Another busy week - the 3rd Monday of 2013 is already here. Last week seemed to fly by... It is hard to believe that we are two weeks away from February. And since February is a short month, it seems that Spring may be right around the corner. This makes me smile - I LOVE SPRING :) I can't wait to feel the warm sun on my face and for the flowers to start to bloom. :) Just wait, something wonderful is going to happen.
This week brought a lot of emotions and a lot of healing. I am sharing my feelings and emotions in this week's blog. I would like to begin by saying that I am not writing this because I am angry, but to share my story, and to maybe help others understand what it is like to loose a child. I do apologize if I repeated myself from previous blogs, and please know that nothing I have written about below is intended to hurt anyone. I just feel that I am supposed to share my continued journey and the intense feelings that grief brings with it.
LOVE - Today is January 21, 2013 - 5 months since Carter was born. I woke up this morning, remembering what day it was and where I was 5 months ago today, and instantly just wanted to go back to sleep... If I had, I would have missed the opportunity to enjoy today. I continue to be thankful how much our precious angel has changed our lives. I still think about the what if's or the should of beens, but then I have to remember that we don't always understand God's plan, and even if I could ask Him why, the reason may be so complex that I wouldn't understand the answer. Another reminder to Trust God's plan and to remember that He will continue to give me strength. He has a plan for my life, and I will continue to make the most of every day. I am also thankful for where I am today. I am a different person then I was 5 months ago, and continue to thank family and friends for helping me through each day, so that I can be where I am today. Before Carter was born, I carried him under my heart, today, I carry him in my heart. I miss you Carter - and Mommy and Daddy Love YOU! And thankfully, we both love each other as much as we love you!
During the last week, I was given a chance. A chance to restore a friendship or walk away. I never felt like I walked away, but to the friend visiting with me, they felt as though they had tried, and I had not reciprocated the friendship. As we talked about our friendship and my grief, it made me realize that while others care, they maybe don't know how to talk to me. How do you continue a friendship when a tragedy has changed someone? I found, that for most people, it is easier to continue to live life and ignore that it happened, then it is to face their own fears regarding the loss of a child. For the person that is experiencing the tragedy, it makes life harder. Now, not only have I lost my child, but I also felt as I had lost good friends, who because of their own fears, forgot that I needed them more then ever. A friendship is give and take. Sometimes, you take more and sometimes you give more. Friendships are rarely 50% give and 50% take. I felt as though I had nothing to give, and in that moment, I had hoped that my friends would be able to give 75% to our relationship so that I only had to make an effort to give 25%... not just in the few days after his birth, but the very hard days and months to follow. After Carter's funeral, I really did feel like some of my closest friends were not there for me anymore, and there was no way I could give 100% to keep my friendships together - I could barely keep myself together. Does this make me selfish? I hope not - I believe that it is part of being a survivor. And to the friend that reached out to me this past week... Thank you so much - I needed to know that you love and care about me, as much as I care about you. I will always choose friendship, but please remember that I have changed - We may not have the same friendship that we had before... but, I now feel that I am in a better place and can give a little more, and maybe we will have a stronger relationship because of it.
This brings me to the subject of grief. I know what grief is. I studied it in school and was able to recite every stage of the grieving process. I can tell you that every stage is experienced in a different order and at different times. I can name each stage and tell others what should be expected during the grieving process. I always thought grief was sadness. Sadness for the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or maybe something didn't turn out the way you expected. I remember when my grandpa died. It was the first time I remember experiencing grief. I was 9 years old and I didn't understand the true meaning of death. I saw my mom and my grandma, and other family members sad and that made me sad. I was told that I wouldn't see my grandpa again for a very long time, and yet I still wasn't sure about death. I knew that I loved my Grandpa very much, and I was scared that my mom would die and leave me, just as it felt like he had left me. Once I grew up, I remember grieving when I got divorced, and thinking, at that time that it was the hardest thing I would ever have to experience. I experienced the death of my Uncle John and my cousin Clint. Both leaving this world to soon, leaving behind their children and their families to grieve the loss. My heart hurt, the tears continued to fall, as I tried to support my family and the loss of their son, sibling, husband, father, I felt anger that my family had once again changed and grief had overtaken the lives of so many. Not one of those situations truly prepared me for the loss of my son. A child that I held so briefly but had so many plans for. In my lifetime, I expected to grieve for a grandparent, even a parent or a spouse at the end of their life, never my child. I believe that grief for a child is different and that you can not truly understand that grief, unless you have experienced it. Grief is the journey of Love. Without love, their would be no grief. No definition can put into words the true journey of love and grief that Brennon and I have experienced in the last 5 months with the loss of our Carter.
