world to soon, leaving behind their children and their families to grieve the loss.  My heart hurt, the tears continued to fall, as I tried to support my family and the loss of their son, sibling, husband, father, I felt anger that my family had once again changed and grief had overtaken the lives of so many.   Not one of those situations truly prepared me for the loss of my son. A child that I held so briefly but had so many plans for.  In my lifetime, I expected to grieve for a grandparent, even a parent or a spouse at the end of their life, never my child.  I believe that grief for a child is different and that you can not truly understand that grief, unless you have experienced it.   Grief is the journey of Love.  Without love, their would be no grief. No definition can put into words the true journey of love and grief that Brennon and  I have experienced in the last 5 months with the loss of our Carter.

I remember the denial.  I remember laying in the hospital bed, cuddling my son for the first time. I remember repeating over and over again... "What do I do now?"  I am sure I said that numerous times in the few hours I was in the hospital.  I was in shock.  I couldn't believe that our God would allow me to become pregnant after years of infertiity and then decide that my child would not survive.    I didn't know how to plan a funeral.  My Carter was supposed to out live me.  We had big plans for him and for our new family.  In the 21 weeks of his life, Brennon and I had already made plans for our little one.  We would lay awake at night talking about the things we wanted to teach our son.  We wanted to share our faith, our love, and our family with him.  I remember telling Brennon that I hoped to teach our child love and compassion, that he would be caring and thoughtful little boy.  That our child would be spoiled with love and the gift of right and wrong, not spoiled with possessions and lots of toys.  There are still days that I wake up and believe that it was all a dream, that I am still pregnant and his knobby little knees are pressing into my bladder again.  And each time I wake, I remember all over again that Tuesday morning when my first and only son was born, a moment that should have been a happy time was replaced with pain and sadness.

I don't know who wrote the following, so I can't give them credit, but I was reading different quotes from moms who have experienced infant loss, and I came across one, and it touched me.  It said that  babies choose their parents before birth.  This is the quote that was there - "God looked down and said, "Sorry, no can do. That mommy is not for you." - "Why is that?" asked the  little boy - And He replied,  "For that mommy, her baby will not survive."  The little boy looked at Him and said with tears in his eyes, "But please God, for her I would die"

Depression.  For at least 6 weeks after Carter's death, was a blur.  I don't remember much of my everyday life, but I do remember the grief.   There were days that the grief was so strong, I would wish for death, so that the pain would stop.  If my heart wasn't beating, I wouldn't have to feel the intesity of it breaking.  I remember the days that it was hard to breathe and every word spoken brought me to tears.  I remember going back to work and questioning how I was supposed to help others when I didn't have the strength to help myself.  I remember not wanting to leave my house, and thankfully I had  family and a few close friends that helped me through it.  There are still days that the depression rears its ugly head and I have to surround myself in God's love to get through the day.  I pray often, some days, I pray more then I talk.  I pray for strength to make it through one more day.  I pray that God will fill the hole inside of me and that none of my  family or friends ever have to experience what Brennon and I have had to go through in the last 6 months.  I pray that if any of my friends ever have a tragedy that I will stand beside them, comfort them and love them even when they state that they want to be alone.  Depression is something very dangerous.  I was depressed because my life had changed in a moment.  Plans that I had made, no longer had any meaning.  My life had changed, my relationships had changed, and I couldn't stop it, I was to busy trying to keep myself from the deep dark hole of depression.  I was diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder after those first 6 weeks, and it wasn't until then - I realized that my sadness was depression and it was time to pull myself up and start living again... one day at a time.

I know that anger is a secondary emotion.  Usually followed by a primary emotion, hurt, sadness, frustration.  Following Carter's death, I was angry.  I wasn't angry at God but I did question Why? - I was angry that my baby was not with me.  That my life and the plan that I had for it was gone.  I remember being angry at others.  As I explained in past posts, I was angry at friends, at family, and even at acquantinaces that knew nothing about my grief.  Anger and depression go hand in hand.  Once you experience the depression, the anger comes next.  Anger has a way of helping you deal with the hurt.  I was angry that people treated us differently.  I just wanted to scream, I WANT SUPPORT - NOT YOUR SYMPATHY!  I didn't, and still don't, want others to feel sorry for me or ignore me.  All I wanted was support - Friendship doesn't mean that you should give me more time to distance myself further,  making it easier to close the door on our relationship, but to drag me out of my house once in awhile, stop by or call just to say you are thinking of me....BUT  please don't  ignore us.  I refuse to let anger define me - As I continue through the grieving process, I continue to forgive and to let go of of the hurt and the anger.... but it is hard, so please be patient with me.  

Bargaining - I know that I bargained with God while laying in the hospital bed, right before Carter was born.  I remember praying and praying and praying for my child to make it.  I trusted Dr Lehman and I trusted God.  I didn't understand it, but I knew that God's will would be done.  Now, I find myself bargaining with God again.  I find myself asking what is next for us.  "I promise God, if you answer my prayers, I will go to church every week. I will volunteer more, pray more, never swear, give more and take less... Just promise me that this is not the end for our family."  Brennon and I have so much love to give... will we ever be parents to a child on earth?  Will I get pregnant again?  And if I do, will the surgery to stitch my cervix, hold so that my baby is kept safe?  I find that I am bargaining now more then ever, as I question decisions that Brennon and I have to make in the future.    It tends to be very scary - the thought of trying again.  Scary,  not knowing what is ahead for Brennon and I.  With all the years of infertility, it scares me more that we won't be able to get pregnant again.  Infertility treatments are expensive, especially when insurance won't cover them, and add in the cost of the cervix surgery, weekly ultrasound and cervical checks...and my head starts to spin.  I have had so many people tell us to try again....that we will get pregnant again.  I just want to remind you, that when you tell someone that, it does not erase the pain of the child that died.  And, for a couple who suffers from infertility, trying again is a difficult and stressful experience.  Again, this brings me back to my 2013 New Year's Resolution to Trust in God.  To Trust in God - I have to Trust in His Timing.  This year, I continue to remind myself daily that bargaining does not change our deepest desires.  It also doesn't change the outcome of our fate or God's will.  My faith will continue to be stronger then my fear.

