Today is the 4th Monday of 2013 -- the last Monday in January - I feel like I publish a blog entry, and the next thing I know - It is Monday again and I am pondering what I am going to write about. Usually, around Thursday, I begin to think about what I want to post about. I have a really great idea, write a rough draft, and then delete it because I feel the need to write about something else. Here I go again. It is Monday, January 28, 2013 and I am deleting what I originally wrote... So I can share the following with you -
Never Give Up
By Charlie Remiggio
Never Give Up.
Never Lose Hope.
Always Have Faith.
It Allows You to Cope.
Trying Times Will Pass,
As They Always Do.
Just Have Patience,
Your Dreams Will Come True.
So Put On A Smile,
You'll Live Through the Pain.
Know it Will Pass,
And Strength You Will Gain.
As most of you know, my New Year's Resolution is to Trust in God - and I am so thankful, that unlike my resolutions in years past - I am sticking to this one. I was thinking about grief and healing and my post from last week. I truly believe that I still experience every stage of grief, some days I can experience more then one stage at a time. I wake up accepting that this is my life, and by the end of the day, wonder whose life I am living and drive home in shock that my baby is truly not here. As I think about the stages of grief and what I wrote last week, I have been thinking about moving forward. I have said many times in the last 5 months - I just want things to go back to normal. The problem is there is no normal after the loss of a child. For so long, I realized that although, Brennon and I were attempting to live life, what we were really doing was living death. It seems as though life continues to go on.....But we didn't want to continue to live, especially if it meant to erase Carter from our lives, to accept the permanence of the situation, and to move on without him. It has helped that in the last 5 months, there has been signs that Carter is near us... a song on the radio, a dream where he was close enough to hug and kiss, a glimpse of what he would look like at 2 years old, a memory of his soccer skills in my growing belly. And with each sign we see, or memory we have, the more life appears good. Now we find ourselves crawling out from underneath the covers, lifting our heads from the tear-stained pillows, and looking towards hope and the continued connection to our Carter. It has been easier for some to tell us to let go, and say goodbye.. but for us to move toward the future, we have to find healthy ways to keep him close to us. For us, it is writing notes to him on the fridge, sharing out loud with him - when Daddy picks on Mommy, continuing to live the dreams we had for our growing family- like Cinnamon Roll Sunday - and just telling him daily that we love and miss him. These steps - these signs help us to see the light, to remember that life is good and that there is HOPE. I would never have imagined, lying in that hospital bed 5 months ago, that I would be where I am today. But, it truly feels good to be alive again. We still have a long way to go, but we are moving forward - down a road, that we never thought we would travel, but we are traveling none the less. It reminds me of our tattoos, where we walk - Carter will walk. We will carry him - He is a part of our journey. He is a part of us. Moving forward does not mean to forget - but to move forward with him in our hearts, and always a part of our family. I truly believe that a major part of the healing process is the moment when you realize that hope has entered back into your life. My goal for the coming week, is to allow hope to direct my footsteps. To keep the faith and let go of the worries. To stop "living death" and start "living life"! Hope shines brightest in the darkest hours. So when the world says "Give Up" - Hope will always whisper "Try Again"."Through Him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured onto our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:2-5
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LOVE - On the subject of joy, I love my husband. I know you, the reader, must be tired of hearing me say it, but I can't help but be thankful for Brennon. I love spending time with him, and find that I quite enjoy our activities and projects. Last week, tired after a physically exhausting day at work, Brennon humored me, and we made donuts at 7 pm.... and then this weekend, we worked on blinds for our dining room. I know that he really doesn't like making them, but he knows that I do... So guess what? He spent his Saturday at the fabric store, picking out fabrics for our latest project. As we were finishing up, he looked at the store owner, and asked for a package of bachelor buttons. I looked at Brennon, with what I am sure, was a dumbfounded look on my face.... I was amazed - We were standing in a fabric store and he is asking for some kind of button, that I have no idea what for... What the heck is a bachelor button? He looks at me, and states, "Come on - You have to fix the button on at least one pair of jeans." I just started to giggle - I would never have bought a button... even though I had broken the button off my last two pair of jeans that actually fit and have been using my belt to keep my pants together on a daily basis. He was looking out for me again. And Saturday night, when I could tell that he was tired of working on blinds, and that his back hurt, I fell in love with him all over. Love truly is putting others needs and wants before your own. Brennon is a wonderful husband and my best friend. PS - It's been 2 days - I still haven't fixed my jeans :)FAMILY - Sunday Dinner Time - And I enjoyed it with many family members around my table! I am so thankful to spend time with my family. We had a soup supper - Isn't the true meaning of a soup supper is to fill your stomach, but also your soul. To sit down around the table with family that you love, share a meal, but also to share laughter, and love.