I remember the denial. I remember laying in the hospital bed, cuddling my son for the first time. I remember repeating over and over again... "What do I do now?" I am sure I said that numerous times in the few hours I was in the hospital. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that our God would allow me to become pregnant after years of infertiity and then decide that my child would not survive. I didn't know how to plan a funeral. My Carter was supposed to out live me. We had big plans for him and for our new family. In the 21 weeks of his life, Brennon and I had already made plans for our little one. We would lay awake at night talking about the things we wanted to teach our son. We wanted to share our faith, our love, and our family with him. I remember telling Brennon that I hoped to teach our child love and compassion, that he would be caring and thoughtful little boy. That our child would be spoiled with love and the gift of right and wrong, not spoiled with possessions and lots of toys. There are still days that I wake up and believe that it was all a dream, that I am still pregnant and his knobby little knees are pressing into my bladder again. And each time I wake, I remember all over again that Tuesday morning when my first and only son was born, a moment that should have been a happy time was replaced with pain and sadness.
I don't know who wrote the following, so I can't give them credit, but I was reading different quotes from moms who have experienced infant loss, and I came across one, and it touched me. It said that babies choose their parents before birth. This is the quote that was there - "God looked down and said, "Sorry, no can do. That mommy is not for you." - "Why is that?" asked the little boy - And He replied, "For that mommy, her baby will not survive." The little boy looked at Him and said with tears in his eyes, "But please God, for her I would die"
Depression. For at least 6 weeks after Carter's death, was a blur. I don't remember much of my everyday life, but I do remember the grief. There were days that the grief was so strong, I would wish for death, so that the pain would stop. If my heart wasn't beating, I wouldn't have to feel the intesity of it breaking. I remember the days that it was hard to breathe and every word spoken brought me to tears. I remember going back to work and questioning how I was supposed to help others when I didn't have the strength to help myself. I remember not wanting to leave my house, and thankfully I had family and a few close friends that helped me through it. There are still days that the depression rears its ugly head and I have to surround myself in God's love to get through the day. I pray often, some days, I pray more then I talk. I pray for strength to make it through one more day. I pray that God will fill the hole inside of me and that none of my family or friends ever have to experience what Brennon and I have had to go through in the last 6 months. I pray that if any of my friends ever have a tragedy that I will stand beside them, comfort them and love them even when they state that they want to be alone. Depression is something very dangerous. I was depressed because my life had changed in a moment. Plans that I had made, no longer had any meaning. My life had changed, my relationships had changed, and I couldn't stop it, I was to busy trying to keep myself from the deep dark hole of depression. I was diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder after those first 6 weeks, and it wasn't until then - I realized that my sadness was depression and it was time to pull myself up and start living again... one day at a time.
I know that anger is a secondary emotion. Usually followed by a primary emotion, hurt, sadness, frustration. Following Carter's death, I was angry. I wasn't angry at God but I did question Why? - I was angry that my baby was not with me. That my life and the plan that I had for it was gone. I remember being angry at others. As I explained in past posts, I was angry at friends, at family, and even at acquantinaces that knew nothing about my grief. Anger and depression go hand in hand. Once you experience the depression, the anger comes next. Anger has a way of helping you deal with the hurt. I was angry that people treated us differently. I just wanted to scream, I WANT SUPPORT - NOT YOUR SYMPATHY! I didn't, and still don't, want others to feel sorry for me or ignore me. All I wanted was support - Friendship doesn't mean that you should give me more time to distance myself further, making it easier to close the door on our relationship, but to drag me out of my house once in awhile, stop by or call just to say you are thinking of me....BUT please don't ignore us. I refuse to let anger define me - As I continue through the grieving process, I continue to forgive and to let go of of the hurt and the anger.... but it is hard, so please be patient with me.