Acceptance is very hard... especially for a controlling person like me.  I like to be in control and if this journey has taught me anything it is that I can't control everything.  Honestly, I am really not sure I can control anything but how I respond to life's situations.  I wake up every morning and pray for assistance in accepting my life - the life that has been chosen for me.  Acceptance doesn't happen once and go away, acceptance is moment by moment, breath by breath.  There are still days when I feel anger and depression, and I find myself saying, "I hate my life."  In those moments, I have an opportunity to remember that good things will happen again.  That this is just a bad day not a bad life.

Carter has taught me how to help others with grief.  Supporting others isn't about how I feel, or how the situation makes me feel, but about being there for the person at their lowest.  If you are grieving, I promise to not talk but to listen, to sit on the couch and just be there, to listen to your story and share mine - but only if you ask me too... I will not expect any thing from you, because chances are you have nothing to give.  I promise to remember that you are busy just trying to survive. I promise that I will cook supper for you at least once, hand you a tissue when the tears begin, and probably share some tears with you, I will help you cherish the memory of your loved one, and  never ever give you a reason to question my love and friendship for you.  This is my promise -

And enough about my stages of grief.. Here is my last week in a nutshell!

Holly - AKA Maxine :)

FRIENDS - For a lazy weekend, we sure were busy.  I had planned to go out to eat with Corina, but Ms Kaylee was sick so we decided to postpone our monthly dinner date. (I am glad to hear she is feeling better!!)  So, Friday night, Brennon and I went to Casa with my co-workers.  It was fun to go out and have a good time.  We had a few laughs, and I was thankful that I only had a few drinks, because Saturday night was Holly's 50th Birthday Celebration.  Now, usually I am the party before the party kind of girl... but not this time.  I was able to enjoy a few drinks with friends and as much fun as both nights were, I was thankful to go home to my quiet house and my comfy pajamas!  I told Brennon the only bad thing about big parties is that my chance of getting the flu sky-rockets.  Time to beef up my vitamin intake...Do your work Vitamin C!

Now before you lecture me on not getting the flu shot, let me begin by saying that I have never had a flu shot before, so I wasn't sure the need for one this year.  I had the stomach flu the day after Christmas and Brennon informed me that the flu shot does not protect you from the stomach flu... but from the respiratory flu... What the heck?  I googled it - the respiratory flu could be easily called a cold - or a really bad sinus infection.  Either way, I am hoping that my immune system, also known as the walking vitamin store, does it's job and continues to keep me healthy.  And for you superstitious people - I knocked on wood - TWICE :)

FAMILY - I love my family.  I am so thankful for my large family...  I am also thankful for Brennon's family.... I don't have to think about Brennon's parents as my in-laws, but just an extension of my family.  I am lucky to have a second mom and dad.  Family isn't always blood either.  Family is people that want you in there life, and you want to be a part of theirs. I am thankful that I have family support.  There are so many people in this world that do not experience this kind of support and I am truly blessed.

"Ohana means Family - and  family means no one gets forgotten or left behind." I found this picture on Pinterest and had to share it here.   I love Lilo and Stitch... One of my favorite Disney movies.  This is my Family - Brennon, Carter and Me - It is little and broken - but still good.  Even though you are not with us physically Carter - You are our family!  Always loved and never forgotten!

WEDDING PLANS WITH THE FUTURE HOGANS - No wedding plans for me this week.  But I am excited that James and Emalie decided on the wedding location and the final date.  July 19, 2014 - 18 months for Emalie to find the perfect dress, the right flowers, the perfect vows and for me to write the perfect maid of honor speech for the reception.  Oh - who am I kidding... I have already started! I am sure there will be changes, but I am pretty proud of my first draft.  Don't worry guys - no embarrassing stories from me :)  

FAITH -  We have no idea how what we go through today will shape us for the future.  I continue to believe that all things happen for a reason, and although we may not understand what the reason is, there is a purpose for everything under God.  Thank you for allowing me to share my week,  my experience with grief and my continued journey with it.   I am thankful for my life and those I share it with.  I continue to pray that I can share my story and my life so that others can understand how complex it is to loose a piece of yourself and how difficult it is to handle all the stages of grief.  Please don't take life and those in it for granted.  I promise in the week ahead to continue to love deeply, stay strong, and continue to develop courage!  I believe that God has great things planned for Brennon and I  - because Love Never Fails.

This brings me back to the thought of the week....Always Believe that Something Wonderful is Going to Happen.  "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you, in Christ Jesus."  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

MAY LIFE BE ALL THAT YOU WANT IT TO BE!  Love, Melissa

Chicken Gizzards - Yes or No?