FRIENDS - I love Facebook - I love the way it can connect people. Some I haven't seen for years, some I see on a daily basis and some are acquantinces, placed in our path to encourage and to help us in a time of need. Either way, I enjoy reading other people's post, funny stories about their family and thier kids, and sometimes being able share in life's joys and and sometimes life's struggles. I don't write letters and I dislike talking on the phone, so facebook has been my way to connect with family and friends, and now my blog has been a form of connection with family who doesn't have Facebook. Can I just say - my biggest pet peeve - is poor writing on Facebook. Now I understand that due to mobile connections, it is sometimes easy to write c - instead of see or u instead of you. But it is extremely annoying to see post after post read like this. ...Well I talked 2 my girl 2day. after many calls n texts, she was like, y do u call 2 c what i m up 2. i love her, n love 2 chat w/ her, but she was like damn girl - cant wait 2 c u and prayn 4 good weather b4 the drive 2 c my girls. That is y I do my best to smh n walk away. -- Honestly who can read that - it drives me absolutely crazy. I just want to write a comment and correct every thing about that post. I almost want to scroll back up a few lines and fix those mistakes. Now, most would say unfriend this person, or hide them from your status feed if it bothers you that much, but honestly, I do kinda like following the drama of their life -- I have just decided that we all have at least 1 or 2 friends on our friend list that post like that - so I have a choice - delete it or live with it. There my rant is over. I will live with it - but I just want to say... B4 connecting with me, please, attempt to use words and not individual letters or numbers :) It is English - Not Bingo.
FAITH - I have another doctor's appointment in Des Moines on February 4th - only one Monday away - Please keep Brennon and I in your prayers, as we have had to make very hard decisions. We pray that God blesses us with the answers we need, and provides our doctors with the assistance they need to best treat me, and that this is a very short journey for us - Let me rephrase that - By short - I mean cheap :) Speaking of cheap.... Do you ever wonder what life lessons you were placed on Earth to learn? I always joke that God is trying to teach me patience... but why is it taking so long? Friday, I was up early, checking out Pinterest for a little inspiration - trying to decide what my thought for this next week was going to be... I thought to myself, I wonder if one of my life lessons is to live life and be poor. Now as I read that sentence - I am not sure that it makes sense - so let me explain myself. Many years ago, before I knew that I struggled with infertility, I spoke about waiting to have children until I could afford them. Then, after I got divorced, I struggled to pay my bills. I worried about money when Brennon and I got married and we wanted to begin our marriage debt free. As soon as we were debt free, we began fertility treatments - taking away most of our savings. Then as we built our savings back up, Carter was born early - and now we are back in medical debt. (I joke - invested in some bad stock at Iowa Methodist) HMMMM - I see a pattern here. Is it me? How is it that Brennon and I have good jobs and make a decent wage - that we feel so defeated at times?! I would love to be independently wealthy but since that is not going to happen, I have to decide what is truly important in my life.... Sometimes, I worry so much about making sure that we are always debt free, not overspending, and always responsible - that I wonder if I am supposed to be learning that although money is nice, it is not everything, and that if I trust in God, I have everything I need. For it seems, that those weeks where I pay all the bills, and have only a few dollars left over for groceries, that a friend will invite us over for dinner, or my mom brings over some canned veggies. It always works out. We are so lucky... we do not have credit card debt... we have doctor, dentist and hospital interest free debt - isn't that something to be thankful for? Our cars are almost paid off, and the only other loan we will have is our house. Why am I so worried about money, when it seems that we are doing just fine... As I read this paragraph, I have to laugh - why am I worrying so much? God continues to provide for us, even when I don't slow down long enough to notice it....
This brings me to the thought for the week ahead - Keep the Faith - Slow Down and Enjoy Life - Let Go of Little Worries - God will Provide. I heard once that my ability to relax is directly proportional to my ability to trust life. And trusting in life - means trusting in the Creator of Life. So my goal for the week ahead, is to Let Go and Let God. He has my faith, my hope and my love. Through Him - all things are possible and I look forward to the week ahead - so that I can relax and continue to allow my life, and my purpose to to rest in God's Hand. "Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done." Phillipians 4:6
Praying for you today, that God will provide for your every need for every day!
God Bless - Love, Melissa
God Bless - Love, Melissa
So glad I found out about your blog - through Corina - and can now lift you up in prayer daily! XOXOXO to you!!!
ReplyDeleteAmy (Bunch) Baker