Bargaining - I know that I bargained with God while laying in the hospital bed, right before Carter was born. I remember praying and praying and praying for my child to make it. I trusted Dr Lehman and I trusted God. I didn't understand it, but I knew that God's will would be done. Now, I find myself bargaining with God again. I find myself asking what is next for us. "I promise God, if you answer my prayers, I will go to church every week. I will volunteer more, pray more, never swear, give more and take less... Just promise me that this is not the end for our family." Brennon and I have so much love to give... will we ever be parents to a child on earth? Will I get pregnant again? And if I do, will the surgery to stitch my cervix, hold so that my baby is kept safe? I find that I am bargaining now more then ever, as I question decisions that Brennon and I have to make in the future. It tends to be very scary - the thought of trying again. Scary, not knowing what is ahead for Brennon and I. With all the years of infertility, it scares me more that we won't be able to get pregnant again. Infertility treatments are expensive, especially when insurance won't cover them, and add in the cost of the cervix surgery, weekly ultrasound and cervical checks...and my head starts to spin. I have had so many people tell us to try again....that we will get pregnant again. I just want to remind you, that when you tell someone that, it does not erase the pain of the child that died. And, for a couple who suffers from infertility, trying again is a difficult and stressful experience. Again, this brings me back to my 2013 New Year's Resolution to Trust in God. To Trust in God - I have to Trust in His Timing. This year, I continue to remind myself daily that bargaining does not change our deepest desires. It also doesn't change the outcome of our fate or God's will. My faith will continue to be stronger then my fear.
Acceptance is very hard... especially for a controlling person like me. I like to be in control and if this journey has taught me anything it is that I can't control everything. Honestly, I am really not sure I can control anything but how I respond to life's situations. I wake up every morning and pray for assistance in accepting my life - the life that has been chosen for me. Acceptance doesn't happen once and go away, acceptance is moment by moment, breath by breath. There are still days when I feel anger and depression, and I find myself saying, "I hate my life." In those moments, I have an opportunity to remember that good things will happen again. That this is just a bad day not a bad life.
During the last week, I was given a chance. A chance to restore a friendship or walk away. I never felt like I walked away, but to the friend visiting with me, they felt as though they had tried, and I had not reciprocated the friendship. As we talked about our friendship and my grief, it made me realize that while others care, they maybe don't know how to talk to me. How do you continue a friendship when a tragedy has changed someone? I found, that for most people, it is easier to continue to live life and ignore that it happened, then it is to face their own fears regarding the loss of a child. For the person that is experiencing the tragedy, it makes life harder. Now, not only have I lost my child, but I also felt as I had lost good friends, who because of their own fears, forgot that I needed them more then ever. A friendship is give and take. Sometimes, you take more and sometimes you give more. Friendships are rarely 50% give and 50% take. I felt as though I had nothing to give, and in that moment, I had hoped that my friends would be able to give 75% to our relationship so that I only had to make an effort to give 25%... not just in the few days after his birth, but the very hard days and months to follow. After Carter's funeral, I really did feel like some of my closest friends were not there for me anymore, and there was no way I could give 100% to keep my friendships together - I could barely keep myself together. Does this make me selfish? I hope not - I believe that it is part of being a survivor. And to the friend that reached out to me this past week... Thank you so much - I needed to know that you love and care about me, as much as I care about you. I will always choose friendship, but please remember that I have changed - We may not have the same friendship that we had before... but, I now feel that I am in a better place and can give a little more, and maybe we will have a stronger relationship because of it.This brings me to the subject of grief. I know what grief is. I studied it in school and was able to recite every stage of the grieving process. I can tell you that every stage is experienced in a different order and at different times. I can name each stage and tell others what should be expected during the grieving process. I always thought grief was sadness. Sadness for the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, or maybe