Chicken Gizzards -  Brennon mentioned the other day that he really wanted chicken gizzards.  Off to the store I went...How was I going to cook them - I wasn't even sure I knew what they looked like.  So after breading, frying, and sautéing, they really did taste awesome. Actually,  I like any recipe that calls for sautéed onions and mushrooms in real butter! I will share my recipe in case anyone else likes them.

Ingredients Needed - 

1 lb of Chicken Gizzards

2 Cups of Milk

2 Cups of Flour, seasoned with Lowry Seasoning Salt and Pepper

1 Stick of Real Butter

1 Container of Fresh Mushrooms

1 Large Onion Sliced

Directions - 

1. Trim the Gizzards and Soak Gizzards in Milk.

2.  In a small bowl, mix together the flour with your favorite seasonings.  I keep it simple with seasoning salt and pepper.

3.  Heat Oil in Wok - on medium-high heat. I use a wok because the oil is the correct temperature to cook the gizzards without sticking to the pan.  You can use a skillet or a fry daddy if you prefer.

4.  Roll the gizzard in the flour mixture until covered.  Drop gizzard in warm oil.  Continue - I do 5-10 gizzards at a time.  I cook approximately 5 minutes and then turn over for another 5 minutes or until cooked completely.  Place on a paper towel.  Continue until all gizzards are fried.

 5.  Wipe out Wok.  Melt stick of butter.  Add mushrooms and sliced onions.  Cover and cook until they are sweated and a golden brown.  Add Gizzards - Mix together and Enjoy!

Thought for Week #2 of 2013

It is now the 2nd Monday of 2013 - And here is another Very Zellmer Update.  I saw this sign last week, and I wanted to read it over and over again.  This one photo spoke to me, it reminded me once again that I am in control of my life, my feelings, my choices.  So my thought for the week... THIS IS YOUR LIFE.  Absolutely this is my life.  I have every opportunity to do what I love and to do it often.  We say hello, we say goodbye.  Each serving a purpose to help us to realize the people that we are meant to be. I try to remind myself often that I am responsible for my words, my actions and how I choose to live my life. When some one ignores me, or says something hurtful, when I receive a smile from a stranger, or a hug from a loved one, only I am responsible for how I react.  Life is short, and often times, we are so wrapped up in our lives that we forget to remember what is truly important in life, and often we don't realize what we truly had, until it is not there anymore.  SO, let me take this opportunity to remind myself to take time in the coming week, to make someone feel special, to do something kind for someone, to smile at a stranger, to hug a loved one... and to remember that the greatest things in life, are not things.

TODAY - I am productive.  I have accomplished more today, then I think that I have accomplished all last week.  I am happy to say that after a crazy work week last week, this Monday has treated me quite well.  I am thankful for today.

LOVE -  God Gave Me You, Brennon Zellmer.  Today, I am reminded that I am lucky that God gave me you.  Today, I fall in love with you again, as I do every day.  I truly believe that some things have to fall apart for better things  to fall together.  I remember being devestated by my divorce, believing that I would be alone forever, that I would never find someone that loved me as much as I loved them.  And then I met you.  Not really what I considered my type, I remember how we clicked, how we were able to bring out the best in each other, not the worse.  I remember being confused by the fact that we didn't argue and still amazed that we don't fight.  I couldn't imagine not having you in my life.  Thank you loving me, as much as I love you.


FAMILY - Brennon and I used to host Sunday dinners for our family every week.  Usually we had at least 7 people sitting around our dining room table.  I don't think we have done this since Carter was born, and I am not really sure why not.  It is time to start the tradition again soon.  Maybe next week I can start the week off right with some poor man prime rib, baked potatoes and bacon brussel sprouts.  I can't wait, maybe that will be my recipe to post for next week!

FRIENDS -  Friday night we were able to see friends we hadn't seen in awhile.  We partied with Bill and Penny as they celebrated their new venture as business owners.  We are so happy for them and had great fun at their Grand Opening!  It also reminded me that I can be around people and be okay.  I used to love big crowds, to make my presence known and to try and make people laugh and have a good time.  Friday, I realized that I am anxious in a group of people, that friends that we used to spend lots of time with is more difficult now. One of my gifts, it seems, is being sensitive to other peoples' moods and feelings.  This can be a blessing, as I can sometimes tell if people are sad, or mad, etc... but it also can be difficult because I can feel when people are uncomfortable around me. Now, I would almost rather blend into the background, smile and speak to a few close friends then to work the room.  I know that it will get easier... I just never noticed how much I take for granted my quiet Friday nights at home.  I can't believe I just said that, a year ago, I could never imagine choosing to be home on a Friday night.

I am looking forward to the week ahead with one of my bestest friends.  This Friday, I made plans to spend the evening with Corina. The poor girl has known me since we were little and she still chooses to hang out with me....  I am so blessed with her in my life.  It continues to amaze me that we can go a long time without speaking, but when we do we pick up exactly where we left off.  She has been a shining star in my life during the last 6 months, especially in November, when she invited me to dinner.  Thank God she drug me out of my house, and it was exactly what I needed. We visited, we talked about struggles and and blessings, faith and hope, and she even helped me to make some pretty important decisions in my life.  Decisions,  I wasn't sure I was ready to face. My heart felt lighter then it had in months.  Because a true friend believes in you, when you forget to believe in yourself!   I am so thankful that we have continued to make an effort to spend more time together.  I am so blessed that I can be a part of her life as well.  I continue to pray for her and her growing family, that they are blessed with continued happiness, love and health.  PS Corina - Tell Kaylee I said.....Happy Birthday!

WEDDING PLANS WITH THE FUTURE HOGANS - Sunday, I had looked forward to another day with James and Emalie in Des Moines at another bridal forum...  But where was I on Sunday, on the couch, thankful for back pills, ice packs and heating pads.  Not how I had planned to spend my Sunday. But I did spend the day relaxing,  looking for activities on Pinterest, stalking people's lives on Facebook and working on some recipes for my blog.  I still wish I had been able to spend the day with them.... I enjoy wedding planning! Hopefully next time, I can tag along!

FAITH - How I miss my Carter.  I am so thankful that Brennon and I are able to talk about Carter and the plans we had for our sweet boy.  I remember being pregnant and thanking God for the life growing inside of me.  I remember one prayer I said often, where I thanked God for this little one, and how I prayed that God would show me the way to teach my child about Him.  I heard a quote today, and I am not sure who wrote it, but it really made remember the strength of my love for the little boy I held so briefly. It went, "Dear Lord, I wanted to hold my little one on my lap,  and tell him about You. But since I never got the chance, will you please hold him on Your lap and tell him about me?"  I could read that line over and over and the tears will continue to flow.  I continue to wonder what God has planned for me.  I pray that this experience continues to strengthen me for God's purpose and the person He wants me to be.  "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me."  Phillipians 4:13

So, this brings me to the Thought of the Week -- As I mentioned before, the thought for the week is "This is My Life".  I want to use the next week to be of assistance to others, to share with others all of the blessings that have been bestowed on me.  This is the perfect week to look at my 2013 Pay It Forward list and choose a friend, family member, acquaintance, or stranger, and hopefully provide them with a little sunshine in their day.  Until next time - God Bless!  Melissa

Cheesy Vegetable Soup

I love soup on a cold winter day.
An Easy Recipe to Share - My FAVORITE Cheesy Vegtable Soup Recipe!

INGREDIENTS:

• 32 oz of Chicken Broth
• 5-6 medium Potatoes -  peeled and diced
• 2 - 16 oz bag of California Blend Veggie (cauliflower, broccoli and carrots)
• 1 lb Velvetta Cheese

DIRECTIONS:



1.  In a large pan, bring the chicken broth to a boil.


2.  Add diced potatoes and boil till soft.


3.  When potatoes are almost done, add veggies and cook until soft.



4.  Reduce heat to a simmer.  Dice Velvetta cheese, add to mixture and cook until cheese is melted, stirring frequently.


5.  Sometimes I add a little parsley... because I always cook with parsley.

Enjoy!

My Bowl is Almost Empty!

OVEN DOGS FOR YOU AND ME!

Brennon and I LOVE OVEN DOGS... What are oven dogs?  Before you decide to put your dog in the oven check out the recipe below... Happy Eating!


Ingredients -

1 pkg of 8 brat buns
1 pkg of 8 hot dogs (I love the Oscar Meyer All Beef Chicago Style Dogs)
Real Mayo (Bring out the Hellman's.. Bring Out the Best)
Sweet Relish
1 can Hormel Chili or 1 jar Sauerkraut (Or Both)
1 pkg Shredded Cheese


1.  Slather each brat bun with real mayo.  I do 4 dogs at a time.  This way Brennon can have 2 dogs, I can have 1, and we have one for Brennon to take for lunch the next day.

2.  Add sweet relish to the mayo slathered bun.  I wasn't sure how I felt about sweet relish, but have decided that the more relish I use, the better I like my dog :)

3. Next add the hot dog to your bun.

4.  Cover hotdog with chili or sauerkraut or both.... Brennon likes both, I am a big fan of just the kraut.  The picture above has just kraut.

5.  Add shredded cheese.  Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes... Remove from oven and enjoy!


We discovered this recipe and I am pretty sure we eat them once a week.  What is great, is that there are 8 buns and 8 hotdogs.  Since I only do 4 at a time, we have enough to make the recipe again.  Some may say that eating hot dogs weekly is unhealthy.  Even so, we love them!

Thought For Week #1 of 2013 :)

Today is the first Monday of 2013 - Doesn't it seem like each week goes by, and it seems like nothing has changed, but then when you look back everything has changed.  Well, one of my goals for my on-line blog is to be able to document weekly what has happened, so when I  say that nothing has changed, I can look back and see that everything happens for a reason and with all things, comes change.  So here it goes - The first Monday of 2013... 1/7/2013 :)

TODAY-- I feel whiney.  Have I whined today?  I don't think so, but it just seems to describe me today.  Not quite so bad that I need an attitude adjustment, but bad enough, that my bedtime can not come soon enough!  What is wrong with me?  I sure wish I knew.  I asked God for extra patience this morning, as I knew that I had a very busy Monday, and although I believe I have handled the day well, I'm just... well, crabby!  So enough about my day - let me change that crabby, whiney mood into something better......  Love - Family - Friends - Faith....

LOVE -- I had a great weekend.  Friday night, Brennon and I made a mess of the kitchen.  Okay, maybe I made a mess of the kitchen, Brennon just rolled his eyes.  I think his comment was, "she is like a 5 year old with play-doh"  When I say mess, I mean mess.   I can't use flour unless it is all over me, the counter and the floor.  But it was worth it!  The homemade pretzels turned out great.. and thankfully, I am married to a very patient guy!  He just seems to get me and doesn't complain when he has to help clean up my messes.  I secretly think he likes it.  I continue to feel extremely blessed, that we have the relationship that we do.  I have seen marriages fall apart after the death of a child, and yet, it has made us stronger.  Stronger in our love, stronger in our faith, and truly stronger as individuals.  I am thankful for every moment that we have together.