something didn't turn out the way you expected. I remember when my grandpa died. It was the first time I remember experiencing grief. I was 9 years old and I didn't understand the true meaning of death. I saw my mom and my grandma, and other family members sad and that made me sad. I was told that I wouldn't see my grandpa again for a very long time, and yet I still wasn't sure about death. I knew that I loved my Grandpa very much, and I was scared that my mom would die and leave me, just as it felt like he had left me. Once I grew up, I remember grieving when I got divorced, and thinking, at that time that it was the hardest thing I would ever have to experience. I experienced the death of my Uncle John and my cousin Clint. Both leaving this world to soon, leaving behind their children and their families to grieve the loss. My heart hurt, the tears continued to fall, as I tried to support my family and the loss of their son, sibling, husband, father, I felt anger that my family had once again changed and grief had overtaken the lives of so many. Not one of those situations truly prepared me for the loss of my son. A child that I held so briefly but had so many plans for. In my lifetime, I expected to grieve for a grandparent, even a parent or a spouse at the end of their life, never my child. I believe that grief for a child is different and that you can not truly understand that grief, unless you have experienced it. Grief is the journey of Love. Without love, their would be no grief. No definition can put into words the true journey of love and grief that Brennon and I have experienced in the last 5 months with the loss of our Carter.
I remember the denial. I remember laying in the hospital bed, cuddling my son for the first time. I remember repeating over and over again... "What do I do now?" I am sure I said that numerous times in the few hours I was in the hospital. I was in shock. I couldn't believe that our God would allow me to become pregnant after years of infertiity and then decide that my child would not survive. I didn't know how to plan a funeral. My Carter was supposed to out live me. We had big plans for him and for our new family. In the 21 weeks of his life, Brennon and I had already made plans for our little one. We would lay awake at night talking about the things we wanted to teach our son. We wanted to share our faith, our love, and our family with him. I remember telling Brennon that I hoped to teach our child love and compassion, that he would be caring and thoughtful little boy. That our child would be spoiled with love and the gift of right and wrong, not spoiled with possessions and lots of toys. There are still days that I wake up and believe that it was all a dream, that I am still pregnant and his knobby little knees are pressing into my bladder again. And each time I wake, I remember all over again that Tuesday morning when my first and only son was born, a moment that should have been a happy time was replaced with pain and sadness.I don't know who wrote the following, so I can't give them credit, but I was reading different quotes from moms who have experienced infant loss, and I came across one, and it touched me. It said that babies choose their parents before birth. This is the quote that was there - "God looked down and said, "Sorry, no can do. That mommy is not for you." - "Why is that?" asked the little boy - And He replied, "For that mommy, her baby will not survive." The little boy looked at Him and said with tears in his eyes, "But please God, for her I would die"
Depression. For at least 6 weeks after Carter's death, was a blur. I don't remember much of my everyday life, but I do remember the grief. There were days that the grief was so strong, I would wish for death, so that the pain would stop. If my heart wasn't beating, I wouldn't have to feel the intesity of it breaking. I remember the days that it was hard to breathe and every word spoken brought me to tears. I remember going back to work and questioning how I was supposed to help others when I didn't have the strength to help myself. I remember not wanting to leave my house, and thankfully I had family and a few close friends that helped me through it. There are still days that the depression rears its ugly head and I have to surround myself in God's love to get through the day. I pray often, some days, I pray more then I talk. I pray for strength to make it through one more day. I pray that God will fill the hole inside of me and that none of my family or friends ever have to experience what Brennon and I have had to go through in the last 6 months. I pray that if any of my friends ever have a tragedy that I will stand beside them, comfort them and love them even when they state that they want to be alone. Depression is something very dangerous. I was depressed because my life had changed in a moment. Plans that I had made, no longer had any meaning. My life had changed, my relationships had changed, and I couldn't stop it, I was to busy trying to keep