FAMILY -- Saturday, was our Family Fun Night.  I made appetizers and bacon cheeseburger pizza and Emalie, James, Tasha, and Kevin arrived for a little family bonding. :)  It turned out to be exactly what I needed. To be surrounded by the people I love.  We played games - had a glass of wine or two, and I am pretty sure Brennon and Tasha had a headache that night from laughing so hard.  It is those moments that we need to cherish, to take advantage of.  I truly believe that laughter is the world's best medicine and that it really truly heals a person's mind, body and spirit.

WEDDING PLANS WITH THE FUTURE HOGANS -- Sunday, while Brennon sat on the couch, I spent the entire day with James and Emalie!  What a great day... we had some serious talks, we both discussed life's lessons, and plenty of joking around in the meantime.  The wedding planning made me remember the words that Emalie's dad told me just days before he died, and only a week before my wedding.  As we discussed how hard it was to plan her wedding with out her dad here, and how to include him in every aspect of the wedding, I shared those words with her.  "Remember - it is not the wedding ceremony that makes a marriage, but the love between two people." Emalie and James both have a lot of love to share between them.  There are bound to be ups and downs, but just spending the day with them is a great reminder that, I can't wait to stand up with them as they make this commitment for the rest of their lives.  I really just am thankful that they asked me to be a part of their special day.

FRIENDS - Vickie stopped by my office today.  I don't see her as often as I would like and her short visit reminded me of how much I miss her.  We both just decided that we needed to see each other more often - and of course play board games... 

FAITH -- So I had a crazy, busy, wonderful weekend and yet I felt  crabby today....  It is the New Year - and I have been focusing on my resolution to Trust in God, to remember to truly LET GO and TRUST.  Now let me explain...  I think that I always trust Him, I just wish His plan was happening quicker for me.  I have struggled with patience the last few days, as I keep questioning why things are happening the way they are. Why am I not on maternity leave and snuggling with my Carter Baby?  Why am I paying so much for Carter's direct flight to Heaven?  Brennon and I miss him so much, and not only do we miss him, but the life we had already started to plan.  I  woke up this morning and my heart was sad.  Which, I will say, the sadness continues, but it is not as raw, as it was 6 months ago.  I don't cry everyday, and on the days that I do, I know that God continues to comfort me in those moments.  Will I be at peace again?  Will I be able to get through one day without feeling like a piece of my heart is missing.  A heaviness, that makes its presence known and then in an instance, everything changes.  I can be having a great day, and then in a moment, one memory presents itself, and I feel like I am starting all over again in my grief.  Another reason why, I have to trust in God's timing and believe in his promises!  "Many are the plans in a person's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21

So finally, this brings me to the THOUGHT FOR THE WEEK -- I am writing this entry as a reminder for the week ahead.  A reminder to stay strong, to surround myself with happiness, even in the saddest moments, to love deeply, to have faith, and to remember that I have to do my part.  I can't ask God to direct my footsteps, if I am not willing to move my feet.

Have a Blessed Week - Melissa

Lasagna Soup - YES PLEASE!

Another one of my favorite recipes.  Once again, I took a bunch of recipes and condensed it into fewer steps and better ingredients! I hope you enjoy it!

Melissa's Lasagna Soup Recipe

1 lb hamburger
1/2 lb sausage (optional)
1 small onion diced
1 tbs parsley
1 tbs of italian seasoning
1 tbs of minced garlic
1 - 14.5 oz can beef broth
1 - 14.5 oz can of water
1 - 14.5 oz can of diced tomatoes
1 jar of spaghetti sauce
1 container of fresh mushrooms
1 bag (approximately 20 oz) cheese tortellini
Italian Cheese, Parmesan Cheese to Serve with Soup


1.  Season meat with parsley, italian seasoning and minced garlic (You may use more or less to taste - but this is how I like it).  Brown hamburger, sausage and diced onions.  Drain well.

2.  In a large pot, mix together your favorite spaghetti sauce, beef broth, water, diced tomatoes and mushrooms.  Add hamburger mixture and simmer.

3.  30 minutes before serving - boil cheese tortellini for 3-5 minutes and add to soup.  Serve with your choice of shredded cheese and parmesan cheese.  Serves 6-8 people! Enjoy

My Friday Night Adventure - Soft Baked Pretzel Bites

I love to cook and I love to try new recipes - the problem is, that many recipes can be intimidating, difficult and have more steps then needed.  It is usually my goal to discover many recipes, experiment and make them as easy as possible.  This is what I did with this recipe.  Every recipe I found was different, each recipe had a lot of steps, that seemed harder then it really should be.  So I took all the recipes and made my own... and it turned out great if I can be the judge!

My Friday Night Adventure - Here is the pretzel bites recipe...

Melissa's Soft Pretzel Bites

Step 1 Ingredients - 

1 pkg dry active yeast

1 1/2 Cups of Warm Water

1 Tablespoon Sugar

1/2 Teaspoon Salt

1.  Preheat Oven to 425 degrees.

Place 1 and 1/2 cups of warm water in a bowl.  Stir in 1 package of dry active yeast until dissolved.  Approximately 2-3 minutes.

Add 1 Tablespoon of sugar and stir until dissolved.

Add in 4 cups of flour and 1/2 teaspoon salt and mix (If you have a dough hook - that works... of course we don't -  I used a spoon)  Mix together...It may be crumbly and that is okay.  

Remove the dough from the bowl, place on flat, floured surface and knead with your hands until smooth.  Grease the ball with vegetable oil and set aside in a bowl to rise.

Cover the bowl with cling wrap or a towel.  Set aside until the dough doubles in size - about an hour.

Step 2 Ingredients -

4 Cups Water

1/2 Cup Baking Soda

2.  Bring a pan of water to a boil.  Add 1/2 cup of baking soda.  Stir until dissolved.

Step 3 Ingredients -

1 Large Egg - whisked

Kosher or Sea Salt

3.  Lightly whisk large egg and set aside.

Take dough ball  and cut into 4 equal parts.

Roll between hands into a long rope and then cut into 1 inch bites.

Drop 1 inch bites into the baking soda water for 30 seconds (About 15 bites at  time).  Remove from soda bath with a large slotted spoon.

 Place on baking pan and wash with egg.  You do not want your dough to touch on baking pan.   Sprinkle liberally with kosher or sea salt.

Bake for 15 minutes at 425 degrees.  Remember oven times may vary.  You want a golden brown color.

Step 4 Ingredients - 

1 Cup Real Butter (1 stick) - Melted in Microwave for 30 seconds.

Kosher or Sea Salt

4.  Remove from oven.  Brush with real butter, sprinkle with kosher salt or sea salt and enjoy.  If you are making these for later, do not store in an air tight container.  It will cause the pretzel bites to be soggy. (I learned this the hard way!)

Brennon and I had a lot of fun with this recipe and it was really fun to experiment and cook together.  I would love feedback good or bad about this recipe.  I am always looking for a way to make it better - so if you have suggestions - please comment here.  :)

Come back and visit my blog soon ----  PICTURES AND BAKED PEPPER JACK CHEESE DIP RECIPE TO BE ADDED LATER! :)

A Very Zellmer 2012 - Welcome to 2013

Welcome to January 1, 2013.  A new day in a new year.  A time to review the last year, make resolutions,  and embrace every opportunity of the New Year.  I started out this morning, thinking that I would blog about  the blessings to be embraced in 2013. But the words just wouldn't come..I couldn't help but to review the last year and ponder what will be ahead in 2013 for the Zellmer Family.  During the last year, Brennon and I have experienced every emotion possible and we have survived.  I have to share - Here are our 2012 Highlights month by month....

January rang in the New Year with Snow - Upon arriving home from our vacation in Mexico, Iowa greeted us with snow.  We had a wonderful time, but glad to be home, to begin our routine in the new year.  A big surprise after landing in Kansas City with 60 degree weather the night before.  January must have been pretty uneventful, because I really don't remember it!

February brought a decision to be healthy.  Healthy in mind, body and spirit.  After a doctor's appointment in the middle of February, that diagnosed me with pre-cancerous cells on my cervix. I decided now was the time to be healthy.  I went to the doctor and shared our desire to have a family.  Knowing that I had a diagnosis of PCOS, our doctor didn't hesitate to make a referral to a fertility specialist. 

We met with a fertility specialist at Mid Iowa Fertility in Des Moines on March 6th.  Brennon and I drove to our appointment with a mix of nervousness and anticipation.  Not knowing what to expect we met our doctor and was prescribed medicine to assist with the PCOS that I suffer from.  A follow up appointment would be scheduled for the end of the month.  Our follow up appointment confirmed that I had PCOS and was given instructions to take the medication and to monitor ;) We left hoping for the best.  During this month, I turned 32.  What a great birthday present, the thought that we might be able to have a baby to complete our family.  I had always dreamed of having a large family, but knowing the difficulties of getting pregnant, decided that one child would be just fine. 

April 21, 2012

How I loved April of this year.  With Easter, brought family to my house, a large noisy group, whom I love.  We had our first fire in the fire pit that night, and I had my first positive ovulation test.  Because of the PCOS, I had never had this happen before.  With a little magic, Uncle Ken moved out of our basement and Baby Z moved in that weekend...  The next weekend on April 14th, a tornado hit part of Creston, including the dorms, the community college, and many houses and apartment buildings.  It was a busy week at work, as we volunteered in the community, assisted individuals we work with to move into new apartments, and just continued to be amazed by the sense of community that overwhelmed our town.  Followed by a work meeting in Council Bluffs at the end of the week.  I remember telling my friend Summer, that this wasn't the month and that I truly believed that we hadn't conceived.  How surprised I was, when I had a positive pregnancy test on April 21, 2012.  This was one of the emotions that I remember the most.  I remember thanking God many times that day and in the  days to come.  Our prayers had been answered.  I couldn't believe that we were parents.  Brennon and I both became parents in a moment - a moment I will never forget!    I prayed that God would keep our miracle baby safe.  Bloodwork at our doctor's office confirmed and doubled and although scared that something would happen, were excited to start the new chapter in our lives.  

In May we celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary (April 28th) with Larry and Summer Murdock, who were celebrating their 7 year wedding anniversary (April 30th) on May 5th - With a trip to Malvern to our favorite restuarant - the Classic Cafe. I didn't mind being the DD - I loved being pregnant. We had our very first ultrasound the day after Mother's Day and we heard Baby's heartbeat for the very first time.  I was so nervous, but I remember sitting in the room for our ultrasound and looking at my husband's face.  I fell in love with him all over again.  If it was possible to love Brennon more it was in that moment.  We left the doctor's office, Brennon called his mom, and I couldn't stop looking at the very first picture our child, the beginning of our family, and the hopes and dreams for the future.  We couldn't wait to tell people, but I convinced Brennon that we should wait.