myself from the deep dark hole of depression. I was diagnosed with Post Tramatic Stress Disorder after those first 6 weeks, and it wasn't until then - I realized that my sadness was depression and it was time to pull myself up and start living again... one day at a time.I know that anger is a secondary emotion. Usually followed by a primary emotion, hurt, sadness, frustration. Following Carter's death, I was angry. I wasn't angry at God but I did question Why? - I was angry that my baby was not with me. That my life and the plan that I had for it was gone. I remember being angry at others. As I explained in past posts, I was angry at friends, at family, and even at acquantinaces that knew nothing about my grief. Anger and depression go hand in hand. Once you experience the depression, the anger comes next. Anger has a way of helping you deal with the hurt. I was angry that people treated us differently. I just wanted to scream, I WANT SUPPORT - NOT YOUR SYMPATHY! I didn't, and still don't, want others to feel sorry for me or ignore me. All I wanted was support - Friendship doesn't mean that you should give me more time to distance myself further, making it easier to close the door on our relationship, but to drag me out of my house once in awhile, stop by or call just to say you are thinking of me....BUT please don't ignore us. I refuse to let anger define me - As I continue through the grieving process, I continue to forgive and to let go of of the hurt and the anger.... but it is hard, so please be patient with me.
Bargaining - I know that I bargained with God while laying in the hospital bed, right before Carter was born. I remember praying and praying and praying for my child to make it. I trusted Dr Lehman and I trusted God. I didn't understand it, but I knew that God's will would be done. Now, I find myself bargaining with God again. I find myself asking what is next for us. "I promise God, if you answer my prayers, I will go to church every week. I will volunteer more, pray more, never swear, give more and take less... Just promise me that this is not the end for our family." Brennon and I have so much love to give... will we ever be parents to a child on earth? Will I get pregnant again? And if I do, will the surgery to stitch my cervix, hold so that my baby is kept safe? I find that I am bargaining now more then ever, as I question decisions that Brennon and I have to make in the future. It tends to be very scary - the thought of trying again. Scary, not knowing what is ahead for Brennon and I. With all the years of infertility, it scares me more that we won't be able to get pregnant again. Infertility treatments are expensive, especially when insurance won't cover them, and add in the cost of the cervix surgery, weekly ultrasound and cervical checks...and my head starts to spin. I have had so many people tell us to try again....that we will get pregnant again. I just want to remind you, that when you tell someone that, it does not erase the pain of the child that died. And, for a couple who suffers from infertility, trying again is a difficult and stressful experience. Again, this brings me back to my 2013 New Year's Resolution to Trust in God. To Trust in God - I have to Trust in His Timing. This year, I continue to remind myself daily that bargaining does not change our deepest desires. It also doesn't change the outcome of our fate or God's will. My faith will continue to be stronger then my fear.
Acceptance is very hard... especially for a controlling person like me. I like to be in control and if this journey has taught me anything it is that I can't control everything. Honestly, I am really not sure I can control anything but how I respond to life's situations. I wake up every morning and pray for assistance in accepting my life - the life that has been chosen for me. Acceptance doesn't happen once and go away, acceptance is moment by moment, breath by breath. There are still days when I feel anger and depression, and I find myself saying, "I hate my life." In those moments, I have an opportunity to remember that good things will happen again. That this is just a bad day not a bad life.
Carter has taught me how to help others with grief. Supporting others isn't about how I feel, or how the situation makes me feel, but about being there for the person at their lowest. If you are grieving, I promise to not talk but to listen, to sit on the couch and just be there, to listen to your story and share mine - but only if you ask me too... I will not expect any thing from you, because chances are you have nothing to give. I promise to remember that you are busy just trying to survive. I promise that I will cook supper for you at least once, hand you a tissue when the tears begin, and probably share some tears with you, I will help you cherish the memory of your loved one, and never ever give you a reason to question my love and friendship for you. This is my promise -
And enough about my stages of grief.. Here is my last week in a nutshell!