June was another crazy months of love, happiness and hope.  I had started spotting at the beginning of the month, bringing a scary day or two, where I spent the day praying to God that he would continue to keep our baby safe.  The next week, we had our 10 week ultrasound, and saw our baby, healthy and strong with an equally strong heartbeat.  Brennon was convinced that we would have a girl.  After that ultrasound, I gave in and allowed Brennon to tell people at 12 weeks.  We sent out the cutest pregnancy announcements - At least I thought they were the cutest. We also celebrated our nephew Bradie's first birthday.  I was excited to realize that  Bradie would be our child's first friend.  And to think that our baby would be crawling at Bradie's second birthday.

July was a very busy month at work.  We had changes happening on my team, and I really don't remember much about this month, but I do remember my growing belly.  I was so excited that Baby Z was growing and I loved going to doctor's appointments to hear our baby's heartbeat. I felt my baby move for the very first time!! I begged and begged for a mid-pregnancy ultrasound, so that we could find out if we were having a boy or a girl.  But my doctor wanted to wait, so trusting and praying we started buying things for Baby Z - A box of diapers, a cute Iowa Hawkeye Onsie, and a few items we would need when we brought our baby home.  Brennon still convinced that it was a girl, was very good at convincing everyone around us - He even had me convinced, when originally I thought we were having a boy.  We started discussing names, our girl name was easy, it was a boy's name  we struggled with.  For a girl, Emma Rose, and for a boy, the only name we were close to agreeing on was Carter.  Brennon just didn't like the names I had picked out.  But I knew I wanted his middle name to be McCloud, for my maiden name.  We both really liked Bradyn McCloud Zellmer, but it was just to close to our nephew, Bradie's name.  July was also the month that Brennon started remodeling our home, including the drywall disaster of 2012, the laundry room now being in the basement and new flooring for the baby's room!  Thankfully, I am married to a very patient man, who loves me and his child!  

August brought a growing belly.  I loved feeling my baby move, and couldn't wait for the day that Brennon could feel our baby kick.  It seemed that every time Brennon came close, baby got very quiet.  Baby Z loved his daddy's voice, and it always put baby right to sleep.  It made my heart happy to see the love between Daddy and his baby!  My baby bump is growing and it was the first time my Aunt Kitty said, "I think you are having a boy."  Ha- Ha I said, "Brennon is convinced we are having a girl.  August 19th, we celebrated my Grandma's 82nd Birthday at my house.  Boy was a I tired.  I went to work the next morning just not feeling well, but convinced I had just overworked myself the day before.  Summer and I spent the morning driving around looking for new office buildings.  I went home exhausted.  After laying on the couch and a quick dinner, off to bed I went.  Here is where the true emotions and faith in God began.  I sat up at 8 pm, a pain in my stomach, and went to the bathroom to lots of blood.  In a panic, my husband got me new clothes and off to the Emergency Room we went.  After what seemed like forever, I was taken to OB and my doctor and parents arrived.  After an ultrasound confirming that my baby was okay and still had a very strong heartbeat, I was prepped for Life Flight and a trip to Iowa Methodist in Des Moines.  Every thought was a prayer, every blink of the eye was a wish for our baby and my family.  It would be okay right?  God wouldn't give us our miracle baby and not keep him safe would He?  I was settled into my room and an ultrasound was ordered.  In the last few minutes of August 20, 2012 - I saw my baby.  He was kicking and waving and he was announcing  "Hey Mommy - Look - I AM A BOY"  My husband arrived at my side, and I cried both tears of happiness that my baby was okay and tears of sadness, because I was so scared of what the new day would bring.  For my doctor told me, this wasn't a day by day situation, or an hour by hour situation, but a minute by minute situation, as I was already dilated and my bag of water had dropped.

August 21, 2012 - I have to seperate this day from the rest of the month, as this day, this one day in 2012 not only changed my life, but it also changed me.  I would never be the same person again, nor would I look at life the same way -  On this day, all I did was pray.  I was laying in a bed in Iowa Methodist.  I told my new doctor, I would stand on my head if it meant keeping our baby boy inside of me.  And I didn't realize it, but my bed was tilted so much I was almost standing on my head.  I had regular conversations with the doctor, about my situation, the outlook and she delivered the news to Brennon and I, that if my baby boy was born, he wouldn't live.  He was 21 weeks and 4 days, and his lungs were not developed. I prayed to God for strength, and for His love.  At 3:15 my water broke.  It was agony.  A part of me knew this was it, my baby was coming.  I held on tight to Brennon's hand, and at 3:30 am, prayed to God that if this was His plan and meant to be, I didn't want my baby to suffer. My doctor told me that he was right there, I could push if I wanted, but he was coming either way.  I pushed 3 times, and my baby boy was born at 3:46 am.  He was absolutely perfect and the tears started to flow and I am not sure they stopped that day.  They brought me my baby shortly after we shared the news with my mom, Brennon's mom, and his Aunt Lillee.  His lungs were not developed enough to breathe, but his sweet little heart continued to beat.  Our baby boy was a fighter, and his tiny heart ceased to beat at 7 am.  Brennon and I just looked at our perfect baby, completely developed.  His little hands, his sweet smile.  I held my baby close, looked at my husband Brennon Grant Zellmer, and gave our child his name - Carter Grant Zellmer, 1 pound and 11 1/4 inches long was born at 3:46 am on 8/21/12.  And yet I wasn't mad at God, I didn't scream at him... For this child I prayed, and the Lord answered our prayers. (1Samuel 1:27)  I left the hospital 15 hours later with a very heavy heart, not knowing what to do next, but knowing that  I was going home without my baby, and to plan a funeral for a little boy who had a very short but very precious life.  I am reminded I was so lucky... For I carried my baby, for his entire life. Very sad, but yet thankful, that God chose me to be his mom.

Where We Walk - Carter Will Also Walk

September was a blur.  Days of grief, of sadness, of prayers spoken and written to God, pleading with him to give me strength, to hold me up and to provide me with hope.  The month of September, I went back to work, when really all I wanted to do was cry.  How do I continue to live, when the one person, I cherished and loved more then anyone, was gone.  How do I live my life, voided of the dreams that I had already prepared for.  And God said, "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you.  I will hold you up with My victorious right hand. (Isaiah 41:10)

October brought more doctor's appointments. It was determined that I have an Incompetent Cervix,  still have the pre-cancerous cells, and still diagnosed with PCOS.   Because of Carter I have one of the best doctors.  One of my favorite days this month, was October 10th.  I had a doctor's appointment in Des Moines and after the procedure, looked at my doctor with tears in my eyes.  And she said to me, "Let's go to my office and talk - I will see if I can find some donuts."  And for the next 45 minutes, I shared every fear, every symptom, every concern I had, and she listened.  Truly listened and there were moments when we both shared tears.  She gave me a hug and I realized things were going to be okay.  They may not be the way I had hoped for, but they would be okay.  And a week later, the results of my tests, the cells on my cervix had improved!!    

November was a difficult month for me.  I had so many things to be thankful for, but I wasn't feeling very thankful.  Many times, I had to look at myself in the mirror and remind myself that I have plenty of things to be thankful for.  Many times, I had to remind myself that I had a roof over my head, shoes on my feet, a wonderful husband, a beautiful baby boy, and a family who loved me.  Even though I told myself all that, there were still moments when I said, "WHY ME?"  I even said I didn't want to go to Thanksgiving with our families this year.  Just another reminder that I should still be pregnant, and uncomfortable and loving every minute of it.  I felt anger towards my friends who I felt had left us, when we truly felt that we needed them most.  I had always felt blessed with many friends, and all of a sudden I only had a few.  I was angry with family, who I felt didn't feel the same emotions as we did, who were able to go on with their lives, when I felt like I was doing everything I could to keep mine together.  All I wanted to do was talk about Carter, and yet I felt as though I couldn't, because it made people uncomfortable or they just didn't know what to say to me.  That is when I truly had a moment of clarity.  I had to say "WHY NOT ME?"  Did I really feel so special that I was immune to hurt, to pain.  I have so much more then others do.  My husband cherishes me, he doesn't cheat on me or hurt me, my family loves me and I love them. I am me - I am responsible for my own feelings, not someone else's.  I can talk about Carter, because he is my life.  He is my child, my only child.  If someone doesn't want to talk about him, that is there loss, because our precious little boy has a lot to teach us.  Who cares if our friends aren't there?  It is not the quantity of friends that we have but the quality.  And the friends that have stood beside us, they are our true friends.  I am so thankful that I spent this Thanksgiving surrounded by my family.  They hugged me, and loved me and gave me everything I needed this month.

And in December we were able to celebrate so much.  We were able to celebrate James and Emalie's engagement at the Knotty Pine on December 15th.  Emalie,  my cousin, who has always been much more of a sister to me then a cousin, is getting married.  A reason for love and joy this holiday season.  How blessed I was when she asked me to be her Maid of Honor.  To stand beside her as she promises to love and cherish the man that she loves.  She has turned into a wonderful young woman.  A person whom I cherish, and who others will always look up to, as she continues to grow.  She has a huge heart, and is able to give and receive love freely.  I am so blessed and look forward to the upcoming year when we can plan her wedding.  We were able to celebrate Brennon's 30th Birthday this year, and Christmas with his family.  Both occasions, I was able to consume lots of prime rib! :) And thankful to end the year in Malvern with two of our closest friends, Larry and Summer Murdock.  What a year, a year of blessings - not always easy, but definitely a blessing.

This brings me to the New Year - A prayer that 2013 will continue to bless us.  I pray that Brennon and I are blessed with a stronger love between us, that we will continue to grow into the people that God has chosen us to be.  God never promised days without pain,  laughter without sorrow, nor sun without rain but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.   So my New Year's Resolution is not one that I have had before.  I would love to loose weight, but if I don't that is okay - I would love to earn more money, but money is not  one of the important things in life.    I would love to be debt free, but I was before, and I will be again.....My New Year's Resolution is to Trust in God.  Not just say that I Trust in God - but to truly LET GO and TRUST. To not get so wrapped up in my plans for the way I feel that my life should be, but to trust and believe in the plan that God has for me.  Thank you for allowing me to share my 2012 - As I write this, there were moments of tears, moments of laughter, and moments where I couldn't see the words that I was typing, moments of remembrance, as well as moments of healing.  I would not be who I am today, if I hadn't experienced everything that 2012 had to offer.  It is true that I experienced every emotion possible this year, but I also know that 2013 will provide blessings for me if I continue to trust in God and His plan for me.

May you have many blessings in the Year 2013 - Love Brennon and Melissa