FRIENDS - For a lazy weekend, we sure were busy. I had planned to go out to eat with Corina, but Ms Kaylee was sick so we decided to postpone our monthly dinner date. (I am glad to hear she is feeling better!!) So, Friday night, Brennon and I went to Casa with my co-workers. It was fun to go out and have a good time. We had a few laughs, and I was thankful that I only had a few drinks, because Saturday night was Holly's 50th Birthday Celebration. Now, usually I am the party before the party kind of girl... but not this time. I was able to enjoy a few drinks with friends and as much fun as both nights were, I was thankful to go home to my quiet house and my comfy pajamas! I told Brennon the only bad thing about big parties is that my chance of getting the flu sky-rockets. Time to beef up my vitamin intake...Do your work Vitamin C!
Now before you lecture me on not getting the flu shot, let me begin by saying that I have never had a flu shot before, so I wasn't sure the need for one this year. I had the stomach flu the day after Christmas and Brennon informed me that the flu shot does not protect you from the stomach flu... but from the respiratory flu... What the heck? I googled it - the respiratory flu could be easily called a cold - or a really bad sinus infection. Either way, I am hoping that my immune system, also known as the walking vitamin store, does it's job and continues to keep me healthy. And for you superstitious people - I knocked on wood - TWICE :)
And enough about my stages of grief.. Here is my last week in a nutshell!
 |
| Holly - AKA Maxine :) |
Now before you lecture me on not getting the flu shot, let me begin by saying that I have never had a flu shot before, so I wasn't sure the need for one this year. I had the stomach flu the day after Christmas and Brennon informed me that the flu shot does not protect you from the stomach flu... but from the respiratory flu... What the heck? I googled it - the respiratory flu could be easily called a cold - or a really bad sinus infection. Either way, I am hoping that my immune system, also known as the walking vitamin store, does it's job and continues to keep me healthy. And for you superstitious people - I knocked on wood - TWICE :)
FAMILY - I love my family. I am so thankful for my large family... I am also thankful for Brennon's family.... I don't have to think about Brennon's parents as my in-laws, but just an extension of my family. I am lucky to have a second mom and dad. Family isn't always blood either. Family is people that want you in there life, and you want to be a part of theirs. I am thankful that I have family support. There are so many people in this world that do not experience this kind of support and I am truly blessed.
"Ohana means Family - and family means no one gets forgotten or left behind." I found this picture on Pinterest and had to share it here. I love Lilo and Stitch... One of my favorite Disney movies. This is my Family - Brennon, Carter and Me - It is little and broken - but still good. Even though you are not with us physically Carter - You are our family! Always loved and never forgotten!
WEDDING PLANS WITH THE FUTURE HOGANS - No wedding plans for me this week. But I am excited that James and Emalie decided on the wedding location and the final date. July 19, 2014 - 18 months for Emalie to find the perfect dress, the right flowers, the perfect vows and for me to write the perfect maid of honor speech for the reception. Oh - who am I kidding... I have already started! I am sure there will be changes, but I am pretty proud of my first draft. Don't worry guys - no embarrassing stories from me :) 
FAITH - We have no idea how what we go through today will shape us for the future. I continue to believe that all things happen for a reason, and although we may not understand what the reason is, there is a purpose for everything under God. Thank you for allowing me to share my week, my experience with grief and my continued journey with it. I am thankful for my life and those I share it with. I continue to pray that I can share my story and my life so that others can understand how complex it is to loose a piece of yourself and how difficult it is to handle all the stages of grief. Please don't take life and those in it for granted. I promise in the week ahead to continue to love deeply, stay strong, and continue to develop courage! I believe that God has great things planned for Brennon and I - because Love Never Fails.
This brings me back to the thought of the week....Always Believe that Something Wonderful is Going to Happen. "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you, in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
MAY LIFE BE ALL THAT YOU WANT IT TO BE! Love, Melissa
Beautifully written! You are certainly forever changed. And that's not a bad thing. Melissa, thank you for sharing your story!!
ReplyDelete